Miss M Presents: The 2016 Conference of Evil!

Dear Diary,

It's that time of year again. The time where people trek from all over the world to share in their love for similar things, like reading manual books on ruling the world or trading rare maps of super hero's lairs or even a place for collectors to come together and see what's the latest in villainous weaponry. It's a big deal. And supposedly I am the guest of honor for this year's Conference of Evil. I'm not quite sure what to think about that. I'm not innocent that's for sure. I left the toy world to face the real world and in my absence there was an apocalyptic nightmare. Everyone hates me as a result. Even after I brought the world back to it's regular balance! They still hate me! And now the villains of the world want to hear me speak. I just don't know diary. I just don't know.

-Miss M

Miss M Presents:

The 2016 Conference of Evil!

Pythona: When the world fell apart I found myself to be a queen. Queen of a waste land. I ushered in a new reign of Cobra! I was the one who was going to make the world a better place. And then that stupid dork girl donned her ridiculous heroic disguise and she fought her way back. I lost my damn hair thanks to some stupid mechanical nun-chuck! That blasted Miss M returned the world to normal! I was going to be free. I was going to rule! And now I'm back in this dump!

Officer Eddie: Pipe down inmate! Or we'll send you to psych.

Pythona screams in annoyance!

Pythona: I shouldn't be back in prison! You all remember this! I was ruling the world! How are we to now go back to the way things were? I was not meant to be in here!

Officer Eddie: I've already told you once inmate!

Pythona: Look into my eyes and tell me that one more time!

Officer Eddie: Your hypnosis won't work on me. Now we either go to psych or you go get some lunch.

Pythona: Fine. I hate this place.

Dr. Blight: Finally, she shut the hell up.

Birdo: I know. I won't be trying to steal her eggs at night. I now have standards.

Dr. Blight: Good for you.

Birdo: I think my boyfriend will be visiting me soon.

Dr. Blight: I don't care. 

Birdo: Geesh. 

Dr. Blight: Do you have any idea what is happening right now?

Birdo: No clue.

Dr. Blight: The 2016 Conference of Evil is going on and I'm not able to attend. I'm stuck here with all the other common and pathetic criminals.

Birdo: Maybe you'll get to go next year?

Dr. Blight: I don't think so. I'm a lifer here.

Birdo: Don't be so sure. We all had a taste of freedom when the world was upside down. We could end up free again.

Dr. Blight: I won't hold my breath.

Birdo: Could I see your burned face again?

Dr. Blight: (pauses) Hmm...

Dr. Blight: There, I'm showing it. Now, as a deal, you give me all your Ecto-Cooler from the commissary.

Birdo: Really? I've waited years for that to come back.

Dr. Blight: Take it or leave it.

Birdo: All right. But I get to touch the burn marks for five minutes.

Dr. Blight: Five, and only five! The damn things I do for Ecto Cooler... 

Inside Miss M's apartment,

Miss M: Have you talked to Bow since returning? 

She-Ra: I saw him at his bar, but that's been it. While I was held captive in space last year he really got closer to Cheetara. Even if I wanted to work on our relationship, it would be of no use. That Pegasus has flown off.

Miss M: Oh She-Ra. I'm so sorry.

She-Ra: Don't cry for me Etheria. I'm doing great. Ever since I came back I've been busy reconnecting with my family. I've been rebuilding my friendships with the girls from the Great Rebellion, It's been great. I will live not having Bow as my one true special friend,

Miss M: I just really loved your love, ya know?

She-Ra: I know. This kinda stuff happens though. You can't base everything off of being a matchmaker. Of course I will now be asking the age old cliche matchmaking question: How was your date with Bruce Wayne? Are you guys a thing again?

Miss M: I don't even know. It's been such a weird time for us. Last year we lost Yvie and I was kinda responsible for writing him out of the universe. Then he lost his mind and got brainwashed by watching this movie named Solaris that I've never heard of. He tried to kill me. We fought. It was ugly. He snapped out of it and then picked me up the other night. We got take-out because I can't go anywhere in public. The world hates me so bad right now She-Ra. I also don't have a job!

She-Ra: I know.

Miss M: No, you really don't. I went to the grocery store because I needed an eye brow pencil, Dr Pepper, and some Bagel Bites. I had some goofy glasses and these giant wax lips on my face. I even painted a fake mole like Cindy Crawford. I didn't look like my usual self. So this guy that I think was Pee Wee Herman, but I'm hoping not because it would be devastating, but he threw egg salad at me! You know I hate eggs because they smell like farts. I had egg all over me. In my hair. I had to throw the wax lips away. It's just been horrible.

She-Ra: Wow. So back to the date.

Miss M: Oh yeah. I get off on a tangent easily these days. Anyways, we had to eat in his Batcave which should be more like his Mancave because there was no furniture aside from a giant computer and a PS4. It smelled like grease, and not the good kind from McDonald's. We didn't know what to really say on account of all the drama we've been through. It was just awkward. We were both missing our daughter. I mean, I don't know that I can be with him.

She-Ra: Are you going to see him again?

Miss M: (speaks bashfully and quickly) Yes. Tomorrow night.

She-Ra: (laughs) I think you'll both be ok.

Miss M: I hope so.

She-Ra: Well this get-together was fun but I need to get going. I'm having family dinner at the castle.

Miss M: Yeah, I need to get going too. I need to get ready for the Conference of Evil, even though I have no idea where it's being held.

She-Ra: So then why go?

Miss M: Because they asked me to be the guest of honor. You create a new more Mad Max-like world just once and the world is ready to paint you as a villain. Villains love me.

She-Ra: Are you sure it's a good idea to go? Bad things usually happen to you at the Conference of Evil.

Miss M: Nah, I'll be fine. Maybe sitting atop the villain food chain is what I need.

She-Ra: You know that is the craziest thing to ever say. You are still a good person M. No matter what the world thinks. Just be careful.

Miss M: I will. See ya later She-Ra!

She-Ra: Yes, of course.

A few moments later,

Miss M: What to wear? What to wear?

Miss M: I don't even have a good villain cosplay look for this darn conference!

Miss M: I need some good evil music to get me in the mood. (turns on Halloween soundtrack)

Miss M: What the hell do I even wear to this Conference of Evil? Everything in my closet is so bright and non evil looking. Except for that one lime green dress that made my great aunt puke at Thanksgiving 1992. Maybe I'll wear that.

Nick Fury: You won't be wearing a thing.

Miss M: Oh my God please don't send the Avengers on me! I promise I was only going to deliver a small professional speech at the Conference of Evil about what it means to be hated by the world and how to rule it. I'm really sweet though!

Nick Fury: Could you be quiet. You aren't going to the Conference of Evil.

Miss M: I'm not? But, I'm the guest speaker!

Nick Fury: No, you aren't. That letter was from me. You are not the guest speaker. I sent the letter to you as a code.

Miss M: A code?

Nick Fury: Yes, a code. I have uses for you Miss M. I sent the letter as a way to be mysterious and secretive about meeting. No offense, but if the world that hates you so much knew we were talking right now, it would not be good.

Miss M: I'm beginning to think none of this is going to be good. 

Nick Fury: Well calm down because I haven't even told you why I'm here yet.

Miss M: So I'm not a guest speaker? We just basically need a special meeting. Is there even a Conference of Evil going on?

Nick Fury: Of course there is, but it has nothing to do with us.

Meanwhile, at the actual Conference of Evil,

Pixel Dude: Hey guys, it's Pixel Dude coming to you live at the 2016 Conference of Evil. We've got four days full of coverage but before we begin, I am here with the master of ceremonies; the ring leader for this year's convention that almost didn't happen. Let's welcome Cobra Commander! How's it going?

Cobra Commander: It's going really well. We've got a good turn out with lots of fun this year.
Pixel Dude: Are the rumors true that this Conference of Evil almost didn't happen?

Cobra Commander: Now where did you hear that? (growls) It is partially true, we had a bit of a scheduling conflict. Originally we were going to have our conference on the west coast but the board and I couldn't secure a prime location. Something about a San Diego Comic Con was already set to be there. Never heard of it!
Pixel Dude: You've never heard of SDCC?

Cobra Commander: No. What do they celebrate? How it's a con to buy comics?

Pixel Dude: Umm, it's short for convention. Not a 'con.'
Cobra Commander: Ha. Wouldn't ya know? When you are evil as me you think everything is a con.

Pixel Dude: Has it been difficult? Not very long ago the world was in shambles and Cobra was in charge leading a movement against Miss M. Now things are back to normal. How are you going to make sure Cobra can come back from this? The public has been saying that Cobra is pretty much done for.

Cobra Commander: Who has said that?! I'll toss them in the Cobra Arena of Sport! Cobra is never done for. We had a taste of true power when the world was different. One of the panels at this conference is to address the ways to bring Cobra back to the top.
Pixel Dude: Any theory on why numbers are down this year?

Cobra Commander: Numbers are perfectly healthy this year.

Pixel Dude: Are you sure? Numbers seem a little low, which would make since due to the super hero called WoW swooping in and locking up a number of villains in the past year.

Cobra Commander: Let me be very clear on this matter. WoW may have captured her share of bad guys. but there will always be evil. There will always be a need for Cobra and there will always be a Conference of Evil!

Cobra Commander storms off.

Pixel Dude: Thank you Cobra Commander. And thank you to the disbanded Foot for allowing their empty Technodrome to be used for this year's event. There you have it folks, there's no escaping evil. Check back for our next segment when I go into the exclusive products for sale at the 2016 Conference of Evil.

At the Conference of Evil entrance,

Moth Lady: Why did I agree to come this year?
Vultura: Because after how disastrous last year's conference was you deserve a chance to truly enjoy this celebration of being bad.

Moth Lady: I gave birth at the conference last year. Can you believe that?

Vultura: No. Luckily you didn't keep that darn brat. Could you imagine having a child?

Moth Lady: (lies) I can't.

Wild One: Hey, where's Dragon Queen? We were all supposed to meet before seeing the Stingers open their set.

Vultura: She's probably running late.

Inside the conference,

Mystery Woman: (speaks with microphone in ear) Ok, I'm in. I just need to figure out where they keep the data of the attendees.

Lo-Pan: Excuse me? Do you know where I could find a girl with green eyes?

Mystery Woman: No. But my internal processing unit tells me you should try a mail order catalog for brides.

Lo-Pan: Ah. That's genius. Why couldn't I think of that? Thank you kindly.

Mystery Woman: No problem.

The mystery woman walks through the crowd.

She passes a regular group of thugs. Focusing on her mission, she dismisses their slight sneers.

Soon the sneers become very vocal taunts.

Brow: Dude, what kind of Baroness cosplay is this? She totally got it wrong.

Hammer: Yeah, the Baroness does not have red hair.

Influence: This is why chicks need to stay out of our realm. They don't even know the source material.

Mystery Woman: (buzzes in her microphone) I need to move fast. These tools think I'm wearing incorrect cosplay. If they only knew I'm in the real suit. I was only trying to blend in... it won't be pretty if the bad guys find out the truth...

Mystery Woman: (hears enough of the verbal assault) Is there something you'd like to say to my face?

Brow: Yeah, you don't know your villains very well! What an inexperienced wannabe villain. Weak.
Hammer: Whats next, you'll try to do a gender swapped Destro?
Brow: Yeah, delivering your Feminazi message upon us! That's propaganda of the lowest order!

Influence: Actually a hot chick version of Destro would be cool.
Hammer: Yeah, maybe so but only hot. Destro could never be a girl.
Brow: I heard whispers that he had thought about transitioning...

Mystery Woman: Do you ever worry about yourselves? (points at Brow) Man with the severely wrinkled brow, my internal processing unit tells me that your premature aging can be fixed with Botox. (looks towards Hammer) My internal processing unit also tells me that your facial tattoo is dated while already being perfected by Mike Tyson. (Narrows in on Influence) Finally man in the green suit, according to my fiber optics you have a spider crawling on you. It looks poisonous. Have a nice day.

In other parts of the conference,

Vultura: Hey! There's Dragon Queen!
Wild One: Oh, and she brought a friend.

Dragon Queen: Hey girls. Look who I found waiting in line for a snow cone!

Dragon Queen: My old friend and partner in pillaging: Barbarocious.

Barbarocious: Hello. It's a devilish conference this year, isn't it?

Dragon Queen: Come on, let's go listen to the Stingers play.

Vultura: You coming Moth Lady?
Moth Lady: Yes.

Vultura: You ok?

Moth Lady: That Barbarocious woman, something was off.

Vultura: Oh come on, she seems cool.

Moth Lady: (whispers to herself) She has the scent of the creature I gave birth to all over her. Why is that?

Back to the Mystery Woman,

Mystery Woman: I've found it.

Mystery Woman: What kind of ladder is this?

The Mystery Woman crawls up the weird ladder.

Mystery Woman: Ok, I'm almost there.

Mystery Woman: (buzzes in her ear) Can you hear me? I need to know what I should look for next.

Mystery Woman: Ok, I've reached my destination. I need more information. (pauses as the voice speaks from the microphone) Got it. I'm going to hack the system in 2.5 seconds.

Mystery Woman: Oh no. There's been a pause in the download.

Baroness: Stop right there.

Cobra Commander: She really did steal your suit. Why is that?

Baroness: That's a good question. I walked into my dressing room and I saw her slipping into my suit. Before I knew it she had be knocked out and tied up.
Cobra Commander: Who are you?

Mystery Woman: Don't make me hurt you.

Baroness: Oh no, we're doing the hurting.

Baroness: No one makes a fool of me!

Mystery Woman: Stay back!

Baroness: No.

Baroness: Why is she spazzing out?

The Mystery Woman makes sudden jerks and electric buzzes from her mouth.

Quickly launching herself up, the Mystery Woman slams Baroness into the wall.

A little slow from her reboot, the Mystery Woman feels an arm wrap around her. Cobra Commander flings her across the room.

The sound of crackling electrical pieces whir in the air.

Baroness: She was wearing a cheap wig!

Cobra Commander: Who is this?

Mystery Woman: My name is Glitter.

Baroness: That's a stupid name. You're nothing but a robot! Cobra Commander, get her!

Glitter: I've told you both already!

Glitter: Don't make me hurt you.

Glitter: Glitter bomb!

A gravitational force of sparkly shards appear in around Glitter's hand.

She unleashes the glitter bomb in the air temporarily blinding and stunning the villains!

Glitter: (speaks to the voice in her ear) Brian, come in. Are you there?

Brian: I'm here! I lost contact with you. What happened?

Glitter: My cover was blown. I have to leave.

Brian: What about the information?

Glitter: My download was interrupted. We'll have to find the locations of Derek and Jason some other way. I'll meet you at base.

Brian: Cool. Love you my super sexy robot.

Glitter: I love you too my vixen VHS tape dealer. As for our dear friends, we'll be reunited soon.

Glitter quietly leaves the Conference of Evil as if she was never there.

Back at Miss M's apartment,

Miss M: So... You want me to join a rag tag team of super heroes to save the world from new threats of evil. Don't you already have a team for that?
Nick Fury: I did. Now that the Avengers are all busy starring in movies and sharing their stories with the world, S.H.I.E.L.D. has noticed a huge gap in forces ready and able to stop the latest threats. Your work as WoW has been wonderful. We need that kind of help. Except there's one problem.

Miss M: (shrugs) What's that?

Nick Fury: The world hates you.

Miss M: They hate Miss M. They don't hate my alter ego WoW. They don't even know we're one in the same.

Nick Fury: Except that they potentially could. Super heroes are outed all the time. Most manage to survive with their heroic careers in tact. If the world found out that WoW was indeed you, there'd be riots. So phase one of our plan is to get you back into the good graces of society again.

Miss M: I think that is impossible.

Nick Fury: No, nothing is impossible. We are going to get the world to fall in love with you all over again.

Miss M: Ok. That sounds awesome, but what do I need to do? Save some kids from a megalomaniac? Or find a solution to the economy? I mean just tell me!

Nick Fury: We're going to put you in front of the camera.

Miss M: The camera? I don't do reality television.

Nick Fury: This isn't reality television. My friend is directing quite possibly one of the most important films ever to be made and you are going to have a role in it. This movie will be a huge hit. The audience will eat it up and with your association with it, they'll have no choice but to embrace you again.

Miss M: Well, I mean, I do know how to act. I once took acting classes when I was 13. I did a play in a mall food court.

Nick Fury: That sounds horrible.

Miss M: It wasn't that bad. Ok, so what movie will I be in?

Nick Fury: You will be helping bring the cinematic vision of Jaws 5 to the big screen.

Miss M: Jaws 5!? There's going to be a Jaws 5!?

Nick Fury: Yes, and you will have a part in it.

Miss M: Oh. My. Goodness. This plan is perfect! I'm gonna be in Jaws 5! Best. Idea. Ever!

Or is it?

Check in next time as Miss M heads to the set of Jaws 5!
Oh, some other really cool stuff happens too.

Before that happens though, there will be just one thing to discuss before then. Diary of a Dorkette turns 5 tomorrow! I don't know what I'm going to write about, but I have to say something on the matter. Take care everyone!