Monday, February 15, 2016

All My Toys: Making Life Up

Dear Diary,

It's February. I still have not been given a regular position at Lacy's. I'm still considered seasonal. My fellow co-workers who were hired as seasonal around the same time as me have all picked up shiny positions with all the perks. I don't know what to do. I keep asking when I'll be given a solid position. It's stressful. I feel like I'm being given the run around, which is fine, I just need to know what to do. On a side note, my cheeks have never been rosier since I have an assortment of blush testers at my disposal. My secret is that I keep the new testers hidden so that I am the only one able to use them. I feel like there is something inherently wrong with this, but I'm barely scraping by so I'll be damned if my cheeks are going to suffer in a colorless world. There's always more going on, but I can't get into it all right now.

-Michael Lynn

Michael: Jade! Jade!

Jade: Wow, look at you all dressed up.

Michael: I know! I've got exciting news. Get your behind out from the counter! We are picking out bathing suits.

Jade: Oh we are?

Michael: Yes! I'm rich! I'm rolling in the dough. We are blowing this Popsicle stand and I do mean that in the fun way and not the intergalactic space hussy way. We are getting out of this place!

Jade: And just where are we going? My shift doesn't end until six.

Michael: Ok here's the plan. With all my money, we are going to get fabulous teeny tiny bathing suits. We're going to an island where we will be famous jet-setters. Cameras will follow us. We'll go to balls and dance with counts. We'll frolic on glittery beaches feeling fantastic with our umbrella drinks. You can bring your boyfriend. Men will find me desirable. I'm talking Jurassic Park goat desirable.

Jade: You are insane.

Michael: (twirls around) Insanely rich! Come on, my plan is going to work!

Jade: I suppose I could take a fifteen minute break and we could look at bathing suits.

Michael: That's the spirit! Come on, I really need this. My ex Joel is constantly bragging about all the places he is vacationing to, and the only places I can escape to are in my head. Granted the Crystal Falls are really nice this time of year, it would be even better to just go some place for real. Some place where we can be valued, where our worth is not tied to how many people we can get to sign up for a Lacy's credit card thus creating a space for people to get into debt. We should be experiencing so much more.

Jade: Honey child, no one is going to show us what we are worth except ourselves and maybe our mamas and daddies if we were lucky to get some good ones. And anyways, we experience a lot here already. We wouldn't even have met otherwise, although explain to me why you are a marriage and family therapist but you are still working here. I'd be so out of this place.

Michael: I don't know the answer to that. I feel like I'm stuck. Like I'm losing my grip on reality.

Jade: You should get a grip on something because Rose is coming.

Michael: Oh shit.

Rose: What's going on here? Michael, did you get that gown at Lacy's? I'll need to see a receipt to make sure it wasn't stolen.

Michael: Ha! As if! This is couture from the greatest atelier in France! And I want one of everything in the cosmetics department! Ring up every blush, eye shadow, and lipstick! In the words of the great 90's group Republica, 'I want everything!' I'm rich bitch!

Rose: Really now? Your lies aren't going to work. You aren't even getting commission with your small sales and zero credit card openings. I don't even know where to place you because the cosmetic brands here won't hire you. You're an undesirable candidate for employment. So tell me again how you are going to buy one of everything here?

Michael: Excuse me?

Rose: Lies. All of it. You have nothing to offer Lacy's. You also have no money. You're poor living in your parent's attic.

Michael: No. I am a jet-setter, like freakin Barbie. I'll have hair fans blowing my hair like I'm a model wherever I go. I have fabulous plans for a fabulous life.

Rose: You have no life. Now wake up and smell the perfume being sprayed in your face.

Michael: What?

Michael is startled out of her daydream,

Michael: What?

Tanya: I said why aren't you wearing any makeup? You look different with no makeup on. More importantly it's part of our jobs to have a full applied face.

Michael: Yeah. I know. I just wasn't really feeling like putting a lot of make up on today. I was in a rush.

Tanya: Just don't let them catch you putting some on at the counter. I can cover for you if you need to sneak off to the restroom.
Michael: No, I'm good. A red lip will always suffice.
Tanya: Have you gotten hired on to one of the beauty brands yet?

Michael: I'm still seasonal. I've interviewed with some of the make up lines, but no one wants me. They don't think I'm capable of selling high numbers. Plus I haven't opened a new credit account with a customer since December. My numbers are just low. (sighs) I also failed one of the phone interviews. I got nervous. I think.
Tanya: Yeah, but you are so friendly. The customers love you. They'll figure something out for you.
Michael: Oh I'm sure they will. I haven't given up.

Tanya: Can I ask you something?
Michael: Sure.
Tanya: Why did you give up on your marriage?
Michael: That's a very specific question.

Tanya: Sorry! I've just been curious. I have this life goal to be married by the time I'm 22. I just turned 21 so I'm close to being on track. I want to have my first kid by the time I'm 23 or 24. I want a decent number of kids and a happy marriage. I want to learn from you so I don't end up divorced.
Michael: Oh. I don't even know what to say.
Tanya: What went wrong? You were with him for awhile right?

Michael: Yes. We were together for awhile. Sadly, I am not sure I have some Cosmopolitan rule on avoiding divorce. All I can impart on you is to really make sure you know the person you are involved with. When I got married I thought I had cracked the code. I had it all mapped out on how I'd be the perfectly imperfect wife that my husband would just be happy to grow old with. It wasn't like that. I essentially became a glorified blow up doll with a voice activated chip that never shut up. Bottom line, you can't prevent divorce. Either your partner will want to be with you or he won't. Just really know who you are with. Be loyal to each other. Joel wasn't happy with himself so he was never going to be truly happy with me.

Tanya: Thanks. I think that helps. I've been with my boyfriend since 9th grade and I know him very well. We're happy together. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. You must think I'm some silly stupid young girl.

Michael: No. A part of me wants to tell you that getting married is the dumbest thing a person could ever do. I want to tell you to get an education and grab a fabulous career. However you are going to do what you want, it's none of my business. Also, I do want you to be happy and have your dreams come true. I'm not the authority on what you need. Shoot, you might have it all figured out. I can only tell you about my experience.

Tanya: I know, which is why I think you are so cool. You are easy to talk to. I feel like I'm learning how to prepare myself for older age.

Michael: I'm only in my thirties.

Tanya: Yeah, but with my life goals to get married in a year and my first child when I'm 23, my thirties will be like middle age.

Michael: Ha. You have a whole life ahead of you. We all do.

Tanya: Thanks Michael. I should probably get back to work before one of the managers gets on to us for talking too much.

Michael: Good idea.

Michael: (looks at approaching customer) Hi, would you like to apply for a Lacy's credit card account and save 20% on your purchase today? Oh, I see you are already a card holder. Wonderful. Thanks for being a loyal customer.

Later on Michael joins her friends at the mini mart,

Patrick: How was work today?
Michael: Eh. It was work.

Patrick: Did you get your stuff turned in for your therapy license?

Michael: I'm just waiting to see if they approve my new paperwork and put my license back in good standing. How about you?
Patrick: Great. Practice for the competition has been good. They love the suit. It's cool. I miss regular clothes though.

David: Paint anyone up Michael? I love your make up stories.

Michael: (smiles) Not really. I had one foundation match, but no make overs. I was fine with that.

Patrick: What's the plan for tonight?

Michael: I dunno. Guess we load up on snacks and watch TV.

Patrick: Play some Sorry?

David: I'm cool with Sorry.

Michael: Yeah, that sounds fun. Are you guys sure you want to be hanging out with me tonight? I feel like I'm always tagging along. If you ever want a night alone, I will totally understand.

Patrick: Stop being such a Nana. We love being with you. Have you gotten everything moved out of your old house?

Michael: No. You guys helped me with the big stuff. I can't thank you enough but there's a few other things I need to get.

Patrick: Has Joel been nice?

Michael: Since I blacked out on him? Eh. He's been indifferent. He did accuse me of using him though. I was indirectly referred to as a gold-digger.

David: No way.

Patrick: After everything he did to you, he implied you were using him?

Michael: Yep. I had taken the gold painted charger plates and he let me know he had bought them and that they were his. Like I could remember who bought them. Either way I brought them back and he let me know his thoughts of my gold digging behavior.

Patrick: Wait, what are charger plates?
David: They're fancy plates that act like a place-mat for the plates you eat off of.

Michael: Yep.

Patrick: Isn't that what the place-mat is for?

Michael: Yes. it's a silly uppity thing. I only took the charger plates because I used them as backdrops for my toy photos for the blog. I didn't know. He keeps tossing shade my way about me being consumed with what I can get out of the move. The reality is that I am no longer living there. He gets to stay. Moving is not on his radar, but it's on mine. I have to be thinking about how things are split up. Heaven forbid he actually try to understand what I'm going through.

Patrick: Makes sense. What an ass. Well if you need any more help moving just let us know, we'll help.

Michael: Thanks guys. You have both done more than enough though. I'll be able to get the rest. I'm gonna grab some chips.

Michael: Mmm, which ones?

Michael: Sour cream and onion sound good. I would normally be worried about my breath, but that's the great thing about being single. No one will be getting up close and personal.

Michael: Or maybe I should get some oatmeal. Wait. Stop being a Nana.

Michael: Chips it is. Although maybe there is something better on the top shelf.

Ed: Hey Princess.

Michael: Ed! What are you doing?

Ed: Not much. Just remarking to myself how long your legs look. I don't remember them looking that long.

Michael: Ed, you have to go.

Ed: Go where? M, you left us all behind. There's no where else to go.

Michael: Well you can't be here! You have to go. If my friends see me talking to you...

Ed: They'll what? Think you're crazy? You aren't just talking to some snack foods M. I'm just as real as the world around you.

Michael: No. That can't be. What is happening to me?

Michael: Hey guys! I'm almost ready.

Patrick: Cool. Picked out any chips yet?

Michael: (looks nervous) No. I think I'm good.

David: What's wrong? You look a little off. Should we stop for a large french fry at McDonald's again?

Michael: I'm fine. Let's get going. We've got snacks to eat!

Michael looks back hoping for some confirmation of Ed truly being there.

Sadly there is no trace of him. Her heart breaks just a little. She wanted him to be real.

Ed: Oh M. How are you getting out of this one?

To be continued!


  1. Thats the trouble with daydreams, your inner demons can slip in so easily and derail the whole thing.

    I can relate to you having such eye rolling moments working with younger coworkers, but I'm also clicking with Tanya having these "fight against the clock" moments. Its been more than once I've said ridiculous things to myself like "Orson Welles made Citizen Kane at 25 and Jesus died for our sins at 33, what am I doing with my life now?!"

    Patrick looks like Dean Martin in that tux. I imagine the real Pat is just as cool.

    Eager to see Ed team up with that Quaker Oats guy to save the day!

    1. Yeah, daydreams can quickly get derailed for sure. I don't know how far I want to take this Barbie portion of the story, but I have some fun ideas.

      I like Tanya. She is sort of a combination of some of the younger women I worked with before. Some is exaggerated too. I wanted to be careful with that too because I understand people like Tanya and I feel like it can be easy for someone older to just totally dismiss that but I don't believe in that line of thought.

      Patrick and David both are loosely based on my real friends Patrick and David. I adore them both so much and have no idea what I'd do without them. I also am low on Ken clothes so hence the tux. lol

      It's always nice to see Ed and I would love for there to be a Quaker Oats figure! that would be fun.

  2. The more you do these the more they look like cartoon or live action storyboards. I would love to see these pictures animated with someone reading the various parts of the story. That could be very fun.

    1. Yeah there is certainly a story board element to this. It's like a rough draft of what I would love to make a stop motion or live action show. I have tried to do bubbles with dialogue to make it more like a comic but that is a lot of work and I do not have the time. I would also love to have voices for the dialogue too as it would really change the way the words are. A lot of ideas and goals but for now I don't know what will come to fruition or not. I hope you have been doing well!

  3. poor toy miss m being away from her toy friends is starting to get her closer and closer to winding up put on a toy version of dr. phil. and love patrick and david. david looks like you took a surfer ken doll for him. hope to see more of them.

    1. Hey demoncat! i just realized I did not reply to these comments! I thought I had. I have been so busy with work and everything I have fallen behind. I am glad you enjoyed Patrick and David. They will be making more appearances for sure. I hope all is well!

  4. LOVE THE CLASSIC ED!! (My fave Ed look is the Lego one!)
    You know, your experience selling cosmetics reminds me a bit of the Hell I had to go through with working at DQ!
    Maybe not exactly the same, because you seemed to not be very rebellious! We both worked at an annoying store where everyone talked down to us, where all the kids working there liked us, and the bosses were pissed at us, but the difference between us seems to be I DELIBERATELY pissed the higher ups off! Haha! Plus, I chanced the entire Dairy Queen having a sexual harassment lawsuit brought upon it every time I opened my mouth! Fortunately all the under 21 girls there thought I was funny and I never tried to do anything with them inappropriate, but STILL! It is risky being a big mouth with no filter in those kinds of settings! ( Particularly because, since it was a Dairy Queen IN OHIO I was maybe one of the ONLY NON-Republicans there! Not that I ever wanted to get into talking politics!) speaking of the girls who worked there though, one of them named Kat, I remember, one time told me she loved how crazy I was, and that made her feel more comfortable working there! She was always having so much anxiety about our boss, but me being NUTS and acting like a Warner Bros Cartoon character made her feel more comfortable! So, if I did nothing else, I guess I did help out the little guy (and girl!) at DQ!
    Here is to working at shitty jobs! We fought the law and the law won!! haha!
    Can't wait to see how Barbie M gets out of this!!
    ( She needs to get out of it before you get a Slime Pit! That Barbie Hair won't survive the Slime Pit! Or have I made that joke already? Whatever! If I did, here it is again! )
    Oh, and BTW, I would TOTALLY kiss you with Sour Cream and Onion breath! Those are my favorite Pringles! Any man who says he wouldn't kiss you in that state, really is not much of a man is he?

    1. Hey Nick! I thought I had replied to this but I did not. I love your experiences working at DQ. I would have to say you are far more rebellious than I. I have a bit of rebellion for sure, but yeah. lol

      Sour Cream and Onion chips are the best, no doubt about it. I also have not gotten my hands on a Slime Pit yet but I can assure you, it will not see Barbie M's hair at all. lol