Dear Diary,
Oh. My. Gawd. I've stepped into this creepy fun spooky wonderland. Dino Drac lives in this really cool kingdom of relics from yesteryear. I was thinking his castle would be more Midnight Castle, but it's got this really comfy vibe. Anyway, I'm taking a little break for a moment before I knock on the castle doors. Climbing up V. Price Peak has been a darn chore and I didn't bring any snacks, so I'm a little worn out. But it's time, it's finally time!
-Miss M
Pumpkin Head: (Makes cooing clicking sounds)
Miss M: I mean, what even is this magical world? That statue looks like the imposter Count Chocula president from a few years ago! I bet he keeps this stuff out year round.
Miss M: Oh and the mini moat! I heard rumors that he found some piranhas from the set of the original Piranha movie and has them swimming in there.
Miss M: That might be the first thing I do in the interview, just list all the kooky rumors that people have floated out about Dino Drac and see what is fact or fiction. Or would that be too cliche? I really just wanna know what snacks he is eating right now. And if he has any to share. Heaven help me I am famished.
Miss M: Gosh, I just want to look at everything. And this is just the outside! Oh yeah, I should probably announce myself. Hello? Mr. Dino Drac? (looks around) I don't really see a doorbell. Do I dare cross the moat? (pauses) Maybe not.
Miss M: Surely there must be a doorbell. Or like a knocker thing. Gosh, I don't even know how castles work! (calls out loudly) Is anyone home?
Miss M: (continues calling out) Hello? I want to be polite and knock, but where do I do that? Mr. Dino Drac? If you can hear me, my name is Miss M. I'm really nice, even though I just showed up unannounced.
Miss M: I'm a toy journalist, I trekked up the mountain to see if I could interview you.
Miss M: I know this is sudden, but I have been trying to contact you. I've been on quite a journey.
Miss M: Oh, what do we have here? Looks like a party. Are you going to get Dino Drac Pumpkin Head?
Miss M: Is he in there? (cautious) Do I go in there?
Miss M: (skeptical) Hmm. I dunno. (hears creepy noises and howls from inside) Maybe I just wait out here.
???: No need to worry, those noises are from themed decorations, most likely activated by Halloween.
Miss M: (screams) Oh my goodness! It's Halloween already? How long was I walking up this mountain?
???: No, we're still in summer. Halloween is my cat. Oh, and hi. I'm Dino Drac, but you can call me Mr. M.
Miss M: Oh wow. I was not expecting this. You really did lose your skin and organs from eating an old box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios in a fit of nostalgia rage huh?
Mr. M: What? Oh no, this is technically not me. This skeleton acts as my own ring camera. I'm talking to you through it. There's a little microphone in one of the teeth and cameras in each eye socket. I'm actually at the Midnight Flea Market at the Conference of Evil.
Mr. M: And you are, Miss M? You were talking pretty loudly to yourself.
Miss M: Yes. I'm Miss M. I'm a toy journalist. For Diary of a Dorkette.
Miss M: Yes. You've been a difficult man to reach. I wouldn't normally just show up like this, but in fairness, I did email you a lot.
Miss M: (gasps) So who the heck was that in my house?
Mr. M: I have no clue. I do appreciate that you tried to find some Pizzarias for me though. Sounds like you really want to interview me, but, you haven't really explained why?
Miss M: Well, that's where I guess I should start off by apologizing up front.
Mr. M: That's funny, I've heard of the Bloglin Awards, but I didn't realize this was their last year. And if memory serves the window to submit something for a nomination is closed by now. Why still come here? This feral cat would really like to know. I actually would too. (pauses) Do those lights still work on the ghost?
Miss M: This will sound weird, but, I feel like in another world, you and I are friends. I've followed your work for some time and I just think you are so cool. This started out as an opportunity that I felt rushed to jump on, but when it all went up in smoke, I still had to come here. To meet you. And admittedly see if you had any snacks. I've never really hiked up a mountain before and, well, I could eat. But, regardless of all that, I had to at least try to meet you. One, to apologize. I never should have gotten so wrapped up in fortune and glory like I did. But two, engaging in a conversation with you sounded like a lot of fun.
Mr. M: I do have a lot of snacks. Snacks I have preserved and snacks that are safe for consumption. I also wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You seem like a nice person.
Mr. M: Bloglin Award. I can't get over that name. Ok, I'm curious, what's so important about a Bloglin for you?
Miss M: I started to get a taste for what it might be like to have my peers see me as an equal. To be celebrated. Sort of like, hey, you do some great work gal. You can sit at the table with us. I'd make friends. And I'd get to wear a fancy gown and maybe win. It was all so intoxicating. But I lost sight of who I was. I I mean, I have really become a monster in these last few months. My relationship has suffered. Found myself this-close to being sprayed by a skunk man. Nearly got arrested for criminal mischief. I just got in over my head. And by that point, it felt like I had to come up here. You became this mythical mystery man of nostalgia that I had to make sure was real.
Miss M: What kind of interview did I have in mind? I am so glad you asked, because I have been keeping this to myself and just bursting to tell someone. Ok. So picture it. The vibe is like one of those old school Barbara Walters interviews. There'd be a camera crew and everything. I'd be dressed up in a Barbie Day-to-Night outfit, but the day outfit. And you'd come out in a Pee-wee Herman suit that you'd proudly explain came from the set of Pee-wee's Playhouse. And then you'd magically step out from behind the suit in just a normal tee and jeans. I'd be razzled and dazzled.
Mr. M: Ok, I'm getting the vision. Go on.
Miss M: Well yeah, so we'd sit down in one of your rooms surrounded by amazing artifacts you've found over the years. I'd fire off a series of questions, trying to learn who the man behind the glow in the dark skeleton really is. Ya know, like, how devastating it must have been to have Greta the girl Gremlin leave you for a man she met in a restroom at Clamp Tower.
Miss M: And then to wrap up the event, we'd turn on every singing and noise making Halloween decoration you have, and guest stars would roll out like the Popples, McChangeables, and Spectra to name just a few, and we'd have this spooky fun dance party where we'd wave goodbye and people watching would wonder what the heck they just saw and maybe there wouldn't be anyone watching, and the camera crew would just be figments of our imagination but it'd be real to us because we were there, having the time of our lives.
Mr. M: Wow.
Mr. M: Some interview.
Miss M: But, I have kept you away from your flea marketing. I should probably find my way off this mountain.
Miss M: Oh?
Mr. M: I'm really glad we got to meet.
Mr. M: So Miss M, maybe one day our paths will cross again.
Mr. M: Until then!
Mr. M: (walks away in conversation at the flea market through speaker) Yes, ask him if they have anymore in the back. It's pretty rare to find a Dracula in this condition.
Miss M: Holy moly. I got to talk to Dino Drac through his home security skeleton.
Mr. M: Yes J, I'm about to log off now, I just need to get to the charger. (pauses) No, I won't repeat that in Arnold's voice.
Mr. M: You won't believe who I was just talking to. Remember that blog a few years back that wrote that piece on the best 40 Happy Meal toys for the Happy Meal's 40th Anniversary? I just met the writer. (pauses) Yeah. She showed up to the house.
Mr. M: Yes! That is perfect. Check out his silly little face. I'll take three. And throw in those empty bags of Pizzarias... (Mr. M logs off from the security system monitor)
Miss M: Ok. Hmm. Now, I just need to find my way back home.
Jason: Look, you just went through something serious. You killed a man. And not just any man, one of Big Boy's underlings. I'm not going to double cross you. I will dump this body in the water and be done with it. You should go home and try to get some rest.
Glo: I'm staying. I helped you stuff him in that chest. I cracked his head with a lead pipe in the ballroom. I'm not arguing with you.
Jason: Fine. Come on, let's push this thing.
Glo: What's with that thing he was doing? With his eyes? It's like he put us both in a trance.
Jason: Hey, what do you mean by that?
Jason: How do you know all that?
Glo: There are a lot of awful things in this world that people don't see. All manner of unexplained events that happen out of the corner of people's eyes. I know this because I have a history of fighting the terrible things that lurk in the shadows.
Glo: (gasps) Now it is all making sense. What do you know of Lana? What's her story?
Jason: I don't know much. She's just some old showgirl that was a big deal in Vegas some time ago before landing a spot here trying to relive her old glory days.
Jason: Missed what? Glo, what the hell are you talking about.
Miss M: I mean, I guess the way to go is from where I came. But maybe, just maybe, Pumpkin Head will return with a chip and some dip or something. (pauses) What are you doing here?
Miss M: Vash? Wait, is this real or a hallucination?
Miss M: I don't understand? You followed me up here?
Vash: Yes. (lies) I was on my way to your apartment when I saw you leaving, I tried to catch you but you were so quick. When I saw you heading here, I figured it was for the interview. Were you able to talk with Dino Drac? Did he let you into the castle?
Miss M: (shakes head) No. I talked to him through his security camera. It was more of a fun conversation and far from true blue interview. He isn't even here.
Vash: Oh far from it. I just spoke to the voting academy, and they said they would grant you some extra time for your submission. This is truly the time to strike while the iron is hot.
Miss M: What is up with you? Why are you suddenly so determined for this to happen? And another thing, I've had a few different people share with me their surprise that this is the last year for the Bloglins. And when I did a search online, no one is addressing this in the news. That's so weird.
Vash: What do you want me to say? Fine. The Bloglins are not ending this year. They have no plans to end their awards ceremony.
Miss M: Oh my gawd. I don't know how I didn't catch on sooner. This isn't about me is it? This is about you. What's in all this for you? You've been the one pushing me so hard to interview him. In fact, Dino Drac told me he wasn't even aware of other people trying to interview him. For months you've been going on and on about how I have to hurry before someone else gets the scoop. Did the Bloglin voting academy even want me to be nominated?
Vash: Oh I can't take this anymore. You are the most insufferable person I know. Fine. There was never going to be a nomination. The voting academy has no idea who you are. I mean I can't believe you were thinking they did this whole time. I truly believed you would catch on, because why would they want to nominate you for anything? There is nothing special about you. No high art. You bring nothing to culture and can't even deliver a proper think piece. Bloglins are the highest form of flattery for bloggers, and that is a club you will never belong to. The voting members who are actually aware of you, they laugh at you. You're a joke to them. They have no interest in sharing a conversation or space with you.
Miss M: (shakes head) I don't need this. I'm out of here. Screw you Vash.
Miss M: You need my help? What for? To humiliate me? Is that what this has been? Oh, let's dangle a carrot in front of the dumb dork girl and see how desperate she can be? I can't believe I tried to believe you.
Vash: That was to help prevent a civil war on a highly volatile planet. I did what I had to do, much like now. I came up with this plan because I needed you to get inside of this castle. I figured as weird as Dino Drac has been rumored to be, he'd be willing to entertain the weirdness that is you. M, I sit on the board of the Center for Intergalactic Pop Archaeologic Culture, and I have been searching the universe for the right item. One which I know Dino Drac possesses. I need that item. I reached out to him numerous times to offer a price, but he ignored my emails.
Miss M delivers a soap worthy slap that echoes across the mountain.
Vash: Ok, what the hell?!
Miss M: And this...
Miss M:...is for stealing my Spectra collection! Frickin Vash!
Vash fights back!
The two tumble to the ground, dangerously close to the edge: the edge of madness!
Both scream and curse each other as they roll into a flurry with slaps and punches followed with knees to the stomach.
Screams echo as they roll down the mountain!
The mountain slowly begins to tremble as if the gods themselves were at war.
Huffing and puffing with scraped knees the two women yell louder with each hit.
Miss M: Ready to give up? You better! Because I won't let you take one step into Dino Drac's home. You got that?
Vash: Don't threaten me! I will do what I need to do! I always do! (chokes Miss M)
Vash: Since you're so hungry for a snack, here, have some rock!
Miss M: You might be kicking me when my blood sugar is low, but I will stop you from doing what you do!
Vash: And what is that? What is it you think I do?
Vash: The only thing pathetic is you thinking you could ever be worthy of an award.
Vash: Ahh! Are you crazy?! You'll get us killed!
They both hit the ground hard.
Their heads ring!
Vash: I gotta hand it to you, you're pretty tough.
Miss M: So are you. I see marrying that rich old man hasn't fully put you into the soft life. I liked it when you were dating that bald guy though. He at least was a good influence on your frickin thievery! Oh who am I saying, a leopard doesn't change her spots.
Vash: No, they sure don't. I know you look at me and see some renegade thief ready to steal all the precious items I can for a quick buck. But there are circumstances that call for these behaviors. You don't understand.
Miss M: You expect me to believe that?
Vash: I don't really care what you believe. Think of me as a villain or thief. Annoying next generation side character. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. Yes, my ways might be problematic. But they serve a bigger cause.
Miss M: (rolls eyes) You could have been honest with me Vash. If what you are saying is true, we could have approached this whole thing differently. Without resorting to stealing. I'm sure Dino Drac would have helped us. You didn't have to trick me like that.
They stare at a mysterious orb.
Vash: (picks up the orb) I don't really care where it came from. This might be exactly what I need.
Vash: I think not. This might be the key. Funny how the universe works.
Vash: For what it's worth, I am sorry for lying to you M. Maybe in another world you'd have more than enough fortune and glory. Bloglin awards out of your wazoo and everything.
Miss M: I mean, in all honesty...
Miss M: Wait! Vash! No!
Casey looks out across the city skyline in the attic of his posh town home he shares with April.
He hears the sounds of footsteps approaching.
April: What on Earth are you doing up here?
Casey: Best view of the city. Glad you're back babe.
April: The best view is from the attic huh? Oh Casey. I love you.
Casey: Is that so? Why do I get the feeling there's a little more to it?
April: Casey. I am maybe no longer angry at her, but I do not miss our friendship.
Casey: Babe, she wasn't doing it maliciously. It was a poor choice, but she was trying to respect your dad's wishes.
April: I don't care Casey. Her loyalty needed to be to me. Period. End of story.
Miss M: So. Life really is just a series of messes. (pauses) I know Godzilla. I can't feel sorry for myself. I need to just get up and get a snack. And hope Vash knows what she's doing with that spirit orb. (pauses) I know, I know. She's not my problem. But Godzilla, when does it ever stop? The problems I mean. (pauses) Well that answer blows. Ok, let's find food. This has been a frickin day. And night.
Pumpkin Head: Click click.
Footloose: Dino Drac is closer than you think! Closer than you think!
Miss M: Oh. That's so cool. You really do have everything.
Mr. M: And you came to interview me? All this way?
Mr. M: Yeah my email is tricky. The 'o' in Dino is actually a zero. I was typing too fast when I created the email and just never updated it.
Miss M: That suddenly makes a lot of sense for the lack of replies. Well, after all the emails, I got word from your friend or partner in grime Slop, who told me if I could find a bag of Pizzarias for you, that it would be an act of good faith that I was legit. It's been quite the ordeal. I'm actually banned from purchasing Keebler products as a result.
Mr. M: Slop? I'm sorry, but I don't know a Slop. I know a cool piece of Sludge from New Jersey, but I don't know anyone named Slop.
Mr. M: Interesting. You strike me as someone who lives in a soap opera.
Miss M: You could say that. Some number of months ago I ran into an old friend. Well, she's more like a frenemy, but that's a whole other story. She's a member of the voting academy for the Bloglin Awards. She mentioned this was the final year and that the academy of voters was hoping I'd submit something truly epic so that they could finally give me a nomination, and potential win. Then she went on to tell me how a lot of bloggers were trying to interview you, because that would all but seal a nom. So, I began this whole adventure with delusions of grandeur, but really found myself wanting to interview you regardless.
Mr. M: If I'm understanding, you wanted to nab an interview for a potential award? Or at least a nomination. For a Bloglin. Are you sure it's not Boglin? Awards for Boglins would be really nice.
Miss M: Agreed. But yes, I started this with not so noble intentions.
Miss M: Huh?
Mr. M: Apologies, I'm knee deep at an old Halloween booth at this market. Ok, back to the question at hand.
Miss M: That's a good question. I've never really fancied myself trying to win awards. But when this person from my past gave me these details, suddenly there were possibilities, ya know?
Mr. M: I got ya. I'm very real, I promise. Even if you're talking to an animatronic glow in the dark skeleton that also doubles as my home security system. I'll have to be logging off in a bit because I am spying some delightful blow molds that I must scoop up before someone else does, I do have another question to ask. If all had fallen into place, what kind of interview did you have in mind with me?
Mr. M: I think I'd be razzled and dazzled too.
Miss M: And then what would transpire next would be an interview that would be part 20/20 special and then somehow turn into an eclectic variety show.
Mr. M: That one stung, but she did me a favor because I got to share some "Chocolate Moose" with Marla Bloodstone at a quaint Canadian restaurant.
Miss M: See! It'd be an on-the-edge of your seat interview. I'd even ask some random question with the sole purpose of aiming for that dramatic will-he or won't-he cry, and then we'd just laugh and cackle as we playfully knocked off tv interviews. You'd then give me a tour of the castle. We'd look at all the items you've rescued from the annals of time. I would naturally have a wardrobe change into the night version of Barbie's Day to Night ensemble.
Mr. M: Naturally.
Miss M: Then, we'd step out on a patio for snacks.
Mr. M: What would the snacks be?
Miss M: Oh, they'd be McNuggets. Homemade Pizzarias since those frickin Elves refuse to bring them back. Bugles. Bubble gum ice cream. Incrediberry Kool-Aid. I personally would make sure the budget covered various Kool-Aid flavors. The Nestle Alpine White commercial would be playing in the background. It'd be all the things that make life worth living. And in that moment, as we'd be eating snacks and talking about all the random items that bring us joy in the world, the sun would shine just a little too bright, and you'd whip out a pair of sunglasses that would be from Hollywood, the Hollywood from Mannequin, and it would just be one of those iconic moments in toy interview history. You'd then go into the history of the sunglasses, and well, the whole thing would just be so surreal.
Miss M: Yeah. I'd like to think so.
Mr. M: Yeah, I do need to go, but whatever this was, I enjoyed it. Oh, and for what it's worth, I don't think I would have entertained most people looking to interview me for a chance at an award, but, if I had been here, I would have gladly helped you try to get a Bloglin. There'd be a catch though.
Mr. M: Yes. If you had gotten nominated, we absolutely would have to attend the awards ceremony together. Donning spectacular outfits, ideally a cape for me and something ravishing for you and requesting a row of seats all to ourselves where our guests would be random Happy Meal toys and our favorite Halloween decorations. Afterwards we'd celebrate with Happy Meals and champagne. Which would just be soda, but it would be a splendid evening.
Miss M: (smiles) It sounds perfect.
Miss M: Yes Mr. M, perhaps.
Miss M: Until then.
Mr. M: Yeah, she's pretty cool. A bit of a mess, but in a charming way.
Across town, at the piers.
Jason: You can go, I can take it from here.
Glo: I killed him, so I should stay.
Jason: Don't trust me?
Glo: What is with you? You've been a complete jerk to me for months. Why would I trust you? I'm making sure you push this chest in the water.
Splash!
Glo: What happens if someone finds him?
Jason: If they find him, they'll also find plenty of other secrets that will keep the cops busy for some time.
Jason: I don't know how he learned that or if it's a gift or super human ability. But it's always been used to harm people. Steal from banks. You name it. I'm sorry for what he almost did to you.
Glo: You don't need to apologize. And what you think he was going to do to me, that was only a fraction of something much worse. (begins to walk away)
Glo: Nothing.
Jason: It must be something. What do you mean?
Glo: There are terrifying people in this world Jason. I've dealt with quite a few. But what I saw when I looked into Influence's eyes tonight... This wasn't some man just trying to have his way with me. He was going to mentally enslave me as his pet. To do whatever bidding he'd like.
Jason: So you're a singer but also Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something?
Glo: I'm much more.
Glo: Interesting. (sighs to self) I don't know how I missed this.
Glo walks off in a daze.
Jason: Man, what the hell is going on here?
Back to V. Price Peak...
Vash: I am very real M.
Miss M: Were you real when I saw you on the mountain earlier?
Vash: (reluctant) Yes.
Vash: Oh he's not? Interesting. Have you looked around the castle grounds? Perhaps we could wait inside for his return?
Miss M: Uhh, I don't think so. That sounds like a terrible idea.
Miss M: Vash, that doesn't seem fair. The window closed already. Special treatment being given to me and not everyone else is not ok. If I get nominated it needs to be fair. Fair is fair.
Vash: M, don't you want to win this award? We must interview Dino Drac. I really need to get into his castle.
Vash: Oh M, the heyday of blogging is behind us. The news isn't going to make a fuss about some silly awards show shuttering. Come on now.
Miss M: (pauses) If it's some silly awards show, why are you pressing so hard for me to get nominated?
Vash: Wait, M. Please, don't go. I need your help.
Vash: M, you seriously believed that you could be nominated? That you'd be deserving of something that renowned?
Miss M: So why? Why do this to me? Haven't you already done enough when you stole my Spectra doll collection?
Miss M: You were supposed to be typing a zero instead of the 'o' for his email address but whatever. You wanted to use me to steal from a man that brings so much joy to people with all his knick knacks and ephemera?
Vash: Yes. I was using you this whole time so I could get my hands on his collection.
Miss M: You twisted bitch.
Miss M: That was for using me.
Vash: Ahh!
Miss M: Bleh! Yuck!
Vash: Ahh!
Miss M: Steal! You are constantly finding the next best item to steal for a profit. It's pathetic!
Miss M: Let's fly! (M kicks them both off the rocky ledge)
Miss M: I've already died once, let's go for round two!
Vash: Ow! (kicks M off her)
Miss M: (cries out) What are we doing!? This is crazy. We just fought our way down a frickin mountain.
Vash: Truce?
Miss M: For now.
Miss M: So tell me! Instead of all these cruel tricks and lies, why don't you just be honest for once Vash?
Vash: Fine. I will. There's a threat out there M. A threat that is growing by the day. I see what is coming, and it is not good. So, the item I was going to steal from Dino Drac was going to help prevent a universal catastrophe.
Miss M: Yes, the cause being you.
Vash: Not always. And I won't apologize for who I am, because it's gotten me where I am.
Vash: You just don't understand. The thing I needed from him, was something he'd never part with. Wait. What is that?
Vash: Fascinating.
Miss M: That looks like a spirit orb. I wonder where it came from?
Reality begins to reverberate.
Miss M: Vash! Put that down.
Miss M: That sounds like it would hurt. A lot. I think I'm good. But seriously, let's maybe leave the spirit orb alone?
Vash: Why? What's the worst that could happen? I turn into a werewolf or something?
Vash: Maybe one day M. One day, we might be able to figure out a proper friendship. But for now, we'll at least have the scrapes and memories.
Vash beams up and away in a flash of light.
Miss M: What even is this life?
New York.
Casey: Love you too. How was the Conference of Evil? Still in some cosplay I see.
April: Yeah. They had this Midnight Flea Market every night and I had to pick up this look. It's very Sorceress.
Casey: I see that. Wait, is the conference over?
April: No, but all the news worthy events are done for, so I headed out early. Wanted to be home to see you.
April: There might be. I thought I saw M.
Casey: Oh really?
April: Yeah. You know, she'd normally be there every year covering for the blog. I thought I saw her, but it wasn't her. And then I just kinda kept thinking I'd run into her.
Casey: What's that about? Missing her?
Casey: You two were like sisters. Thick as thieves. You mean to tell me you don't miss that? Even a little bit?
April: It's hard to miss that when I know she knew my father was alive and kept it from me.
April: I've worked through my anger. I don't know that things can ever be the same, but I do think about her. Wonder what she is up to.
Casey: You could always call her. A phone call doesn't mean everything has to return to the way it was.
April: Maybe. I'll think about it. (looks out across the city skyline) Wow. You are right. This is a pretty darn good view.
Casey: See, told ya so.
Back on V. Price Peak.
Up Next! Mila gets a surprise visit! Big Boy begins therapy?! And will there be romance in the air for Miss M? Find out soon!
Like the previous posts on this blog, it is with great sadness that the blogging community lost William Bruce West this year. My heart goes out to his family, including his wife Lindsay and two daughters. Will contributed so much to the toy/comics/pop culture blogging and podcast community. His opinions on pop culture are the stuff of legend. Please check out the West Family GoFundMe and consider donating, they need our support more than ever. If you can't donate, please spread the word. West Family GoFundMe
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