December 2013 Bodacious Baddie 400 Extravaganza!

Here we are. The 400th post of Diary of a Dorkette! This is actually pretty funny as I was not planning the Bodacious Baddie to coincide with the actual 400th post, but sometimes things just have a way of working out. For those that are just tuning in, I interview toys. (There's actually a whole lot more to this blog, but one of its hallmarks is that I talk to toys.) Yes, they talk to me and I talk to them. It would stand to reason that I might need help, but I think I'm about as sane as it is gonna get around here. I started these interviews last year and expanded them in 2013. As a result I began to weave a little story as the toy version of myself interacted with all the heavy hitters from the larger toy world around us. 

Here's what you need to know. Toy Miss M is best friends with April O'Neil. They work together bringing their journalistic integrity to folks every month with hard hitting toy journalism. April is older, wiser, and jaded. She was divorced from Casey Jones though they recently remarried on Halloween. Toy Miss M started a whirlwind romance with her favorite Ninja Turtle Michelangelo that spanned over two posts, here and here. Over 20 years of friendship has now led to a very loving and stable relationship, something the dorkette had never expected. Actually, there's a lot she never expected, like, actually dating a Ninja Turtle.  

All is not what it seems though. Full of rage and hate for being made fun of in an old post, the wrestler Velvet Sky has slowly been plotting the downfall of Miss M. Having worked with the greatest villains in the universe, Velvet Sky has tried unsuccessfully to destroy Miss M. In fact, for a brief moment, Miss M even knew about Velvet Sky's dastardly evil machinations, but after suffering a blow to the head, Miss M does not realize the danger around her. Now, in cahoots with Hordak, Velvet Sky has devised the ultimate plan. Instead of just going after Miss M, Velvet Sky wants to destroy those most close to the dorkette. (And in some cases has actually succeeded) Enough back story though! Find out what happens next in this spectacularly tacky 400th Diary of a Dorkette post with the all new December 2013 Bodacious Baddie!

Miss M: (on the phone with her turtle lover Michelangelo) Ok, I'm almost done for the day. I just need to interview the bodacious baddie and then I will be free!

Michelangelo: What are you thinking we should do tonight?

Miss M: I don't know. My feet are killing me. Maybe we could order some pizza and watch movies?

Michelangelo: Cowabunga! That sounds totally tubular M. What's even better is that we'll have the whole sewer lair to ourselves! My brothers are going to some ninja training retreat with Master Splinter.

Miss M: Why didn't you go with them?

Michelangelo: I told them I'd decorate the sewer for Christmas! Ha! Yeah right! I'll be eating pizza. (laughs with pride)

Miss M: Don't worry, I'll help you decorate.

Michelangelo: Awesome dudette! The holidays are gonna be gnarly this year!

Miss M: Yep! I'll call ya when I am heading out.

Michelangelo: Tubular.

Miss M: Bye!

They hang up, just as April walks in.

April: I need you tonight, stat. We need a girl's night immediately.

Miss M: No can do. I'm helping Michelangelo with holiday decorating and we're eating pizza.

April: (in mock outrage) No! My how much you have changed.

Miss M: What does that mean?

April: It means, I never thought I'd see the day when you'd pick a mister over a sister!

Miss M: Really April? I seem to recall plenty of times in high school and college when you were all about the boys.

April: Whatever. You were too.

Miss M: Because I had a study group to deal with! Oh it doesn't even matter! What's wrong?

April: Nothing! I wouldn't want to bother you with my problems! Go do the responsible things in life, like interviewing the Bodacious Baddie and playing sewer house with Michelangelo.

Miss M: I'm actually nervous about interviewing Hordak. Do you think She-Ra is going to hate me for this?

April: I don't think that is even a word in her vocabulary. Get back to work dorkette. I'll talk to you later.

Miss M: We'll do girl's night tomorrow?

April: (smiles) Sure. Besides, Casey wanted to get together for dinner and I've been playing coy with my answer. I guess I'll go out to dinner with him.

Miss M: (shakes her head) You better go to dinner with that man! He is a good guy April. Stop being so boucheron.

April: What does that mean?

Miss M: How should I know? It was the name of some perfume I sold to a mermaid in a dream of mine. It's really weird, I had this alternate version of myself on this Earth that was similar to ours...

April: (yawns before breaking into a laugh) ...and I'm bored. Just kidding. Call me later!

Miss M: Sure.

April leaves. Her Guy Friday soon arrives to let Miss M know that her guest has arrived. Taking a deep breath, Miss M goes to meet Hordak, the-

2013 December Bodacious Baddie!

Miss M: Wow. You are really imposing in real life.

Hordak: (snorts) I will take that as the perfect compliment.
Miss M: Here we are. I'm not really sure what I should say to you, but I think you make the most bodacious of baddies to cap off the year. Tell me, have you always been this evil?
Hordak: Of course I have. My goal in life from an early age was to create my precious Horde and find a way to rule the universe. I would have already done it too had it not been for that irksome He-Man and his muscle bound fool for a sister She-Ra.
Miss M: Yeah. I have to be a little transparent with you, She-Ra and I are actually really good friends. So... ya know... careful what you say.

Hordak: Really? I had no idea you were both so close. Don't you feel the slightest bit odd to be talking to me? Won't that warrior princess feel betrayed?
Miss M: No, not really. Just because I'm interviewing you doesn't mean I have to like you.
Hordak: (snorts) Listen to you. I like this banter. I feel like you could be my prey.
Miss M: You don't want to even think of taking a bite out of me. The calories alone would give you a heart attack.
Hordak: (snorts again, much louder than before) Ha! So tell me, is that big pink tree in the waiting area of your office from She-Ra?
Miss M: Oh yes! Every year She-Ra and my friends from the Great Rebellion always cut down a magical tree from the Whispering Woods to spread Christmas cheer.

Photo taken earlier

Hordak: Are you serious? That tree is from the Whispering Woods?
Miss M: Yep.
Hordak: Fascinating. (whispers silently) Note to self, steal that tree and find a way to finally destroy the Whispering Woods.
Miss M: Did you just say something?
Hordak: No. It was just gas. You are a rather interesting specimen of dorkdom, you know that right?
Miss M: Well, I could say the same thing about you, but in terms of like evildom. 

Hordak: Yes. I was told by someone that works here that my interview would mark the 400th post of your Diary. Is this true?
Miss M: Yes, it is. You are a part of my 400th post.
Hordak: Does it ever get old? Talking to these toys and other things?
Miss M: Oh no, not at all. I have the time of my life getting to talk to all these wonderful characters. I feel like it's always an adventure, one that I never want to see end.

Hordak: Do you have any favorite moments?
Miss M: Oh, I have too many. I couldn't even begin to name one. I must say though, if there is anything that I could possibly regret, it would be a post I did awhile ago.
Hordak: Oh? That sounds enticing. Why do you regret the post?

Miss M: Well in an effort to be cute and snarky, I may have put down a toy that I shouldn't have. I did this little piece on a gal named Velvet Sky. I was trying to decipher if she was trashy or timeless, and I simply said she was trashy. In all fairness, it was all part of her hair and nothing more. Her plastic surgeon was able to reenact every single tattoo on her body, yet they painted such slop on her head. I just thought she deserved more.
Hordak: Hmm. That's quite a lot of information.
Miss M: (eyes wide open) I'm so sorry! What kind of toy journalist am I? This is supposed to be about you! You're the one being interviewed! I am so sorry. So tell me, is this new vac metal chest plate new?
Hordak: (snorts) Yes. Rather it's a new play on an old look. I do like to mix up my evil looks.
Miss M: My, what big whirling weapons you have!

Hordak: All the better to destroy She-Ra. 
Miss M: As someone who is evil, do you ever feel just the slightest tinge of remorse for the lives you try to destroy?
Hordak: Never. Those pathetic heroes merely stand in my way.
Miss M: Well, don't you ever care about anyone? Have you ever been in love?
Hordak: Love is for tools. That silly emotion is a diversion from universe domination. Take my advice Miss M, the moment you love someone is the moment that you have lost everything. 
Miss M: I suppose. I guess I would see it differently than you. I believe in the power of love.
Hordak: (snorts) Let me guess, you must also believe in the Care Bears too?
Miss M: (shifts eyes) Maybe...
Hordak: Ha. Your softness will be your undoing my dear. Mark my Hordes. I mean, words. (his red eyes flair with evil)
Miss M: We're just from two different trains of thought Hordak. Do you have any plans for Christmas?

Hordak: Really Miss M? I'm the ruthless leader of the Horde, does it look like I have plans for that insipid holiday known as Christmas?
Miss M: Geez! It was just a question! My goodness. Ya know, your undoing is going to be that your heart is empty. 
Hordak: Don't try and psychoanalyze me dorkette!
Miss M: But you just did it to me!?
Hordak: Because I'm Hordak! I do as I please.
Miss M: Well how is the Horde? Is everyone doing well?
Hordak: They are fine. We're currently in the midst of locking in a bid to host next year's Conference of Evil. The Fright Zone is primed to have the greatest minds in villainy converge for one luxurious event. This year's Conference was supreme.
Miss M: I know. I covered that conference. I nearly died. A few times. I am so certain someone was trying to kill me, but that just sounds preposterous!
Hordak: I've heard crazier.
Miss M: Well, anyways, I just noticed the time. This interview is about up. Do you have any remarks to say about being this month's Bodacious Baddie?
Hordak: Of course. I find this to be a high honor. I would be the only one to cap off a year of villainous interviews. I wish you nothing but the best Miss M. May your Diary surpass another 400 posts. (snickers) 
Miss M: Wow! Thanks Hordak! That was actually very nice of you. I'm touched.
Hordak: (snorts) Hope you can survive the always busy holidays. Take care Miss M. (prepares to fly off)

Miss M: You too Hordak!

Miss M watches him fly off.

Miss M: Wow. He is a really cool villain though. Just sayin'.

December 2013 Bodacious Baddie!

But wait! There's more!!

With Hordak out of the office, Miss M busies her self with some last minute work before logging out and spending time with her sweetie. There is always work to do, especially with trying to secure the final interview of the month!

Miss M: Crap, where did I put my interview list? And why hasn't Jean Grey gotten back to me yet? I hope she's not in the White Hot Room again. Let the Phoenix go girl. Just let it go.

As Miss M continues her work and conversation with herself, April's assistant Guy Friday pops up.

Guy Friday: Hey M. I didn't know you were still in the office.
Miss M: Yeah, I am. I told myself I'd leave early, but I just have so much work to still do. I'm a little late though, I was suppose to meet Michelangelo at the sewer for pizza and Christmas decorating. 
Guy Friday: You should go. Work will be here tomorrow.
Miss M: Yeah, I know. I will in just a second. I have just a few more things to do.

Guy Friday: Ok. I'm done for the day though, so you are the only one here. Be careful out there. I heard the holidays always bring out the crazies.
Miss M: Oh I'm fine. No one is gonna mess with me. 
Guy Friday: All right. Night M. 
Miss M: Have a good night.

Guy Friday leaves the office. Miss M is all alone, finishing up her work. Unknown to her though a mysterious visitor looks on through a window.

Miss M: Ok, so I think I am finally done. I have the interview ready for this month's Woman of Wonderosity and it should be amazing!

Suddenly, Velvet Sky walks into the office.

Miss M: Oh, hi Velvet Sky! What a nice surprise! What are you doing here though? No one is here.
Velvet Sky: You're here. 
Miss M: Oh, yeah. I guess I am huh?
Velvet Sky: Yeah. Are you sure it is just you?
Miss M: Yes. Guy Friday just left and I was getting ready to leave. So, what's going on?
Velvet Sky: I was in the area and I thought I'd say hello. I also wanted to see if you had put anymore thought into having me be this month's Woman of Wonderosity?
Miss M: Ok. Technically I'm not supposed to say anything until the big reveal, but I guess I can go ahead and say it, you are going to be this month's Woman of Wonderosity!

Velvet Sky: (eyes gleam with hidden evil intent) Perfect.
Miss M: Yeah. I think so too. I am hoping our interview will be a special one, sort of a way to make up for the things I typed about you awhile back. 
Velvet Sky: Really?

Miss M: Yeah. I was only trying to be funny, I didn't even realize that my article would have hurt your feelings. If I did anything to offend you, I am truly sorry. And, not for nothing, but I know the best hair salon in town to fix those streaks right up. Truvy and Frenchy will work wonders!
Velvet Sky: (with biting venom in her voice) How quaint. Nothing like a nice trip to the salon to smooth things out.
Miss M: Oh dear, are you still harboring any ill towards me? I hope we can truly hash this out.

Velvet Sky: (smiles with daggers for teeth) Listen to you, always so sweet. How is your boyfriend? You're dating a Ninja Turtle right?
Miss M: Yes, I am. Michelangelo and I are in bliss. I just adore him. Love is truly all there is, ya know?
Velvet Sky: Yes, I've heard that. But I've also heard that the moment you love someone is the moment that you have lost everything. A wise man once told me that...
Miss M: That's so funny. I just interviewed Hordak and he said the same exact thing. What a small world.

Velvet Sky's eyes narrow upon Miss M. A strange spark builds inside of Miss M until a flash of memories rush upon her. M finally remembers the previous encounter with Velvet Sky in the cemetery!

Miss M: It was you. Oh no. You hit me over the head in the cemetery! With a tombstone! Who does that?You've been trying to kill me!
Velvet Sky: My goodness you catch on rather slowly don't you? Are you sure you aren't wearing a brunette wig over some blond hair?
Miss M: No, but if I was my hair would sill be more fabulous than that slop on your head! You lunatic! 
Velvet Sky: Lunatic? Really? Let's see, I'm not the pathetic train wreck that is dating, of all things, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Miss M: (sighs) Eww, gross. He's not really a teen. He only plays one on TV. Duh. Everyone knows that. Actually, he has been saying he'd like to audition for roles where he plays someone closer to his real age, but there just aren't that many cartoon roles for mutated ninja turtles. Ya know?
Velvet Sky: (stares in shock) I wasn't meaning any of that. It's more about the fact that you are dating a turtle. A mutated sewer dwelling turtle! That is disgusting and pathetic. Not to mention illogical.  
Miss M: But that's not why you want me dead, is it?

Velvet Sky: Of course not, but you already know the real reason from your spaz of a memory finally recalling our encounter in the graveyard. 
Miss M: I can't believe you would stoop this low, all over some silly article! 
Velvet Sky: Oh, I've stooped even lower. Not only have the plans for your demise changed, but so have the alliances. I've worked with the best in villainy to squash you like a roach. Of course, not just you, but all those you care about too.
Miss M: O.M.G. You killed Luke Skywalker, my dog! My poor sweet Luke! How could you?
Velvet Sky: Easy enough. I stole Janine's car during that ridiculous Halloween party and drove straight to your stupid little house and I killed him. 
Miss M: Oh no. Janine. 

Velvet Sky: Now you're catching on! Janine got in my way so I got rid of her too.
Miss M: Janine is still alive though! 
Velvet Sky: She's in a coma. In Switzerland. She is a non-mutha-freakin-issue.
Miss M: You can't get away with this.
Velvet Sky: But I am. I've already been getting away with all of this. Of course, my greatest stab to your heart is happening as we speak.
Miss M: (shakes her head in fear) No. No. What are you doing?
Velvet Sky: I hope you like turtle soup, you stupid dorkette!

With a swift kick, Velvet Sky shoves Miss M into the book shelf. 

Miss M: Ow! You crazy bee with an itch!
Velvet Sky: Gotta go Miss M. Hope your pathetic boyfriend knows you love him.

Velvet Sky quickly leaves.

Miss M: Oh no! My spleen hurts like a mother! Crap!

Staggering up from the ground, Miss M hurries out of the office to try and stop Velvet Sky. As she is running out front, she runs into Sea Hawk!

Miss M: Sea Hawk?! What are you doing here?

Sea Hawk: I came to thank you for giving that interview. I’ve never gotten more play in all my life.

Miss M: (sighs) Grody. Listen, I don’t have time for this. I need to know if you saw a trashy looking woman in bright pink wrestling lingerie with the word ‘sky’ emblazoned on her butt.

Sea Hawk: Oh yeah, that’s something you don’t forget seeing. I saw her run that way, towards the sewer lair.

Miss M: Thank you, thank you! Listen, go and find She-Ra! Let her know that Hordak has teamed up with Velvet Sky and they are up to dangerous dealings! Hurry!

Miss M rushes off, leaving Sea Hawk alone.

Sea Hawk: Sure thing. I’ll be sure to let She-Ra know.

Hordak walks next to the pirate.

Hordak: (snorts) Is that dork girl heading to the sewer?

Sea Hawk: Yep. No one is at the office. The tree can be ours.

Hordak: For some reason I think it possible that I might actually love you.

Sea Hawk: Me too, mighty Hordak…

With arms in the air, Sea Hawk unleashes plumes of smoke around his feet as the real form emerges: Shadow Weaver!

Shadow Weaver: That feeling isn’t love though Hordak. What we’re feeling is the surge of evil as we now have that dork girl out of the way.

Hordak: The bright pink tree will now be ours! And soon, the Whispering Woods!

Shadow Weaver: How was my impersonation of the Sea Hawk during that interview?

Hordak: You laid it on a bit too thick, but it worked. No one knows that you have been masquerading as the pirate, and they won’t either.

Shadow Weaver: Just make sure no one can find him.

Hordak: I’ve already done that. Now, let’s steal this tree already!

Moments later...

Miss M: Michelangelo! Michelangelo! Oh, he isn't answering his phone and he can't hear my screams! I fear he is already dead! Oh no, please, no. I have lost so much this year, I can't lose him too. I can't lose him.

Miss M walks towards another section of the road and calls out for her love. There is nothing but silence.

Velvet Sky looks on from a close distance. Buzzing in from a wireless bug in her hear, she patches in with Hordak.

Velvet Sky: All right Hordak. I'm ready for the next phase. 

Hordak: (buzzing in) Are you sure you want to do this?

Velvet Sky: Yes. It's what I've always wanted from the beginning. Let's end this. Press the button.

Hordak obliges and pulls out his nifty Fright Zone controller. With just the kick press of a button, a trap door opens beneath Miss M's feet.

Miss M: Gulp! (screams pour out of her mouth as she falls)

CRACK!

Miss M: Ohh. Ohh I'm in pain. Michelangelo? Can you hear me? Are you here? (screams in pain) Oh double crap! I think my hip is broken. Goddess, I really am an old women.

tick

Miss M: (tries to sit herself up) Hello? Where did my boyfriend go? Michelangelo! Help me! Crap. There's no use. The rest of the turtles are gone with Splinter. Maybe the Morlocks? Hello! Morlocks! Can anyone hear me?

Velvet Sky looks down from up above with a smirk on her face. 

Velvet Sky: Finally. The universe finds a way to right itself. Farewell Miss M.

tick

Miss M: Oh please. Someone help me. I need help! Is anyone there? Maybe Sea Hawk will get She-Ra here soon. Yeah, I need She-Ra...

tick

Miss M: What is that incessant ticking sound? Is that in my head? Goodness, Michelangelo, where are you? Where is my one true love? I really hope you aren't dead.

tick

Miss M: Now I know that isn't in my head...

tick      

Miss M: (looks over at a massive bomb strapped inside the sewer lair) Oh no. (tears form in her eyes)

Miss M: Please, don't let this happen. Someone will save me, right? (shakes her head in defeat) It was always a trap. Oh please no. I'm not ready! Michelangelo, I am so sorry...

tick

Miss M: ...I love you...

boom.

To be continued!