Tuesday, December 23, 2014

December 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Dear Diary: 

I don't understand how long it has to take to convict a wrestler of multiple crimes that practically have her finger prints over everything. Velvet Sky is on the verge of paying for her crimes and I am ready. She has messed with the wrong dorky girl. In fact, if She-Hulk can't move this trial along, I might have to take matters into my own hands...

Miss M

Megan Fox: Welcome back to Day 12 of Everyone Vs. Velvet Sky. The trial has been heating up as both She-Hulk and Blue Haired Lawyer have brought forth all manner of people to describe their versions of events that led to the death of Miss M. Those close to the deceased are here to support their friend in what is rumored to be the last day of the trial. And now, court is about to be in session.

April: This is April O'Neil, the real April O'Neil. Follow Diary of a Dorkette for the true details of Everyone Vs. Velvet Sky. That's just the truth!
Megan Fox: You get on my nerves.

April: The feeling is mutual! I can't wait for you to leave town.

Officer: Court is now in session. Judge Snyder presiding!

Judge Snyder: Ladies and gentlemen of the court, this case is getting old, so let's try to wrap it up today, shall we? She-Hulk, call in your next witness.

She-Hulk: My next witness is none other than Velvet Sky herself.

Moments later...

Velvet Sky: So there I was, lost and hurt that some blogger would think to write something about me, something so... malicious!

She-Hulk: Right, I understand. It must have been difficult...

Velvet Sky: It was incredibly difficult! I was humiliated at a wrestling match! That article was blasted across the screen, and everyone was chanting that I was... (releases fake sobs) trashy!

She-Hulk: Fine, you were distraught. But answer the question Ms. Sky! What would possess you to break the law with a slew of villains and plot the death of Miss M? The proof is mounting Ms. Sky and you are under oath!

Velvet Sky: I took an oath once. An oath to entertain! I could no longer do that, I could no longer make a living as an entertainer thanks to that wretched dork girl!

She-Hulk: That's right Ms. Sky. Let it out. Let your anger allow you to finally confess!

Velvet Sky: All right! Fine! I admit it. I plotted the death of Miss M. There's just one tiny problem, I didn't kill her. I couldn't have killed her, because she's still alive.

Dun-dun- duuuun!!!

She-Hulk: Excuse me?

Velvet Sky: Cut the crap She-Hulk. You know she is alive.

Jurors: Gasp!

Judge Snyder: Blue Haired Lawyer, what is going on? Is your client trying to enter a plea of mental insanity?

Blue Haired Lawyer: Not at all your honor. I think if you allow me to call in my next and final witness, you will understand what she is talking about.

She-Hulk: Oh no.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Oh yes. Will my witness please walk in!

Suddenly from somewhere, the Dynasty theme song begins as Miss M makes her entrance. Everyone stares in surprise.

Megan Fox: I don't believe this.

April: That's my dear friend.

Bruce Wayne: What is she doing here?

She-Hulk: My goodness. It's a miracle. Miss M is alive!

Blue Haired Lawyer: Stop the surprise She-Hulk. You all knew she was alive. It wasn't that difficult to find out.

Judge Snyder: Order in the court! We will take a five minute recess, you all need to get a handle on this circus! This is a court of law! I will fine you all!

She-Hulk: What in the hell are you doing here?

Miss M: I wanted to make an entrance! Wasn't my hat amazing? I wanted to walk in like Alexis Carrington on the season one cliffhanger of Dynasty! Remember that? She walked in with a veil and hat and no one knew who was under everything! The drama of it all was just so juicy! Then when the second season began, Joan Collins was there front and center as Alexis. Oh I just love night time soaps.

She-Hulk: No one cares about Dynasty right now. What happened to the plan that you were going to pretend to still be dead so I could have them throw the book at Velvet Sky?

Miss M: Yeah, well, that was the plan of course; before freakin Blue Haired Lawyer located me at a Toysrus. I mean you send one tweet about a sale on Monster High dolls and suddenly there's a lawyer ready to blackmail me if I don't show up to court. I mean what kind of world do we live in?

She-Hulk: I can't with you. I just can't.
Miss M: Don't worry. Put me on the stand. I might be alive, but it doesn't change everything I know. Velvet Sky is still going to pay for her crimes.
She-Hulk: Fine. You'll go on the stand. Let me go talk to the Blue Haired Lawyer about this damn mess. I'd rather be back at Marvel than this convoluted story.

Miss M: Ok. Sounds great.

She-Hulk walks off as April approaches.

April: M, what are you doing?
Miss M: Not speaking to you, that's what I'm doing.

April: M, please.

Miss M: April, we are no longer friends. We will never be friends again. You are a miserable woman and I refuse to associate with someone like you.
April: My goodness that is harsh.

Miss M: Well, it's a harsh new me, so there.

April walks away with tears in her eyes as Bruce Wayne cautiously says hello.

 Bruce Wayne: Hi M.

Miss M: Hi Bruce. I can't believe you are here.

Bruce Wayne: Why wouldn't I be? I was late to the first day of the trial, but I have been here ever since. I want to see that woman pay. I know I only just met you, and this new-old-you is taking some getting used to, but I do care about you. And I'm sorry that things didn't work out with the wedding, I truly am.
Miss M: I know. I thank you. No matter how mad I was at you, I still can't forget what you did for me. You are a really good guy Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: And you are truly a stunning person, regardless of what body you are in. I have to say though, as cute as you are, I would have fallen for you in Moth Lady's body and been content for the rest of my life.
Miss M: Bruce... It just can't happen.
Bruce Wayne: I know, but I can certainly hope. Have you found a home to live in?

Miss M: No, I'm letting the Turtles live in my house. And I know you have offered your mansion, but that's not a good idea. I am thinking of renting a place with Irma and Guy Friday. We are all gonna go in on a posh cabin in the woods. It's perfect this time of year.
Bruce Wayne: That's random.

Miss M: Yeah, well, it's time for some new sets. Ya know?

She-Hulk: All right M, you're on in five.

Miss M: Ok. I'm ready to tell my version of events. I just need to find my hat...

Moments later...

Miss M: So there you have it. I did write a terrible article about Velvet Sky. In my defense I never thought anyone would read a single word I had to say. But I can honestly tell you, Velvet Sky admitted to me a slew of things. She messed with the breaks on April O'Neil's car that resulted in her car wreck. She plotted my death with numerous villains. Janine Melnitz was attacked by her. Velvet Sky broke into my house and killed my dog Luke Skywalker. She attacked me in a cemetery. I'm fairly certain my hair and scalp are on a tombstone along with her finger prints. And to end it all, she was the one responsible for my death in the sewer.

She-Hulk: So what you are saying... is that Velvet Sky, without a doubt, is guilty.

Miss M: Yes. She is guilty. My life was forever halted by her hatred for me. I lost my dog. I lost my job. I lost the love of my life. I can only hope that the courts do the right thing. Velvet Sky is a criminal.

She-Hulk: That's all I have for you, thank you.

Judge Snyder: Blue Haired Lawyer, do you have anything to add?

Blue Haired Lawyer: Why yes, yes I do.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Miss M, I have only one thing to say to you. How is it possible for us to throw the book at a woman for killing you, when you are already alive?

Miss M: Well... I did die.
Blue Haired Lawyer: But here you are. Alive and well. Now again, how are we going to go after a woman for a murder, when the victim is breathing on this stand?

Miss M: She did other things. She is not innocent.

She-Hulk: Let this go!
Blue Haired Lawyer: Excuse me! Back away not so Jolly Green Giant. All right. Maybe Velvet Sky isn't completely innocent. But again, you are alive. Your honor, I just don't know what we are expected to do with this. How can a woman go to jail for the rest of her life if the person she allegedly killed is alive?

Judge Snyder: All right. I have heard enough. We will let the jurors decide if she is guilty or not.

Judge Snyder: Jurors, please whisper to yourselves and come up with your verdict.

Moments later...

Miss M: My goodness, how long does this take?

She-Hulk: Calm down M, it's only been five minutes.

Officer: All rise!

Judge Snyder: All right jurors! What say you?

Hexidecimal: After a long deliberation, we find Velvet Sky guilty on all accounts.

Velvet Sky: What?!

Miss M: Thank goodness!

She-Hulk: Wow.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Your honor!

Judge Snyder: Silence in the court! We will begin sentencing. Due to the nature of this case, I am taking over the sentencing for Velvet Sky.

Miss M: Can he do that?
She-Hulk: He's the judge.

Velvet Sky: Blue Haired Lawyer, do something! I cannot go to jail!
Blue Haired Lawyer: Hold on. I've got this. Your Honor, I'd like to make a deal.

Judge Snyder: A deal?
Blue Haired: Yes.

She-Hulk: Now wait a minute, no deals.

Miss M: Yeah. Bust a deal and face the wheel!

Judge Snyder: Quiet. You may approach the bench.

Miss M sits in silence wondering what the lawyers are talking about with the judge.

She-Hulk: This is bullshit!

Blue Haired Lawyer: Think about it Judge Snyder.

Judge Snyder: Very well. You may return to your battle stations.

Miss M: She-Hulk, what's happening?

She-Hulk: Just be quiet right now.

Judge Snyder: In all my years as a judge, I have never seen a case quite like this. And it is my decision that there is a bigger threat behind the actions of Velvet Sky. So her lawyer has struck a deal.

Miss M: What!?
Judge Snyder: In order to name the accomplice in her devious plots, Velvet Sky will not be serving time but will instead pay a fine and have a thousand hours of community service. That is all.
Miss M: No! No! She can't get away with this!

She-Hulk: M, please, sit down.
Miss M: What just happened?
She-Hulk: She gave up the name of who helped her, and the courts have been trying to catch this guy for awhile.
Miss M: Who?
She-Hulk: Hordak.

Miss M: So that's it? She names Hordak as a mastermind and she gets off free as a bird?
She-Hulk: She was found guilty.
Miss M: What little that does. I don't believe this.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Well, we ultimately won.

Velvet Sky: Yes we did. Thank you.

Blue Haired Lawyer: You are welcome.

Miss M: You must feel so proud of yourself.
Velvet Sky: No hard feelings. It's over Miss M.

Miss M: It will never be over. You ruined my life.

Velvet Sky: Go write about it in your stupid diary. I'm over your pathetic dorkness.

As Velvet Sky gets ready to leave, an angry mob bursts in.

Gail Kim: Not so fast! You are a dork killer Velvet Sky!

Velvet Sky: What is this?

Gail Kim: We're here to punch you in the face.

Chyna: Yeah!

Beth Phoenix: You need to pay for your wrestling crimes too.

Velvet Sky: Oh give me a break.

Gail Kim: I'll give you five. You're going down!

As a bevy of female wrestlers attack each other in the courtroom, Miss M silently leaves.

Bruce Wayne: You ok M?

Miss M: I just need to be alone Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: Ok.

Miss M walks away with a heavy sadness in her heart. The year is nearly over and she has lost so much. Nearly into the new year, Miss M wonders what will happen next. Heading out of the court and onto the front steps of city hall, she looks out across the reporters waiting on news from the trial.

Miss M: This stupid hat.

Miss M reaches up to remove her hat.

And then she flings it into the air, trying to let go of her year.

She soon bumps into an old friend.

Miss M: Link?

Link: Hey. You ok?

Miss M: I've just had a rough day to go with a rough year. On top of everything, I am not feeling this time of year. it just doesn't feel like the holidays. I just don't know that I care much.

Link: I understand. Would you like to go on an adventure with me? I'm looking for a musical instrument or cool boomerang, all in a hidden dungeon.

Miss M: Why not? Works for me.

Link: Awesome.

And just like that, their adventure begins.

December 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Meanwhile in a more evil area...

Hordak: Shadow Weaver!! I require an update on the trial.

Shadow Weaver: You aren't going to like this mighty Hordak.
Hordak: What is it?

Shadow Weaver: Velvet Sky was found guilty.

Hordak: I like that rather much. She was becoming a nuisance.
Shadow Weaver: She won't be serving any time though. She made a plea deal.
Hordak: Is that so?

Shadow Weaver: Yes. She named you as a co conspirator. The city will now have enough ammo to come after you.

Hordak: Blast that infernal wrestler! I knew I couldn't trust her. Wonderful. I told her never to name me. Well... Since this is such a giving time of year, let me return the favor. I've already got a hit out on those Cat Ladies, what's one more to the list? When I'm done with Velvet Sky, she'll have wished she had the safety of being behind bars. Hahahaha!

Up next! A Christmas Special you have got to read to believe!


  1. Replies
    1. I know John! It actually came with a larger doll, so that's why it looks so big, but it does fit on the toy's head perfectly! lol

  2. Speak for yourself M. Not only does that hat look amazing, but Toy Miss M looks great in it.

    Though I was thinking it was less "Dynasty" and more "Carmen Sandiego".

    1. Haha! It does have a lot of Carmen Sandiego moments to it doesn't it? lol I just really needed a dramatic looking hat though for this post.

  3. have to say was expecting since the jury was made of baddies to come back and say velvet sky is not guility . though if nothing else toy miss m did get her way for velvet sky is now on hordaks hit list. so velvet sky is going to pay yet

    1. I know, I had really contemplated what the fate of Velvet Sky would be and it only made sense that she'd get away with having any jail time. But I also wanted her to be found guilty, because she is. However, with toy Miss M being alive and all, it made for a rather interesting choice for me. Hordak will also have all sorts of plans for Velvet Sky! lol

  4. "Bust a deal and face the wheel" -pleeeaase tell me you have seen the trailer for the new Mad Max movie!! Even though it's not Mel Gibson it looks AMAZING! knocked my dick in the dirt!!
    Loved the Link adventure ate the end! Though it does seem like some of these "Hotties" are becoming more and more a formality, and less and less actually the point of the article.
    Love the hat!! I sincerely hope the throwing that hat bit was a reference to the Mary Tyler Moore show! ( Best sitcom of all time! EAT IT Seinfeld!)

    1. I have seen the new trailer! I am totally excited for it too! I know it is not Mel Gibson and stuff, but it looks so cool. I can't wait.

      And yes, these new hotties are becoming more and more about the ongoing story and not the actual hottie, but I am going to try and change that in 2015. There will still be story, but I also want to have things be about reviewing toys in a fun and different way again.

      The Mary Tyler Moore show was one of the images I had in my mind with that picture, but it was not the only reference. I had a few in mind, though they are all pretty sad and dorky. At the end of the day, her throwing the hat symbolizes her letting go of the reality that things are not going to be going her way. I do agree though the Mary Tyler Moore show was far better than Seinfeld.