Hey! July is almost over as is the Date a Dorkette Mini-Story Event! There's one more story and it is brought to you by Nick Moose with pictures by me! Enjoy!
My Date with a Dorkette
Hello out there all you Mooseheads! I realize I haven’t done a Nick Moose, humor style, joke-type column, for Points in Case in quite some time, and all of the fans I had from my column at the Kent Stater back in umm… I don’t remember when that was….so, I’m just gonna guess, and say, the late-1970’s, are mostly dead by now (Dorkette’s note: Nick Moose wasn’t even alive in the in the 1970’s, but he might as well have been) whatever, it doesn’t even matter, because today, I am Outer Limits-style, TAKING CONTROL OF DIARY OF A DORKETTE!! There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not adjust the monitor-blah blah-I control the horizontal and vertical, etc…TODAY, you Dorkette fans are gonna become honorary Mooseheads! And you lucky ducks are gonna witness an event that’s been looong in the making! I Nicholas Kabat Moose, am FINALLY going on a DATE with THE DORKETTE!!!
Oh, and by the by, since this is a toy based blog, I have decided to use the dashingly handsome MAC TONIGHT to represent me! Why? Because, like me, he is nocturnal, a musician and AWESOME!
(Dorkette’s note: also, like him he is super pale and has a disturbingly large chin.)
Anyway, I’ve been wearing Miss M down for YEARS! Posting funny comments, telling her about her greatness and now, she has finally agreed to go out on a real actual DATE with me!!! Well, I mean, technically, I won a contest, but still, I am gonna WOO her to the point where she can’t take no more woo!! In THE GREAT WORDS of Larry from Perfect Strangers: I HAVE A PLAN!! Keep on reading fearless followers!!
Miss M: (waiting in the Dairy Queen) God, of COURSE whoever won this stupid date with a Dorkette contest wants to have our date at the DAIRY QUEEN! Like I’m not here all the time anyway.
Nick: (as Mac Tonight, driving through the doors like he is a bad ass) CONGRATULATIONS MISS M! I HAVE ARRIVED!
Nick: Nick Moose in the hizouse!
M: (in her head) Damn it damn it damn it DAMN IT!
Nick: Why hello, my lady love.
M: My name is Miss M and you are…that guy…
N: Not just ANY guy sweet cheeks, YOUR GUY!
M: Yeah, you are like… Derek Reindeer…or something?
N: Nick Moose baby, your NEW boyfriend!
N: I have seen these losers you have been dating on here, COME ON! What really is the point!? You know we are PERFECT for each other!!
M: Umm, yeah, Jack is it? You seem to be day drunk and dressed like, well …Mac Tonight.
N: I prefer the term “day tipsy” and it’s Nick actually.
N: (to the readers) Like she DOESN’T know that!
N: (To M) But you can call me, “Nick at Nite”! –get it? Like a mix of Mac Tonight and Nick at Nite!? But only the GOOD Nick at Nite back when it had Donna Reed and Dobbie Gillis on it! And as far as Mac goes, yeah, I thought you totally dug the McDonald's thing! I figured it would make you like me even more! If that IS EVEN possible!
M: Yeah-I DID dig the whole McDonald's thing, but I have suddenly decided to cut back. You know, I heard it is BAD for me.
N: Well, you know, I don’t look exactly like this in real life, I DO have hair!
M: Yeah…true, I have seen your picture, but, if memory serves, in real life, you may actually be even paler than me. I am not sure if even I find that desirable. And your chin is the exact same size as Mac Tonight’s! I’m guessing the all-black thing must be the by-product of the fact that, even though you are clearly not a teen, you STILL watch the Vampire Diaries and the Originals?
N: No way! If I was trying to show THAT off, I would be wearing my leather jacket, like I do in real life! But this is TOY ME! And…well, let’s just say, toy me has got plenty of looks my delicious Dorkette!!
N: I’ll be right back, I had too much Mr. Misty! –see ya in a sec!
N: (to the readers) She is gonna LOVE this shit Mooseheads!!
Nick soon comes back dressed as Panda Khan
N: (to M) Notice anything…different about me my sweet?
M: Uuumm…yeah...
M: Well… It seems like you dressed that way for a reason...
N: I know you did that Panda guy.
M: His name is Ed and we never “did” anything –he just …has a special place in my heart. And he is DEAD now, so this is grotesquely offensive.
N: You know, I had too much bamboo or something, I gotta go to the little Panda’s room.
N: (to the readers) OK, I will admit, that didn’t work. Note to self: stop trying to piggyback on deceased loved one's looks to get into girls pants. But I have a BETTER plan!
Soon Nick returns...
M: Yeah. The last outfit was grotesquely offensive, this one is just grotesque.
N: But don’t you like to groove on green guys?
M: Yeah- -umm, look, Derek…
M: Right… Dick, look, I know you (unfortunately) are that guy that CONSTANTLY posts stuff on my page…asking me to do things, like, get slimed in the slime pit..(shudders) I don’t even want to know what that’s about! And you always want Deadpool to be the Heroic Hottie…
N: (to readers) OK Moosecadettes, I am gonna try to make an attempt to downplay my love for Deadpool here.
N: (To M) I know it’s weird! Because Deadpool is such a self-obsessed jerk who just constantly talks and talks and talks, and he really isn’t even that likable! I guess, I just like him because he has a nifty costume…but COME ON! How could I relate to a character like that? He won’t EVER shut up!! Though I can’t disagree with his obsession with Bea Arthur. She was amazing in…
M: I can’t IMAGINE why YOU would relate to an annoying, egotistical, sex obsessed guy who breaks the fourth wall and NEVER stops talking…
N: (talking to readers) See-Moosekateers at home? She is LOVING ME! I seriously think I’ve got a great shot at getting her naked by the end of this post! Just don’t tell her I said that, OK!?
M: In real life, you look a lot more like the Joker than Deadpool. I am surprised you don’t relate more to him.
N: Yeah, but Joker is a villain, I’m an anti-hero ALL THE WAY baby! BUT
if I WERE the Joker, you would TOTALLY be my Harley Quinn!
M: Uggh, why!?
N: Because we are the SAME! Two people united by insanity!
M: What?
N: Yeah! You are the Harley to my Joker! The Drusilla to my Spike! The Nancy to my Sid! We both are waaay too old to love toys and comics, yet we do. We both had to move back in with our parents, we both have had disaster-laden past relationships! We both love Nerd Blizzards!
M: Wait a minute, I’m starting to see what you are getting at Nick! Maybe there is more to you than just a sex obsessed, drunken, ego-maniacal loser! We DO share things! Maybe you aren’t such a bad guy after al…
N: (interrupting M) EXACTLY! But, on a different topic here, I have had a brainwave recently, and I was thinking about a WHOLE NEW DIRECTION for Diary of a Dorkette!!!
M: (more to herself than Nick) …Never mind.
N: First off, NAME CHANGE!! Diary of a Dorkette is great and all, but I think a new direction calls for a NEW TITLE!! Wait for it! …ahem…DIARY OF A MOOSEETTE!
M: Oh, gawd…
N: Here, let me pull you into my little picture of the next ERA of this blog!!
(Nick’s fantasy sequence engaged )
N: (yelling at a group of macho tough toys) OK Dickheads! Time to line up for your beatings!!
N: (To He-Man) Maybe they should start calling you Pee-Man! Tee-hee. (POW!)
He-Man: He just made me wet myself.
N: Hey Skeletor, go to Hell-etor! (POW!)
N: (To Fisto) I’ll show you what a real knuckle sandwich tastes like Mister Fister! ( POW!)
N: (To Leech) Hey Leech! SUCK ON THIS! (POW!)
N: (to the Shredder) Hey Shred-head! Let’s make you a DEAD HEAD! (POW!) Not the hippy kind of Dead Head of course, cuz that would be a fate worse than death and even YOU don’t deserve that!!
Frosta: He is just ..so COOL!
Glimmer: (in awe) Oohh, he is so wonderful! If only he would give me a GLIMMER of his attention!
Catra: Mrrow you don’t stand a chance Glimmer! Mrrow! I am going to make him my personal scratching post!
She-Ra: CLAWS OFF CATRA! That man is mine!
N: (after defeating tons of muscular characters) Ladies LADIES! Please! There will be time for all of you! But my heart mostly belongs to one, very special, LARGE HEADED girl!
Hello Kitty: Oh my god! Me!?
N: No, Hello Kitty, I’m sorry I was talking about Miss M!
M: B-but I’m not worthy of someone like you…
N: Few are Dorkette. Few are. Yet you are the one who has captured my fancy at this particular moment. Now come with me! Let us adjourn to my flying mansion in the sky, where I shall introduce you to new levels of screaming ecstasy! Come! We shall mount Swift Wind!
N: And soon enough, I shall mount you!
M: I –I can’t believe this is HAPPENING!
N: Never let it be said, we don’t live in a world where dreams can’t come true fair Dorkette!
M: (to herself) Ohhh, I can’t even IMAGINE the SEX we are about to have!!!
N: (as M and N fly away on Swift Wind-Nick yells back to the other ladies) Ladies! Meet us later at the flying Moose Mansion! I have love enough in me for all of you! But M comes first!
She-Ra: I... I love him, even in spite of the fact that he just stole my horse.
N: (coming out of fantasy) Oh, and also… Toy Miss M should start having BREASTS!!
N: (He notices Miss M has left ) Wait…where did you go?
N: (To readers) Well, she probably just went to the bathroom or something! Anyway, I think this date is going GREAT don’t you Mooseheads!?? Miss M’s panties, HERE I COME!!
M: (having already left the DQ, she picks up her phone) April?
April: Yeah, M, listen, where are you?
M: I WAS on the world’s worst date but not anymore.
April: AhhH, I see, you left another one unsatisfied?
M: Trust me, as long as he is off in his own twisted imagination, he will ALWAYS be satisfied.
HEROIC HOTTIE
IN HIS OWN MIND: NICK MOOSE!
April: Not much, I just have new people for you to interview. So enough of these dates with these lunatic men, get back to work. Oh, and if you happen to pass a chimichanga truck, I'd really appreciate one. I've been craving them for some reason...
The End!
A big thanks to Nick for writing and contributing to the Date a Dorkette: Mini Story writing event. I appreciate his fun story telling style. He has been a supportive presence pretty much from the beginning of the Diary so there were a lot of nice nods to this story. Also thank you to Omar for contributing his own story that can be found
here. Hope you all enjoy and stick around! There's one more post for July that will leave you gasping for more soapy toy fun!
Miss M: (waiting in the Dairy Queen) God, of COURSE whoever won this stupid date with a Dorkette contest wants to have our date at the DAIRY QUEEN! Like I’m not here all the time anyway.
lol that was hilerious espically the pee man part. guess nick is one more date toy miss m does not have to deal with until he proably starts the stalking .
ReplyDeleteHEY! There may have been an "incident" , but I will have you know I wasn't "stalking" anyone!
DeleteI was merely on my flying cloud, playing my piano and singing a song for a new McDonalds ad campaign that is set to air in Lower Slobovia later this year. ( Mac Tonight is till HUGE in Lower Slobovia.) Whether or not I shifted my cloud towards Miss M's house and glanced at her bedroom window is a matter that should be between me, Miss M, and the lawyer she got to put the restraining order on me.
lol demoncat! That's funny. I don't think I'll ever have to worry about Nick stalking me, but I do know a few lawyers that could help with restraining orders. I'm thinking She-Hulk or Daredevil. lol
DeleteNick, I love that Mac Tonight is so huge in lower Slobovia. lol That's pretty funny.
OK this was awesome OF COURSE! And I had hoped you picked up on the fact that, since you may never get to find an affordable Deadpool figure to do a heroic hottie with, I just melded his personality with mine. Not much of a stretch! I just needed to meld the Nick Moose persona from my columns to the Deadpool persona from comic books to make for a bargain basement Deadpool! Which was not hard! I admit!( it just involved a tad bit more talking to the audience, cuz in my columns, I was pretty much ALWAYS talking to the audience! Didn't need to break any wall there!)
ReplyDeleteBut in real life, my face is less deformed than Deadpool's! ( Right? Miss M? Pleeeease tell me I'm right!!) And if you ever do get that Deadpool figure you have been attempting to acquire, I will help you play his part if you are open to that.(also, I still insist that you get slimed in the slime pit. Anyone out there disagree? Miss M Slime Pit, Miss M gettin' slimed Kickstarter? OK, nobody said "no", so I guess they all want it too!!)
But, what I truly loved about this post, was the effort M put into the Mac Tonights!!! I LOVE Mac! And she has more versions than even I DO!! And they were all SOO PERFECT!! The one with the microphone, and the hand stretched out, that was amazing. I WANT ALL THOSE!
Except, my one issue, was that I thought the Miss M's Toy would be not as tall, in proportion to the Mac Tonight toys!! I look about Ed's size compared to her! Then again, I was trying to replace Ed, so I guess we should both be short! That works out! Haha! Actually, in real life, you may, in fact, be taller than me! I am only 5'9, and you said you were quite tall, so this may in fact be accurate looking!!
Overall, this was SOO amazing, and I love how much effort you put into this, and I realize no one will like, or comment on this, because it is a part of the contest, and not a normal blog, but, I don't care! I love this blog! And anytime one of these things come up, I WILL always contribute!
M is the second best Princess of Power, as far as I'm concerned!!
(We all know who the first one is!!)
Anyway, now I gotta go comment on Omar's post because NOBODY is gonna read either of ours, so I wanna express solidarity! Haha! I will do that tomorrow.
One last thing, I didn't know how you would make the pee thing with He-Man happen. But you did it! I'm starting to tear up right now! It was just so, beautifully, SIMPLE! I loved it! Consider the tears in my eyes, to be like the pee emitting from He-'s pants!!
I am really glad you enjoyed everything. I really had some fun coming up with the pictures for this story. I was actually very lucky in that I was able to come across a ton of Mac Tonight toys thanks to my friend. So it worked out perfectly. And he was a little shorter than M, though I am shorter than you. I am barely 5'7. So yeah, no super tallness over here unless I'm in heels. So thank you again for writing such a fun story. I really had a blast with this. I thought it was just a ton of fun. I'm working on one day getting a Slime Pit and a Fright Zone. It will happen. lol
DeleteYeah, in retrospect, I think me complaining about the size of the Mac Tonights makes me sound like a male chauvinist dick with a small..well, ...dick! But I PROMISE you that is NOT the case!
DeleteI really just thought they would be in closer proportion to the Lil Pet Shop Toy. But the fact that they were more Ed-like was probably even better!
You are BARELY 5'7!? Why do I remember you saying you were super tall!? Maybe, it was a post about your height in high heels or something. I have been thinking you were this Amazon height! haha! Not that you aren't a Wonder Woman of course-but maybe not her same height!
After reading your most recent post, with the Dairy Queen in it as the setting, I had to revisit this classic!
ReplyDeleteI've written roughly a thousand columns for various newspapers and websites over the years, so is there something wrong with me that THIS ONE is one of my all time favorites!? And not just because I luv you Miss M, but because it is just all around AWESOME!! (And YES, of course, Your illustrations were a huge factor in making this as awesome as it is! Maybe I need you to illustrate everything I write with toys! Haha! )
This was a pretty fun post and I am super happy that you contributed it. I had a blast taking those pictures. I can't believe how long ago this was posted!
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