The holiday season is in full gear. People have forgotten how to drive and the roads are dangerous. Folks are fighting over items marked so high they might as well be living with the Care Bears. But, all is good. I'm in a very stable relationship with a Ninja Turtle and we are going to go shopping for Christmas gifts for our loved ones. I couldn't be happier. This is going to be the greatest Christmas ever!
I have enclosed a jewel that helps protect you.
Miss M presents:
Christmas Wishes and Toy Dreams!
Miss M: (looks at list) Well let's see. We got Splinter a soap opera book from the used bookstore, but it looks practically new so he won't know it was used. That will be ok, you think?
Michelangelo: Yeah! Tubular song skills dorkette! (high fives Miss M)
Michelangelo: Totally M. Totally. Leonardo needs to cut loose and stop being so disciplined. By getting him this gift, my brother will have to totally have fun. He's too goody-goody to reject a gift.
Michelangelo: Totally. I don't get how April keeps her jumpsuits in such great condition after all these years.
Miss M: It's like a girl thing. I'd imagine it has to do with the detergent she uses. Or something. Ya know, do you wonder if there are other versions of ourselves in alternate realities? Not to change the subject or anything, but like, I wonder what the alternate me is doing right now. I had this sad dream the other night that another version of me was living on an Earth similar to ours, but she was splitting up with her husband and selling perfume to mermaids by the sea shore. I don't really know why she was selling perfume to mermaids. I mean I don't even think it is possible to smell underwater. Unless mermaids have some latent powers to smell stuff underwater. I bet it is magical to be a mermaid, ya know?
Miss M: (smiles) Yeah, I think so. Ok, let's split up. We'll rendezvous in a few, k?
Michelangelo: Cowabunga dudette! This is gonna be awesome!
Michelangelo: What did you get me dorkette?
Miss M: I can't tell you! Goofball!
But I can show you what I got for myself. I mean, this is the season of giving right? (pulls out a rare DeadFast action figure) Check this out! I found a rare DeadFast figure!
Michelangelo: (looks it over) Tubular. Don't you already have one of these though?
Miss M: (nods) Yep. I have a loose one at home, but now I have one in mint condition! This is so exciting!
Miss M: What's wrong? Aren't you excited? This is like the rarest action figure of 2013.
Michelangelo: Yeah, I know. M, what are you gonna do with all your stuff?
Michelangelo: I totally respect your collection and awesome dorkette skills, but I don't understand why you have to have the same item in loose condition and in mint. It's totally overkill, right?
Michelangelo: I get ya. I just wonder about ya. You're my bodacious girl, and sometimes I just want to understand more about you.
Miss M: Well I don't know why I collect the way I do! It's crazy ok? (starts to panic and wonders if her collection is annoying him) I mean you might as well toss me to the curb like yesterday's news print. Make me obsolete. Maybe you need to date a mutated creature girl, like Flutterina or Mona Lisa. Maybe they'd be more your style.
Michelangelo: No way. Uncool. I would never do that M. I like that you are the biggest dorkette and that whenever you are in a store you make it a point to stop at every toy aisle. It's tubular. I just want you to let me in, to know more about you. That's all.
Miss M: What am I supposed to say Michelangelo? The truth is just so silly. I can't even say it. I just can't.
Michelangelo: Trust me M. If you love me, just trust me.
Michelangelo: No way dorkette. Why would that be silly?
Miss M: Because. You know this. I can't have children.
Miss M: I know, and I would in a heart beat. But I'm in no position right now to do that and I am only getting older. It's so funny, because when you are little you feel like there is so much time and that all of your dreams are going to come true. I wanted to be a mom. Not in the way of wanting to be a mom at the age of three, but more like, 'when I grow up I am going to be a mom.' Sometimes our dreams just aren't in the cards though. Of course, I'll literally be the old woman that dies with her toys. Say what you will about a cat lady, shit gets real though when you are the toy lady. You might as well start digging the grave now.
Michelangelo: Now why would you go and say something like that? You aren't going to grow old and be some gnarly old toy lady. You've got me M. Regardless if we have kids or not, we'll always have each other. I'm ready to go on any adventure with you, till the very end.
Miss M: (tries to shake the tears off) Whatever. You're just saying that because you are my boyfriend.
Michelangelo: Your boyfriend that loves you totally. More than the pizza from Antonio's even!
Miss M: (deadpans) Wow. I'm glad I rate above pizza.
Michelangelo: It is pretty good pizza.
Miss M: (smiles) You are right.
Michelangelo: Come here.
Miss M: Hold on Michelangelo, I'll be right back.
Yes, I would. I want to help bring some joy to a child this holiday.
Holiday Helper: You too ma'am!
Miss M: I mean, I don't know that I could donate my entire collection, but maybe what I need to do is trim things down. I think I can share the joys of some items with people now instead of waiting for a life that might never happen.
They stand there together, looking on at the people around them. Michelangelo squeezes M's hand tightly. The holidays are a strange time of year. So many emotions poured into one event.
Miss M: Yeah. Let's go to the soda shop. You can get some hot coco. I might wanna get some bubble gum ice cream or something.
Michelangelo: Aw dudette! How can you eat that stuff?
Miss M: Umm, easily. The taste of chemically engineered bubble gum flavor is amazing. Come on, let's get a snack.
As they prepare to walk off with their bags of holiday cheer, Michelangelo grabs Miss M's arm.
Miss M: Thanks Michelangelo. You'd make a nice dad. That kid would have some awesome ninja skills.
Michelangelo: Got that right! Cowabunga!
Miss M: (shakes her head with a smile) Come on, let's get that snack. All this shopping has made me hungry.
Michelangelo: You got it babe.
Up next! Diary of a Dorkette reaches its 400th post and it will be a story you will not want to miss! Celebrate in the most shocking post ever!