February 2014 Heroic Hottie!

What crazed interview will occur behind the click? Will Mila cause any more embarrassment to April O'Neil's empire of journalistic integrity? Will the Heroic Hottie cause a public meltdown of hotness? (Goodness knows we need it with all this cold.) Strap on your feed bag and get ready for an all new Heroic Hottie!

Mila: What's up boss? You wanted to talk?

April: I told you not to call me boss. It sounds dated. I'm merely the one you report to. And I have something to report.
Mila: Kay. Sounds cool. What's the scoop?

April: I'm here to report that effective immediately, you are out of a job on Diary of a Dorkette.
Mila: (drops mouth open) Sha. Ya right. You can't fire me! My mother is a countess!
April: You're mother could be schtupping Count Chocula for all I care, you are fired.

Mila: But I don't, like, get it. What did I ever do to you?

April: You cost this blog its integrity! Our numbers were abysmal in the month of January. No one was reading. Our sponsors completely backed out from supporting us. I received tons of hate mail regarding your dismissive attitudes to our guests, and the good people of Swans Crossing are ashamed to live in their upper middle class suburb. This is not good. I'm sorry my annoying dear, but you are fired. Finished. You'll never work in this town again.
Mila: Like I even care! You're nothing but an old has-been trying to hold onto five minutes of fame from turtles that can't even ninja properly.
April: You make no sense. Now begone, before I release the hounds.

Mila: You wouldn't!

April: (slams hands on her desk) Try me!

Mila quickly leaves, vowing revenge.

Moments later, while still alone in her office...

April: Oh what am I going to do? What will I do?

Casey Jones, April's husband, walks in.

Casey: Hon? You are at work pretty late.

April: I know Casey. I've just had a really bad day. I had to fire that ingrate Mila. I now have no idea how Diary of a Dorkette is going to even stay afloat. I don't have anyone I can offer this job to. No one will probably even dare take it since Mila ruined everything. And that's not even the worst of it! I found out some shocking news today during lunch. Just... shocking.
Casey: (looks concerned) Oh no hon, what is it? Are you ok?

April: No. I'll never be ok. I just found out that I'm... that I'm... I'm immune to Botox. My face rejects Botox! Oh Casey, what am I going to do now? Who gets immune to a toxin? I just don't understand. My life feels at an end.

Casey: Hon, it's really not that big of a deal. I'll actually look forward to you expressing emotion again.
April: I feel like I am losing everything.
Casey: No April. The only thing you have lost is your dear friend.

April: (nods in agreement) You are right. I really miss Miss M. I have not been doing well with her being gone. She'd know exactly what to do at a time like this. She'd also know what to say about my Botox problem. Life just hasn't been the same with the dorkette gone.
Casey: Who do you think she'd be interviewing this month?
April: Oh I have no doubt in my mind she'd be delivering a top notch interview that would be superb...

February 2014 Heroic Hottie!

April: We'd get the big guns from G.I. Joe for this interview.

Casey: Wait, Mainframe is the big guns?
April: Eh. He'd be all we could afford. Let's listen in to what could have been...

Miss M: I thank you so much for taking the time out of saving the world with G.I. Joe to sit with me for Diary of a Dorkette. Now explain to me, what do I call you again?

Dataframe: I go by Dataframe now on account of some crazy legal issues, but I once went by the name Mainframe.
Miss M: Ok. I think I get that. It is very exciting that G.I. Joe, as a household name, just recently celebrated its 50th birthday! That is just amazing.
Dataframe: It really is Miss M. I am proud to be a part of a long line of real American heroes. I also look forward to seeing how Hasbro will be celebrating the G.I. Joe birthday.
Miss M: Now, share with us what it is that you exactly do.

Dataframe: I'm the Joe's computer specialist. My job seemed really cool and sci-fi back in the day, but now I'm really the one they call since Cobra likes starting wars online now. Ya know, cyber attacks and hacking. All that stuff.
Miss M: Oh wow. So you are like super smart. Do you happen to know how I can find out who unfollows me on Twitter?

Dataframe: Umm, my skill set is actually meant to handle other more important issues. Did you know though that Cobra was behind the recent security breaches with a certain famous store. Cobra had a real target on their backs.
Miss M: Really? I think I was put in harm's way with that security breach. Even though technically I'm dead right now and this is all in my friend April O'Neil's head.
Dataframe: Huh? I'm confused.
Miss M: So am I. All right, computers are your thing. Do you think that computers will one day take over the world?

Dataframe: Haven't they already? Trust me on this, computers have already wrapped us around their little keyboards.
Miss M: Oh my goodness, I am so scared right now. I've got chills. I'm not ready to become a computer's bee with an itch.
Dataframe: Well little lady, it is what it is...

Casey: Hey wait a minute April. This interview is kinda boring. I also think you are not capturing Miss M's voice right. She doesn't sound so nasally.
April: I can't help it Casey! I feel like I am starting to feel parts of my face I haven't felt in years.
Casey: Hon, I think what needs to happen is that I should be interviewed for the Heroic Hottie position.
April: Haven't we been over this before? You can't be a Heroic Hottie.
Casey: Why not?
April: You are sleeping with the editor in chief.
Casey: Hon, I'm married to the editor in chief. I don't think it would matter if you interviewed me. We've had good times haven't we? Who better to jump start this Diary again than me, your first and second husband.
April: I just think that is a bad idea. In fact, I think I just need to give up. I think it is time for the Diary to be shut down. It just can't ever be the same with Miss M gone. Everyone is just beside themselves.
Casey: I know. Poor Michelangelo keeps ordering those heart shaped pizzas from Antonio's and scarfing them down real fast. The way he just unhinges his jaw...
April: I can't hear anymore. I'm going to be sick. That does it. I'm done. I'm ending Diary of a Dorkette. I never should have continued this blog after Miss M's passing.

Casey: April, stop that this once. Miss M may be gone, but there are plenty of reasons to keep this Diary going. Miss M would have wanted it to. She can live on through your dedication to amazing interviews and all the toy gossip needed to make life extraordinary. April, don't let this dream die. I'm sure someone can come in and take a familiar role. No one can ever replace Miss M, but I'm sure they can do a better job than Mila.

April: (tears begin to fall) Oh Casey. What's happening to me?
Casey: You're finally getting to move your face. (they embrace)

April: I forgot how good this feels.
Casey: What, hugging me?
April: No. Just having the ability to move my face again. I have so many facial expressions and emotions to reunite with. Ok. Let's do it! Let's keep the Diary alive and well.

Casey: (cheers his wife on) That's the spirit! Now who are you gonna call? Janine perhaps?
April: Ugh no. Janine only wishes she could interview people. Look, she may have been in a coma from my Halloween bash, but that doesn't mean we have to be besties. No, I have someone else in mind. Let me just make a quick phone call. I love you Casey.

Casey: I love you too hon.

April: (puts her phone on speaker and dials, waiting for an answer on the other end) Come on, pick up the phone...

Caller on the other end: Hello?

April: (pauses for dramatic effect) Irma? It's me, April. Long time no talk. Listen, I could really use your help...

February 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Meanwhile... In the After Life...

Miss Elizabeth: I am only going to ask you this once more Jafar. How is it that when the Blue Moon ended you were able to still stick around on this side of the After Life?

Jafar: Who made you the end all be all in the After Life?

Miss Elizabeth: No one. I simply want to uphold the rules of the After Life, and evil is not allowed in this area unless it is during a Blue Moon.

Angela: Come on Jafar, you didn't think you'd get to stick around did you? It was only a matter of time before we found you.

Jafar: Spoken like a true Angel. So sure of herself. Look at you, half naked like a tart. I owe you both nothing.
Miss Elizabeth: Then you know the rules. You can't stay here. You will be returned to the doors and you will be placed back with the other evils of the After Life. My only other question is this, were you in this alone?
Jafar: I don't follow. Miss Elizabeth.

Angela: Look jerkwad. It's pretty simple. These past few cycles, have you been alone or have you been cavorting with any other presences of evil?

Miss Elizabeth: Answer the truth Jafar, for if there is more evil here, we will find whoever else is here.

Jafar: (lies) I was alone. Honest. (Editor's note: the biggest baddie of them all is still lose in the After Life: Maleficent!)

Miss Elizabeth: I don't know that I believe you, but I know one thing. If you were working with someone, they'd certainly be here to save you. So if there was someone, they've let you down. Now come on, it's time for you to go back.

Jafar looks on, hoping for the slightest bit of change. Hoping that Maleficent will indeed show up to save him. He knows that isn't going to happen though. Soon enough Jafar returns to the other side of the After Life.

While Maleficent still lurks free, searching for the one called dorkette...

To be continued!