March 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

Previously on Diary of a Dorkette...

A deal made with Maleficent turned tragic for our lovely heroine as Miss M returned from the After Life into a body that was not her own. (Instead she was found to be inside the body of Moth Lady from Galoob's Golden Girl!) Doing her best to reunite with her lover Michelangelo, Miss M was jolted by the reality that her love did not believe she was actually back from the dead. Homeless and adrift with uncertainty of her future, Miss M plotted her next steps...

Meanwhile, the pirate Sea Hawk was held captive by the Rat King, only to be taken by Two Bad and brought to... Snake Mountain?!

The Cat Ladies (a team up of all the ferocious feline women of pop culture lore) decided that they needed to investigate the details about Miss M's murky death.

Finding a way to save the Diary, April O'Neil called upon old friend Irma Langinstein to try and find a way to save the beloved periodical before having to file Chapter 11!

And now, click below to find out who makes the spot for the March 2014 Bodacious Baddie!




Waking from her new resting place under a bridge, Miss M peeks her head out to see the sun shining bright on her.

Miss M: Ugh. It's a whole new day. I have no home. The love of my life thinks I'm a kook. I have no job. No food. I'm so hungry.

A giant roach approaches from under the bridge.

March 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

Miss M: (continues) And I have somehow made friends with a roach; the most evil of creatures. Oh my goodness. My life.
Roach: Moth Lady, do you require sustenance? It is my job to honor and serve the wicked winged witch of the night.
Miss M: (sighs) Yeah, but it's daytime. And I don't know who this Moth Lady really is, but I'm not a witch. I'm just a... (pauses) I don't even really know what I am anymore, but I know that I would rather be called Miss M than Moth Lady. Got it?
Roach: Whatever is your wish milady. I serve only you. I feel you tickle my brain with your every thought. I can only serve you, and you alone.

Miss M: (rolls her eyes) That's great. Just great. Ya know, if this were a different time and I wasn't living under a bridge, I'd probably have killed you by now.
Roach: Ho-ho-ho. A lofty goal I am sure, but you must know a secret of my kind. We can never die.
Miss M: You're tellin me.
Roach: Since we are bonded by your innate connection to all insectoid life, you will never harm me as I will never harm you. I am here to serve you. Protect you. Do you require sustenance?
Miss M: No, not right now. I'm actually interested in learning more about you. Since we're magically bonded like some spirit animal thing, I suppose that is something that would make sense; learning more about you. Where are you from?

Roach: (points to a dank corner under the bridge) I was hatched out of the nest egg over there. My brothers and sisters saw our mother get squashed by a drunken pedestrian. Most of my siblings scattered to parts unknown. Our father was a glutton, always hopping from dumpster to dumpster. I mostly grew up alone here. I was friends with a homeless man named Phil. I don't know what became of him. And then there was you, the glorious Moth Lady.

Miss M: (listens with a sense of curiosity) Tell me a little bit more about how we met.
Roach: Don't you remember?
Miss M: (shrugs) I only sort of remember. It's been a long few days. Please refresh my memory. (She wants to know more about the past her new body had before)
Roach: Sure milady. It was a chilly night. I was trying to seek shelter and the warmth of a home with good leftovers in the garbage. I stumbled upon one such home as if it was calling me. I heard this voice, very clear in the night. That is when I met you and the rest of the followers of the Dragon Queen.

Miss M: Dragon Queen?

Roach: But of course. A ragtag group of evil warrior women were living in this dorky girl's house and I became friends with them. We terrorized the dorky girl until you and I made a break for it to see the world. We met all kinds of insects along the way and even developed our own insectoid army that went into a great battle against some warrior woman sharing a similar look as She-Ra.
Miss M: Oh wow. You know a lot of things.
Roach: Yes. And then we lost our way from the others and you became a heavy drinker. I found you on the floor. You weren't breathing and then suddenly you weren't there anymore. Like you floated away to another world. I'm just glad I found you again and brought you back to our home. Now here you are, awake again full of life.
Miss M: Yeah. Wow. This is so crazy. I think I am hungry now.

Roach: Great! I can go whip something up. Be back in a flash.
Miss M: You're going to cook?
Roach: No. I'm a roach. I'll be dumpster diving for the perfect meal for us. Don't go anywhere.

The Roach leaves.

Miss M: I think I just threw up somewhere in my mouth. (waits for it) Yep. There it is. That grody taste of vomit in the mouth.

Meanwhile...

In April O'Neil's office...

April: Irma! The deadline is right here! At our doorstep. Where in the world is the March Bodacious Baddie at?

Irma: Slow your horses April. Geez. He'll show up. Calm down already. Look, you hired me for this job right? I know what I'm doing!

April: Irma, I can't file Chapter 11. This can't be the last chapter!

Irma: It won't be!

Suddenly, a visitor arrives!

April: Michelangelo, what are you doing here?

Michelangelo: Hey dudettes. April, we need to talk. Some crazy woman came by Miss M's house and she said...

April: (stops the turtle from going further) Mikey, as interesting as this story may be, I have a busy work schedule. Ok? I really need to focus on work. I'll stop by later on tonight with some pizzas, you can tell me all about it then.
Michelangelo: Sha. Yeah right. This is, like, so tubular. You gotta hear me out.
Irma: What I think April is trying to say is that now is not a good time. Come on, I'll walk you out and you can tell me all about it.

Michelangelo and Irma leave as April paces the floor.

April: I can't lose this Diary. I simply can't!

Suddenly, another visitor arrives!

April: Hasn't this happened before? She-Ra, what is it this time?

She-Ra: Look, I know you are busy. But I'm still waiting for the front page cover of the missing ad for Sea Hawk. He still has yet to show up anywhere. We need people to know so they can help locate him.

April: And I told you that you needed to check every bar in the area.
She-Ra: I already have! April, something is seriously wrong.
April: Oh shouldn't you be off celebrating the special She-Ra subscription by Mattel? Who cares about a smelly drunken pirate anyway! Now scootch!

Alone again, April continues to pace.

April: I just don't have time for this! Why even have a Guy Friday if he can't even check people at the damn door!? And more importantly, where is Irma? Why did I even think she could save this damn Diary.

Suddenly, yet another person arrives!

April: Catwoman? I don't know that I feel all right with you being the Bodacious Baddie. Things with you are just murky, they're never clear cut.

Catwoman: Save me for a Woman of Wonderosity. I'm not here for an interview. I'm here to ask some questions of you.
April: Really? Why?
Catwoman: Where were you the night Miss M died?

April: What is this? Murder She Wrote?
Catwoman: The Cat Ladies have formed a meeting. We all believe that Miss M was murdered.
April: (sighs out of annoyance) Of course you all do. Miss M was not murdered. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. She died. There is no reason to bring up the dead. I lost my best friend. Stop this at once Catwoman! I beg of you. Let the damn dead dork girl rest in peace already. Please! Enough of this.

Catwoman: I understand your feelings April. Know this though, I will help to find out the truth. She wasn't just your friend.

Catwoman quickly leaves a fuming April alone.

April: I don't understand this. And what kind of name is the Cat Ladies? Don't they know how silly they sound?

Suddenly, Irma arrives!

Irma: Hey April. I've got good news. The Bodacious Baddie is in the building!
April: Thank God. I was beginning to think he'd never show up. All right, now who is it?
Irma: Well... I pulled some strings. Now, say hello to the most vile and bodacious baddie to ever cross the Diary: The Unnamed One!

Both women look into the face of pure bodacious badness as shivers run down their spines.

April: Ok Irma. This interview is on you. Take it away!

Meanwhile, in another dastardly evil section of the world...

Skeletor: Ahh these miserable pea brain fools! Who would think it wise to bring me a pirate?

Two Bad: We're both sorry Lord Skeletor. We thought you'd like having him as a prisoner.

Skeletor: What is this smelly drunken pirate going to do for me? Look at him! He's passed out! What sort of leverage do you think I have with him? Hmm?

Two: I'm not really sure Lord Skeletor.

Skeletor: (points towards Sea Hawk) I mean, who is this?
Bad: He looks pretty important.

Evil-Lyn: (points) But he's just a raggedy man!
Skeletor: Let me look at him.

Evil-Lyn: Skeletor, we should just dump him in the sewers.
Skeletor: No, not yet Evil-Lyn. Let me try find out where I've placed him before. This pirate might still be of some use to us. Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha!

Meanwhile...

Miss M: Ok, it has been a long time. Where is this darn Roach at? I'm so hungry. So very hungry. Things get desperate when I get hungry. Real desperate.

March 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

Up next!

Will Miss M find something to eat?
What lengths will April go to in order to save Diary of a Dorkette?
And... a POPingly grand celebration!