September 2014: Bodacious Baddie!

Dear Diary,

Well, Total Darkness is over. I thought that crap would never end. My goodness! The world seems to be going back to normal though. I'm still stuck in the body of Moth Lady, a villain from the 80's. Michelangelo is smitten with Mona Lisa and has no intention of even realizing that I am the one and only Miss M. I've been avoiding Batman, which sucks because I kinda live at his mansion. Or Bruce Wayne's mansion. Or whatever the politically correct name is. Having a secret super hero identity has got to be exhausting. I don't even know how they all do it. Like, no matter how hard I try to reveal my true self, no one cares. Yet somehow Bruce Wayne dons a dingy looking suit with a cape he washes with Woolite for dark colors, and all of a sudden he has to keep things a secret? Like, why? He doesn't even have a girlfriend who would be put in danger. Oh I digress Diary.

I'm just glad Splinter is safe and sound. He is alive, so I can't complain. And hey, I might actually have a new job! Well, it's my old job. I got a call from April O'Neil and she asked for me to stop by my former house to visit with her. She said something about needing help at the Diary of a Dorkette office. Isn't it funny how things can come full circle? I guess.

See ya!
-Miss M

April: (on speaker phone) Ok, listen, I know your station is busy after everything that has happened, but these two people have been missing... What are their names? I have already told you! My Guy Friday and Irma Langinstein. It's Lang-in-stein. No, Stein! STEIN you moron!

Chief Wiggum: (on speaker phone as well) Hey now, I can't best serve you if I can't understand these strange names you keep sayin. Who names their child Guy Friday?

April: I don't know! That's not even his real name for crying out loud.

Chief Wiggum: Oh boy. Do you know his real name, Ms. O'Neil?

April: Huh? No. No, I'm sorry. I don't know his real name. Crap, I'm a shitty boss. Look, I just need your help. They have been missing!

Chief Wiggum: (picks his nose) Hey, we'll do what we can. Say, you wouldn't happen to be the O'Neil from Channel 6 News huh? The boys at the station can't get enough of you. Maybe you could come down to the station and...

April: (hangs up) Crap where are they?!

Leonardo: You ok April?

April: I'm fine Leo. I'm just stressed. I fear that something has happened to my Guy Friday and Irma.

Leonardo: Have the police found anything?

April: No. They're so swamped with the aftermath of the past month that they can't even think straight.

Chief Wiggum: Hey boys, let's go to the movies or something.

Lou: Oh I dunno Chief, we're behind on our cases.

Chief Wiggum: Ohh come on boys. My treat. Guardians of the Galaxy. Whaddya say?

Eddie: Totally. I'm in.

Lou: Ok cool. Count me in too.

Chief Wiggum: All right. I wanna stop at the store and get a box of those yummy little candies with the fruit flavors. I love those candies.

April: So, I don't know what to do. I'm really worried though. It is not like Guy Friday and Irma to be gone like this.
Leonardo: Yeah. Is there more to the story though April? You seem really shifty, which is unlike you.

April: (panics) Ok, I may have done something really bad.
Leonardo: What did you do?
April: I may have trapped someone in a dungeon like in Silence of the Lambs.

Leonardo: What? Who did you place in a dungeon?
April: I can't tell you that. But I'm worried, because Irma and Guy Friday may have stumbled upon my... guest... and now all three are nowhere to be found.
Leonardo: April! You're one of the good guys. You are better than this.

April: I can't help it! It's all the Botox. It's seaped into my brain. I can't handle getting older, you know this!
Leonardo: April...

April: Quiet! My new potential hire is here for an interview.

Leonardo: You're thinking of hiring that Moth Lady?

April: Yes.

April: (let's Moth lady in) Hi. Thank you for meeting me here. I hope it was easy to remember.

Miss M: (sighs) Yeah, it was really easy. I've been here before. (mutters under her breath) It was my house.
April: Excuse me?
Miss M: Nothing.

Leonardo: She's been here before. She went to find a doctor for Master Splinter.

April: Yes, I've been told of your bravery. You worked with Batman to get the power running again in the city. You certainly have some experiences, which is why I called you here. I know we all gave you a hard time...

Miss M: To be fair I was running around pretending to be your dead friend.

April: True. But you also have some experience, which is what I'm looking for. I'm currently understaffed at my office. We have a great deal of interviews we need to get done and I would like to offer you a job. Would you like to write for Diary of a Dorkette?

Miss M: Oh my goodness. Of course! I don't even have to think about that one! Yes! Oh my goodness, thank you so much! I would love to have that job.

April: Great! Welcome to the gang.

Miss M: Thank you so much.

Meanwhile...

She-Ra: Order! Let's have some order in the room! The Council of Female Super Heroes is called to order! What should we place on our agenda today?

Wonder Woman: I think we should discuss the events of Total Darkness and how not a single super hero was able to fully stop the dastardly plans of Maleficent. We were in big trouble and cannot let this happen again.

She-Ra: I agree. I also want to discuss our joining forces with the Cat Ladies in solving a crime.

Black Widow: Since when did we start cavorting with them?

Wonder Woman: Since they have been solving the murder of a dear friend.

She-Ra: This is true. While a few of the Cat Ladies might be a bit... devious... not all are straddling the world of good and evil. Cheetara is a lovely woman, a true hero and a dear friend.

Emma Frost: She also hasn't been able to find solid work in years. Why are we even talking about her?

Storm: I have something to add to the agenda.

She-Ra: Ok Storm.

Storm: I would like to address ways in which we can bring more women of color into this group. I feel our numbers are already small, but I'm practically the only woman of color in this group.

Frosta: Well, what about Netossa?

Netossa: Hi.

Storm: Oh, my mistake. There are two of us. Lovely.

Emma: Oh goodness darling, aren't we all women of color?

Emma: Look at Psylocke, she is Asian but has the mind of a stuffy crisp Brit. We even have Jubilee in this little group, though I'm not sure why.

Emma: (looks to Jubilee) What exactly makes you think you can be super hero material? And please don't say it's your fashionable use of long jackets.
Jubilee: Hey!

Storm: Emma, leave Jubilee alone.

Emma: (shrugs) Either way, Jubilee merely adds to the whole Rainbow Coalition. Doesn't she?

Jubilee: Hey, I was raised in a mall in the suburbs, so I'm practically white. And I think Storm has a point. What's wrong with expanding our network of female super heroes in a more diverse way?

She-Ra: There's nothing wrong with that. Diversity is a good thing and brings forth new and different perspectives for how we live in the world. We have a great deal to discuss, and I look forward to doing just that. So, shall we begin?

Back at Miss M's home...

Leonardo: I'm going to check on Splinter.

April: That's good. I'm gonna check the news. Hey Leo, I did the right thing by hiring that poor smelly Moth Lady, right?
Leonardo: I guess.

April: I mean, she was living under a bridge on Main Street.

Leonardo: You have a heart April. For every person you drop in a dungeon, you give a job to a smelly homeless woman. I'll be back down.

April: Ok. (turns on TV) Let's see what is on the news...

Mila Rosnovsky: (on camera) Hello viewers, this is Mila Rosnovsky for Channel 6 News and we are here on Main Street as clean up crews continue working round the clock to clean up the disaster dubbed 'Total Darkness.' There has also been a growing movement of humans taking their anger to the streets at anything that looks evil. Including... robots!

April: What is happening right now? Do I have glaucoma? Why is she on my news station?

Mila: Ma'am, could you please share with us your story?

Brandine: Sure. Ah was held hostage by a talking Decepticorn.

Mila: You mean Decepticon?

Brandine: Ya, whatever. So ah was held in this prison doohicky, and ah just wanted my cigs. And my hooch. So I done banded together with other folk in the prison and we tore that Deceptocorn to pieces.

Mila: Sounds fascinating.

April: Oh hell no. (shouts) Leonardo! I'll be back!!

In other parts of town...

Miss M: Bruce. Hey.
Bruce Wayne: Where have you been? I've seen your unmade bed, so I know you have been here, but I haven't spoken to you since Total Darkness. I feel like you are avoiding me.
Miss M: I haven't been trying to do that. I've just been busy.

Bruce Wayne: Ok. Busy with what?
Miss M: I got a writing job.
Bruce Wayne: That's nice.

Miss M: I'm writing for Diary of a Dorkette again.

Bruce Wayne: You got your old job back?
Miss M: Yep. I was just as surprised as you right now.
Bruce Wayne: Nice. Well, we should celebrate. I can get us reservations for Tres Bliss tonight.
Miss M: Oh. That place is fancy. I don't know. I was actually planning on leaving.
Bruce Wayne: What do you mean?

Miss M: Bruce, you've been so kind to me. I can never thank you enough, but I can't stay here with you. I have to find my own place.
Bruce Wayne: I don't mind you staying here. I actually quite like it. This is a big house, I can handle you staying here.

Miss M: I know, but I have to get my own place. I can't just stay here in this mansion with you. It isn't right. This is your home and how awkward would it be if you brought home a lady friend and here I am classing the joint up with my crimped hair and facial tattoo?

Bruce Wayne: You aren't making any sense M. When are you going to get it? I like you just the way you are. Yeah, you're neurotic and your hair is a bit dry, but I like you. I don't want a lady friend to visit, I just want you here.

Miss M: That's the problem Bruce. There just can't be an us.
Bruce Wayne: I know. You love a talking turtle.

Miss M: Oh don't be sad Bruce. You're freakin Batman. You can get any chick you want. And that's a fact. Girls dig rich socialite dudes with a vigilante complex. The cape is just a bonus.

Bruce Wayne: You don't want me though.
Miss M: I'm not most girls.
Bruce Wayne: (sighs) I know.

Miss M: I'm gonna pack a few things and stay in a hotel or something. I just need to be on my own. I do thank you though Bruce, for everything.
Bruce Wayne: Anytime. Oh, and by the way, what happened when Maleficent took you to the After Life during Total Darkness?

Miss M: (hugs her friend tightly) That's a long story. Maybe one day you'll get to read about it. Take care Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: You too.

Down on Main Street...

Mila: For all the important news events of the day, stick to Channel 6 News! This is Mila Rosnovsky reporting, take care everyone!

April: You! Just what in the hell is this?!

Mila: Oh, hi April.

April: What happened to your annoying voice? And why are you reporting news for Channel 6?! That's my job!

Mila: It isn't anymore. It's my job actually, until we can find a suitable replacement for you. Come on April, everyone can be replaced. Even the mighty Ms. O'Neil.

April: Under what proclamation!? You don't work for Channel 6 News!
Mila: You're right. I don't work for Channel 6. I own Channel 6.
April: What?!

Mila: Careful April, that Botox is wearing off, I can see your face moving. Why don't you pick that mouth up off the ground before something dirty crawls into it?

April: This is not possible.
Mila: Oh but it is. I struck a deal to buy out the owners of Channel 6 News. And now I own you, and your little Diary too.
April: Not possible. I have the majority of shares of the Diary. I still run that sub section of Channel 6.

Mila: Tsk. Tsk. I don't think so. I recently came across some pertinent information about Diary of a Dorkette going public. There were some shares up for grabs. Naturally I decided to branch off and open up some assets. It was rather easy. I purchased the remaining shares of Diary of a Dorkette before they could get divvied up to the public. Now with my shares from Channel 6 and the shares from the would-be-sell-out to the public, my power has reached astronomical levels. You control nothing.

April: It doesn't work like that! This is like the plot to a bad soap opera! How did you even know about the Diary going public?
Mila: Come now April, you're an investigative reporter, use that brain.
April: (realizations begin to dawn on her) You stole my documents! It was you! Those were important files!

Mila: If they were so important to you, you shouldn't have left them on your desk.

April: Why would you do this? What do you care about controling Diary of a Dorkette?
Mila: There is no need for you to be concerned with my plans. Oh, and as for my annoying slang from before... all an act. Never trust a rich white blond. We'll get ya every time.
April: This is impossible!

Mila: Oh, and say hello to your permanent replacement. I believe you two have met...

April turns and screams.

Megan Fox: Hello April.

April: What are you doing here? How did you get out of the dungeon? Where is Irma and Guy Friday?

Megan Fox: I don't know what you are talking about.

April: You won't get away with this Megan Fox!

Mila: Oh, I forgot to tell you, Megan changed her professional name.

Megan Fox: That's right. When I'm on camera I use my new name: April O'Neil!

April: That's my name! You can't use my name!
Megan Fox: I just did.

Mila: Here nu-April, I pass the torch to you...

Megan Fox: Thank you.

April: (head starts spinning) I don't feel so good.

Megan Fox: Why don't you go rest? I'm about to be on the air, and you're blocking my screen time.

April: This can't be... happening... I'm feeling faint...

April passes out.

Mila: Don't worry nu-April. I'll get old-April out of here. You just do your job. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha!

Megan Fox: Hi, and welcome back to Channel 6 news. I'm the new and improved April O'Neil, bringing you today's leading stories.

Meanwhile...

Miss M: Well. I couldn't afford even the cheapest of hotels on Mediterranean Avenue, and that place is cheap! Guess it's back to living under the bridge for me. Crap. What am I doing? I was in a mansion. A nice big mansion with the guy who plays Batman at night. Sometimes I think I suffer from stupidity. (shakes it off) It doesn't matter. I'm doing the right thing. Nothing good could come from me living in that mansion with Bruce Wayne. He is a trademarked bachelor and I'm a forever hopeless romantic in love with a ninja turtle.

Miss M: (inside her new/old home) Living under this bridge is where I belong. I need a nap.

Miss M falls asleep on the dank cold ground and dreams of a better life...

Miss M: (in dream land) Oh goodness. I even dream in the dumps.

Pinky Pie: No, you aren't in full REM yet M. It's ok.

Miss M: What are you doing here?

Pinky Pie: I'm here to warn...
Miss M: No. Stop. I can't deal with anymore warnings. Haven't we been through enough in August? No. No more.

Pinky Pie: You need to wake up. You're in danger girl.

Miss M: Oh no. I'm staying fast asleep. I'm not waking up.

Unknown to Miss M, a couple new guests arrive...

Wild One: (kicks Miss M in the side) Moth Lady! Moth Lady! Wake up!
Miss M: Uuhhh.

Wild One: Wake up!
Miss M: What?
Wild One: Finally. We thought you were dead.

Miss M: Who are you?

Wild One: You don't recognize your friends? It has been awhile. We've been looking for you Moth Lady.

Miss M: (stands up and starts recalling Moth Lady's memories) Ohh right. My old friends.

Wild One: Yeah. Where have you been?

Miss M: I've been around. What's up with you guys? Why are you here?
Wild One: We're here because we need you. Right Dragon Lady?

Dragon Lady: Exactly. It's time you came back to the fold Moth Lady.
Miss M: Oh... well... I've kinda liked it here. Homeless. Under a bridge.

Wild One: You sound funny. What's gotten into you? We've got good news. We finally rid the world of Golden Girl. That's one less warrior woman to contend with.

Dragon Lady: The bloodshed was pure art.

Miss M: Really? That sounds great. You got rid of your enemy. So, why do you need me?

Dragon Lady: (chillingly looks at M) There's one more part we need finished in our quest... (pauses for dramatic effect) We want you to kill She-Ra...

To be continued!

September 2014: Bodacious Baddie!