August 2013 Woman of Wonderosity!

Time for an all new Woman of Wonderosity!

And...

Find out why the person who hates Miss M the most wants her gone for good!

April: M! M! Where are you? Can you hear me? Where the hell is my buzzer?

Miss M: Hey April. I'm here. Where's your assistant at?

April: Oh I don't know. My damn Guy Friday left his desk. How am I supposed to get anything done if no one is out front? I'm tryin' to run a business here! Anyways, how is my favorite journalist doing?

Miss M: April, you are your own favorite journalist. But I am doing fine.

April: Good. Who do we have on tap for the August Woman of Wonderosity?

Miss M: I have no clue. I've been trying to hunt down Jean Grey for an interview, but she is nowhere to be found.

April: Fine. I have someone else for you. I'm sending you on a mission to interview Daisy.

Miss M: Like Daisy Duke?

April: No. Princess Daisy.

Miss M: I have to go to Sarasaland? That is so far!

April: Deal with it M. It's an all expense paid trip. By you of course. (sighs) Don't give me that look M. Princess Daisy won't stop bugging me about being interviewed. She insists she will give up all the dirt, so it should be a good interview. (leans in) And I mean all the dirt. We're talking romance, political scandals, and much more. She is finally ready to tell all.

Miss M: All right. Guess I am off to Sarasaland. Oh by the way, there's a letter here for you. It's from Casey Jones.

April: Enough with the Casey Jones! You have got to stop calling him by his last name! We all know who Casey is.

Miss M: Yes we sure do. He is the love of your life and you need to stop acting stupid. Read the letter April. Just give him a chance.

April: Oh leave me alone! Go do your job. And if you see my Guy Friday on your way out, tell him I am this-close to firing his ass.

Miss M: No you aren't.

April: Just go!

 

Miss M leaves as April opens up the letter. Reading it carefully, April feels a familiar flutter in her heart and a single tear fall down her cheek.

April: (folds the letter up while looking off in the distance) Damn you Casey. Why do I have to love you so?

 

August 2013 Woman of Wonderosity

Daisy: Well it is about time you show up!

Miss M: I am so sorry, it just takes some time to travel here.

Daisy: Well come on! I've got everything set up. We're going to sit out by the pool. I've had some tasty treats and drinks catered for the event. Do you like vodka in your slush?

Miss M: Um, no. I'm fine.

Daisy: Suit yourself. Where do you wanna start?

Miss M: How about you start with your heart. Word on the street is that you have been leading Luigi and Waluigi on for some time. Does that ever get old?

Daisy: Oh no. There's nothing more thrilling than having two men fight over you. Especially when one is bat shit crazy. Come on, I'll tell you all about my romantic encounters with Luigi and Waluigi...

 

Meanwhile in a top secret location...

Skeletor: Why are we meeting here? Snake Mountain is just as good a place as any...

Velvet Sky: Maybe so, but you have too many henchmen under foot. I don't want word getting out. Now, how are we going to kill Miss M?

Skeletor: Are you still on that?

Velvet Sky: Of course I am! And since your feeble Masters of Evil have all but given up, I need you more than ever.

Skeletor: Yes, well, everyone else seems to have their heads on straight. Killing this dorkette girl is becoming more trouble than it is worth. I could have already taken over Grayskull 13 times over by now.

Velvet Sky: Stop telling lies. Now listen, we need to come up with a better plan. I nearly had her at the cemetery recently, but her stupid friend got in the way.

Skeletor: Well what are you suggesting we do?

Velvet Sky: I'm not sure, but I have an idea. Hear me out...

 

Back to the interview at Sarasaland...

Dairy: ...and that's when I realized I couldn't sleep with them both. It just wouldn't be fair. And I'd look trashy. So I just keep making them wait until I have figured out who I truly love. Honestly, I think I just want to be alone though. I have my own kingdom, away from all the hustle and bustle. Luigi visits sometimes...

Miss M: I don't think I can ever look at Luigi the same now.

Dairy: I guess so.

Miss M: Let's talk ruling kingdoms. There were reports that you were the intended ruler for the Mushroom Kingdom. How is it that Princess Peach became the ruler instead?

Daisy: Just the mere mention of that tart Peach is enough to make me so angry. Let me tell you the truth about her. I was intended to be the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, but I was ousted. Peach ain't nothin' but a cheat. Sit closely on this one M, the political scandal surrounding the Mushroom Kingdom will make your jaw drop...

 

Meanwhile, back to the top secret location...

 

Skeletor: This just all seems so complicated. I like your ideas for ridding the universe of Miss M, but I just don't understand why all the plotting over this dorkette girl. She seems so insignificant.

Velvet Sky: Well you don't need to worry about that. You're going to get what you want out of all this. With Miss M gone all the secret information about every heroic person will be accessible from that pathetic blog she calls a Diary. Just think, with her gone, you will find out all the information you ever wanted to know on heroes like He-Man and She-Ra. The X-Men. Even the Justice League. It will all be yours since the rest of the Masters of Evil disbanded from this project.

 

Skeletor: This information you speak of does sound thrilling, but again, why all this trouble Velvet Sky? You seem like a strong woman, why do you care if this pasty sickly dork girl even exists? What could she have possibly done to incur such wrath?

Velvet Sky: She's done everything. That dorkette girl took everything from me. I almost had it all. The year was 2011 and September was nearly over. I was preparing for the wrestling match of my life...

 

Flashback: September 2011

Velvet Sky: You can do this. This match is like all the other matches you've been in. No one is going to get in your way. Winning is the only option, for once I have won, the victories will come in swift and fast: the fashion deal with Juicy Couture to design a line of lingerie inspired work-out wear, the chain of tattoo parlors, and a reality show... all of it will finally come to pass!

 

Velvet Sky gets a visitor in the dressing room.

Eve: Hey Sky. Ready for your match? The crowd seems to be getting louder and louder.

Velvet Sky: I know, I can hear them from here.

Eve: Either way, I wanted to wish you luck. No one deserves this more than you.

Velvet Sky: Thanks Eve. That means a lot.

 

Another friend enters the dressing room: Alicia Fox!

Alicia Fox: I don't know about all this Sky. The crowd is getting worked up into a frenzy by Gail Kim.

Velvet Sky: I'm not worried about Gail. She always has some sort of gimmick to try and psych everyone with. There is nothing she can do to disrupt my game. I'm going out there to win.

Alicia Fox: I know, but before you do, I think you should be aware of something. Gail is fighting dirty. She stumbled upon some blog written by this odd dorky girl. Apparently the dorky girl wrote some feature on you debating whether you were Trashy or Timeless.

Velvet Sky: What? Who would do something like that? I don't even know this dork girl. Well, what's the verdict? Does she say I'm trashy or timeless?

Eve: What does it matter Sky?

Velvet Sky: It matters to me Eve! I wanna know, what did this chick say?

Alicia Fox: (hangs her head) She says your trashy Sky.

Velvet Sky: Why? I don't understand.

Alicia Fox: According to her she feels that if you can have all this detail surrounding how you look, she doesn't understand why your hair has to look so bad.

Velvet Sky: That bitch!

 

Just then, a third person enters the dressing room, Velvet Sky's arch nemesis: Gail Kim!

 

Gail Kim: Stop! Hold it right there. The look on your face is priceless.

Velvet Sky: What do you want Gail?

Gail Kim: I wanted to see first hand the face of pure trash. Oh I think I just found my favorite spot on the Internet. This Diary of a Dorkette is hilarious. That Miss M girl had the funniest stuff to say! You should really read it.

Velvet Sky: You should spend more time preparing to get beat in the ring than reading stupid blogs on the Internet.

 

Gail Kim: Oh, I'm ready for the ring. The real question is, are you? Thanks to my snooping on the Internet, I've now worked the crowd up real good. Everyone is pulling out their iPhones, tablets, and Androids to look up this piece on you. If you stay real quiet, you can hear the crowd chanting 'TRASHY.' Go ahead, listen carefully.

Velvet Sky: (listens to the chanting) I'm gonna win this match, and when I do I will crack egg all over your face!

 

Gail Kim raises her fist up, punching Velvet Sky in the face.

 

Gail Kim: Looks like fist is worse than egg. Hm?

 

Gail Kim: (walks away) See ya in the ring Velvet Sky. That is, if you can get up. Ha. Haha. Hahahaha.

Eve: Oh shit! Sky, are you ok?

Alicia Fox: Sky, can you hear us?

 

Back to the present...

Velvet Sky: Don't you see? I wasn't ok! That stunt that Gail pulled messed my mind up something fierce. I got out in that ring and all I could think about was what had been written about me by that damn Miss M. I lost the match. I lost the clothing deal with Juicy Couture and the lingerie work-out wear. The tattoo parlors went up in smoke and Bravo gave the reality show to Gail Kim. That f*cking Gail Kim!

Skeletor: That sucks.

Velvet Sky: Of course it sucks! Which is why Miss M must die. She has to pay for the things she did. So maybe I have too many plans in trying to stop her. Fine. Maybe we take a little break, but mark my words, when it's all said and done, I'm getting rid of her. Once and for all...

 

Back to the Woman of Wonderosity interview...

 

Daisy: ...so that's how Princess Peach became the ruler and ruthless real estate tycoon over Mushroom Kingdom. Don't let that damsel in constant kidnapped distress fool you, she knows exactly what she is doing. You should see what she charges for rent on those mushroom bungalows that the Smurfs live in. Poor things, they can't even afford a shirt to throw on their backs. Just terrible. Peach should be ashamed of herself.

Miss M: Wow. I had no idea. I've just been learning a great deal from you!

Daisy: Let's learn something about you now, yes? Did you know I am a palm reader?

Miss M: Oh, I had no idea.

Daisy: Here, give me your palm. I'll read your future.

Miss M: I dunno about this. Wait a minute, you look different all of a sudden. Did you put vodka in my slush?

Daisy: Maybe a little. Just trust me on the palm reading Miss M. You've allowed me the forum to share all about my life, let me repay you in some way.

Miss M: Ok.

 

Miss M hands her palm over...

Daisy: Oh my, this is an interesting reading. The first thing I'm getting is that you need to moisturize your hands more. They are soft, but they look like zombie hands. Hands are always the first to age. Of course after a certain age you just wear gloves like me and have nothing to worry about.

Miss M: Oh great. Yet another thing April can hold over my head.

Daisy: (pauses slightly as a strange look spreads across her face) Oh dear.

Miss M: That doesn't sound good. What's wrong?

Daisy: Well usually when I do this I can look far into the future of one's palm. Your future seems to end right about at the end of this year.

Miss M: What does that mean? I'm not gonna make it to 2014? Are you telling me that I'm going to die or something?

Daisy: (tries to hide her concern) No. This could mean anything actually. The end of one's palm is maybe a metaphor for another kind of ending. Maybe your blog will cease to exist? Or maybe you'll just be getting a new hairstyle? It's probably just the zombie hands, moisturize just a bit and maybe your lines will plump up again.

Miss M: I don't like this. Is there anything else you can read about my future?

Daisy: Well, I do read that between now and the end of the year you are going to share much fun and joy with the love of your life. The greatest love story ever told is going to occur for you.

Miss M: Really? Do you know who that love is?

Daisy: Well, no, but from the reading apparently you do.

Miss M: Oh I've got chills down my spine!

Daisy: It's the vodka slush dear. 

Miss M: Well, I feel like this has been a very interesting interview. I thank you for taking the time to talk to me Daisy.

Daisy: Oh my pleasure completely! I'm so thrilled that I will be a Woman of Wonderosity! Next time you visit, I will give you a better tour of Sarasaland. It's really a beautiful place.

Miss M: Yeah well, that's assuming I make it.

Daisy: Oh right. I'm sure your reading means nothing Miss M. Don't worry, what do I know, right?

Miss M: Yeah. Well, take care Princess Daisy.

Daisy: You too. (whispers to herself) Poor girl.

 

As Miss M walks away to her mode of transportation, she pulls out her cellular. Making a call to someone on her speed dial, she holds her breath that the call will be answered.

 

Miss M: (smiling as she hears a voice on the other side) Michelangelo? It's me, M. How are you? (pauses) I think I'm doing ok. Listen, are you free tonight? I need to talk to you. I think I'm ready for that date...

 

To be continued...

August 2013 Woman of Wonderosity