September 2015 Bodacious Baddie!

To the stars I hope to see,

An eternity. That is how long I have left in this place. An eternity. I was chained to a fate when I was alive and now I am chained to a fate here, in the After Life. I miss the stars. I'd see them once in awhile, through the slits in the shutters in my prison when I was alive. I long to be free. I am a slave to the desires of monsters, forever twisting and writhing for their entertainment. It never ends and now it will last for an eternity. I'm not quite sure how I came to be in this endless loop of madness. I'm dead, but even the dead can't be free. Not here. All I can hope is that one day I'll see the stars. 

Oola




In the seedier side of the After Life,

Oola: Someone has arrived for you Jabba.

Jabba the Hutt: (translated from Huttese) Ah the powerful guest from the stars. Did my dancers entertain you last night?
Helspont: Your vast assortment of flesh on display, splendid as it can be, is not the reason I am here. I want to know if you have found the location of Maleficent. I've been waiting.

Jabba the Hutt: Haha. The silly powerful man demands answers. My sources have told me where Maleficent is.  

Helspont: And? Where is she?

Jabba the Hutt: She's traveled to the main castle in the After Life. The giant headquarters of all that is good.

Helspont: Wonderful. Miss Elizabeth will pay for keeping this information from me.

Oola: Miss Elizabeth? What is going on?

Helspont: Thank you Jabba. I should have come to you sooner, but story dictates that this plot gets dragged out as long as possible.

Jabba the Hutt: Haha. Everything gets dragged out here for as long as possible. Good luck finding the dark fairy.

Helspont: I will be ripping apart all those who helped Maleficent. No one will stand in my way.

Oola: I must do something...

At the offices of Diary of a Dorkette...

Irma: I'm so confused. Why are you here? Are you wanting to get back together? Because I'm really happy with Guy Friday. His pants tucked into those gladiator boots... yum.
Louis: Gladiator boots huh? That's interesting, but no. I'm not here to get back with you. Though you've never looked better.

Irma: (stammers) Oh. Oh my. Oh gosh. Well... thank you.

Louis: You are welcome. I am here though on important matters. Do you remember when we were in college, and we were working in that physics class? We had formulated a hypothesis on alternate dimensions and made contact with someone from Dimension X.

Irma: Yeah, I remember that. What of it though?

Louis: Ok, so, when I joined the Ghostbusters I stumbled upon a device that was from Dimension X.
Irma: That's not possible. Dimension X was just a silly hypothesis in college, we chalked the contact up to static.
Louis: It's not static. Dimension X is real, and if we can get there, we can then find a way to Dimensions Y and Z. You know what that means right?
Irma: We'll be able to unlock every secret in the universe. We will know all. Even what happened to April's dad.
Louis: And so much more. I need to do this for Egon. I just need your help to do all this.

Irma: Why me?
Louis: You're the smartest person I know and you're wasting your talents and brains working in this office. Come with me, help me get to Dimension X.
Irma: I have a life here. I have a boyfriend.
Louis: I know, and I'm sorry. I'm asking you to give up a lot, but if we can make this work we will change everything. Please, say you'll join me.
Irma: (pauses for a moment) Ok. I'll go, but give me a few days to let everyone know. I can't just drop this on Guy Friday.
Louis: Deal. Thank you Irma. We're going to change the world.
Irma: I hope so.
 

Guy Friday: All right! I've had enough of waiting. Are you finished talking with my girlfriend yet?
Irma: Guy Friday! We were only talking.
Louis: Yeah, I was just catching her up on my travels.

Guy Friday: I don't care. Irma is my girlfriend.

Louis: I'm not trying to disrupt the love between you two. I'm simply trying to catch up with an old friend.

Guy Friday: Yeah. Right. I see you, all handsome with your large frames and sweet Ghostbuster suit. You're catnip to a girl like Irma.

Irma: Hey now! I'm not some clueless half wit. Nothing is going on with Louis. Stop being so jealous. I love you.

Guy Friday: I'm sorry for acting like a clown. I just didn't know what was going on, you two were talking for some time.
Irma: Nothing to worry about. I love you. No matter what.

Guy Friday: Sorry Louie.
Louis: It's Louis.
Guy Friday: Yeah. I know.
Irma: (rolls her eyes) Come on, let's go.

Guy Friday: Are you mad at me?
Irma: No, let's go get something to eat. You and me.
Guy Friday: Ok.

They walk off as Irma says a good bye to Louis.

She looks back knowingly. She'll be breaking Guy Friday's heart, but if it's true, if there is a way to unlock Dimensions X, Y, and Z, it will be worth it.

Louis knows this is a tough call. He's asking her to walk away from her life. It might be a dangerous mission. She's the only one though that can do it. He needs her. More than he'd like to admit...

In the After Life...

Miss Elizabeth: This should be a safe place. The Crystal Castle you were hiding out in was just too dangerous.
Maleficent: So you take me to the After Life headquarters. How quaint.

Miss Elizabeth: Ya know I could just give you up to Helspont. I don't have to help you.

Maleficent: Don't be ridiculous. You're too far involved. Helspont and those other cosmic forces will destroy you as swift as they will me.

Angela: No one will harm Miss Elizabeth. I'll make sure of that fairy.

Miss Elizabeth: Angela is one of the final warriors of light. She will protect us.

Maleficent: Oh, silly me! How could I be so dumb. Of course the half naked woman with no sword will save us. Pardon me for thinking you are all fools. This place is not safe, and if you were smart, you'd leave.
Miss Elizabeth: But where can we go? We're all dead.

Ed: This castle is cool and all, but it's no Crystal Castle replica.
Gwen: You didn't make that Crystal Castle replica for me, huh?

Ed: Ah, I didn't. I'm really sorry Gwen. I've been wanting to talk about this for some time, but we keep moving and hiding from cosmic forces. The truth is, I think you are spectacular. I just ended up falling in love with someone else.

Gwen: I kinda figured. I mean it's ok. Actually it's not, it kinda sucks. I kinda want to kick your ass for being a slimy jerk, but I won't. I'd really like to though.

Gwen: I thought we had something special. Ya know? It's ok though. Not really. But yeah. I'll be ok.
Ed: I'm so sorry. I know I'll probably kick myself for this. I just can't help who I fall in love with.
Gwen: I can understand. I even respect it. I just wish we weren't dead. I hate being here.

Ed: I understand. You mean a lot to me though Gwen. Please know that. You just deserve better. You always have.

Maleficent: So the plan is that we hide out here. For how long? That's all I've been doing is hiding. Do we ever plan on fighting? We both know we will be in trouble at some point.

Miss Elizabeth: Look, there's nothing to plan. Helspont is on a wild chase looking for you. He won't find you. The After Life is too vast.

Maleficent: You are such a fool Elizabeth. You always were.

Suddenly they all turn at the sight of a visitor...

Oola: I'm here to share words with Miss Elizabeth and the dark fairy. A man by the name of Helspont is on his way. He intends to destroy you all.

Maleficent: Wow. This vast After Life must not be that vast after all, hmm Elizabeth? Care to explain what we will be doing next?

Miss Elizabeth: I don't understand. How did this happen?
Oola: Jabba the Hutt had sources that informed Helspont. I managed to escape...

Maleficent: As riveting as this all is, we need to leave. Assuming this sad rag tale is even true.
 

Miss Elizabeth: You know this is true. Helspont is not going to give up.

Angela: We engage in battle.

Maleficent: Battle is a waste of time. I need to leave. I know a place that will grant me unlimited magic power to end all this madness.

Ed: Wait a second, you aren't leaving me behind. I'm as good as double dead for being with you this whole time.

Maleficent: Very well, you can join me. Though we will need to change this look of yours soon. I am growing tired of the Panda suit.
Ed: I can't help that! It's what I died wearing.

Oola: Wait! Take me with you. I beg of you.
Maleficent: This is not some field trip. I will be travelling to another dimension, it will be dangerous.
Oola: I don't mind. I was a piece of property when I was alive and I've been a piece of property in death. If I go with you and die in a dangerous place, it will be better than how I died before.
Ed: Oh yeah! What was it like being eaten by a rancor?
Oola: It was horrible.
Ed: Geesh. Here I thought getting killed by a mob of Twihards in the mall food court sucked. The rancor digestive system is atrocious, I've heard.

Oola: Please. I will do whatever I can.

Maleficent: Can you fight if need be?
Oola: Yes.

Maleficent: Very well, you may join us. Now shall we? (begins a chant) Nostravus Alcala Skeletis!

Suddenly a dimensional portal opens up!

Magik: Who called for me?
Maleficent: It was I.

Magik: You require my transport? For what reason? This is the After Life.

Maleficent: Of course. Normally I would use my own powers to leave this place, but I am unable to at this time. I need you to safely deliver us to another dimension. I require the use of special magic.

Ed: Holy cow, that's Magik.

Oola: I believe I'll finally see the stars...

Magik: Very well. We leave now.

Miss Elizabeth: Maleficent! You can't just go to some other dimension! It's due to your negligence involving playing with life and death that we are all in this trouble to begin with!

Maleficent: We are in trouble, but it doesn't matter. I will find a way to fix this.
Miss Elizabeth: Just what are you going to do?
Magik: Where are we off to?
Maleficent: Like I've said, we are going to gather the finest spells... we are going to Dimension X...

Magik: Very well.

With a quick twirl Magik transports Maleficent, Ed, and Oola to a dimension far away...

Miss Elizabeth: Great. Maleficent is going to cause a war.
Angela: Do you think she can find a way to stop this cosmic threat?
Miss Elizabeth: I do not know.

Angela: (turns at a thunderous sound) He is coming. Can you hear him?

Miss Elizabeth: I can feel him. We might be dead, but Helspont will find a way to inflict a new kind of pain on us. We can't let that happen.

Miss Elizabeth: I will call upon the mystical armor of the After Life to help save this place. Helspont will not win!

In a flash of dazzling light, Miss Elizabeth dons a most powerful armor.

Angela: It is magnificent Miss Elizabeth.
Miss Elizabeth: Thank you.

Miss Elizabeth: This is our moment Angela. Call upon the other warriors of light. We must protect the After Life. Again.

Angela: Yes. The After Life won't fall. I'll gather the other warriors.

Gwen: I'd like to help.

Miss Elizabeth: Have you fought before?
Gwen: No. Not really. I've been through some terrible stuff though. So I'm not trained but I want to kick some ass. Like kick and torture. That's not really nice of me, but I will. I totally will.
Miss Elizabeth: Come on then. Helspont has arrived...

Back on Earth...

Miss M: (on wireless phone chip in her ear) I should be home soon.

Bruce Wayne: (using same phone chip) Great. Yvie misses her mommy. What are you doing anyway?

Miss M: I'm just meeting an old friend real quick.

Bruce Wayne: Ok. Hurry back soon. I love...
Miss M: Bruce!
Bruce Wayne: Sorry. See you soon.

Miss M: Hey, you're here.
Michelangelo: Were you on the phone?
Miss M: Just got off. So, here we are.
Michelangelo: Yep. The place we met on our first date.
Miss M: It was an epic first date. I didn't realize Antonio's had shut down though.

Michelangelo: It didn't, they just moved.
Miss M: I see. So, I don't think you are here to reminisce about that date. Care to tell me what is going on?

Michelangelo: When you died you left your house to my brothers and me. I'm here to give you the key back to your house.

Miss M: Don't be silly. I gave that house to you guys. I ended up finding other places to live in when I came back from the dead.

Michelangelo: I know, but now that Mona Lisa and I are now a full fledged married couple, it's kinda hard sharing space in a house with my wife, brothers, and Master Splinter.
Miss M: I can understand.
Michelangelo: Plus it was your old house. Mona Lisa feels like she is living in your shadow.
Miss M: That's silly. How is married life anyway?

Michelangelo: Being married is cool. Mona Lisa is a babe. She's even helped me grow. I'm no longer the party turtle. She wants me to be all grown up and stuff.
Miss M: I was thinking your voice sounded different.
Michelangelo: Yeah, I'm totally trying to talk like a mature turtle. Like Raph or something.
Miss M: Right. Well, glad you guys are happy.
Michelangelo: I can't thank you enough for letting us live in your house after our sewer lair exploded.

Miss M: (grabs keys) Yeah, well I was in that explosion so it was poetic. I guess. I've never been good with poetry.

Michelangelo: Now you have your home back.
Miss M: I'll probably put my house on the market. I have a new home now.
Michelangelo: I heard about that. You're living with Bruce Wayne. (slightly jealous) I didn't realize you two were an item or had a baby. When's the wedding?

Miss M: There will be no wedding. I care about Bruce, but I am never getting married. I don't believe in that stuff. The last thing I ever want is to be married and then fall into the traps of false happily ever afters. It starts out all well and good, one mound of flesh wants to bump into another mound of flesh until both mounds get tired of bumping into each other and instead end up fawning over other newer mounds or just internet porn. I'm never going to be put into that situation. I will never be a stale grody mound. Marriage is just not for me. It's full of phony bologna. No offense.

Michelangelo: None taken. Marriage is a weird thing. I personally like it though. I never thought I'd marry Mona Lisa. To be honest I thought you'd be my bangin wife.

Miss M: I did too. Things change though. Neither of us expected to have our romance cut off so soon.

Michelangelo: Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I ran off with you when you barged into the church.
Miss M: You need to stop that. You made your choice. You're a married turtle.

Michelangelo: I know. I just can't help but look at you and feel like I might have made a mistake. I miss you. I think had things turned out differently, you and I would have been truly happy, no internet porn or bologna in our way. That's not how it is though. I have something special with Mona Lisa too, she makes me really happy. I feel like I'm growing into a gnarly ninja dude. Plus we're trying to have a baby, and that would have been difficult with you...

Miss M: (cuts him off) Thanks for the key.

Michelangelo: Have I said something wrong?
Miss M: I just don't want to talk about this stuff. I thought I knew my life, and now I'm just as lost as ever before. I can't start thinking about what could have been or what never will.

Michelangelo: I know. I'm sorry. I guess we should go. I just wanted you to know you could have your old house back. Also, don't be scared to fall for him. Bruce Wayne is a good guy. You two share a child together. I think you could be very happy with him.

Miss M: Thanks. I'm not interested in getting my heart hurt. No more. I wish you the best Michelangelo. See ya around.

They turn and quietly walk away from each other. Both secretly yearn for the days when their love was new and seemingly unstoppable.

A time when a girl waltzed in for a new hair do for a special date with a ninja turtle, over some pizza in the basement of Antonio's. Everything seemed like it would be perfect, even when evil threatened to stop them. The two had a spark, something special.

Now all that's left are some old memories and a closed restaurant. Everyone changes and moves on. They both know though that their love was real while it lasted. What they don't know though is that a cosmic force is coming ever closer to ripping away every memory ever shared by Miss M and the people she loves. The stars are shining bright for awhile longer.