Date a Dorkette!

Dear Diary,

While I view myself as a cool gal above the trappings of a happily-ever-after sort of life, I do sometimes fall for the idea of love. It's been that way my entire life. I've always wanted to have that one special person in my life that would be with me, side by side, no matter what. I thought I had that with Michelangelo. He was my party turtle. It didn't work out though. I've also had some ups and downs with Batman aka Bruce Wayne. I don't even know what to make of that. Of course there's Ed. But he's dead. So... I have taken my hand at online dating. I've already been on a few dates that have yielded nothing. I then gave up a bit and focused on being a hero and helping people. Now I'm taking a break from helping to make the city safe and I'm going to work on my heart! Wish me luck diary, more dates begin now!

-Miss M

Editor's note: The dates you are about to read about are based off of real life events. Enter with caution.

Date 1

Hammer: (20 minutes into a long winded one sided conversation) That's the thing I love most about my job. I just put them to sleep, make sure their vitals are good, and I'm usually done by noon. I then like to go play some golf or meet my buddies for drinks. I try to stay away from trouble, if you know what I mean. Haha.
Miss M: Sorry. I really don't. (sighs)

Hammer: Yeah. Well. What do you like to do for fun?

Miss M: Umm, I usually stalk toy aisles in stores and read comics.
Hammer: Seriously? You read comics?

Miss M: Yes.

Hammer: I didn't think they made comics for adults. That's interesting.

Miss M: It's not that interesting. It's just a comic.

Hammer: Which comics do you like to read?
Miss M: I usually stick with comics that follow the lives of the X-Men.

Hammer: What are X-Men?

Miss M: (nearly chokes) You don't know who the X-Men are?
Hammer: Should I?
Miss M: Well, no, but it's the X-Men. They are mutants. There are numerous movies about them. I've never met anyone in my age bracket that does not know who the X-Men are.

Hammer: Oh wait, isn't that the one with the hot naked blue chick?
Miss M: Yes. That's Mystique.
Hammer: Yeah, she's pretty hot. Do you ever get naked and paint yourself blue?
Miss M: No. That's messy.
Hammer: I think it'd make you hotter.

Miss M: And you know what would make you hotter?

Hammer: (smiles) What?

Miss M: Having a clue about comics.

Date 2

Miss M: I have to tell you, I am just thrilled that we are meeting. After the messages we shared on the dating site, I just had so much fun! Those were some dorky cool creative conversations.
Snake: Me too. I thought your witty remarks for the perfect date involving video rentals, snacks, and horror movies was the best thing I'd heard in years. Ever since all I've wanted to do is watch horror movies with you.

Miss M: Oh my gosh, it's like you were plucked from the stars for me.
Snake: Right. I have to admit something to you though, I have an addictive personality.
Miss M: Well I mean, don't we all? That's ok.

Snake: Actually it's not. This dating thing is new for me. I told myself I'd never be open to the possibility of love since Karen and I ended things. My God she was the greatest woman I've ever known. She was my soulmate. She is my soulmate.

Miss M: Umm. I'm confused. Are you sure you want to watch horror movies with me?
Snake: No, I'm sorry. Ignore what I'm saying. Karen is out of the picture.
Miss M: Did she die? It sounds like something sad happened...
Snake: No, she's alive. We just can't be together. It's not good when we are together. We both love heroin too much.
Miss M: What? Did you say heroin like the drug, or heroine, like a hero that is also a female?

Snake: I meant the drug. Heroin and I go way back. I'm on an upswing though. I've been off the stuff for a year and I'm no longer living under a bridge, though I haven't had running water for a few months...
Miss M: I had maybe thought so. I just figured you were wanting to smell like Stinkor.
Snake: Who is that?
Miss M: Listen, I think you are an incredible guy. I also am well aware that you have been through some stuff no doubt, and I commend you for that.
Snake: Yeah...

Miss M: I just don't think this is going to be a good thing. I've never touched a drug and while I believe you will more than likely never touch heroin again, the fact that you have someone you consider to be a soulmate, no matter how toxic she might be when with you... I come from a long line of experiences where men have put their exes before me. I don't want that for myself.

Snake: I understand.

Miss M: At least we got to write the perfect date though, right? (sighs to herself) Right.

Date 3

Irvine: My issue is that I don't like to be bored. Ever. I once dated a girl for three weeks and she was so boring. Even the lovemaking was boring.
Miss M: Heaven forbid.

Irvine: I know. So, your profile seemed really interesting. What do you like to do for fun? Do you like to skydive? Or bungee jump?

Miss M: Who me? Oh no. I don't jump out of planes.

Irvine: Well what makes you stand out? What do you have that will possess a man to go on the ride of his life?

Miss M: Ummm... I talk to toys. I've been systematically attacked by a horde of roaches. I'm always hitting my head in weird situations. I have a very fun life.

Irvine: Yeah. It sounds like it. You're kinda weird. I think that's cool.

Miss M: You do?

Irvine: Sure. (looks away) What in the world is that?
Miss M: (sighs) Please don't be a really hot woman. (turns around) Is that guy dressed as a zombie?
Irvine: Why is he in here dressed like a zombie?

Miss M: Should we leave? Is this one of those ambush things...
Irvine: Just ignore him.

Miss M: Oh my, he's coming this way.

Zombie Dave: Hey guys. Mind if I sit with you two?
Irvine: Sure.
Miss M: Umm, we were kinda...

Zombie Dave: Are you two on a date?
Irvine: Nah, we were just talking. Please, sit.

Miss M: Oh. This wasn't a date then...
Zombie Dave: Man I tell ya, it's rough being a zombie.

Irvine: Really, how so?

Miss M: What is happening right now?

Zombie Dave: So here's the thing, being a zombie is rough because the image that the media puts out there of zombies is just unflattering. Sure I have a need. A hunger. I eat brains. I mean, come on. It's a part of my life I can't change.

Miss M: I mean why would you, right?
Zombie Dave: Right. See you get it. And I must say, you've got one of the sexiest voices I've ever heard.

Miss M: Gulp.

Irvine: Ha. So, you like to eat people?

Zombie Dave: Oh yeah. I'd eat just about everyone in here. (talks to Irvine) You look a little lean, but zombies aren't picky. (looks at Miss M) I must say though, I'd really enjoy eating you.

Miss M: Oh my goodness. What does one even say to that? I mean come on.

Zombie Dave: Anyways, I like to come to this restaurant. I usually pick up take out. It's hard to sit here like a civilized person. People like to stare. I like to eat them.

Miss M: How ever do you make it?
Zombie Dave: Well that's the thing. My fellow zombie friends, we're all trying to band together and fight for our rights to exist with everyone else.
Miss M: How noble of you.

Zombie Dave: Yeah. Zombie rights. It's the next frontier. So umm, are you sure you two aren't on a date?
Irvine: Nah, we aren't on a date. Do you smoke? (prepares to light a cigarette)

Zombie Dave: Hell no, that shit is nasty.
Miss M: Yeah. This is something else.

Zombie Dave: Well, I should probably get going. Little lady, it was nice sitting across from you. My God you are beautiful. I'm on twitter. Look me up sometime.
Miss M: Ok.
Irvine: Nice meeting you man.

Zombie Dave: Sure thing. You two have a nice night. Thanks for the chit chat. (shuffles off)

Irvine: Holy shit. What was that? Did you know that guy?
Miss M: No, I had no clue who he was. I thought maybe you knew him and this was some prank that was about to happen to me.
Irvine: No prank. I've never seen anything like this before.
Miss M: Yeah.

Irvine: You're pretty fun ya know that? Seems like crazy things seem to follow you around.
Miss M: I don't think that has ever happened to me before.
Irvine: We should get together again.

Miss M: (whispers to herself) He only wants to see me again because he thinks there will be zombies and ghouls at every turn.

Irvine: Did you say something?

Miss M: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Well, we'll see about a next time...

Date 4

Bang: I'm glad you gave me a chance. From your own accounts, it sounds like you have been going on some crazy dates.
Miss M: You have no idea.

Bang: I love this place though. I'm glad we are here.
Miss M: Me too. You seem like a really nice guy.
Bang: Oh, I'm not nice. I can be a real dick.

Miss M: I don't think you are supposed to say that. Either way, we've had some nice conversations and you seemed really cool.
Bang: Tell me something, are you more submissive or more dominant in relationships?
Miss M: Umm, neither?

Bang: Come on, you have to be one. It's not possible to be neither.

Miss M: Actually it is. I don't prescribe to the notion that relationships are built on submissive or dominant roles. I believe that people should just be themselves, which can look like a lot of things.

Bang: Ah, you're totally submissive. I can tell.
Miss M: Oh really? Pray tell, how am I submissive?

Bang: Please, you apologize for things you don't need to apologize for. You're completely nervous and it's cute. Besides, you're a woman. All woman like to be told what to do.
Miss M: (eyes nearly bulge out) Oh really?

Bang: Yes really. And if you're good and we make it that far, you'll really like being told what to do in bed.
Miss M: I think I've lost my appetite.
Bang: Oh come on, stop being so uptight. How is your dinner?

Miss M: It's ok. I don't think I can finish it all.
Bang: Was it not good?

Miss M: Oh it was very good, I just can't eat all this bread.
Bang: Mine has been great.

Waiter: Excuse me, I had made a mistake when I said we were out of desserts. We have a few more, so please, take this dessert as a gift from us.

Miss M: Thank you.
Bang: That's pretty cool.

Miss M: I know. (grabs her fork) This looks so good.

Bang: (pulls the plate away) Nope.

Miss M: Excuse me? You aren't going to share?

Bang: Oh I'll share, but first you have to finish everything on your plate.
Miss M: Are you serious?

Bang: (eats the dessert) Yep. You can't have any of this unless you've eaten all your dinner.

Miss M: (sits in shock) Well I guess I won't be eating any dessert.

Bang: Guess not.

Moments later...

Bang: I had a lot of fun.
Miss M: You call that fun?

Bang: Oh I guess someone is being hormonal. Tell ya what, call me tomorrow when you've calmed down.

Miss M: I'm not calling you ever again. This was not my idea of a good time.

Bang: Oh you're one of those women. Act like you are serious about dating someone,
when all you're really interested in is using a man for a free meal. Glad I figured you out now before I wasted anymore time and money on you.

Miss M: Are you serious? How dare you! I was not using you. You are a jerk.

Bang: I'm out. I can see why you're single.

Miss M: Unbelievable. I am so done.

Date 5

Waiter: Miss! It's nice to see you again. Another date?

Miss M: Sadly yes.

Waiter: Is he in the restroom?

Miss M: No, he should be here any moment though.

Waiter: Very well.

Moments later...

Waiter: Is he here yet?

Miss M: I just got a text, he is parking his car now.

Waiter: Very well.

Moments later...

Miss M: How long does it take to park the car?

Waiter: Is everything all right Miss?

Miss M: (looks at phone) Oh, he just texted me. He said he is inside. I let him know where I was sitting. He should be here any second.

Moments later...

Waiter: Miss?

Miss M: Is there a man with black hair and piercing dark eyes wandering around the restaurant? I told him where I was sitting, and he said he couldn't find me. Is there another Tres Bliss?

Waiter: No, we are the only location.

Miss M: I just don't understand, we both discussed this place, he was texting me to say he was here... (pauses) Oh. This was a set up. I've been tricked. Why would someone do that?

Waiter: I don't know Miss.
Miss M: I'll have my check please for my Dr. Pepper.

Waiter: It's ok Miss. It's on the house. You were stood up.

Miss M: Thank you.

Outside...

Miss M: (on wireless phone call) Hey Billy, it's M. I know you have been busy, but I really need to talk with you. I have been on the worst string of dates in my entire life. The staff at Tres Bliss probably think I'm an escort since I've been there so much with all these dates. I just need a fellow single person to commiserate with. Anyways, I hope you are doing well. Call me when you can. Bye!

Miss M: This whole dating thing is for the birds. It just really is.

Suddenly Miss M hears a roar...

Miss M: Oh please. Please. I don't want to be killed.

Miss M: Oh. My. Goodness. Godzilla!
Godzilla: ROAR!

Miss M: Where were you when I needed you last summer? You're like my imaginary boyfriend.

Godzilla: ROAR!!

Miss M: I know. I really need to stop with the online dating. These men are just messy.

Godzilla: ROAR!!!

Miss M: Well of course I'd date you, but come on, this conversation is just going on in my brain right now.

Godzilla: Roar.

Miss M: Thank you though. It means a lot that you'd totally try to make me swoon. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. Ya know? All I want is that one guy with some dorky charm that is just cool and down to Etheria. That's all I want.
Godzilla: RRROOOOAAAAA!

Miss M: Thank you for agreeing. Oh Godzilla. You're like perfect boyfriend material. It's just a shame you knock down buildings with just a swift tail turn. Makes things slightly difficult. Le sigh.

Want to take part in Dating a Dorkette? Have an idea for who Miss M should go on a date with next? Or maybe you have your own dating toy story you'd like to share? Well flex your creative skills and take part in the Dating a Dorkette writing event! Here's how to take part:

1. Simply come up with a dating story involving your favorite toys (even a toy Miss M if you have one) and let the sky be the limit. Once you have created something and have posted it, send me the link and I will have a special post here for all the people who participate.

2. Don't want to do all that stuff but still want to see some dating toy stories go down? Well take part and let me bring it to life. Leave a comment below with the toys you would like to see on a date, a location, and include one other tidbit you feel would make the story fun. I will try and come up with something. (Assuming I have the toys and play sets to do so.)

This will be going on for the month of July, so come on and Date a Dorkette!