So here is the thing. We all have dreams. I have many. Some I still hold onto, other dreams have flown far away. One of those dreams involved me being on daytime tv. I wanted nothing more than to appear on my favorite soap operas, preferably All My Children or One Life to Live. Erica Kane has been one of my life long role models. I used to envision myself in my best Erica variant outfit, storming into a wedding and screaming, "I object to this fake marriage! He belongs with me!" Sadly I can't act my way out of a paper bag.
The dreams of gracing Pine Valley in my best heels never came to be. Plus I don't know that I have the looks for daytime tv. Soap stars have this whole perfect specimen of human flesh about themselves, it is pretty hard to compete with that. I mean I feel confident with myself that I don't scare small animals or frighten children. I'm not some witch from a Disney film. I think I am a pretty person. Just maybe not fit for soapy weddings or evil deadly twins. (Who really wants to have a deadly evil twin anyway? It certainly didn't help Charles Xavier.)
With my soap acting dreams being axed, I had to figure out another life plan. I ended up doing something different that has currently seen me working at a non-profit helping people with their concerns and life problems. It is a great job, and I don't usually divulge about my professional life, but I will make an exception today. I found myself on tv. Make it daytime tv! (See dreams do come true, sort of.)
So here is the scoop, my city has a few tv stations that air local talk shows that tape live. Now the non-profit I work for was able to find a way for us to be on the show as a part of the live studio audience. Our goal was to have enough people rally together and find a moment to share about our work and the importance of what we do with helping the community out.
I was excited. I got up super early this morning, which isn't always the easiest thing for me to do, but I was up real early. I got it together, and put on a daytime tv outfit. Everything was great. Until I remembered that we were all going to throw on white t-shirts over our outfits. The white t-shirts had our logo on them and it was going to be a fantastic way for people to know who we were.
The problem with this is that I don't look good in white, because I am white. Really white. I don't mean, "Silly hokey white girl white." though that is clearly true. But I mean white, like Casper the friendly ghost's long lost sister white. When I wear white, it is just a mess. I really look like a ghost. Or a vampire extra on True Blood. Everything blends together. It is sad.
I arrived ready for my close up though, feeling fresh faced and full of accessories to complete the look. I was then handed the white t-shirt. With only two sizes left (and my size all gone), I ended up with the largest size possible. I slipped it on over my outfit and felt like I was in a large white dress. A mess. But I was ready to support my non-profit and we were gonna be amazing!
Before we walked onto the set to take our seats, one of the producers asked us to come up with questions about various topics that we could ask the guests. The questions needed to deal with arthritis. Well no one was raising their hands to offer an idea for a question. There was this awkward silence, until your's truly raised her hand and offered up a question.
The producer liked my question and I was then told I would be handed a microphone and told to ask my question during one of the segments. What? I was freaking out. What had I gotten myself into? I wanted more than anything to be back in my bed, under the covers sleeping my life away.
We were then escorted onto the nice looking set and after a few pictures, were then told to find our seats. The producers wanted us to spread out some to fill the spaces. I headed for the back of the row. My idea was that my ghost costume wouldn't be so bright and garish from the back row. No one would notice me and hopefully the camera would only catch my face. My plan was perfect!
Of course my big mouth would get the best of me, because the question guy wanted me on the front row so I would be ready to ask my question during the correct segment. Really? I had to sit in the front row?! I didn't want to sit on the front row! But then I asked myself, "What would Erica do?" And I smiled and marched my way to the front row, making sure I looked good. If I had to be on camera from the front row I was going to make the best of it.
So everything started to go by very quickly. We were told about applauding and all the various things we needed to know about the process of how the show works. The host of the show came out and she looked so gorgeous! I was just loving it all, it was such an exciting experience.
This is where the trouble comes in. As we were sitting I realized a horrible reality. I live in the 21st century. The cameras around me were all filming in HD. As in high definition close ups of all your business. I started to panic. I didn't want to be on HD! Ghosts do not look good under bright HD light! I look better in nice low candlelit definition. In fact I wish everything in this world ran off of candlelight. I look stunning in candlelight. My skin still glows, but it is a nice glow.
All I kept hoping for was that if anyone in my personal life was at home watching, that they'd be like, "Wow, Miss M has never looked better!" So the big moment arrived and I asked my question. I thought I had asked it pretty well, I was incredibly nervous. I just knew I was going to screw up and scream at the tv host and arthritis doctor, "I object to this fake marriage! He belongs with me!" Thankfully there was no high drama soap moment. Everything went well.
So that was it. I smiled a lot. I clapped marvelously. I tried to be as energetic all while sitting up straight. I had to make sure that my pilates was paying off. At the end we took our pictures and were told that the show would also be online later in the day and we would be able to watch the show. As soon as I left I got on the hotline to see if anyone had tuned in. My dad told me the news, "Oh everyone was watching! Your grandmother and I got on the phone and called everyone." Great. I was really hoping I didn't look like a sad lost ghost vampire.
Time passed and a little later on I saw a few stills of the show. Pictures of me. I gasped. I looked like a giant ghost! Oh goodness why on Earth did I want to volunteer to ask a question in a large white shirt? Why did I have to sit on the first row? Erica would have never looked this goofy! And you know what is worse? The show's topics were about losing weight, surgical methods of losing weight, cosmetic procedures (i.e. Botox, Hydra-facials) and other health related things. Really? I had to look like a big white ghost in the front row of a show whose topic was on ways for a person to look better? Here is a tip for looking better, don't wear white!
I even raised my hand when the producer asked the audience if any of us were interested in learning more about things like Botox and stuff. Why would I raise my hand to that?! I am slightly older, but I don't know that I am old enough to start using Botox! My goodness I was a total mess! I never want to be anywhere near a HD camera ever again. I don't like HD. I truly think it is an instrument for evil, something that the Horde would want to use in their thirst for control of the world.
All in all though, it was a great experience. It reminded me of wanting to be on daytime tv! I got to see how a live show works and it was such a learning experience. I highly recomend giving it a try! Now I am off. I am going to watch the show online. I hope and pray that I don't look as bad as my neurotic self thinks. I'll let you all know!
Also, be prepared! Night of the Living Roach Part 4: The Final Battle will be arriving soon!
Update: I just saw the show online. Holy crap I look like Bobo the Clown. Oh my goodness. That damn white shirt is so big on me. The logo is also a large screen print on the shirt, so it makes everything look puffy. Oh goodness, no one can ever see this! What a mess. However my lips looked good. At least I know I won't need any plumping work! For now...