May 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Dear Diary,

So apparently living at Wayne Manor is the best thing ever. Alfred makes amazing breakfast. His egg-less omelets are perfect for a girl like me that loathes eggs. I didn't even think an omelet could be egg-less! And Bruce, well, Bruce is a real peach. I mean who knew Batman could be such a gentleman?! I've gone from the After Life, to living under a bridge with a roach, to now guest staying at the Wayne Manor! And Diary, I think I might actually tell him the truth. The whole truth and nothing but. I feel like he would believe my crazy journey and understand that I am trapped in the wrong body. He is willing to give me a chance and that's all I've ever asked for. My goodness, it was only a few days ago that I was ready to just jump off a bridge and end it all. Now I have hope. And I have Batman to thank. Of all people! Anyways Diary, I have to get going. I can smell breakfast cooking and it smells divine!

-Miss M

Bruce Wayne: How were your waffles?

Miss M: They were really good. I can't thank you and Alfred enough for such hospitality. I mean, this is all just too much.

Bruce: It's ok. I've actually enjoyed your company and as I said earlier, I want to help you. You seem... happier.
Miss M: I don't know about all of that, but I am feeling better. More hopeful.
Bruce: Good. What are your plans for the day?

Miss M: Well, Alfred was going to teach me how to cook. I only really know how to pick things up from the store.
Bruce: Interesting. I do the same thing actually. Having Alfred around has helped with my diet. His cooking is superb. I would stick around for the cooking lesson, but I have some meetings today.
Miss M: Oh. Like big wheelin' and dealin' meetings? Like rich business guy stuff huh?

Bruce: (smiles) Yeah, something like that. I should actually get going. I'll be back later and maybe we can talk about your next steps.

Miss M: Sure. I'd like that. (Bruce gets ready to leave) Oh, and Bruce?
Bruce: Yes?
Miss M: When you get back, I'd like to talk to you about some personal things. If that's ok?
Bruce: Of course. I would like that very much.

As the two say their goodbyes, Miss M heads off to a cooking lesson while Bruce leaves for his mystery meeting.

Meanwhile in a posh apartment...

Black Cat: Hmm, I think this will be the perfect place for the photo. My party is just going to be the cat's meow. (takes a seat to luxuriate in her posh pad)

Black Cat: This is truly the life. I just need some snacks and a Blu Ray player. Ohh, maybe there are some Sex and the City reruns on E!

As she tries to find some snacks, Black Cat soon gets a visitor! Why, it's the friendly neighborhood...

May 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Spider-Man: Hey Felicia.

Black Cat: Oh wow, if it isn't my on-again off-again boyfriend, Spider-Man! Tell me darling, are we on or off right now? If we are on, I have some things I need you to fix around here.
Spider-Man: That's a tricky question. I was just swinging by. I've actually got to head off in a minute. I'm going to be interviewed for some blog called the Diary of a Dorkette.
Black Cat: How cool! You're going to be a Heroic Hottie?
Spider-Man: I think so. What does that mean?
Black Cat: It means you're hot. Silly.
Spider-Man: Heaven forbid they get that wrong.

Black Cat: Look, I'm having a party soon and I really need your eyes on my wall.
Spider-Man: Your wall?
Black Cat: Is that a problem?
Spider-Man: Can I just ask you, do they ever get cold?
Black Cat: My walls?
Spider-Man: The kittens.
Black Cat: Well, I do know a way they could stay warm...

Spider-Man: Gulp. That's not why I stopped by, though can I just say... meow?
Black Cat: Are you going to help me with my wall?
Spider-Man: Sure.
Black Cat: Good. I need this picture hung. On my wall. Think you can handle that?

Spider-Man: I can certainly try. (looks at the picture) Hey, did you steal that from the museum?
Black Cat: (looks innocent) I plan on returning it...

Spider-Man: Felicia.

Black Cat: Don't give me that look! Help me hang the damn photo. It's wonky. I want to class this joint up.

Meanwhile at the offices of Diary of a Dorkette...

April: Irma, are you still waiting?
Irma: Yeah. The May 2014 Heroic Hottie was supposed to be here already.

April: He'll show up. If you'll excuse me though, my noon meeting is waiting for me. We'll catch up soon, yes? Maybe over fun festive drinks?

Irma: Sure. Festive drinks are always fun with you. Although I think my liver might want water. We've been going out a lot lately, ya know?
April: Oh come on! Your liver is like the Wolverine of organs. It'll be just fine.
Irma: I don't think it works like that.
April: Don't worry. We'll get you a virgin. Drink. A virgin drink.

April walks off to her office.

April: Bruce Wayne. As I live and breathe. What can I help you with?
Bruce Wayne: I'm here to talk to you about your friend Miss M.
April: (pauses slightly) Why would you want to talk to me about her?
Bruce: Because she is staying with me at my manor. I'm worried about her state of mind.

April: Well Mr. Wayne, that is impossible. She can't be staying with you and her state of mind does not exist anymore. She's dead.
Bruce: Excuse me?
April: Miss M died last December in an explosion in the Turtle Sewer Lair. She was a damn good journalist too.

Bruce: If she's dead, than who is living with me?

April: (hands a file to Bruce) This woman. Her name is Moth Lady. She runs around with an evil group of barbarians led by the Dragon Queen and they have caused quite a ruckus across the world. I am not sure why Moth Lady has settled in this city and has been masquerading as my dearly departed friend, but she has already caused problems for us. Now it seems like she might be posing problems for you...

Bruce: The woman living with me right now does not strike me as a villainous barbarian. I found her on the verge of committing suicide.
April: Maybe she's just acting out? I don't understand why you'd open your door to her.
Bruce: I don't know. Something about this woman strikes me. I just didn't know that Miss M was dead.
April: Mr. Wayne, if I were you, I'd kick that woman out of your house. There is no good that could come from her.
Bruce: I'll take your word for it. Listen, is there anyone else who really knew Miss M when she was alive?

April: (turns to do some other work) Sure. Her boyfriend, Michelangelo.
Bruce: Great. Thanks.

April: Wait, why do you ask?

And just like that, Bruce Wayne is gone. April is slightly confused, so she calls for her assistant Guy Friday.

April: Guy Friday! Get me the address to Wayne Manor. I have to visit an impostor...

Meanwhile back to Black Cat's posh apartment...

Black Cat: See, that's simple enough. And you didn't even need to pound a hole in my wall. That sticky web stuff of yours really comes in handy.
Spider-Man: Or you could have gotten a 3M hook and called it a day.
Black Cat: Now where would the fun have been in that? Hmm?
Spider-Man: My spidey senses are tingling.

Black Cat: Oh I can certainly help scratch any itch...
Spider-Man: Now you know we can't do this.
Black Cat: Come on! (bats her eyes seductively) You know we have so much fun together.
Spider-Man: Not like this. You know my position on this Felicia. I'm more than this costume.
Black Cat: Which is why you should take it off. Get more comfortable.

Spider-Man: You always do this. The kittens. The purring. The innuendo. We don't have to always be like that.
Black Cat: Now where's the fun in that?
Spider-Man: It's not always fun Felicia. Why can't we have a serious conversation about us?

Black Cat: Now there's a first. A man who wants to have a serious conversation. I might as well claw my eyes out. Shouldn't you go and swing your way back to MJ?
Spider-Man: You know we aren't together right now.
Black Cat: So you think I don't know why you came swinging by? Come on darling. I know what my role is in this tale.
Spider-Man: And what role is that?

Black Cat: Look at me. I know what you and every other man, and some women, think about me. I'm the toy that you play with; the fantasy you act out all your dirty little thoughts on. I'm not a fool. I know how the world is. I know my place in it!
Spider-Man: I wish you could see what I see. You are so much more than just some kittens in a jumpsuit.
Black Cat: All this from a man in a skin tight costume. We all hide behind things Peter.

Spider-Man: And you don't have to hide from me. Felicia, I care about you. And not just for your hotness. I think we all know you have that covered, or not covered as the case might be. You are an intelligent woman with a biting wit that keeps me on my toes. You also have a caring heart that always does the right thing.
Black Cat: You think I have a heart? And that I do the right thing?

Spider-Man: Well yeah, when you aren't stealing priceless artwork from the museum that is.
Black Cat: I plan on returning it!
Spider-Man: See what I mean? You do have a heart.

Black Cat: I'm scared. I'm not good with all... (motions her hands between them) this.
Spider-Man: Neither am I. We both have miserable track records.
Black Cat: And we rely on costumes a little too much.
Spider-Man: Are you saying you'd actually give dating the real me a chance?
Black Cat: I don't know what I'm saying.

They both look at each other longingly...

Each one hoping to knock their walls down and be honest with each other. Black Cat turns away.

Black Cat: I need to get ready. I'm having a party and a group of us are going to some place called Snake Mountain.
Spider-Man: (feels defeated) Oh. Yeah. I've heard of that place.
Black Cat: Besides, you're late for your interview.
Spider-Man: I guess I am. Just promise me you'll be careful.
Black Cat: Sure thing. Now would you go already, I have no more use for you.
Spider-Man: Nah, you'll always have a use for me.
Black Cat: Trust me, I can handle plenty of things on my own.
Spider-Man: Sure, like hanging stuff on your wall. (shakes his head) I'll talk to you later.
Black Cat: Would you go already!

Spider-Man: Fine! Bye Felicia! Ba-da-bum. (Spider-Man quickly swings away)

Black Cat: (looks out in her empty room with sadness) Bye Peter.

Meanwhile at Wayne Manor...

Miss M: (heads to front door) Don't worry Alfred! I can answer it! You just keep getting the kitchen prepped for my cooking lesson!

M opens the door and finds her friend April staring at her with anger on her face.

Miss M: April! What are you doing here?!

April: I'm here to talk to you. I know all about you and the group you run around with. You might think you can dupe rich socialite Bruce Wayne, but I'm not going to let you get away with this!
Miss M: I don't understand, why is this your concern?
April: It concerns me when people pretend to be my dead friend.

Miss M: For the last time, I am really M. I came back to life in this body...
April: Shut up! You are a crackpot!
Miss M: (feels Moth Lady unraveling in their shared mind) I think you need to leave.
April: This isn't your mansion. You are not the lady of the manor bitch!

Miss M: (snaps her head around) Stop. Please leave. I'm losing control!

In a fit of exhaustion, Miss M looses her guard and Moth Lady regains control of her body.

Moth Lady: (snarls) Stupid dork girl. She's too weak!

April: (in shock) What just happened to your voice?
Moth Lady: I'm free. Welcome to the sound of freedom, and I'm ready to let it ring!

Moth Lady hisses before lunging at April. Screams echo throughout Wayne Manor...

Meanwhile at Miss M's old house...

Michelangelo: Could you explain to me why you are here again Mr. Wayne?
Bruce: You can call me Bruce. I wanted to ask about your girlfriend Miss M.
Michelangelo: Dude, why would you kick a bro down like that? Can't you see that I'm, like, totally grieving?
Bruce: I mean no offense. It's just that I am trying to learn more about her. Someone I know was personally affected by her loss.

Michelangelo: Dude, we all were. Miss M was one of a kind.
Bruce: Did she ever have any enemies? Someone that would want to steal her life?
Michelangelo: That's a gnarly question to ask. I think you should totally leave rich white dude.

Bruce: Why does everyone keep freaking out about this woman?

Michelangelo: Look dude, unless you are a ninja turtle or the pizza delivery dude, I don't want the bogus turd you're sellin.

Bruce: All right. I'm leaving. (his ear buzzes) I need to take this call on my Bluetooth anyway.

Walking outside, Bruce clicks on his mobile device.

Bruce: This is Bruce Wayne.
April: Mr. Wayne?
Bruce: April O'Neil? Why are you on my phone?
April: I think you need to come home. Quickly. Something has happened...

Meanwhile back at the Diary of a Dorkette office...

Spider-Man: (hums) Let's see, how late can I really be?

Spider-Man: Everyone is late these days. I think I'll just sneak on in...

Spider-Man slides right in, hoping to go unnoticed.

Irma: Excuse me!

Spider-Man: (jumps) Whoa, I didn't do it! I swear.

Irma: Were you here this whole time? I've been waiting for you!
Spider-Man: Yeah, things get tough being a super hero, yada yada. I was swinging from the roof tops. You know the drill.

Irma: Oh I totally get the drill. (stares at him intently)

Spider-Man: You ok?

Irma: Oh yeah. You just seem skinnier in person. I thought you'd be, ya know, a little bigger. You're so... scrawny.

Spider-Man: Aww man, does this mean I can't be the Heroic Hottie anymore?

Irma: Nah, I'm sure someone out there thinks you are hot.
Spider-Man: (thinks of a special someone) I sure hope she does...

May 2014 Heroic Hottie!

But wait! There's one more extra scene!

Bruce: Explain to me what happened. Why did you come to my house?
April: Look, I had my reasons. I came to confront the lady pretending to be my friend. Something happened, something went terribly wrong.

Bruce: What? Tell me!

April: She... just... snapped. I don't understand what happened. Her voice changed. She started talking about how she was free and back in control. She tried to attack me, but your butler rushed in trying to stop the madness.

Bruce: Where is Alfred?
April: They took him to the hospital. He was wounded by the Moth Lady.
Bruce: I don't get it, she seemed so calm. Where is she?

April: (pauses for dramatic effect) The authorities took her.
Bruce: Is she at the precinct?

April: (shakes head slowly) No. The authorities took her to... Arkham Asylum...

Dun-Dun-Duuun!

Find out what happens next when Miss M enters Arkham Asylum!