All My Toys: Assholes In Space!

Dear Diary,

I agreed to marry a monster. A madman. A Super Natural weirdo with a hologram chest hiding the most sinister of flames. Anyways. Here's the deal. I am stuck in space with this madman named Burnheart who wants me dead because I killed his one true love Lady Kale. (Remember that crack pot?) Anyways, he is planning on making me watch him blow Earth up with everyone I have ever known and loved unaware that their deaths are close at hand. All for revenge. What a total tool. Also, my dearest Ed is back from the dead and on this ship with me. I only hope he avoids doing anything stupid. Please Ed, do not do anything stupid.

-Miss M




 At the Bat Cave...

April: Wow. You must not have many women down here Bruce. Also, is that a rocket?
Batman: I am Batman, April. And no, not many women come down to my Cave.
April: Whatever Bruce. Everyone knows you are Batman. So what's with the rocket?

Batman: I'm Batman. My Bat Rocket is going to get me into space. I am not going to sit here and wait for Samus to get us into space. I am going to find M and bring her home.

April: Space is a pretty big place. She could be anywhere. I get that you want to save her, but this could be really bad if you end up in danger too.

Batman: I will not end up in danger. M is in trouble and I won't let her die at the hands of that jackass.
April: You really love her don't you?
Batman: That's besides the point. She needs to be back here because I think our daughter is alive.
April: Yvie is alive?
Batman: Yes. I saw her with Moth Lady at an airport in Europe. This is why I called you here. While I am gone finding M, I need you to see what you can find on Moth Lady. Track her down. If she has our daughter, we will do everything we can to bring her back.

April: Holy moly. This will change everything if this is true. M will be so happy.

Batman: Find Moth Lady. I am going to find M. I only hope I won't be too late.

Back in space...

Miss M: Wait! You can't just blow up Earth yet!

Burnheart: Hold her down Skull Guard.

Burnheart: Now why can't I destroy Earth?

Miss M: Well. I mean. Aren't we close to it? Won't blowing up an entire planet mess with the space between us? We could be hit by rocks! You wouldn't get to spend the rest of your life torturing me.

Ed: Yeah! No one is torturing Miss M!
Burnheart: What is this?!
Miss M: Ed!

Miss M: Ed! You were supposed to hide! Don't be stupid!

Ed: Excuse me weird dude, but Miss M is the kindest coolest dorky girl in the universe. I won't let you hurt her.

Burnheart: Is that so?
Ed: Yeah. That is totally so Douche Lord.
Burnheart: (sends a psychic flame into Ed's brain) I don't think so.

Ed: Yeow!!! Oh my shit storm of flames! It burns!

Miss M: Stop! What are you doing to him!? It's me you want.

Burnheart: You forget about my plans. I want to see the look on your face as I harm and kill everyone you know.
 

Miss M: You won't get away with this. I will see to that.

Burnheart: Really? You think you will be able to stop me?
Miss M: Yep.
Burnheart: Delusional girl.
Skull Guard: Umm, King Burnheart, you are talking too much.

Burnheart: I most certainly am not. There is nothing this fluffy girl in all her pink can do to me.
Miss M: HA! You just don't like the idea of a girl in a pink dress beating your sorry behind.
Burnheart: Believe me, I am far more interested in seeing what is under that pink dress. But all in due time. I will have my way with you as you see your precious Earth shattered and frozen in space.

Miss M: You will do no such thing. No man will ever have his way with me. Never. I thank you though for this lovely distraction.

Miss M: (activates her super hero costume from her hair bow) I am going to stop you. This all reminds me of something a dear friend of mine says from time to time, for the honor of Grayskull...

Burnheart: What is this???

Miss M: I may not be She-Ra but I will still kick your ass.

Miss M: Heads up numskulls!

Miss M: All right Burnheart. You think you're untouchable?

Burnheart: I will not be bested by a girl. With bangs.

Miss M: (slides towards him) Oh, you are totally getting bested by a girl. With bangs.

Burnheart screams in annoyance.

Miss M unleashes a flurry of kicks!

More kicks! Pow! Bam!

Burnheart: (roughly grabs hold of Miss M's arm) Enough of this!

Miss M: AHHH!

Burnheart slams Miss M onto the console.

Burnheart: Now this is how I want you.

Burnheart: Stay down!

Burnheart: (quickly flips Miss M over) On second thought, I want you looking at me for what is coming next.

Miss M quickly dodges his advances and prepares for a fight.

Miss M: You twisted bastard.

Miss M: I hope you have first aid kits in this joint!
 

Miss M performs one of those fancy wrestling moves that slams the vile Burnheart down to the ground.

Burnheart: (rises up in a creepy Michael Myers manner) You think you have what it takes to kill me? Well go on you loser of a woman. Give me your best shot.

He lunges for her, with the intent to burn every bit of her. However Miss M summons a power from deep within and delivers it in a shattering punch. Sparks fly.

Burnheart: (groans) Impossible! My hologram shield. It is cracked.

Miss M: Let's crack it some more! I learned this drop kick from Mileena!

Miss M: That should do the trick. Try to touch me now ass hat.

Burnheart: (gurgles flames) No. This can't be happening. You had to pay...

Burnheart's holographic facade explodes releasing ancient flames of evil that exist no more!

Miss M: Looks like my throat after a night of heavy pizza eating.

Ed: M? Am I dead?
Miss M: No. I don't think so. How is your head Ed?
Ed: I think I am ok. I thought my brain was a fried pickle for a second.

Ed: Are you sure you stopped him?
Miss M: Yes. Burnheart will not be bothering us. We just need to get back to Earth.

Ed: Yeah. That's a good idea. Any idea on how to fly a weird alien space ship?
Miss M: Nope. No idea. Shit.

Suddenly an alarm goes off shouting out a chilling message: the ship's detonation timer has been initiated. The ship will explode in 15 minutes.

Miss M: Are you kidding me?! Fifteen minutes and this thing blows up!?
Ed: I guess Burnheart had a Plan B?
Miss M: This is not looking good.

Back on Earth...

April: Ok. Let's see if this little gutter snipe is in here.

April: Figured you would be. You can't trick a poor defenseless animal into loving you. Better to give up now on life.

Megan Fox: I thought I heard the sound of an old woman's voice. Death and bile have never sounded more frightening.
April: Hello Megan.
Megan Fox: April. A pleasure to see you.
April: Still trying to look like me I see.
Megan Fox: I played you in two movies. There's always hope for a third. After all, you are such a fascinating character.

April: You play me again in another movie and I will find a way to get your husband to be my love interest in a 90210 Reunion Show. I think I would make a lovely Donna Martin. All I need is a shake 'n go blonde wig.

Megan Fox: Your threats are weird and pathetic. What do you want April?

April: This pains me to say, but I came looking for your help. You work for one of the biggest news stations in the world. You have access to cameras and news sites the world over.
Megan Fox: I know. Funny how things change. When's the last time you reported anything on the news?
April: You're funeral.
Megan Fox: Don't be bitter April. It is making your Botox wear off.

April: Ok can it. This is serious. I need your help finding someone.
Megan Fox: Does this someone have a name?
April: Moth Lady. I have a few photos. It's very important. It is believed that she has kidnapped a child.
Megan Fox: Kidnappings happen all the time, what makes this one the center of your attention?
April: It might be Miss M's once thought deceased baby girl.
Megan Fox: Really? That is fascinating. I'll tell ya what, I will help you. But if this story is true, you help me get an interview with Miss M and the child. World's most hated woman reunites with child once believed dead. That is weird enough for a ratings boost.
April: Normally I'd tell you to sit on a cactuar, but I need the help. We have a deal.

Back in space with only 5 minutes left until detonation...

Miss M: I can't believe we are going to die again. I don't think there's any coming back a second time.
Ed: This go around will be better than before. I'd rather die in space with you than be trampled by Twilight loving tweens.

Miss M: Yeah. That makes sense. Crap. How is it that this is my life?
Ed: What do you mean?
Miss M: I am in space with the body of a super natural man I thought I was going to marry. I should already be married with kids. A nice family doing nice boring things. But no. I am in space. About to die in a fiery space ship explosion. In a super hero suit.

Ed: I dunno M. This isn't exactly where I thought my life would be either, but as much as it sucks that we are going to die, this is better than where I have been. For what it is worth though, I think you would have made a great mom.

Miss M: Thank you Ed. That is so sweet. (pauses) Damn it! That's right! My daughter might be alive! Bruce told me that at the wedding. Oh my goodness. Yvie might be alive and I won't get to find out.

Ed: You think he was being serious?
Miss M: Yes. He would not lie about that. We went through so much after losing her.

Ed: M, do you still love him?
Miss M: I...

Suddenly they are interrupted by the ship's speaker system announcing a foreign entity is invading the ship. The countdown still goes on.
 

Miss M: Now what?! Who could be on this ship?
Ed: Do you have it in you for another fight?
Miss M: I mean yeah, depending on what we are up against.

Miss M: (stands back as she hears a loud noise approaching them) Ed, be ready.
Ed: I'm ready M. I just want to tell you something though...
Miss M: (gasps) What in the world?!

A mysterious looking group stands before them.

Jenny: They look strange.
Bucky: Strange indeed. It looks like Burnheart has been killed though. Maybe these two could be our new friends. (whispers) We will need them. (speaks loudly) Deadeye Daffy, prepare to get us out of here.

Deadeye Daffy: Times almost up folks! We'll be outta here in a jiffy!
 

Bucky: (looks at Miss M and Ed) So here's the deal. We're just a couple of assholes in space, but if you come with us, we'll probably get you out of here alive. Sound cool?

Ed: Umm, M? A green rabbit is our only choice.

Miss M: I know. I guess we just follow the assholes in space. What could go wrong?

Up next!

Stuff goes wrong.