Having the title of Heroic Hottie is a dubious honor. So far, 2012 has been a banner year for our favorite pieces of beefcake. For instance, I just recently got word that Fantomex (our April HH) lost his actual skin and is just hotter than ever! (Rumor has it he is even in love with a certain female ninja.)
So this month I wanted to bring forth a throwback to a simpler time. When men weren't wearing any pants, and it was perfectly legal. A time when having a pet dinosaur made all the sense in the world. With a schedule and comeback so blisteringly hot, I felt lucky to sit down with Fred Flintstone at one of his favorite bowling alleys to discuss being a Heroic Hottie, energy efficient cars, and umm... the Mutant Liberation Front? Hold on folks, this is going to be an interesting interview.
Diary of a Dorkette: (after watching Fred bowl a strike) Do you always play with such a big ball?
Fred Flintstone: My lucky rock ball never misses a pin.
Diary: How many lanes have you damaged throughout your bowling past time?
Fred: A few. Ever since the family name became so prominent though, most bowling alleys really make sure to take care of me. Right when they see me coming, they get my special lane ready.
Diary: Prehistorically speaking, your family name has proven to be a hot ticket item. From a hit television series to movies, not counting all the merchandise, the Flintstones name has garnered an impressive net worth. What do you contribute to all that success?
Fred: That's pretty simple Miss M. The Flintstones were the first animated prime time family. Had we not been so beloved, do you really think other iconic families would have followed? Check out the Simpsons for example. Homer and I bowl in this very alley from time to time, and he is always thanking me for paving the way. Our wives both wear iconic jewelry. We both work for one helluva boss. We even have close friends named Barney. When I look at Homer, I see myself; aged and balding. And wearing pants. I think we both know who won that round.
Diary: Some would say though, that the Flintstones have had a tough time staying relevant.
Fred: Come on. Relevant? Who is posing as the October Heroic Hottie? I don't see Homer standing around belching it up for the camera.
Diary: Speaking of the Heroic Hottie title, you have never looked better.
Fred: Well thank you. I attribute my good looks to going pantsless. Really, nothing is more freeing. And it keeps you feeling so young. I've tried to get Charlie Sheen to follow the lead and get the trend going, but he looks at me like I'm crazy.
Diary: Aside from good looks, you also have an amazing wife. What is the secret to your marriage with Wilma?
Fred: Going pantless! Yabba Dabba Do! All jokes aside, Wilma and I have stayed together for so long because i truly love and respect her. She has put up with a lot of my crap and together we've worked on a great deal. I've been called a caveman and hot headed, but my heart is always in the right place.
Diary: How is Pebbles? (Pebbles is Fred and Wilma's daughter and also a prominent business mogul with her own line of breakfast, snack foods, and vitamins. She has one of the biggest lifestyle brands in the world.)
Fred: That kid is brilliant. She's got her name plastered on cereal boxes and snacks. She has her own line of costumes. She has also continued to employ her old dad for the commercials.
Diary: There was a rumor that Pebbles was actually going to fire you and your friend Barney from any new commercial material. There was talk of taking the brand in a new direction. Care to comment?
Fred: No, because it just simply isn't true. Pebbles may have a cereal named after her, but Barney and I are the face of Bedrock's number one cereal export.
Diary: And what of Dino?
Fred: (Getting slightly emotional) Dino had to be put to be put down a few years ago. He was the most loyal house pet. Wilma and I donated his bones to the Smithsonian.
Diary: Sad to hear, but I am glad he is a part of history now. What else is going on? Any new projects?
Fred: Well, I am working on something very exciting. General Motors is trying to make the next line of fuel free cars that will run on a whole new form of energy. GM has tapped me to be the brains of this operation. I know a thing or two about running a fuel free car!
Diary: That could be very interesting. You were also linked recently to a political figure who was making some negative waves with the mutant community. Can you talk about that?
Fred: Sure thing. Listen, I've been politically correct for far too long. I can't stand by and watch this world of ours devolve into a mutant loving planet. What's next? She-Ra and her friends getting a comeback? I detest mutants. I think their lifestyle is abhorrent and they should be stopped. Just look what happened recently with the Phoenix Five! Mutants are a menace to society.
Diary: This is fairly shocking to hear. I had no idea you were so opinionated.
Fred: Well I am. I helped build this country from the bedrock up and I refuse to see the world turn to shit over some lousy mutants.
Diary: Aren't you concerned about the impact these comments will have towards a group of people who just want to have the same rights and liberties as you or I?
Fred: Rights? Screw rights. That stuff needs to be earned. Rights are not some entitlement. I'm not concerned about the rights of mutants.
Diary: (Noticing something is off) Mr. Flintstone, I have never in all my years as a respected journalist heard such hateful things! I bet April O'Neil never had to deal with this. (Editor's Note- April had to actually deal with worse, namely Shredder and the Foot Clan.)
(Another Editor's Note: At this point in the interview, Fred Flintstone became very... different.)
Diary: Would you like some water? Your eyes... They don't look good. (At this point during the interview, Fred Flintstone shifts into someone else.) Mystique!!!!
Mystique: Pathetic girl with your asinine questioning. You just had to bring up the mutant question, didn't you?
Diary: I don't understand. Why were you posing as Fred Flintstone?
M: Oh you stupid Homo sapien. We are in an election year, and I love nothing more than creating some controversy. I've been posing as many people saying all kinds of crazy things and making people look weird and tired in all types of debates, interviews, and other social interactions.
Diary: Why do all this? Why bring down your own kind?
M: Because! My kind is just getting started. With the recent new mutant births thanks to the Phoenix Five debacle, I have even more new mutants to recruit. What better way to get rid of Homo sapien so that Homo superior can rule the world? Riling up as many mutants as possible will only lead to mutants striking out against those who hate us. Humans need to pay for their actions. Mutants are back and we are going to take this world for our own.
Diary: You do realize you are spreading this message to a website of only, like, two readers right?
M: It makes no difference. More will soon see my message. Besides, I grow tired of these boring male hotties you fawn over every month. You need to let the world see what a real bad ass looks like.
Diary: I'm beginning to see why Rogue wants nothing to do with you.
M: Watch your tongue dorkette! I don't care what you think. When mutants finally take their rightful place in this world, that will be all I need. Scott Summers will forever be a loser to me, but his recent actions have now given me an army!
(In a matter of seconds Mystique is gone. Miss M then makes a cryptic phone call.)
Diary: Wolverine? This is Miss M. Hey, I'm in a bind. I just lost my Heroic Hottie, you doing anything? Would you like to be the October Heroic Hottie? No, it will not be a private nude photo shoot... Ok. I understand. Maybe next time... Oh, and by the way, I think Mystique is coming for you. Well, you see it all started with bowling..."
There you have it folks. An all new October Heroic Hottie, in what has got to be the strangest interview ever. Enjoy and if anyone hears from the real Fred Flintstone, I hope he is alright. For now you can find Fred and his other cartoon colleagues in figure form by Jazwares at your local Toysrus store. Hope all is well, until next time!