June 2013 Bodacious Baddie!

Where did we last leave off? Oh yes, I was interviewing the hunky June 2013 Heroic Hottie, when out of the blue I got a terrible phone call. My mentor, and friend, April O'Neil was in the hospital! What dastardly fate fell upon those journalistic shoulders full of integrity and gumption? Read on dear reader, read on...


Miss M: Oh April! April! You are in the hospital! What is the world coming to?
April: I'm going to be fine. What is Superman doing here?

Superman: Um, hi.

Miss M: Oh well I was busy interviewing Superman for the Heroic Hottie feature. You know this April. Anyways, I got the call that you were in trouble and Superman was kind enough to give me a lift.

Superman: Yeah. It was no big deal. Flying is easy. I needed to see my doctor anyway. I suffer from Clenched Fist Disorder and I need a new treatment.

April: Oh God is this what my life has come to? M, tap on my morphine clicker, I need to get through the night.

Miss M: Not yet, not until you tell me how you ended up here! I'm worried about you.

April: I'm not sure I know where to even begin. I guess you could say it all started when I went to interview the...

 

June 2013 Bodacious Baddie

 

 

Earlier...

 

April: Crap. I really hope I'm at the right place. I don't think she has moved...

April: The place looks pretty empty though... (A voice calls out from the side)

Quasimodo: May I help you?

April: The hell... Quasimodo? What is this? Does Pizzazz still live here?

Quasimodo: Yes. The lady of the manse still calls this her abode. Do you have an appointment?

April: Yes, of course I do. Now what are you doing here? Don't you live in a bell tower or something?

Quasimodo: I did. And sometimes I wish I still was. Ever since my modest film, Disney put me up in Los Angeles, but I couldn't find work. Now I answer the door and run errands for Pizzazz. It is a nightmare. If I were you I would turn away from this dark and scary place full of deceit and horrors the likes you've never...

April: Ok, ok, I got you, but I am pretty sure I can handle Pizzazz. Thanks for the warning. (Quasimodo shrugs and walks off to find Pizzazz. He is gone for awhile.)

April: Goodness, will she ever arrive? (As if on cue, Pizzazz waltzes into the room.)

Pizzazz: Is that April O'Neil! What on Earth are you wearing? Such a wild ensemble! Are you trying to copy me or are you hoping to win out for the role of Prime Eve's mother?

April: Hardly. I'm too young to play some one's mother. You on the other hand...

Pizzazz: Oh look at you and your insults. I'm practically ageless.

April: Is that so? I've wondered this for awhile, does that green hair help hide away the grays?

Pizzazz: I wouldn't know, I don't have any.

April: Of course.

Pizzazz: Oh how I have missed you. Come on inside.

April: I forgot how ostentatious your home is.

Pizzazz: Oh don't be jealous. I'm sure the salary of a journalist has become as nice as that of a rock star.

 

April: I'm more than just a journalist. I've been a star on many shows...

Pizzazz: Oh yes, I forget about all that. Do you still hang out with creepy creatures from the sewer?

April: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Pizzazz: Goodness, you haven't changed a bit April. How long has it been since we've seen each other?

April: I believe the last time we saw each other was at the Animaes.

Pizzazz: Oh yes! That dreadful little animated awards show. Whatever happened to that show?

April: They lost their sponsors and had to cancel everything after you and the rest of the Misfits nearly got the audience and guests killed in an attempt to get rid of Jem.

Pizzazz: Allegedly. That rigged explosion and loose ceiling crumbling on people was all alleged to have been caused by the Misfits. They never tied us to that disgusting crime. I thought you were a reporter April, you of all people should know that. You are getting rusty.

 

April: I'm perfectly fine. So, how are the Misfits? Do you still perform with Roxy, Stormer, and Jetta?

Pizzazz: We don't sell out stadiums like we used to if that is what you are asking. But we still play together. In fact we recently played a birthday party.

April: A birthday party?

Pizzazz: Yes, apparently we are highly popular with today's youth, although the youth of today are a very freakish bunch.

April: How so?

Pizzazz: So the Misfits and I were playing at this sweet 16 party when the birthday girl starts talking about how her dad is Dracula and that it wasn't her 16th birthday party, but actually her 1600th birthday. Can you believe that? Goth kids have come a long way for sure. Some of these ghouls looked like they were real monsters. I've never seen such a thing.

April: Sounds like it was an interesting time.

Pizzazz: Of course it was. The teens of today are still listening to the Misfits music while that disgusting soft rock from Jem and the Holograms is playing at the old folk's home! Ha!

April: Do you ever run into Jem these days?

Pizzazz: Sometimes we see each other at the same social events. She thinks she is so much better than everyone else. Pathetic. The Misfits never had to lie about who they were, unlike Jem, or Jerrica, or whatever personality she is playing with today.

April: There may be some truth to that, but don't forget Pizzazz, there are quite a few alleged murder plots associated with the Misfits.

Pizzazz: Like I said April, until someone steps forward with actual proof, there's just nothing we can do about it. I'm completely innocent.

April: Is it true that the Misfits are aiming for a comeback? A new album, new tour, all the works?

Pizzazz: It is entirely possible. The world misses the Misfits. Hell, the world gets to enjoy two bands named the Misfits. How many phony bands run around calling themselves the Holograms?

April: I don't know. It would seem the Holograms never needed to copy their name after another band. Their songs are still selling well on StarTunes.

Pizzazz: Please. Who actually uses StarTunes? That store might as well not even exist.

April: Oh Pizzazz, the things you say.

Pizzazz: Let me ask you something, what are you even doing here? I thought I was supposed to be interviewed by some pale dork girl?

April: That pale dork girl is my friend. She is slightly incompetent at most things, but she was busy tonight. So I took her place.

Pizzazz: So she isn't going to show up at all?

April: No. Is that a problem?

Pizzazz: Maybe. Oh just leave me alone for a second, I need to make a phone call. (Pizzazz steps to the side whispering in her cell) I'm telling you the truth, the pale dork girl isn't here, she isn't coming... Well find a way to cancel the action, we don't want to harm the wrong person... Oh give me a break, I know a thing or two about murder attempts...

(At this point, April tries listening to the conversation but is distracted by a strange guest.)

April: Oh my. Is this a My Little Pony?

Pizzazz: (Quickly getting off the phone) Of course! That happens to be my little pony.

April: How did you get this? These ponies are endangered, they aren't allowed in the states. They belong on sacred ground.

Pizzazz: (shrugging) Oh no one follows those stupid rules. I had Eric Raymond smuggle my little pet pony from Ponyland.

April: Oh my...

Pizzazz: I know, isn't she just the cutest little thing ever? I made sure Eric stole one that had my hair color and complexion. My little Baby Surprise just loves her mama! I make the perfect mother.

April: Are you serious?

Pizzazz: Of course I am. When you have as much money as I, anything can be smuggled for a price. (Pizzazz places the baby pony on the ground) Now go on Baby Surprise! I'm in the middle of something, scoot! Scoot!

April: This is terrible! You can't do that to that poor pony!

Pizzazz: Oh please. She likes it. You have to teach these ponies some discipline. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to my phone call real quick.

April: (looking at the pony) It's ok little girl. Are you trying to tell me something? I swear it sounds like you are trying to tell me something...

April: Pizzazz, are you almost done with your call? I am suddenly feeling sick to my stomach.

Pizzazz: (Hanging up her phone, highly annoyed.) I'm sorry. How dare I disrupt your precious time April. I mean the nerve! You come over to my house wanting to interview me, and then you have the nerve to make my baby pony nervous while also barking out commands? No wonder you can't keep a man.

April: Oh hell no. We are not about to go there Pizzazz.

Pizzazz: Did I strike a nerve? If not I could always remind you of the sad pathetic realization that you are old and no one cares about your udders. In fact, if I recall, isn't some young foxy tart playing you in some second rate movie based loosely on your life and those creepy creatures from the sewer?

April: Why did I think this would be a wise idea to interview you as the Bodacious Baddie?

Pizzazz: Don't be silly. Everyone knows I am bodacious and very very bad.

April: Who is trying to kill Miss M?

Pizzazz: Excuse me? What brought that on?

April: Look, I'm the best reporter there is. I've heard the rumors, someone is plotting the life of my friend.

Pizzazz: So what? You think that because I've allegedly dealt with those types of issues that I have something to do with that? I don't even know who your pale dork friend is.

April: Fine. We'll leave it at that. Nice talking to you Pizzazz. I have a story to finish. Have a nice night.

Pizzazz: Oh, you too April. Be sure to find some new clothes! There's only one bitch that can rock that trashy look. Me! (Pizzazz bursts into a fit of laughter as April walks away leaving the mansion. Pizzazz makes sure the coast is clear before picking up her phone.) She's gone. I couldn't get my guy to stop it in time. Poor sweet April will be taking the fall... 

 

June 2013 Bodacious Baddie

 

Back to the present...

 

Miss M: I'm confused April. As riveting as that interview sounded, it still doesn't explain how you ended up in the hospital?

April: I'm not done with my damn story M! Don't you know the good stuff doesn't happen until after the credits? So after leaving the strange home of Pizzazz, I was driving down a dark road...

 

Going back to the past...

 

April: That damn Pizzazz. I've never trusted her. You just can't trust someone with natural green hair. It's like that would-be Polaris and Havoc wedding I tried to cover that time. Bitch started throwing the silverware at everyone and stuff got too real. (April drives towards an intersection and tries to slow her car down, but can't.) Oh crap, my brakes aren't working! Oh shit! My brake lines have been cut! I'm going to hit that car! Wait, I think that is Janine! (April and arch-enemy Janine Melnitz nearly collide into each other!)

April: Damn it Janine! Get off the road!

 

Janine: You're just jealous that my variants were always better!

April: I'm giving you the finger Janine! That's what I think of your damn variants!

(Losing control, April careens off the road. Unable to use the brakes on her car, April finds herself crashing into the side of a mountain that came out of nowhere!)

 

And now, back to the present...

 

Miss M: Oh April, someone cut the brakes on your car!

April: Yes. The accident was supposed to be for you. I never should have taken your interviews away from you.

 

Miss M: Oh thank you... but wait, that would have meant I'd be in the wreck...

April: (looking over at Superman while pointing to Miss M) Careful, this one is a smart cookie.

Superman: Actually, she is really smart. We were talking on the flight over here, and she has this really fantastic story idea for She-Ra...

April: Shut up Clenched Fist Dud! I'm in the freakin hospital! What kind of hospital is this anyway? There is a skull over my bed!

(At this point, the doctor walks in.)

Dr. Brick: Actually, that skull over your head monitors your life. If your heart stops or you lose oxygen, it will flash red and alert the staff to try and resuscitate you. It's new state of the art equipment.

April: Oh give me the biggest damn break.

Miss M: Doctor, is she going to be ok?

Dr. Brick: I have her results right now, would you like to hear them?

April: Of course, why not? Is there anyone else that would like to join in this mess?

Superman: I can go get my girlfriend...

April: Morphine me now M!

Dr. Brick: I'm sorry to have to tell you this Ms. O'Neil, but you have a cracked rib. You might not be able to walk again either.

April: What!?

Dr. Brick: I'm so sorry, but your x-rays show extensive damage.

Miss M: Oh April!

April: This is some crap!

Dr. Brick: We'll know more in the morning. For now just rest.

Miss M: Oh April, tell me what you need.

April: I just want to be alone.

Dr. Brick: Yes, you need some rest. Superman, would you like to visit my office for your clenched fist injections?

Superman: Yes, I want to be able to use my hands again doctor. (Superman and Dr. Brick exit the party.)

Miss M: April, I'll be back tomorrow, ok? We're gonna get through this.

April: Oh who cares M? It's too late for me. My life is over. I have some young teen playing me on a TV series and some young tart with breasts made of Bounty playing me on screen. I might as well throw in the towel.

Miss M: Don't say that. A lot of people love you April, and your breasts are still bountiful! I mean they're plastic. They aren't going anywhere.

April: I'm going to sleep. Click my morphine one last time. (April prepares to sleep, but says one last thing to Miss M) Oh, and M?

Miss M: Yes?

April: Be careful out there. Someone is truly trying to take you out. Have a goodnight.

Miss M: Gulp. You... too... April.

 

Up next! Before June comes to a close, Miss M has the privilege of interviewing the June 2013 Woman of Wonderosity! Don't miss it!