Fish Out of Water

Happy Halloween everyone! I hope this day brings forth much candy eating goodness and a few scary stories or two. I was just recently scared by a co-worker. I tend to get lost in thought and before I know it, someone is walking up behind me to say something, which freaks me out and I scream and jump. All the good stuff.

But that is not want I want to talk about. As some of you may know, I went through a recent ordeal of trying to acquire a Pizzazz costume last week. That little recap can be found right here. So my best guy friend's birthday is around Halloween, and every year we have a blast celebrating his birthday. One thing he loves to do every year is attend this block party in Midtown USA. It is quite an interesting night, because all kinds of really cool people show up. There are shiny hipsters. Regular folks who want to get their drink on. Bad ass lesbians. Ghoulishly chic gay men. Costume enthusiasts. All kinds of people show up to this block party and it is just a lot of fun. Great people watching and there are always great costumes. Folks turn it out.

So my excitement involved actually getting the chance to wear my Pizzazz costume. Last year we did this whole steam punk thing, and I ended up looking like a silly bar wench. Not cute. So I was getting ready over the weekend, slipping into the costume. Wearing that iconic green sock on one leg and a garter on the other. I was loving it! I just knew my costume was going to kill it. I had this really awesome smokey eye that was like neon smokey eye for the Pizzazz of the 21st century! I was just loving it. My dream for the night was that I was going to come across a Jem or something.

However, it all went to hell in a hand basket the moment I took the Pizzazz wig out. Oh ya'll. Where do I even begin? My heart sank into a warm pool of mushy goo. That wig was a hot mess. It looked nothing like the picture on the package. The top part looked like it had been ironed and there were just strips of hair and then you would see the netting for the wig cap. It was like Pizzazz had gotten into a cat fight. And lost. Miserably. I didn't know what to do, but all I could scream was, "I can't walk out of the house with this on my head! I will be the laughing stock!" This was not supposed to be happening!

I had no other choice but to remove my Pizzazz costume and quickly change into something else (because I was already running late.) I was heartbroken. So I threw on a low cut bandage dress from Bebe and was off. (I totally kept the green sock and garter on though. Why not, right?)

So I felt like a total loser once I met up with my friends, because they were all, "I thought you were going as Pizzazz?" Or, "What are you supposed to be?" It was a mess. But there was going to be a High Heel Race and a Costume Contest, so I was totally ready to enjoy that and get a good laugh, anything to make the night eventful. So there I was, standing in the cold (in my haste, I forgot a jacket) in sky scraper stilettos just chatting with people and laughing at this drunk flight attendant. (Oh he was a hoot!)

Anyways, the hosts for the High Heel Race and Costume Show were these extravagant drag queens and they were trying to get people to sign up for the festivities. As we were all talking and awaiting everything, this group of people looked over at me and said, "Get up there! Sign up for the High Heel Race!" I wanted to laugh. First of all, I only run if I am being chased or there is a sale. Secondly, I was in 5 inch heels with a platform sole. Really? My goofy ass was going to enter into a High Heel Race? Please.

Then they said, "Girl, there is a cash prize!" How much? "A hundred dollars!" A hundred dollars!? That's a down payment on the new Castle Grayskull! I'll sign up for a hundred dollars! And that is just what I did. I stupidly signed myself up for a High Heel Race that I quickly found out was going to pit me against a bunch of drag queens and one guy dressed like the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland (the Tim Burton version.) I looked back like, "I gotta go. I can't do this." But damn that hundred dollars was calling my name! And not for nothing, I practically came out of the womb in heels, so this would be a piece of cake. Right?

So the race was about to begin, and this is why it is important to pay attention to the things that people say. There were going to be two races. The first race would be for the drag queens and the second race would be for anyone who was in a costume. I did not know this. So I headed towards the starting line with the drag queens.

As I was walking towards the starting line, this lovely old gay gentleman shouts out at me, "That's a fish! She's fish! She's cheating! We have a cheater! She's not supposed to race yet!" He was trying to get the crowd's attention. My heart stopped. All I could think was that an angry mob of gay men were going to come after me for trying to cheat at a race. So I looked at him like I was dumb and just kept going. Listen ya'll, a hundred dollars was at stake here ok? I had no other choice!

Well the starting line was something else. Every drag queen there had to be over six feet tall and all I could do was look up at everyone towering over me. At this point I really should have just given up. I mean what was I thinking? (I was thinking that I want that damn Castle Grayskull, and if anything the spirit of She-Ra would get me through this.)

One of the drag queens looked me up and down and gasped, "Hey wait a minute! No fair. You are used to being in heels!" I just tried to look innocent. I mean what the hell was I going to do? Then another drag queen spoke up, "I'm just letting you all know, I will push and shove." I was assuming that was a joke, but all I could think was Oh She-Ra get me through this! She-Ra, just get me through this! Not wanting to play the girl card, but I wanted to be like, "Hey, I know we are all ladies up here, but I am a real lady and I will not be getting hurt for this!"

So the countdown was set, and the starting line ribbon was yellow crime scene investigation tape. Really? This was not boding well for me. It was time. The countdown was done and we were off to the races. The crowd was screaming. I felt like the last kart in a game of Mario Kart. Everyone just took off like a bat out of hell. I tried to keep up, I really did.

Then it got crunk, because one of the contestants shoved (like she said she would) and a drag queen went down right in front of me. I screamed, "This just became an obstacle course!!!" I sidestepped the drag queen and was comforted with the fact that I would at least come in next to last place. Oh my goodness, that race was a mess. I couldn't run in five inch heels! Had this been a horror movie, Jason would have already gotten me. The saddest thing was that the fallen drag queen actually ended up passing me. F my life.

Once I finally rounded the damn corner (the track was a simple oval shape, think Baby Park on Mario Kart) and caught up to the finishing line, I thought that would be it. But no. I had to join the second race. So all I could think was, "Well the drag queens are done. It will just be me and the old Mad Hatter man. Surely I would win that! But the second race basically became the first race all over again, only with the inclusion of the Mad Hatter. By this point I could hardly breathe.

The countdown occurred yet again, and like before, everyone just took off. I personally do not understand how those drag queens could do it. I was so far behind, just completely behind. They could have lapped me had this been multiple laps. Anyways, I was ready to give up and forget the damn finish line, when all of a sudden, the crowd completely started cheering for me! I heard people scream, "Get it fish! Get it fish!" There were people standing there with their hands out, waving and high-fiving me on!

By this point I was mostly at a brisk trot, running had all but ended at the starting line. The crowd kept telling me, "You can do it!" And I kept shaking my head screaming, "But I can't! It's that damn McDonalds! I eat too many french fries!" Oh goodness it was a mess. I mean it is hard to run in 5 inch heels in a skin tight dress with a low cut in the front. I mean my top area was jiggly and bouncy. It was not cute. This was not Baywatch material, ok? I looked like a hot mess, and for what? I didn't even stand a chance against those drag queens. The Mad Hatter had given up right at the start. He was smart. But no one can say I didn't try. Right?

So anyways, after the High Heel Race debacle, I made it back to my friends. They were all laughing with me (or was it at me?) and really just in awe that I had actually tried to run like that in heels. One friend was like, "I've never seen you do anything physically active before! This was great!" I mean, I'm not that lazy people! Anyways, one sweet guy from the crowd came up to me and was like, "I just want you to know, I was rooting for you! I really wanted you to win, I always like rooting for the underdog." I smiled and simply said thanks. I am always the underdog. But at least I am the underdog in the cute shoes, even if I went home that night with a sore ankle and freezing cold skin.

I wish I could say I had some pictures to share of my awesome Pizzazz costume. But all I got for ya'll is my little story involving a fish out of water, trying to win some money so her She-Ra figures can have a home. A mess. Anyways, I hope you all have a very nice Halloween. Take care and keep it here! There are always really fun things just around the corner!