December 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

Dear Diary,

As 2014 winds down, and what a wind down it has been, I am finding myself in a mood. I'm no longer friends with my best friend. The holidays are here and I am just over them. The man I love married someone else. However it's not all bad. I'm back in my old body. I have a new pet dog. And I'm getting ready to help put Velvet Sky away for a very long time for taking away my life. She won't be getting away with her crimes! At all!

Miss M

She-Hulk: Ok, so here's the thing. The trial is set to start soon and there are many counts against Velvet Sky. This should be a breeze. There's just one thing. I think it's rather obvious, but I'll go over it again.
Miss M: Ok.

She-Hulk: You aren't dead anymore. I'm trying to prosecute a woman for killing you. But you are here. Alive. And dorky.
Miss M: Yes. This is true.
She-Hulk: So... I mean...

Black Cat: Right, this does seem like a unique problem doesn't it? To be fair though, Velvet Sky did commit a lot of other crimes.
She-Hulk: True. Her list is a long one, however, we still come right back to the glaring elephant in the room.

Miss M: Hey! It's just a bit of bloat. It's been awhile since I've been in this body again ok?
She-Hulk: Figure of speech sugar plum. My point is, if the trial unfolds and the reality that Miss M is indeed alive comes out, I can't guarantee that Velvet Sky will be put away for life.
Black Cat: What do we do?
She-Hulk: We have to keep pretending Miss M is dead.
Miss M: For how long? I just got back and I can't go into hiding.

Black Cat: She also publicly crashed a wedding, so... the jig might already be up.

She-Hulk: No, we're good. I've put gag orders on everyone that was at the wedding. Even that meddling Jessica Wray won't be reporting about the wedding events on Z! News. At least until the trial is over.

Miss M: So if I have to go into hiding, what does that mean for the trial? I want to see the look on Velvet Sky's face when she is found guilty!
She-Hulk: We'll come up with something soon. For now, lay low. I'll do my best to have them throw every book at this woman for what she has done. I promise.

Miss M: Thanks She-Hulk.

Later on...

Megan Fox: This is Day 1 in the trial of Everyone Vs. Velvet Sky, one of the most highly publicized court cases this great city has seen. I am Nu-April O'Neil and we are reporting live for Channel 6 News. How will this trial unfold, stick around and find out!

April: The courtroom is starting to fill up and both attorneys are ready to duke it out. Be sure to be following all the live updates on Diary of a Dorkette, your only real source for news.

Megan Fox: Look at tired old April, trying to catch the latest news.

April: Back off doppelganger. This is my story.

Megan Fox: Good luck with that.

She-Hulk: Blue Haired Lawyer. It's been awhile.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Yes, it has. Sorry to hear about your job loss. I tried to read your series, I really did, but I just couldn't get into it.

She-Hulk: Yeah, I understand. It must be difficult to have things just go over your head. Nice hair piece by the way, is it Malaysian?

Blue Haired Lawyer: My hair is real, I will have you know. Now prepare to lose.

She-Hulk: Oh, I've already won.

Officer: All rise, for the presiding judge over this case, Judge Judy. Er, Judge Judy was unable to make it today, but Judge Snyder will be filling in for her. So... all rise again for Judge Snyder!

April: We've already been standing, there aren't any seats to rise from. What kind of courtroom is this?

Judge Snyder: Hello everyone, remain calm in the court. This is a most unique trial. And for that, we must have a unique juror panel. So I present to you our jurors.

Judge Snyder: Juror number 1 is a woman of many faces: Hexidecimal!

Hexidecimal: I live in a computer. And I'll kill you.

Judge Snyder: Juror number 2 doesn't even come from this galaxy, but he'll totally guard it.

Groot: I am... Groot.

April: Can there even be a juror from space? What is going on?

Judge Snyder: Jurors 3 and 4 share the same body and name: Modulok!

Modulok: MOD-U-LOK! Modulok! Modulok!!

Judge Snyder: Juror 5 is a grand dame: Lady Tremaine!

Lady Tremaine: (in reference to Velvet Sky) Pardon me, but the lady, is a tramp! Muah.

Judge Snyder: Juror 6 is making quite the comeback: Howard the Duck!

Ace Duck: Get your ducks in a row. I'm Ace Duck dude.

Judge Snyder: Our final juror is simply named Marina.

Marina: I really need to be in water. Someone please... help me...

Judge Snyder: And now, for the main event! In one corner is the grappling woman of many a man's nightmare, and maybe even fantasy, the incredible She-Hulk!

She-Hulk: Your honor, I'm too much fantasy for half the men on this planet but never a nightmare. Unless you cross me. Or cancel my series.

Jurors: (multiple conversations) Yay! She's awesome! The coolest! Her hair is so lush, like broccoli! I am Groot.

Judge Snyder: Very well. The next competitor in this all out war is the smarmy and unethical Blue Haired Laywer!

Jurors: (multiple voices) Booo! Boo! Hiss! I am GROOT! I heard his hair is fake.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Boo all you want. But I never lose a case.

Judge Snyder: I'm aware of your court history Mr. Blue Haired Lawyer. And now for the woman on trial! Ladies and gentleman, jurors of all ages, Velvet Sky!

Velvet Sky: This is not how a trial is to be run. I need a new agent.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Careful Velvet Sky. If we are going to make sure you go free, I will need you to look more sympathetic.

Velvet Sky: This blows. Just get me off.

She-Hulk: Well that just reeks of innuendo. Right audience?

Jurors: Right!

Judge Snyder: Order in the court! Order! Now, we shall begin with opening remarks! Winner of an arm wrestle goes first!

Blue Haired Lawyer: Really? She might as well go first.

She-Hulk: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen of the court, we are gathered here today in unholy alliances to throw the book at Velvet Sky. Her crimes are long and many. I don't even know where to begin. I'll try though. Let's see. For over a year she plotted the death of dorkette supreme Miss M. She brutally attacked Janine Melnitz. She killed a wiener dog. And she was responsible for killing Miss M as well as exploding part of city property in the sewers which also doubled as a home for four mutant turtles and a rat. I mean come on. One of those counts has got to stick. She's a no good dirty rat with bad high lights.

Velvet Sky: Leave my hair out of this!

Judge Snyder: Blue Haired Lawyer, contain your client. One more outburst and she will be manhandled into a cell.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Shut it Velvet Sky.
Velvet Sky: I'm just very sensitive about my hair!
Blue Haired Lawyer: We all are. Now calm down!

She-Hulk: As I was saying, she is guilty. And I will prove this by bringing in the best set of witnesses possible. A woman was killed people. A sweet dumb dorky girl was murdered in the most grody way possible: She died in a sewer. That's all.

Judge Snyder: All right, Blue Haired Lawyer, you are next.

Blue Haired Lawyer: My dear jurors of the court, look at you all. Hard working citizens of this great city, having to leave your jobs and lives behind for a few measely dollars a day for your time doing one of the most important roles of your life. Deciding if this woman, Velvet Sky, should be found guilty or not.

Blue Haired Lawyer: I can honestly say that the jolly green giant with mammory glands over here has no concrete evidence that involves my client with the charges thrown at her.

Blue Haired Lawyer: But for the sake of the judicial system, we will trot out witnesses like they are show ponies, and we will ask mundane questions that will go on for days, all the while taking you away from your real lives only to find out that in the end Velvet Sky is innocent. A wrestler with a heart of gold whose good name was slandered in the mud by the deceased Miss M is the true victim in this sordid drama.

Judge Snyder: Very well. Let's begin the trial! The first witness to be called to the stand is... Hello Kitty?!

She-Hulk: What do you know of the plot to kill Miss M?

Hello Kitty: (in a gruff scratchy voice) I only know what was told of me. I was to slip the girl known as Miss M a potion at the Conference of Evil in 2013. Evil-Lyn gave me the orders.

She-Hulk: But who was giving the orders to her?

Hello Kitty: How should I know? I'm just a cute anthropomorphic cat. Or girl. I don't know what I am.

Blue Haired Lawyer: So what you are saying is that the person behind this attempt at Miss M's life could have been anyone.
Hello Kitty: Yes.

Blue Haired Lawyer: I rest my case.

Judge Snyder: Are Evil-Lyn and Skeletor witnesses to this case?

She-Hulk: Judge Snyder, no one can locate the whereabouts of Skeletor or his Evil Warriors (Editor's note: It's because they are still in space!)
Judge Snyder: Bring on the next witness.

Pink Power Ranger: So as I have said, I was busy fighting giant monsters with the Power Rangers. Someone had stolen my suit, and when it had been returned, there were shreds of badly highlighted hair, a dusting of body glitter, and a remnant of a very cheap fragrance.

She-Hulk: And those particular aspects of your suit are enough for you to firmly identify Velvet Sky as the one who stole your suit?

Pink Power Ranger: It was Velvet Sky.

Jurors: (multiple voices) Aghast! Gasp! Holy cow! IamGroot.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Only you have no proof. Tests were run on the hair, and matched with Velvet Sky's hair. The results came back inconclusive because the fibers were bleached so much that there was no way to determine a connection.

She-Hulk: The tests also show that the highlighted sections of her own hair have no match to Velvet Sky from the prolonged use of peroxide. There is still a connection.

Judge Snyder: Call in the next witness.

Janine: The extent of my injuries were incredibly serious. I was in a coma and sent to Switzerland.

She-Hulk: You almost died.

Janine: Yes. But I am able to walk again and my memories of that evening are incredibly clear. I was attacked by Velvet Sky. It was her in disguise as the Pink Power Ranger.

Blue Haired Lawyer: How can you be sure?

Janine: Her moves were so much like that of a wrestler. Plus, she likes pink and was wearing the pink Power Ranger suit.

Blue Haired Lawyer: This is all hearsay! Your honor, honestly, this list of witnesses are full of it.

She-Hulk: That's all right. We have a witness next that will bring forth the truth.

Catra: After finding out that the sewer had exploded based off of a bomb, I worked with other people to investigate the case regarding Miss M's death. It soon became apparent that someone wanted her dead. After connecting the dots through documented interviews and evidence, we found out that Velvet Sky had indeed plotted the death of Miss M.

She-Hulk: What was her motive?

Catra: Velvet Sky believed that her career as a wrestler was put in danger based upon an article that Miss M had written in 2012 that posited that Velvet Sky was trashy. This article was used to embarrass Velvet Sky at a wrestling event. This is where the plot originated from.

She-Hulk: As part of your investigation, you even got help from someone close to Velvet Sky. Her sister, Mila Rosnovsky.

Velvet Sky: What!?

Catar: Yes. With the help of the police we were able to get Mila Rosnovsky to cooperate with the investigation. Mila gave us the location of Velvet Sky and she believed that her sister was indeed responsible for the death of Miss M.

Blue Haired Lawyer: This is all circumstantial. Just because you feel like someone murdered a dork doesn't mean it was actual murder.

She-Hulk: Your honor, there is substantial proof that Velvet Sky plotted the death of Miss M!
Blue Haired Lawyer: Yes, but wanting someone dead is not the same as actually killing them.

Judge Snyder: Just bring in the next witness.

Mila: I love my sister, but I have known for a few years now that she has loathed the lady known as Miss M. I had suspicions, but after the evidence was presented by the Cat Ladies, I knew something was wrong. So I turned my sister in because I know she had something to do with the death of Miss M.

Velvet Sky: My own sister! You sick disgusting traitor! You'll regret this!

Judge Snyder: Handle your client Blue Haired Lawyer! There must be order in the court!

Blue Haired Lawyer: You need to stop!

Velvet Sky: My sister is a backstabber!

Mila: I'm so sorry sister. I had no other choice! They were going to take away my funds and dividends!

Velvet Sky: Greed has torn this family apart!

Judge Snyder: Order in the court! We will take a recess and wait for everyone to calm down! This trial is a farce of the judicial system!

She-Hulk: Right, because the real life judicial system isn't a joke at all. Right jurors?

Jurors: Right! Groot!

Judge Snyder: We're taking a recess! Enough!

April: She-Hulk, this doesn't look good. It is so obvious that Velvet Sky did this, but the proof is not adding up. We need an eye witness. You need to bring Miss M on the stand.

She-Hulk: Would you shut up! I told everyone not to mention that the dork girl is alive. Do you not understand what that would do?

April: I understand that my friend was murdered, came back, and hates me and pretty much everyone. She needs justice for what happened to her, it's the least I can do.

She-Hulk: Listen doll, you just keep reporting the news and leave this to me ok? Velvet Sky is not getting away with this.

Megan Fox: Interesting.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Are you calm yet?

Velvet Sky: Never. My own sister! Just when you think you can have a family. She betrayed me. I will never forget this.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Enough. We need to make sure this case is locked in our favor. She-Hulk is finding a way to cast a shadow of doubt on you. If they find you guilty, it's over.

Megan Fox: It doesn't have to be over.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Excuse me?
Megan Fox: I just found out a juicy tidbit that will turn the tide on this trial.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Who are you?

Megan Fox: I'm Nu-April O'Neil. And Miss M isn't dead. She's alive. Your opposing team knows all about it too. So what are you gonna do?

Blue Haired Lawyer: I'm gonna find a dork girl.

Velvet Sky: Excellent.

December 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

The trial continues soon!