November 2013 Woman of Wonderosity!

Dear Diary,

Halloween has come and gone. My dog was murdered. Janine Melnitz was involved in some freak accident in the parking lot at April O'Neil's Halloween Party. Life has been pretty strange to say the least. I've been an emotional mess, but the interviews must go on! I wonder what April is up to? There was one good thing to come out of Halloween, April and Casey Jones did end up getting married. So there is always that.

-Miss M




Miss M: Hey April.

April: Oh sweetie. You look like hammered feces. How are you holding up?
Miss M: Well, I don't think I look that bad... But I have been pretty sad. I just can't get over someone killing my dog. I mean, what did little Luke Skywalker ever do to anyone?
April: Maybe someone out there hates dogs and Star Wars?

Miss M: Come on April, this isn't some episode of the Twilight Zone. This is real life. People don't hate Star Wars and dogs. It's either one or the other.

April: Um. Ok. I'm really sorry you lost him like that.
Miss M: (nodding silently) How is Janine?
April: Not so good. They shipped her to a special clinic in Switzerland. All the water and strange fish in her costume damaged her brain and she is still in a coma.
Miss M: Oh my goodness. Do the police have any idea who was behind this?

April: No. They are still leading an investigation. Poor thing. And we had finally found a way to put our bitter 80's rivalry behind us. Such a shame.
Miss M: Well, I guess it's good she is still alive. There's also the excitement of being a newlywed, again! What's it like being married to Casey Jones again?
April: (sighs) It's aight. (laughs) Actually I think marrying him a second time was the icing on the cake. The sex is just even better...
Miss M: (holds her hands to her ears) La la la la la. I am not hearing this...
April: Are you interested in interviewing someone new? I've got a princess for you.

Miss M: Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. Vanity Smurf keeps calling for an interview and I keep telling him that it isn't always about him.
April: No, I'm talking about a real princess. So I'll give you the address and you can get to the interview. Sound ok? If you are still distraught over the whole dog thing, I understand...

Miss M: Oh I'm fine. I am totally ready for an interview!

November 2013 Woman of Wonderosity

Miss M patiently waits for her rendezvous with this month's Woman of Wonderosity, and begins to wonder just where she could be.

Miss M: Oh wow! You're here! Finally!
Princess Peach: Hello Miss M! Don't you just love this bakery?

Miss M: Yeah. Maybe a little too much.

Princess Peach: Yes, one must be careful with what they put into their mouths. I remember this one time, Bowser wanted me to taste one of his...
Miss M: Umm, this is not one of those blogs Peach.

Princess Peach: I was only going to say he wanted me to have one of his spiked sandwiches. It was such a heavy meal I found myself unable to even hover in the air to make an escape.
Miss M: Well, let's get our treats, because there is a lot of stuff we need to catch up on!
Princess Peach: Yes, I agree. There is plenty to talk about. How have you been? I heard you were dating a turtle. I hope it isn't a Koopa.

Miss M: Nah. I'm dating a Ninja Turtle. Different species. I think.

The two women gather the items needed for their sustenance and soon make their way to the special spot set up for the rest of the interview!

Miss M: I hope this set up is to your liking.

Princess Peach: Of course it is! I may be a princess, but I'm not some stuffy tart.
Miss M: Yeah, about that. I recently interviewed Princess Daisy...

Princess Peach: Oh goodness. What did that buffoon say this time?
Miss M: A lot actually. She seemed to intimate that you were a ruthless tyrant of a princess, charging exorbitant rent on the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as possibly stealing the throne from Daisy herself.
Princess Peach: Oh my, she was flapping her gums wasn't she? 
Miss M: There seems to be some truth to it. I am friends with a few Smurfs, and their mushroom bungalows do cost a pretty penny.
Princess Peach: Look, it isn't cheap to live in the Mushroom Kingdom, ok? I'm just a princess. I have a plumber for a boyfriend, and he isn't exactly rolling in the dough. Running a kingdom is an expensive venture! Daisy, the poor dear, comes from old coins. I've had to reinvent the way in which I find money to keep the Mushroom Kingdom thriving.
Miss M: What have you been doing to keep the kingdom afloat?

Editor's note: Vintage photo of Peach from the early NES days

Princess Peach: Come on M. Must you really ask that? Every time I find myself kidnapped, Nintendo shells out a ton of money. Make no mistake, Mario and his brother may appear to be the stars of the show, but I'm the one collecting royalty checks. I'm the brains. Never discount the girl in the pink dress. I'm makin my coins.
Miss M: Well yeah, but do you ever get tired of always being the damsel in distress? Don't you enjoy the titles where you get to be the star? Or at the very least a playable character?
Princess Peach: Oh M. Come sit next to me and let me spin a little yarn for you. It's just easier to come onto set, film a few scenes shrieking and being carried around, and then letting the plumbers do all the work. I don't know about you, but I'd rather sit back and have the coins practically fall from the sky, than actually climb through pipes and fight off Bowser's bratty kids. My goodness, I've never seen so many divas in all my life.
Miss M: Wow. But I actually really enjoyed your solo outing from a few years ago. It was refreshing.

Princess Peach: For you I guess. Dorkettes everywhere loved that story, but I have never worked so hard in my life. In fact, that story nearly created a rift between Mario and me.
Miss M: How so?
Princess Peach: Mario finally saw the method to my madness. He liked the shorter screen work with being kidnapped. He was all set to switch roles permanently but I refused to entertain the thought. We got into a huge fight and we nearly broke up.
Miss M: Wow. I never knew things got so complicated behind the scenes.
Princess Peach: Yeah, so next time Daisy starts spouting off at the mouth, just remember that she lives alone on an island. She's a sad rag Princess in a dress the color of mustard. Eww.
Miss M: Ok. So, how are things with Mario now?
Princess Peach: Perfect! Our relationship couldn't be better. He's a great handyman and he cooks the yummiest Italian.
Miss M: That's nice. How come there has never been a wedding?
Princess Peach: Well not for trying, we just have never made it down the aisle. When we get married, we want it to be something special. And since we are firmly being controlled by Nintendo, we do not want our wedding to become a big screen event. We don't want there to be cameras or any gimmicks with Bowser crashing the place. It just hasn't been the right time. On a more excited note, we did recently get a pet dog! He is just the cutest thing! Yoshi was a little jealous at first, but our new pet dog is just the cutest thing ever.
Miss M: (looks sad) Oh. You have a pet dog? What's his name?

Princess Peach: We were originally going to name him something from Star Wars, but instead we went with Spock from Star Trek. Mario really loves space themed stories, from both sides of the nerdy aisle.
Miss M: (starts sobbing)
Princess Peach: Oh my. Dear, you are sobbing uncontrollably. You cry so ugly.
Miss M: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I am doing this. It's just that I recently lost my dog. He was... murdered!!! (Miss M keeps sobbing)
Princess Peach: Oh sweetness, do you want to talk about it?
Miss M: (nods) Sure.

Hours later...

Miss M: And that's how Luke knew that green light sabers were cool...

More Hours later...

Miss M: And I just have no idea why someone would want to kill him! That is such a terrible thing!

Even more hours later...

Miss M: So I'm thinking that I should maybe go into hiding? I feel like someone has been trying to kill me all year long...

Finally, having enough, Princess Peach screams.

Princess Peach: Enough! Enough! This interview was supposed to be about me! Not you and your silly dog problems. My goodness, what sort of reporter are you?! I'm sorry Miss M, but I am done for today. I bid you farewell. It's been real. If you don't mind, I will be taking these desserts with me. It's the least you can do.
Miss M: But I love cake.
Princess Peach: Learn how to interview people better. I bid you farewell!

Princess Peach leaves as Miss M heads back to the bakery. After purchasing some more treats, Miss M heads out and peers into the window one more time, making sure she got everything.

Miss M: I think I bought enough dessert. Yeah, I totally did.

Miss M turns to leave and soon bumps into someone.

Miss M: Oh!

Miss M and Velvet Sky both nearly fall over.

Velvet Sky: Oh hey, sorry about that.
Miss M: You don't have to apologize, I was busy getting distracted by all the treats in the window!
Velvet Sky: Hey, you look awfully familiar. Do we know each other?

Miss M: I don't think so, though for some strange reason I feel like we have crossed paths before... (Editor's note: they have crossed paths, numerous times! Poor Miss M can't remember though! Read here for more.)

Velvet Sky: Hi. I'm Velvet Sky. The wrestler.
Miss M: Oh I know you! Yes! I am very fond of your work.
Velvet Sky: Yes. And you are?

Miss M: I'm Miss M. I'm a reporter for Diary of a Dorkette.
Velvet Sky: Ah, yes. Now I know where you are from. You wrote an interesting article on me awhile back. Something about me being timeless or trashy?
Miss M: Oh goodness, yes. I do recall writing that. I am so sorry, I am sure you must think me rude for what I wrote. It was all in good fun though.
Velvet Sky: (lies) I was not offended at all. I thought it was funny.
Miss M: Oh good. I'm glad to hear that. Well, I'm sorry for bumping into you. I hope you have a nice day.
Velvet Sky: Yes, as do I.

Miss M gets ready to walk off, until Velvet Sky calls out to her real quick.

Velvet Sky: I don't mean to keep you, but I was wondering, what would it take to be interviewed by you? For the Diary?
Miss M: Oh, well it wouldn't take much at all. We're always looking for new interviews, and though we have November already set up, I could certainly see about interviewing you for December!
Velvet Sky: Please do. I'd love to sit down for a chat.

Miss M: Sure. We'll be in contact!
Velvet Sky: Lovely. Nice talking to you Miss M.
Miss M: You too!

Miss M leaves, as Velvet Sky stands alone.

Velvet Sky: How wonderful. The plan is finally falling into place. You stupid girl. Poor little dork girl. Well Miss M, let's see how you survive the end of the year. More will fall...

November 2013 Woman of Wonderosity!