Tuesday, August 18, 2015

August 2015 Heroic Hottie!

Dear Diary,

I'm a mom. Sort of. You see, last year I was dead and then I came back to the land of the living, but I was in someone else's body. I was sharing space with Moth Lady. She is this evil warrior woman that works with Dragon Queen to topple the ranks of Golden Girl and her friends. Anyways, you can check all of that out by clicking the tab to the right and catching up on some fun back posts. Either way I slept with Batman/Bruce Wayne in Moth Lady's body. She got pregnant and gave birth to a bat baby, which she then gave to Bruce and me. Now I have no idea what to do. I've moved out of my cute apartment downtown and now I'm back at Wayne Manor. I mean it's just a mess. 

-Miss M

Miss M: Ok, so here's the thing. I just want you to be like those babies in those diaper ads. Or whatever. Just try and smile. Stop being so creepy!

Bat Baby: ....

Miss M: Oh my goodness. I think you want me dead.

Bruce Wayne: Hey, I'm home.
Miss M: Where have you been?

Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry, I got tied up with meetings at work. We're trying to get a cure created for those affected by TOYS. The pharmaceutical brand of Wayne Enterprises is very close to securing it...

Miss M: Great. That's really nice. I have a job too. And I don't just mean taking care of this baby. I'm talking about a real life paying job. I haven't had time to get anything done.

Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry M. I'm here now. Let me take care of my sweet daughter.
Miss M: She has been fussy all day. Chewie and I finally got her to calm down.

Bruce Wayne: Are you feeding her Dr. Pepper?

Miss M: Yes. Don't judge me!

Bruce Wayne: M, you can't feed a baby Dr. Pepper.

Miss M: Look man, I have tried everything. She won't drink milk. She loves blood but I'm not about to be her personal food bank. Dr. Pepper has been the only thing that she will take. I don't know what else to do.

Bruce Wayne: (coos at the baby) Well don't you take after your mommy, huh?

Miss M: Oh come on, I wasn't drinking Dr. Pepper at her age.

Bruce Wayne: (grins) But you would have.

Miss M: Maybe. Look, this is not easy ok? I sent Alfred out to the store like a billion times. There was no formula that could work. I mean I'm just about to have a break down.

Bruce Wayne: Oh M, what's wrong?

Miss M: (tears form in her eyes) I'm just not sure I am good at this. I don't have this built in mom gene. I don't know what I am doing. This is really scary. I'm feeding her Dr. Pepper! Who does that?She has wings. I mean I don't know if she is going to walk or fly first. I just want her to grow up and be ok.

Bruce Wayne: She will be ok. M, you are doing an amazing job.

Miss M: This is just all too much for me. I'm way too emotional right now. I don't know what I'm doing.

Bruce Wayne: Hey, slow down. It's ok. I'm home from work, why don't you take a break, hmm?
Miss M: I can't leave you alone with her. What kind of mom would I be?

Bruce Wayne: Look, you've been in this house non stop for days now. Go out and visit your friends for awhile. I think Alfred and I can handle this.

Miss M: Are you sure?

Bruce Wayne: Come on, I've saved the city from numerous villains. Too many to list. Of course I am sure. I want to get some bonding time in with my baby girl.

Miss M: Ok, I'll be back. I need to stop by the office and check on some loose ends. (speaks fast) I'll be back. I promise. I'll also pick up some dinner. Would you like Chinese or Italian?

Bruce Wayne: Don't worry about that, I'll take care of dinner. See ya soon. (coos at the baby) Say bye to mommy.

Miss M: (smiles looking at her bat baby) Bye sweet angel.

The baby finally smiles.

At the offices of Diary of a Dorkette...

April: Let me understand, you have a baby now?
Miss M: Yes.

April: I never thought I'd see the day that you'd be a mom.

Miss M: I know. I mean technically I'm not. I didn't give birth to her.

April: Oh come on M, stop saying that. Blood doesn't always make a mom a mom.

Miss M: Oh I don't know, she has a strong thirst for blood...

April: Excuse me?
Miss M: Nothing.

April: So when will we all get to see this new bundle of joy?
Miss M: I'm not sure. We're trying to get acclimated as new parents.

April: Understandable. Well, Irma and Guy Friday will help me get some things together for you guys. Baby supplies, some booze. The booze will be for you and Bruce, only to be used on off times, not when you're taking care of the rugrat. Unless you can juggle diaper duty with a buzz.
Miss M: Probably not. Grody. Thank you though. So about work...
April: Don't worry about that. Take some time off. I'll make sure the interviews get done.

Miss M: Oh I don't mind! I can juggle it all.

April: Don't be silly. Take some time off. Work will be here when you return.
Miss M: (looks sad) Ok.

April: Enjoy this time M!

Miss M: Yeah. Well I just need to visit a few more people, I need to get going.

Miss M: See ya.

April: See ya, crazy girl.

A few slices of pizza and a loss of game tokens later...

Billy: (tries to beat his high score) Are you going to marry him?
Miss M: Oh no, Bruce and I are just going to co-parent.

Billy: Right. In his giant huge mansion. You two are either going to fall in love or have hot no strings boring parental sex. What does he look like naked?

Miss M: You did not just ask me that.

Billy: (shrugs) I'm curious.

Miss M: You are a married man!

Billy: (looks sad) Thanks for reminding me.
Miss M: Are you worried about him?

Billy: For sure. I have no idea if Sulu was able to correct the future. I don't even know when I will see him again.

Miss M: Oh Billy. I'm so sorry.

Billy: It's ok. I just want us to all be ok, ya know?
Miss M: Yeah. Do you think this evil cosmic force will find me?

Billy: No. Don't worry about that. Enjoy your baby and life M. You've got a lot to look forward to, like sweaty boring parental sex with Bruce Wayne.

Miss M: (gasps) Would you stop?! That is so gross! I'm never going to sleep with the father of my baby. Ever. Besides, you have a lot to look forward to as well Billy. Sulu and you will have a chance again. I just know it.

Billy: (goes back to the game) I can only hope so.

At Glimmer's posh home...

Miss M: It's nice to see you Glimmer. I haven't seen you in so long.
Glimmer: I know. I've just been busy. What have you been up to?

Miss M: A lot, but I'm not here to talk about me. I want to talk about you.

Glimmer: Not much too talk about.

Miss M: Are you sure? I'm always here for you. If there was anything you needed to share with me...

Glimmer: (looks away fighting the sting of her tears) Nothing to share at all.

Miss M: Ya know, I heard they were working on a cure for TOYS...

Glimmer: Don't mention that word to me!

Miss M: Glimmer...

Glimmer: How did you find out? Do I look sick? How can you tell I have TOYS?

Miss M: (lies) I don't know how I know, I was just making small talk. Glimmer, you are going to be ok.

Glimmer: Leave me alone. Nothing is ever going to be ok. Never!
Miss M: Glimmer!

Glimmer: Get out!

Back at the Diary of a Dorkette offices...

April: Ok, we need to figure out who is going to be the Heroic Hottie this month.
Irma: I thought M had that figured out?

April: No. She has a baby to take care of.

Irma: Oh my goodness, I knew that was more than some bloat! She's been pregnant for a very long time now huh?

April: No Irma, that was just her bloat. She did not give birth. More like a stork dropped the baby off.

Irma: So that really happens?

April: (sighs) Oh Irma, I'll explain it all later.

Guy Friday: I never pegged M for being a single mom. She can barely take care of her dog Chewie.

April: Bruce Wayne and M are taking care of a baby.
Irma: I'm so confused. I thought they were over.

April: Look, let's just get back to focusing on work. We need a Heroic Hottie.

Irma: We could do a hot dad spread. Maybe get Bruce Wayne to pose nude or something.
Guy Friday: (slightly jealous) Hey, why would you bring that one up?

Irma: Sorry hon.
Guy Friday: It's ok, your boy crazy ways are one of the reasons I fell in love with you.

Irma: Aww. You are so sweet.

April: You both disgust me.


Agent Coulson: Excuse me, are these the Diary of a Dorkette offices?

Irma: Sure, how can I help you?

Agent Coulson: I'm looking for Miss M.

Irma: Oh I'm sorry, you just missed...

April: (interrupts) Quiet Irma. What are you doing here?

Agent Coulson: I'm looking for Miss M. I was told she works here.

April: Look pal, I'm really sorry, but M is off the market. She may not realize it yet but her days of going on shitty dates are done. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sure you would have treated her well, but you're giving off a weird creepy man vibe. That's not fun. For anyone.

Agent Coulson: I'm not trying to date Miss M. This is important official business. Now please, where is she?

April: What is this about? I'm not about to tell you where my best friend is without knowing if she is in any danger or not.

Agent Coulson: I can't divulge any of that information. This is between Miss M and myself.

Irma: Is this about that time she accidentally walked off with a Minnie Mouse PVC toy from the Hallmark store?

Guy Friday: How do you even accidentally do that?

Agent Coulson: Ok enough, I am personally not here to harm Miss M. It is a matter of urgency though that I find her. I am involved in a top secret agency specializing in intelligence.

Irma: Oh! C.I.A?

Agent Coulson: No.

Irma: Umm, F.B.I?

Agent Coulson: No.

Irma: U.N.C.L.E?

Agent Coulson: (sighs) No.

April: Enough. Looks like you just might have to wait for her.

Agent Coulson: I can do that.

April: Ya know, we could maybe work something out. Men in suits are totally hot, especially in the summer.
Agent Coulson: Is that so?

April: Of course! All one wants to do is fantasize about removing all those clothes. How about we help each other out? I'm sure Miss M will be coming back to the office soon. You could wait for her and in the meantime you could maybe take some photos for us?

Agent Coulson: I don't think that would be wise.

April: We could always pixelate your face. No one would ever know it was you.

Irma: She can totally do that. Besides, you'd be a Heroic Hottie. Who wouldn't want that?

Agent Coulson: Well...

April: Come on. Help out my online sales for the latest Heroic Hottie.

Agent Coulson: Do you think women would find me desirable?

Irma: For sure. Even some men too if you liked that sort of thing.

Agent Coulson: I'm good, but I'll take any compliment I can get. It can be soul shattering to be a middle aged man, no matter how much society says it's ok. We can't all be Sean Connery. Sure, let's do this.

April: Wonderful!

Agent Coulson: And you're sure Miss M will show up?

April: Of course! Now Irma, show this kind man the power of a camera.
Irma: Sure thing!

Irma: Now get ready to pose!

Meanwhile during the photo shoot...

April: (whispers to Guy Friday) I need you to go and find Miss M. Tell her to get back to Wayne Manor and to stay there. Tell her I'll be in touch. Go now.

Guy Friday: (whispers) Ok.

Agent Coulson: How much longer do you think Miss M will be?

April: Ya know, I'm not sure.

Guy Friday: Oh goodness, I think I had too much Starbucks today. I need to use the restroom. Be back in a sec.

Guy Friday sneaks off.

April: Well, like I said, you are more than welcome to wait for Miss M. I'm sure she'll show up at some point.
Agent Coulson: Fine. Thank you for taking the photos.

Irma: No problem! Would you like some coffee or a donut? We have some in the break room from this morning. They might be stale though...

Agent Coulson: No thanks. I'm just going to wait for Miss M...

August 2015 Heroic Hottie!

Else where...

Catra: Oh Miss M! Are we happy to see you.

Catwoman: Yeah, what's new in your world?

Miss M: I've been busy. Life has given me some drastic changes as of late. Of course, I think there have been some changes with you guys too.

Cheetara: You could say that.

Miss M: I know. So I'm just gonna get to the bottom of this. where is Velvet Sky?

Black Cat: Who is that?

Miss M: Don't play dumb. I know you gals have been keeping her here.

Catwoman: That's not true.

Cheetah: Yeah, why would we do that? She killed you.

Miss M: Yeah... I have no idea why you would be hiding that trashy monster here, but I'm giving you all five seconds.

Catra: That's not necessary.

Miss M: 5...

Hellcat: Ya know, we can all talk this out...

Miss M: 4...

Catwoman: You know we love you, right?

Miss M: 3...

Black Cat: Of all my rotten luck, I had to show up here today.

Miss M: 2...

Cheetara: I knew this would come back to bite us...

Miss M: 1...

To be continued!


  1. That Bat-Baby is a cutie and my wife would love her...She is a Dr.Pepper drinker too lol.

  2. Why didn't Irma or April try to play a Cello to distract Coulson? We all know that is what he is truly hankering for!
    M! You are NOT the same person I thought you were!! FIRST, I find out you have a boyfriend, after our date went so swimmingly and I KNEW you were in love with me, THEN, I find out you have a Bat Baby with Bruce, THEN, I see you are gonna kick all the Cat ladies cute asses!! NOT COOL! Not even Hordak gets to kick Catra's ass! The only trapdoor she gets dropped down is mine!! Yeah, I know she digs Bow, but if I can't be with Toy Miss M, I figure Catra is the second best option! Or ...maybe Frosta...or maybe Glimmer...damn it! It's like Ruffles , "Bet you can't eat just one" ad campaign!!! Ohh, I just realized how perverted that came out! Whoops!
    Still, I stand by it.