Sunday, May 22, 2016

All My Toys: Everything Changes

Dear Diary,

This new world is not what I was expecting. Mountains are no longer made of rock but instead consist of boxes housing old relics known as toys. There are no natural sights on the horizon, only a giant wall with toys I used to know frozen in time on cardboard. Where once was a blue sky is now just a spackle white with flecks of glitter that resemble stars. I'm scared I'll never see real stars again. Everything is so weird. I have to make it right. Even if the world hates me, I must make it right.

-Miss M

In an area of evil following the explosion that nearly killed Cobra Commander, Rita Repulsa gives out orders.

Rita: Don't drop him! He's our commander!

Stormtrooper: Sheesh. He's a very heavy commander.

Rita: Lift his legs! Someone find some Fabreeze or a nice Calgon body mist. I smell burnt flesh.

Stormtrooper: Damn lady, we can only do one thing at a time.
Cobra Commander: (gurgles in pain)

Rita Repulsa: Make sure he is comfortable! Find a way to fix his face under that hood! That's where the burnt smell is coming from. What happened out there?!

Stormtrooper: Cobra Commander found Miss M in a tucked away home housing other deflectors. The place exploded before Cobra Commander could get inside.

Haggar: They need to pay for this.

Rita Repulsa: Not now Haggar. We need to make sure Cobra Commander survives. We will deal with the deflectors after that. Now, we need to make sure he is stabilized.

Rita: Don't you understand anything? If he dies it will truly be the end of Cobra, and they are already holding on by a thread.

Haggar: We must not look weak. We must strike now. I have mastered the art of these affairs.

Rita: Look you old bag, our queen will be furious if we do something rash. I'm going to check on the commander before those bumbling troopers kill him.
Haggar: Fools. All of them. Just fools.

Haggar: (motions for a Clone trooper) Stay quiet and listen.

Clone trooper: Yes mistress Haggar?
Haggar: Prepare a coffin. Cobra Commander has been working on something special, a truly deadly weapon. An all new Robeast. Send it out into the wild. Have it track down Miss M.

Clone trooper: Cobra Commander ordered the Robeast to be left alone until it was ready.

Haggar: Our fearless Commander might not make it. We must make a statement. Unleash the latest weapon. Miss M must die!

Else where,

Miss M: Are we there yet?
Michelangelo: Almost dudette.
Miss M: Good, because I'm getting a rush of memories as we travail this mountainous area of my former playsets.
Brian: I always liked this house. It has an air of a horror movie to it, don't you think?

Miss M: Everything around here has the air of a horror movie around it. This story arc was supposed to have already ended months ago.

Brian: You've been a busy woman. People will understand. And if they don't screw 'em. I'd actually use something a little stronger word-wise, but I know you have weird issues with writing cuss words. I can't even believe I'm saying all this.
Miss M: It's a fine line to walk. We're on a plastic bin doubling as a mountain while talking nonsense. I should've had snacks on me. That would have helped.

Michelangelo: No need for snacksters dudette, we are about to be there! The gang will be glad to see you.

Miss M: Just who makes up the gang?
Michelangelo: Well let's see...
Brian: Don't tell her. Let her find out. It's important to stretch this thing out as long as possible.

Miss M: All I know is that there better be candy when I get there. I am starving.

Michelangelo: Candy? There's like an oven for gnarly pizza.

Brian: Candy is pretty good. Pizza too. What about sardines? Tom Hanks doesn't like them but they could be good.

Miss M: No way to sardines. Is this it? Are we finally there? Hello up there!

Black Cat: Hello! Mikey, is that you?

Michelangelo: You know it! Keep the claws in, I've brought some back up!

Black Cat: Cool! Come on up!

Michelangelo: Look what the turtle brought in! Get it? Being a Cat Lady I thought you'd get a cool kick out of that one.

Black Cat: Is that???

Miss M: Yes. It's me, M. In my super hero disguise. It's so nice to see a familiar face.

Ed: What about this familiar face?

Miss M: Ed! Holy cow Ed!
Ed: In the flesh baby. Sort of. I keep waiting to find out if I'll be back in the After Life or not, for now I'm living the life of a rebel.

Ed: We've all become rebels here.

Strawberry Shortcake: I've seen horrible things in this new world. (shakes her body as more hair falls out) I can't take much more.

Billy: Oh M, are we glad to see you. I miss the old you, but that's ok. Super hero you isn't so bad.

Janine: We live in strange times. You destroyed the world Miss M and so many people hate you for it. I don't. I used to be in a coma so any chance I have to mix it up works for me.

Frankenberry: Oh M. We all got separated. I haven't been able to find Jasmine yet. My poor lady love could be dead.

Glo: M, you may have murdered the future but it is going to be all right. We've devised a plan.

Ed: That's right. A plan. Plans are good. Like when I had plans to build you a Crystal Castle replica when we were chilling in the After Life.

Brian: (hums some Squirrel Nut Zippers) In the After Life, you could be headed for the serious strife...

Michelangelo: Like M, we've totally got this figured out. You can save us. You gotta find this bodacious map though.

Miss M: A map?
Ed: Yes. It's been hidden on an island in the Pink Sea.
Miss M: Where does the map take me? I'm confused.

Sulu: The map has secret coordinates to the key to our future. It is possible that you can bring us back to the world we once knew.

Miss M: How? I screwed everything up!
Ed: You didn't screw it all up. Actually, you going after Lady Kale and collapsing the universe all around us allowed someone to come back.

The sounds of footsteps echo above.

Miss M: What?!

Miss M: It can't be.

She-Ra! She-Ra!

Miss M: How long has it been?
She-Ra: Over a year.
Miss M: We were in space together, and then...
She-Ra: Then I was written out of the universe.

Miss M: You're back though! Oh my goodness I am so happy to see you! I have to pinch myself.

She-Ra: Don't pinch yourself too hard. We need you here. Come on, we've got some celebrating to do before you fix this mess.

A reasonable amount of celebratory moments later...

Miss M: I can't believe I'm here. That they are here. She-Ra came back. I thought she'd be gone forever. Everyone looks great. Michelangelo looks really great. Maybe it's that leather jacket, I don't know but he is just dreamy.

Miss M: (looks over as someone approaches) Hey.

Michelangelo: I'm gonna come sit with ya, cool? Wanted a break from all that crazy celebrating?
Miss M: Something like that. I mostly just wanted to step away so I could look at the stars.

Miss M: This is about as good as it gets.

Miss M: I used to live here. It's so strange to be back.

Michelangelo: I know right dudette? I remember when you died and you left this place to my brothers and me. Way cool of you. A real class act.

Miss M: I don't know that I can do this. I am so glad to be back and to see everyone, though I'd love to see April. I just don't know if I can do this. I sometimes wonder if I should have stayed back in the real world. Being here and seeing the world like this, it makes me sad. I wish my baby Yvie had lived. I wish Bruce were here too.

Michelangelo: Aw come on babe. You don't need Bruce Wayne. You've got me, the totally tubular party turtle.
Miss M: Michelangelo, you're still married.
Michelangelo: I know. I just hate we never really had a chance.
Miss M: I know. 
Michelangelo: You have to get going huh? I can totally hear it in those pipes.
Miss M: I do. I need to finish this.

As Miss M leaves the house to begin her journey, there's a whole other journey unfolding not too far away...

Barbarocious: Foolish child! Why won't you listen to me?! I never should have taken you.
Yvie: ...

Barbarocious: That's right. Keep being silent. I will break you, you little brat. Your powers will be mine!

Yvie: ...

Miss M: How long have I been walking? This is insane.

Miss M: I've got to find the Pink Sea. (pauses) Oh hey! Castle Grayskull! Maybe He-Man is home.

Miss M: (shouts) Hello! Is anyone home? He-Man! Are you there?

Barbarocious: (hears voices outside) What is that racket?

Yvie: (perks up as she hears a familiar voice)

Barbarocious: Please child. You aren't leaving. (screams out) Short Cut! Come here this instant and watch the brat bat. We've got company.

Miss M: (shouts with an echo) Hello! Please! Someone must be home!

Miss M: (hears footsteps) Finally! I was wondering when He-Man would show up.

Barbarocious: Yes? How may I help you?

Miss M: You aren't He-Man. Is he there?

Barbarocious: Never heard of him. It's dangerous out there, what are you doing here?

Miss M: I'm actually looking for the Pink Sea. I stumbled upon this place and it reminded me of when I was younger. I apologize for any inconvenience!

Barbarocious: Oh it's the Pink Sea you are looking for? In that case just travel the path you are already on. You'll find the Pink Sea soon enough.

Barbarocious: It's a quick walk soon enough, just follow along this path.
Miss M: Thank you. I can certainly do that. (pauses) Ya know, it's so weird, but I feel like we are connected in some weird way.
Barbarocious: I have no idea what you are feeling. I don't feel a connection at all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have company I am neglecting.
Miss M: Ok, well thanks for your help. I'll be on my way.

Barbarocious: (watches M leave) Stupid girl. 

A perilous adventure that couldn't be captured on camera soon follows leading up to Miss M finding the Pink Sea!

Miss M: Where the heck am I? This is all so weird.

Miss M: At least there's a cooler on this thing.

Miss M: Finally. The island ominously approaches!

Miss M: Everything is so grey. I miss Jean Grey. She gets such a raw deal in the universe. Like why is it that women get immense power and then go crazy? Or can't handle it and die like ten times. Oh, hi Wicket!

Wicket: (translated from Ewok) <We've been waiting far too long. The forests on the island are being torn down. Have you seen Captain Planet?>

Miss M: Oh goodness I don't understand a word you are saying.

Oola: Now you know what I've been dealing with for months. I think I understand most of what he says.
Miss M: Oh my goodness! Oola! It's so nice to see you alive and not as a snack.

Oola: You must be Miss M. I was expecting you to be a brunette with large eyes.

Miss M: Oh that's my day to day look. I'm dressed as a super hero.

Wicket: <We must hurry. Environmental forces of evil are coming!>

Oola: That's right Wicket, we do need to give Miss M the map.

Miss M: A map?
Oola: Yes. A map to a very secret and super special destination. Here, this should have everything. (reaches out with nothing in her hands)

Miss M: Where's the map?

Oola: I gave it to you. I uploaded it into your consciousness. Better to not have a paper trail.

Suddenly something evil descends from the skies!

What could be inside?

A new shell for Glitter?

The beastly vehicle crashes into the Pink Sea! Glittery water splashes everywhere! (I couldn't capture all that sea spray.)

The coffin slowly drifts towards the island.

With a frightful anticipation in the air the coffin floats still across the sea, staring at our heroes.

Oola: What is that?

Miss M: I don't like the looks of this. Have you ever seen Voltron?
Oola: No. I was living on a planet chained to a giant booger. I then got eaten alive by something that needed a mint. Most of my existence has been in the After Life. With no television.

Miss M: Yeah, I've been to the After Life. We really need to get you some copies of Voltron. (gasps) It's opening!

Unable to still see what is inside, the heroes wait patiently in a dramatic fashion.

Something wicked steps out, something truly twisted.

Oola: That looks like the Batman guy that Ed told me about.
Miss M: Bruce, what did they do to you?

Fueled with psychotic rage, Batman looks across the island. He does not see Miss M (his lady love) nor does he see Oola or Wicket. Instead he can only see bodies of people he must destroy.

Batman: (snarls) Kill. I will kill them all for Cobra.

Miss M: Oh shit. Here we go.

Batman lunges across the water charging towards Miss M and her friends. Shouting out in stress, Miss M orders Oola and Wicket to find a place to hide.

Batman: What a little girl. This will be easy.
Miss M: I can assure you, it will not.

Miss M: Bruce, don't do this.

Batman: Who is Bruce? I am Batman! Here to rid the world of you.

He punches hard knocking the wind out of her.

With a swift kick he slams her body into the trunk of a tree. She knows her insides must be giving quite a show, if only there was a special x-ray Mortal Kombat camera!

Miss M: Damn that hurts. Bruce, stop this.

Batman: Why do you keep calling me Bruce?

Batman: It only makes me angrier!

Miss M: Well this is it. My damn head is about to be squashed on some grey Lego ground. Just great.

Suddenly the tree house opens up!

Oola: Hey duesseldouche! I am really sick of assholes treating women like shit.

Oola: Try fighting this thing!

Taking aim at Batman, Oola fires the missile off with a little lackluster oomph.

It's got the power to go, go, go though!

Batman embraces for the impact with lots of cussing.

Batman: This isn't over!

Taking a restful moment, Batman floats in the Pink Sea wondering how get there.

Miss M: (coughs) Oh I need a shot of Dr. Pepper. This hurts too much. (prepares to stand)

Miss M: Good job Oola. You saved my life.

Oola: No problem. I think your friend is coming back for more though.

Miss M: He's actually more than a friend. He's my dead baby daddy. We were in love once until I wrote him out of the universe. (sighs) Don't give me that look.

Batman: Fiendish women of ill repute! I will enjoy destroying you both.

Miss M: Wicket! Shroom me!

Wicket: <I can understand that!>

Miss M: These things seem to move faster in the video games.

Miss M: I suppose I could run to it. Maybe that's why it moves faster in the video games.

Miss M: Ok little guy. Are you ready to sacrifice yourself so I can grow big and strong? (smiles) I knew it!

Cue that Mario Mushroom music!

Miss M: How fun! I have a helmet.

Batman: Mmm, more of me to slaughter.

Miss M: I'm going to find you Bruce. Oola, Wicket, I think you both need to leave now.

Oola: Right! I can finally be free of this place!

Somewhere a voice calls out from the skies: Mortal Kombat!!!

The two engage in fisticuffs and bicycle kicks!

Miss M: You're not as strong when you're bat shit crazy.

Batman: Miscreant, feel what I can do to you.

His punch lands so hard she is released into the air, speeding away at an alarming rate.

She feels like her body is floating into space. Looking down at the man she loves, Miss M questions how she'll get him back.

Slamming into the Wall, Miss M is startled back to reality. Love might not be able to save the day. Batman could very well kill her.

Miss M: Oh he's coming back for more.

Lunging through the air, Batman soon makes it to the Wall.

He screams out a battle cry while pounding his chest.

Miss M: Oh come on with it already!

Batman: Hail Cobra!

Miss M: You are so going to regret saying that.

His grip feels tight around her wrist.

Miss M: You need to stop slamming me into all this wood.

Miss M: At least buy me dinner first.

Batman: Stop with your corny jokes!

Miss M: Why? Does it remind you of me? Come on Bruce. I know you are in there.

Batman: I am only interested in killing you.

Miss M: You might need to catch me first jerk turd!

Miss M: Really? I have to run past my friends frozen in plastic carbonite? This is bull.

Miss M screams as she prepares to jump.

Batman looks on hoping she falls to her death.

Miss M: All those years playing Mega Man has paid off.

Miss M: No! Don't jump!

He continues to fight as Mermista looks on in frozen fear!

Miss M: Get off of me!

Both are flung off again.

Batman: You manage to survive rather well.

Miss M: That's right! I can survive. This won't be easy.

Batman: I like it when my prey fights.

Body slamming her for the kill, Miss M winces as her back makes random noises.

Batman: This is the end foul woman.

Miss M: No. Bruce. You have to take control.

Miss M: I'll show you how.

She kisses him. One of those deep stirring kisses, the kind that make every particle of your body stand on end. Looking into his eyes she sees a flash of the man she loves. He's still there.

The moment is fleeting as murderous rage floods into his eyes. He tries to bite the side of her face, hoping to tear her eye out.

With her knee doubling as a nutcracker, Miss M ends the fight. For now.

Batman: You bitch!

Miss M struggles to save him before he falls into a pit of random artifacts.

Miss M: Oh Bruce.

Miss M: I need to get out of here before he comes back.

Miss M: Who doesn't love the idea of sliding down a lamp shade? I really need to bring the old toy world back.

Crashing into the Pink Sea and washing back up onto the island, Miss M can finally catch her breath.

Miss M: I probably have a few more minutes left before the mushroom effect goes away.

Miss M: I'm just gonna keep sitting. Holy shit my back hurts so bad. Where's my damn Dr. Pepper! This freakin imaginary world needs to have a Dr. Pepper tree.

Miss M: Ok dorkette, we've got to wrap this already long winded story arc up. I've got to make things normal again. If nothing more than for the life I could have had with Bruce and Yvie. I will make it all right again.

Back at Castle Grayskull...

Barbarocious: Short Cut! Did you find the scissors?

Short Cut: Yes Barbarocious. Are we making crafts for the little one?

Yvie: ...

Barbarocious: No. There will be no arts and crafts.

Barbarocious: That little brat possesses something I need. Do you understand what I want you to do?

Short Cut: Umm, I don't understand.

Barbarocious: Clip her wings. She won't be needing them for what I have in store for her.

Yvie: (cries out loudly trying to escape)
Short Cut: It's ok little one. You couldn't fly with them yet anyway.

Barbarocious: Ssh. Don't cry. It's like a wise being once said, "To be free, one must give up a little part of oneself."

It takes a few tries before the wings are cut off. Screams echo throughout the halls of Castle Grayskull. They eventually fade away as Yvie falls unconscious. Everything has to change at some point.

To be continued!


  1. Brian's meta commentary is on point as usual.

    I know this Batman toy is Zur-En-Arrh but with his urge to kill and beat women I'm just gonna call him David Goyer Batman.

    Supersize Miss M kind of looks like Deadpool with the nearly red suit and domino mask.

  2. Oh my gosh! This really got me in the feels. OH MY GOSH! It's horrible that things are so painful for everyone :(

  3. Love this ! Except for Oola calling Jabba a booger! You know I HATE booger jokes!! You BOTH should go down the trapdoor for that one! Haha! I suppose everyone has something that grosses them out! Boogers gross me out! I love all kinds of gore and blood, but I can not handle boogers! I always thought Jabba looked more like a slug than that anyway!
    Anyhoo-on a different topic, do you own a Shokoti MotuC !? I don't REMEMBER if you have used her or not. I didn't remember the Shokoti and Lord Masque two parter!! But I just watched it and I LOVE those characters! I assume you have a Shokoti! I NEED me one of those figures! So fucking cool! Like H.P Lovecraft in MOTU!
    BTW -did you know that according to Filmation bibles for "He-Ro:Son of He-Man" SEA HAWK has a child with Adora!
    Bow is fucked!
    I will read your cool new interview posts tonight hopefully! -Luv always,
    the Moose