The plans are coming along for April's Halloween bash. I'm really hoping that her party will be a hit. Can I be honest though? I kinda just want my Halloween to be simple. Maybe do a little trick or treating with Bruce and Yvie, and then just go home and veg out with some horror movies. Maybe have a little spooky adult fun with Bruce after Yvie falls asleep for the night. Come to think of it, ever since Bruce and I became a couple we haven't really consummated anything. Like, he isn't waiting for marriage is he? No. Bruce Wayne is a playboy. He has slept around more than I can count, so then why hasn't he tried to sleep with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Am I, gasp, boring? I heard boredom is a sure fire way to slay a boner. Heaven help me.
At the offices of Diary of a Dorkette,
April: I know. Chris Gaida has been the perfect Halloween party planner. I'm thinking of finding a job for him permanently. We could certainly use the help. Irma is gone and Guy Friday has been sulking since things ended with Irma. Do you know he has not shown up for work in days? I don't even know where he is.
April: Of course I do. Now that you are busy playing house with Bruce and your baby, there's no telling when you'll leave too.
Miss M: I'm not going anywhere. I might be incredibly busy right now but it won't be forever.
April: What? I'm confused.
April: I doubt that.
Batman: None taken. It has been a bit weird but in a good way. Yvie is really great. She's the perfect baby.
Superman: I need to stop by and see her.
Superman: M's family come to visit?
Batman: You could say that. (editor's note: Miss Elizabeth and the warrior woman Angela are visiting from the After Life!)
Batman: Yeah. Not a whole lot of acting going on I'm afraid.
Superman: I don't follow.
Superman: Wait. You two haven't??
Batman: No. We haven't.
Superman: I don't mean to be rude, but you have some issues.
Back at the office...
Miss M: Romantic relationships are so screwed up.
April: I can find you a babysitter, just give me a date for when Operation Bat Wing is a go.
April: I do remember that. Aww! We had our first jobs together!
Time to take a trip into the past for a special Halloween themed:
October 2015 Bodacious Baddie!
At the Mary Poppins School For Gifted Babysitters circa 199X...
A few days later...
With the friends set for their babysitting field exams, Miss M and April settle into their respective babysitting homes and make time for some phone calls, via speaker phone...
April: It's ok. This whole babysitting exam is so simple. I've been fortunate enough to have a really cool child to look after. She just got back from some weekend warrior camp so she's been showing me all these cool things like a spirit stick with sword inside and an awesome bow and arrow!
Miss M: That's cool.
Miss M: April! You can't sneak your boyfriend in! Are you nuts?! You're a babysitter!
April: Whatever! Live a little. It's Halloween. I am not going to miss out on seeing Casey. It's not like we're going to have sex in the parent's bedroom. We're just gonna hang out and eat pizza.
Miss M: That's trouble. Although can I just say, I've never understood the appeal of randy teens sleeping in the parent's bed. That just seems grody, and probably why they get killed in the end. Of course this is why I'll never have a boyfriend because I'm too goody goody.
April: Probably. You do need to stop confusing goody goody with annoying though. Hey! Let's get a three way going with Glo.
April: Oh M. I feel for your future.
April: What's up?
Glo: Not much girls. This field exam is perfect! I got assigned two sisters.
Miss M: No way! That sounds so difficult.
Glo: It's been really great. The sisters get along. We've been playing with make up and dolls. Plus I think one of them is a mutant.
April: A mutant? That's so cool! What kind of mutant abilities?
Glo: The mutant girl has ice powers. Reminds me of that guy in our class who left for another school, what was his name? Bobby I think?
April: Wow. You've got a story! I'm jealous!
Miss M: I'm more jealous that ya'll have been playing with dolls. You are both lucky, sounds like perfect field exams.
Glo: Is something wrong with your kid?
Miss M: Everything! I don't even think I'm babysitting a kid. He looks like the family pet.
April: Maybe he is a mutant?
Glo: What are the rules?
Miss M: I can't get him wet, which makes me worry. How does he wash his hands or even bathe? The next rule is that he must avoid light, so this freakin house is dark and set in creepy mood lighting. Finally he can't eat after a certain hour, but I have already forgotten when that is. It's Halloween! He's been hyped up on candy as he should be. It's just weird.
Glo: Yeah, good night April and M!
Miss M: Wait, you don't have to leave too Glo! We can have more girl talk.
Glo: I'd love to, but I need to check on the sisters.
Miss M: But I'm so lonely in this moody house with the furry mog...
Miss M: Why don't you go upstairs and use the restroom. And wash your hands!
Meanwhile at Glo's location...
Anna: (whispers) You got candy in your dress right?
In the same neighborhood...
Walks into the other room.
Back at Miss M's spot,
Miss M: (sighs) Damn it, I do not want to be cleaning up caca. He is covered in fur!
Miss M goes to investigate the strange noise coming from below...
Freddy: (snickers) This never gets old.
Screams pierce the night air from another house...
Step Four: She knocks on the bathroom door!
Down the street,
Freddy: Ha ha! Nightmares are real. Let's play!
Glo: Please let me be dreaming. Please...
Freddy: This is no dream. This is real.
Anna: Is this a game of adventure princesses?
Down the street,
Miss M: Ohhh my head.
Miss M: It's the boogey man! He's after me.
Merida: It doesn't have razors in it, does it?
Merida: Darn. We could really use some razors right now.
Miss M: Oh no! We were starting to become great friends! What is happening? This was never part of our babysitter studies!
April: Come on M, what are we going to say to the police? That we're being stalked by slasher flick killers? Let's just save your kid.
Freddy: These two aren't going to say, so I'll speak for all three of us. We want sequels. A never ending supply of sequels, with excellent poster art from a bygone era. We can only get those wishes with fresh new blood.
The killers prepare to strike.
Miss M: How do we stop them? They're mad movie men!
Miss M: You don't have the guts to hurt us you old queen.
Lucille: I'm not joking. Maybe I'll kill you first, you seem like the most annoying out of the three.
Lucille: Yep it's settled. I'm killing you first.
Miss M: Eww! No!
Glo: Piece of cake!
Miss M: Thanks guys. Oh no! What do we do about them!
April: We should call the police. They can't kill those kids!
Glo: Are you kids ok?
Elsa: (feels nervous) It's chilly in here, no?
Anna: I'm a little scared, but a Kit Kat would make me feel better.
April: We really need a plan.
Miss M: Don't look at me. I got nothing.
Freddy: Old compliment kid.
Again with another "suddenly"
April: She'll fix this.
Miss M: Why am I being shushed? Was I saying something wrong?
Freddy: You said we'd get more sequels if we helped you.
Lucille: I lied. Now, are you goin' with me to Springfield or what?
Miss M: (pauses) I locked him in the bathroom. I think he needed to take a number 2 but then he fell in the toilet. He should still be there.
Before time returns to the present, there is a fleeting glimpse of the upstairs bathroom. It looks like Halloween was far from over that adventurous night for teen Miss M and her friends.
Far from over indeed.
Back to the present.
April: Nah. But you did learn a valuable lesson.
April: However, it was a very memorable Halloween.
April: Yeah. I can invite her to the Halloween party. It'd be nice to catch up.
Miss M: I totally agree.
Miss M: I'm not sure. I guess try to seduce him, which I've never been good at. Seduction and me do not go hand in hand.
April: You'll do fine. Just remember, nothing can be as bad as your babysitting skills. I mean really M? You wanted Freddy Krueger to look after children?
Spooky times for sure. There are many loves in a dorkette's life. So many it can be hard to keep count, though a dorkette never forgets the first three that made her scream. Here's to the slashers.
October 2015 Bodacious Baddie!
Time keeps ticking on. Halloween is getting closer and closer. This coming week will be one you won't want to miss. Take care everyone!