Miss M: April, I know what you are going to say...
April: And just what do you think I'm going to say?
Miss M: Well I'm guessing you'll say something rude about my being behind with this month's Heroic Hottie, but to be fair, it has been very difficult getting in touch with him.
April: You must really think I am a hateful mega beast, don't you? Calm down M, we're dear friends. I know I have been a bit, mean, lately, but I have had good reason.
Miss M: What's wrong? You look like you are about to cry. Did your hot date go terribly awry?
April: First off, I should not look like I'm about to cry. After all the money I've spent to keep this face frozen, there should not be any trace of emotion what-so-ever. And secondly, I lied. There was no hot date.
Miss M: Oh no. What happened?
April: My date was actually an appointment with my dermatologist. I needed my usual cocktail of Botox, Juvederm, and Vampire Plasma. I topped it all off with an Acid Flush.
Miss M: What in the hell is an Acid Flush?
April: Oh it's the latest thing! Beauty procedures are no longer just about the outside, the latest thing is to also make your insides younger too. It's a liquid shot of three different acids, and they essentially eat away at all the old decayed parts of your innards, and afterwards you have an all new sparkling inside. My throat and sides hurt like all get-out, but I have the liver of a 19 year old.
Miss M: Why would you do that?
April: Why not? You know, I'm surprised you haven't started the Botox cocktail. You're what, 42?
Miss M: I'm 31!
April: Oh good Lord! M! You look old as dirt!
Miss M: You're being a mega beast again.
April: (softening) I'm sorry. I may have slightly overdone it at the derm, but I had no other choice. My life is just miserable.
Miss M: How can your life be miserable? You're April-freaking-O'Neil. I mean you're a total bad ass.
April: Yeah, well it's nice that you think that. But the higher ups? Not so much.
Miss M: Ok, spill. What is this all about?
April: Oh M! My life is just a mess! Do you know that they brought Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to cable? The show has become a runaway hit, and I had assumed they would have reached out to me to reprise the role that I made famous. Instead they hired some young girl to play a teenage version of me! Me! There is some 20 year old acting like she is 16 and that is the new face of April O'Neil. I never would have fathomed this happening to me. I'm practically a has-been.
Miss M: Oh April. Don't say that. What about the big budget movie? I thought there was a big movie coming out by that director that likes to blow stuff up and slather lip gloss on his actresses?
April: Oh there is a full featured TMNT film coming out, and I made some calls to see when they'd need me, but they are taking it in a different direction. They hired some young starlet with perky breasts and an attitude to play me instead. I mean her last name is based off an animal! Who does that? Just tacky.
Miss M: Well it can't be that bad.
April: I swallowed acids to make my insides younger. It is bad.
Miss M: Ok well, maybe we just need a fun girl's night out to decompress?
April: Pizza and cheap wine does sound nice.
Miss M: That was wine we had last time? I thought you had brought flat Sprite?
April: You need to get out more. Ok so pizza at your place tonight. What's the status on the Heroic Hottie?
Miss M: Like I said, I haven't heard back from him. I've contacted his agent. I even talked with She-Ra to see if she could get me in the door. It just hasn't worked yet.
April: Let's give him some more time. Sea Hawk is a pirate after all, you know how that goes.
Miss M: No, not really. But ok.
April: Look, reach out to his crew one more time. We really need him for this month's Heroic Hottie. We need to get the dirt on that mysterious sword that Mattel teased a couple months ago, and we need to find out about the rumors of that bar fight with Jack Sparrow. Get on it M!
And that is just what I did! With a fierce determination I haven't felt since that backroom shoe sale at Foley's, I refused to take no for an answer! I contacted pirate crews left and right and even traveled to a couple of dirty run down hole-in-the-walls on my search for the impossible to find Sea Hawk. I came up with nothing.
However upon returning to my office, I found a mysterious letter that smelled of cheap liquor. This is what it said:
Dear Fair and Pale Dorky Lass,
I appreciate your recent efforts to hunt me down so that I can be objectified on Diary of a Dorkette. Sadly lass, I will be unable to attend any interviews or photo shoots at this time. I am currently on a top secret mission, though I do hope you will get to see me soon. Sorry for this being so last minute, I hope it will not interfere with your plans to objectify some other poor lad. Take care Dorky Lass.
All the best,
Miss M: Shit! You have got to be kidding me! He isn't going to show up!
April: What is all this yelling about?
Miss M: Sea Hawk can't do it. He can't be the Heroic Hottie this month.
April: Damn pirates. You can't rely on them for a damn thing.
Miss M: What do we do now?
April: Let me think... (after a brief pause) We only have one choice. Go to the archives. You've interviewed all kinds of men for various articles on Diary, pull out some outtake photos or something. Make it cute.
Miss M: But that just seems sloppy.
April: Like I said, make it cute. We can't help the fact that Sea Hawk isn't here. M, I believe in you. You're a bit loony, but if anyone can make this month's Heroic Hottie into something special, it will be you.
Miss M: Ok. I'll do my best.
April: There's that can-do spirit. Now before you go to the archives, let me run this by you. I was thinking that Diary needs a new feature. And since my dating life is in the Slime Pit right now, what about doing something like, "Double Dating with April" or something? Wouldn't that be fun? You could join me on dates to see if these plastic men out there have what it takes to win my heart. It sounds brilliant, doesn't it?
Miss M: I don't know. That might be a bit much. I mean, don't you think that is slightly desperate?
April: I am a woman of a particular age. They have cast a young faux teen girl to play me. I am past desperate. No one ever does this to the Turtles, they get to always stay the same. If I can't be a part of a show, than I at least deserve to have a real and true hot date. So think about it, but for now, get this Heroic Hottie mess together...
April 2013 Heroic Hottie: Inside the Hottie Secrets!
A Spicy Hottie
Gambit was the very first Heroic Hottie from 2012. I was so intimidated with this interview that I didn't even really interview him! I had the cameras ready and the photo shoot went off without a hitch, but I have since come a long way with talking to these gorgeous men. In fact, here's an inside secret about that experience, once the photo shoot was over, Gambit asked me if I liked to play poker. Strip poker. It took everything I had to say no, but I did say no, because I have journalistic integrity! (And if there are ever any photos that pop up down the line, I will deny until my face is as blue as Frosta's hair.)
A Hottie with a Heart of Gold
Up next is the handsome and dreamy Bow. I interviewed him in February 2012 and he was such a gentleman. All the tall models we used for the shoot could not even capture his interest. All he could talk about behind the scenes was his love for Adora. It was just so romantic. However the night only got better as Bow provided me with a special concert! He played an all new song for me and it was for my ears only! I'll never forget that night, Bow is truly a class act!
The Hottie Full of Mystery and Intrigue
Last April was a very strange time. I had just finished interviewing the mysterious Fantomex. All had gone somewhat well, he had seemingly enjoyed the interview. Something was certainly strange about him though. Usually the Heroic Hotties are kind and want to talk a bit after everything is said and done. Not Fantomex. He grabbed hold of my hand and we jettisoned off to some strange laboratory where we had to fight off zombie baby chickens. I nearly was bitten, but somehow we survived. It was at this point that April O'Neil increased the liability insurance for the photo shoots...
The Hottie Who Loved Me
Now I never mix work with my personal life, but upon interviewing the July 2012 Heroic Hottie, I found myself slightly smitten. He was a real blockhead, but there was just this undeniable spark between us. After the interview was done, he asked me out for coffee and afterwards we ran off to the library to check out the books. It was a whirlwind romance that ended dramatically once I realized I could never compete with his love for a computer named Stella Cherry S71Z6. Sadly we broke up, but I'll never forget those dates with the Computer Programmer to the library and the smell of those books. Intoxicating!
The Most Powerful Hottie in the Universe
It was a pleasure to interview He-Man for the September 2012 Heroic Hottie spot. He was as kind as the stories say and not at all as dumb as I thought he'd be. (Well you know what they say about men who have all those muscles.) Anyways, He-Man was very nervous about how his muscles were going to look for the photos. So he needed to work on his guns, and the only way he could do that was by lifting me for full flexing power. I'm not quite sure how I should take that, but it was certainly nice to help him out...
Hottie's Making Mischief
2012 was a big year for interviewing the heavy Hotties of yesteryear. I got the privilege to talk with Lion-O (March 2012) Michelangelo (August 2012) and He-Man (September 2012.) Well these guys had not seen each other in decades, so once they found out that they had all been crowned Heroic Hotties, they contacted me to see if I would join them on a wild night out. I wasn't sure what I was getting into, but they assured me that there would need to be a journalist along for the ride. There are plenty of things that happened that night that I'll never forget, but this one takes the cake:
After a few drinks, He-Man insisted that we wrap Snake Mountain. Can I just say, that was a difficult job. However it made for a memorable night, and it was really nice to see these iconic guys in their own worlds come together to have a lot of fun. Bonus points were had since we didn't even get caught! You certainly can't beat that.
A True Heroic Hottie
Very recently I had the privilege of interviewing Wonder Woman for the March Woman of Wonderosity feature. Well there were a few visits during that interview, and one of them happened to be the very dashing Superman. And though he has yet to be a Heroic Hottie, he has certainly captured my attention and might just show up really soon. Once the interview with Wonder Woman was over, I had asked Superman if I could take a picture with him. Well, I got to take the picture of a life time with the Man of Steel:
Wonder Woman was so kind and generous! She let me borrow her iconic outfit! I got to dress up as Wonder Woman for a day! I mean let's be real, she certainly fills that suit out better than I ever could, but to step into that outfit for just a moment in time was pure bliss! Until we were attacked by villains:
Turns out I can pose as if I am ready to fight off the forces of evil, but at the end of the day I'm just a simple dorky girl. In other words: I'm going to leave the world-saving to the super heroes. But you can bet I'll be chronicling them. So be sure to keep an eye out, Superman will more than likely be a Heroic Hottie at some point!
So that is about it for the April 2013 Heroic Hottie! It is a shame we couldn't get Sea Hawk here, but I have my fingers crossed that we will be seeing him soon. Until next time everyone, take care!
Meanwhile in a place far away from Miss M and all that is good...
"Come to order! Everyone sit down. The meeting is about to begin." Skeletor, the Evil Lord of Destruction, sits at a round table looking at the other Masters of Evil. Cobra Commander, Mumm-Ra, Catra, Pizzazz, Megatron, Shredder, Mystique, and the Pope Pinion are all sitting together in a secret room inside Snake Mountain. Skeletor looks at his colleagues, "I've gathered you all here for a specific cause. How are we going to rid the universe of Miss M?"
Pizzazz stops filing her nails for a moment and rolls her eyes, "What's with this Miss M? Why are we having to stop her?" Cobra Commander screeches, "Because! Miss M is a nuisance! She must be put down like a cat." Catra looks over and purrs, "Watch your words!"
Skeletor glares at everyone, "Enough! There is plenty of reasons that we want Miss M gone. She helped wrap Snake Mountain, and it rained soon after. The mess was too much. I want her gone." Megatron pipes up, "I want her gone because she has yet to interview me for a Bodacious Baddie." Mumm-Ra chokes out, "I blame her for my show getting canceled." Catra snaps, "That was not your show. The ThunderCats would have something to say about that I'm sure." Mystique grins, "I'm merely along for the ride." The Pope Pinion whispers to her, "You can't let anyone know I was here."
Pizzazz fakes a yawn, "Skeletor, if you really don't want her around, why didn't you get rid of her when she interviewed you awhile back?" Skeletor folds his arms over his chest, "I tried to prevent her form leaving, but she tricked me! Besides, if something had openly happened to Miss M than I would have had to deal with that insufferable He-Man and his musclebound sister She-Ra. No, we have to be more careful with how we handle this issue of Miss M."
Mumm-Ra fiddles with his iCoffin and curses the controls, "Well, we could always figure this out at the Conference of Evil this Summer." Skeletor's eyes glow red, "Of course! Excellent Mumm-Ra! The Conference of Evil will be the perfect plan for us to dispose of that miserable Miss M. We'll invite her to the Conference of Evil."
Pizzazz sighs in boredom, "Why would we invite her to that?" Skeletor grins, "Because my wretched Pizzazz. Anything can happen at the Conference of Evil, and no one would notice. Why, Miss M could take a tumble down a flight of stairs. Or she could become a meal for my Land Shark. It doesn't matter, because the Masters of Evil will finally be rid of that menace! All those in favor, say aye!" The crowd all says 'aye' except for Cobra Commander, he simply yells, "COBRA!"
Shaking his head, Skeletor groans, "Not yet Cobra Commander." Pizzazz gets up from the table and shrugs, "We all agree. Are we done? I've got a concert to upstage." The leader of the Misfits saunters off as the rest of the Masters of Evil spread out. Shredder and Mumm-Ra walk off next, Mumm-Ra begs to know the answer to making a reboot successful. The Pope Pinion promises to help raise the funds for this project, but continues to insist that he be a silent partner. Cobra Commander and Mystique walk away catching up on old times. The deadly shape shifter inquires about Zartan. Catra slinks off next, she personally loathes Snake Mountain. Megatron and Skeletor remain. The Evil Lord of Destruction looks at Megatron, "This is going to be my best plan yet! And Miss M will never see it coming..." All he can do is laugh...