It's me, Miss M. I know I haven't written anything in awhile, but I have been rather busy. You see Diary, I think I am in love. With a Ninja Turtle. This all really heated up during this Summer's Conference of Evil, and after a bit of some internal back and forth, I realized there would be nothing wrong with going on a date with Michelangelo, the party turtle. He makes me laugh and we've known each other for ages. But what's a girl to do? I'm not totally sure where this "thing" could go between us. It all gets more complicated as I write this out. In but a few hours I am supposed to meet him for our very first official date! Diary, I need help! Am I ready for this? Am I ready to go out on a date with a Ninja Turtle? There's only one way to find out...
Miss M Presents:
April: Hey Miss M, how are you doing?
Miss M: I'm ok, just getting ready to leave work a little early. Are you feeling better from last weekend?
April: Sure, I guess. It's all a haze anyway. My family and I don't mix. They think I wear too many tacky clothes and I think they're all morons. Believe me, I sold the store out of every strong drink available.
Miss M: Ya know April, you're family isn't that bad. I've met them before! They are all very nice people.
April: They are rich boring snots. I have no time. No time at all.
Miss M: How were things with Casey Jones?
April: Oh for the love of journalism. Casey and I were fine. Now, why are you leaving work early?
Miss M: Well, I need to get home and pick out something to wear for my date with Michelangelo tonight.
April: Seriously? It took you long enough...
Miss M: You make that sound like it's my fault. We've both just been too busy to really plan something. Geez.
April: (mocks M in a sweet song voice) Geez. Well golly gee Miss Molly. (tries to compose herself) I'm sorry. That was rude. Sometimes you just grate my nerves. But we are friends, and that's the beauty of our friendship. You annoy me with your dopey doe eyes and I speak my peace. Now listen carefully, you aren't going out on a date with Michelangelo if you plan on looking like a dump.
Miss M: Excuse me!? I don't look like a dump...
April: Honey, I'm your best friend. Trust me, you can't go out on a first date with your boring hair and the same dress you've been wearing for the last few weeks. Come on, I'm going to fix this.
Miss M: Well where are we going to go? I can't waste any time April...
April: Stop being such a Girl Scout. Come on, we're gonna work some magic.
Michelangelo: (yelling from another room) So dudes, I'm totally sorry for having to bail on poker night, but this was the only night I could go on my date.
Donatello: Let me understand, you have a date?
Michelangelo: (yelling) Sure do! Man, this will be the most bodacious date of my life!
Donatello: Who is he going out with?
Raphael: Knowing Mikey, probably a toy doll.
Donatello: (chuckles to himself) Do you know anything about this Leonardo?
Leonardo: No. Who did you say you were going out with tonight Mikey?
Michelangelo: (bumbles into the main room) I'm going out with Miss M! Don't you dudes listen?
Raphael: Wait, Miss M... Is that April's friend?
Leonardo: You're going out with her? (The three brothers look at Mikey and then at each other before bursting into laughter.)
Michelangelo: I don't get it. What's so funny?
Raphael: You're going out with that dork girl. (notices a look on Donatello's face) Sorry Don, no offense.
Donatello: None taken. I don't think she is dorky at all. She is actually sort of... dumb.
Raphael: I think she is annoying. Hot. But very annoying.
Michelangelo: Not cool Raph. Not cool at all.
Donatello: Well come on Mikey, you gotta admit, Miss M is... lacking. You deserve better bro.
Michelangelo: (looks at Leo for support) Come on Leo, you don't think M is lame, do you?
Leonardo: (hangs his head slightly) Sorry Mikey, but she is a little lame. Cute as a button, but... lame.
Raphael: (laughing) Poor Mikey. He looks like I just stabbed him with a sai.
Donatello: (tries to stop the laughing) Come on Mikey, we're just joking around. Miss M isn't that bad at all. We just think you could do better.
Michelangelo: I am doing better! Miss M is gorgeous and... I think she is smart.
Raphael: (mumbles) You would.
Michelangelo: I heard that Raph! I can't believe you dudes. That's April's friend you are all bashing.
Leonardo: Come on Mikey, to be fair, even April makes fun of M. She's a nice girl, but she is just very boring. Why don't you find some mutated girl, like one of those X-Men ladies. Or we are right down the sewer from the Morlocks, maybe you could find someone there?
Michelangelo: I don't want to date a Morlock.
Leonardo: Mikey, it's just that Miss M is very... common. She isn't like us. We're Ninja Turtles, we fight crime. We get into trouble, we know how to get out of trouble. Miss M, well, she seems like she is constantly getting into trouble... and never getting out of it. She doesn't have any skills or powers. It seems like someone always wants her dead. She just seems full of bad luck. We don't want that for you.
Michelangelo: (brushes his brothers off) I don't care what you want for me! I've had a thing for M for over 20 years! I now have a chance, and I'm not passing it up! (he rushes off.)
Raphael: (to Leonardo) I think that went really well.
Up above the sewer, Michelangelo tries to get some fresh air.
Michelangelo: Rude dudes with bad 'tudes. I don't get them. Sometimes I wonder if we're even from the same batch of ooze...
Suddenly, someone approaches the lovable turtle.
Splinter: Michelangelo, why are you out here alone?
Michelangelo: No reason...
Splinter: Come now Michelangelo, something must be wrong. I heard a loud commotion with your brothers and now they are acting quiet, and here you are.
Michelangelo: Master Splinter, it's nothing all right? Do you want me to prove it to you? I can totally juggle some pizzas right now and even crack an egg on my head...
Splinter: What happened to my fun loving son? You are not acting like yourself.
Michelangelo: Why do I always have to be the joke?
Splinter: No one ever said you needed to be the joke. There is a difference between providing laughs, and being laughed at.
Michelangelo: Yeah. I guess so. I'm just more than a punchline Master Splinter. I'm going out tonight with this great girl and my brothers don't seem to like her.
Splinter: Well what were they saying?
Michelangelo: (explains the sentiments) You see Master Splinter? Miss M may get into some trouble and she might be boring every now and then, but I've been mesmerized by her for a very long time.
Splinter: I understand Michelangelo. You and you alone can make the decisions for your heart. Your brothers are looking out for you... and they might be feeling all kinds of things, such as a loss that their brother is doing something fun without them. Or that they have not found what you have found in Miss M.
Michelangelo: Whoa dude. I didn't even think of that.
Splinter: Yes, sometimes things are more complicated than they seem. If Miss M makes you happy, than you should enjoy your date with her. I actually like Miss M.
Michelangelo: You know Miss M? No way!
Splinter: As the kids say, 'way.' Miss M and I are members of a soap opera fan forum. Her views on the hiatus of One Life to Live are fueled by passion of which I have never seen. I think she is a most remarkable date for you.
Michelangelo: Thanks Master Splinter! You're the best rat-dude-father a turtle could ever ask for!
Splinter: (chuckles) Yes, well, thank you Michelangelo. Oh, and one more thing...
Michelangelo: Yes Master Splinter?
Splinter: Maybe you should find something nice to wear? For the date.
Meanwhile at the hair salon...
Miss M: Wow. This place looks amazing.
April: See M, this is where you go to get your hair cut. That dank back alley where they provide bootleg Botox and haircuts is not.
Miss M: I only went there once April. I had no idea there'd be bootleg botox.
April: What am I going to do with you? Now, where is Truvy. (calls out) Truvy!
Truvy: (waltzes in) Slow your horses, I'm right here! Well April! Hey girl! Look at you all gussied up. Fancy!
April: Thank you dear.
Truvy: You're not scheduled today, everything ok?
April: Oh it's an emergency Truvy. I need a manicure stat, is Frenchy here?
Truvy: Sure, she's in the back. (looks at Miss M) Now who is this?
April: This is that friend I was telling you about. She needs a tear down.
Miss M: I am going on a date tonight. I think I look just fine.
Truvy: Oh honey child, let me look at you. (Truvy inspects her hair) While your hair is nice and shiny, this is just not good first date hair.
April: It sure isn't.
Miss M: Oh come on! Really? I don't need to do all this.
Truvy: What's holding you back darlin?
Miss M: Well, I mean, I think I look just fine. Why should I have to change how I look for some guy?
Truvy: Oh sugar plum, this beautification is not for some guy. It is for you. I love big hair. It is my armor. And when I'm done with you, you will have your armor to walk into that date feeling fabulous. Darlin, listen, obviously this guy likes you or he wouldn't want to go on the date. But you need to feel this and do it for you! Now come on, let me work my magic!
Miss M: (smiles) Ok, let's do it.
Truvy: (smiles looking at April) Ah young love! Makes me so happy my heart could soar outta my chest right now! Come on girly, let's get you washed up.
April: I'll go over and wait for Frenchy.
Truvy and Miss M walk by the sink.
Truvy: So spill the dirt darlin, tell me about this guy!
Miss M: Hmm. Where do I begin? We've known each other since we were kids. I actually wasn't sure I should go on a date with him. Ya know?
Truvy: Well why dumplin? Tell me about it.
Miss M: I'm not good with men. In fact, I'm terrible. Add to all this that the guy I'm dating is actually a Ninja Turtle, and well, I just don't know what to do. Can I actually date a turtle? Am I doing something incredibly terrible against humanity?
Truvy: Oh honey I don't think it's that deep. This Ninja Turtle... he can walk and he can talk can't he? Why, I'm sure he even scratches his own butt. Sounds like every other man I've known. I think you'll be fine. Ya know, if you like this guy, than savor every moment. Because then you get old and married and it requires a lot of work for him to melt your butter. Know what I'm sayin?
Miss M: I think so.
Truvy: (giggles) Come on darlin, let's get you some big hair!
On the other side of the salon April gets her nails done by the fantastic Frenchy.
Frenchy: April, your nails already look so beautiful! You don't even need any work.
April: I know. I just wanted to bring my friend here. She really needs a pick me up.
Frenchy: You give her a hard time, huh?
April: Yes, I do. But I have to. She is so special to me, and I push her so that she can be strong and not turn into someone like me. Old. Bitter. A real nasty bitch.
Frenchy: April, you are not those things.
April: I don't know. Things are just so complicated. Life is something else.
Frenchy: I know. My friend Sandy is finally going through her divorce. It has not been pretty. Poor thing.
April: This is the Sandy that was married to that Danny guy, right?
Frenchy: (nods sadly) Yeah. They were such a cute couple. It's been tough.
April: Poor thing. Divorce is a real bitch isn't it?
Frenchy: What about you and Casey? Are you two still... talking?
April: Oh who knows. Casey is a damn mess. We went through the divorce, but we can't quite end it. I mean sometimes I feel like we're just two stubborn people making fools out of each other. The sex is just too good though. Oh well, I'm not going to change. I'm a pain in the ass and that's just how it is.
Frenchy: April. I really hope that works out for you.
April: Yeah. It will. Just don't go blabbin that Casey and I are still hooking up. Miss M thinks Casey and I are destined to be together. She knows nothing about love.
While waiting for things to dry, Miss M talks more with Truvy.
Truvy: Now I love some good gossip. So tell me, who was the toughest interview you've done so far?
Miss M: I'm not sure. They've all been challenging to some extent. I didn't interview this particular person, but it was awkward to read. You know April interviewed Pizzazz back in June?
Truvy: Oh sure! I remember that. Those Misfits made some good music, but nothin makes my hips move more than some Jem and the Holograms!
Miss M: I know. Well, anyway, April found out that Pizzazz had smuggled a My Little Pony from Ponyland! They are endangered! What kind of person does that?
Truvy: The evil kind. Now listen sugar cube, I'm gonna let this set and go check on April and Frenchy, you ok? Want a soda or something?
Miss M: No, I'm good.
Truvy nods and checks on April.
April: Well, how is she?
Truvy: I think she is going to love her new look for this date.
Truvy: (eyeing Frenchy's work) Everything looks good over here!
Frenchy: April already had some nice looking nails to begin with.
April: Of course I did. Truvy, how long have you and Frenchy gone back?
Truvy: A long time. Why, we were in beauty school together!
Frenchy: We sure were.
As the three start talking about careers and being ultra successful working women, Miss M emits a scream from the side.
Miss M: It's burning! It's burning! My head, it feels like it is on fire!
Truvy: Oh Lordy Beasley, darlin hold on! These things happen everyday! Try not to breathe the fumes in! Oh my goodness!
Truvy screams for Frenchy to help. Together they work on saving Miss M.
April: Is she going to be ok?
Truvy: Frenchy, hand me a cork and a sponge. We need to stop the bleeding.
Miss M: (from under the madness) I'm bleeding? Oh no! I'm anemic, I bleed easily!
Frenchy: No sweetie, your dye, for the highlights. It's bleeding.
Truvy: Sorry for not tellin you darlin, I thought you'd like a little color for your grays.
Miss M: (sobbing) I only have three.
In time, the magical success of Truvy and Frenchy works and Miss M finds herself ready for her date.
Miss M: So, how do I look?
Truvy: You look like a ray of shimmery sunshine!
Frenchy: A true revelation! You could conquer the world with that look!
April: Truvy, you know how to work a miracle. Ok Miss M. Go get him!
To be continued...
You didn't think everything would happen in one post did you? Don't go far, the second part of Miss M Presents: That's Amore Part 2 will be here soon!