Living under a bridge with a pet roach is draining. The food is rotten. Literally. I'm still trapped in the body of Moth Lady and her inner psych is still trying to kick me out. I miss my old friends when I was alive the first time and in my original body. I know I was returned to the living by Maleficent in hopes of finding some silly dragon figurine, but Maleficent's wishes can wait! She tricked me and now I walk through the shadow of the valley of poverty and take a look at my life and realize: it sucks! The only thing I've been able to do for now has been to stalk, lovingly, the former people in my life. In fact, I think that is just what I'll do. I'm going to lovingly stalk Michelangelo and see what he is up to. Maybe he'll realize the position I'm in and just love me, love me, say that he'll love me. Oh diary, help me. I really miss music. Of course, living under the bridge means I get to dance to the sounds of the local discotheque where the music is loud and drunken brawls practically occur every night. I miss civilized life. Oh well, farewell for now diary!
Irma and April walk into a familiar space.
April: Why not? This old G.I. Joe base has been abandoned for years. No one uses it. It's the perfect place to interview this month's Heroic Hottie!
April: About that... listen Irma, I know you get a little boy crazy. And this Heroic Hottie is pretty hot. I just don't want you to get distracted by talking to him. Know what I mean?
Irma: Whatever April! I'm not that boy crazy. You make me sound like some sort of tart. Look at me? Do I look like a tart?
April: Hrm... It is always the unsuspecting ones...
Irma: I'm chalking that up to your witty comedic timing.
April: What ever you say Irma.
Suddenly, a voice of hotness fills the air...
Captain America: Are you ready for me?
April 2014 Heroic Hottie!!!
Captain America: Hello ladies. Is this the location for the, um, Heroic Hottie interview?
April: Yes. Hello Captain America. I'm April O'Neil. I covered the news during that alien invasion in New York.
Captain America: Ah yes, the alien invasion. I remember talking to you briefly at the press conference.
April: Yes, well I won't be bothering you. Irma here will be doing the interview. I'm just here to... supervise.
Captain America: I see.
Irma: Oh wow. He's a dream boat hunk! A real American Hero!
April: Irma, that's G.I. Joe you are thinking of. Now please, let's not drool all over ourselves ok? Professionalism! Hold fast to professionalism!
Irma: I'm just so frazzled by all this. I mean April, come on! You can't stand there and tell me this guy is not a dream boat hunk!
April: I can honestly say that.
Irma: Holy cow I get to interview Captain America...
Captain America: Umm, ladies? As interesting as this is, do you hear any strange noises?
Irma: (dreamy eyes) I can only hear the sound of our beating hearts.
April: (rolls her eyes) Oh Irma.
Captain America: This is an abandoned G.I. Joe base, correct?
Irma: Yeah. No one has really seen G.I. Joe in awhile.
Captain America: If you don't mind, I'd like to tour the area. Something seems dangerous.
Irma: Umm, ok. But don't go too far! My eyes will hurt in your absence.
April: Oh Irma. Go sit in a tub of ice. I wonder why he walked off?
Irma: Maybe he went to change into something more comfortable?
April: Only in your dreams.
Captain America: Yep! I knew it. Hydra was infiltrating an old G.I. Joe base.
Hydra Soldier: HAIL HYDRA!
Captain America: Sorry Hydra, world domination will have to occur another day. I'm trying to be interviewed here.
Captain America: All right, all Hydra soldiers are clear in this area. Everything ok on your end April and Irma?
April: (dusts herself off from punching out some Hydra soldiers) Oh yeah. I've been in these situations before. Just with more turtles and smelly feet.
Captain America: I don't see how what you are describing is comparable to this mayhem, but I'll take your word for it.
Irma: (sighs) Forget taking the words, why don't you take my hand. I'm scared!
Captain America rushes off calling for April and Irma to follow.
April: Now Irma, you know damn well that you are not scared.
Irma: I know. But Cap is old school. He likes his ladies to be in distress. I mean, that's how it was in the olden days before he was turned into a Popsicle right?
Captain America: (in response to questions posed by Irma) I suppose I like long walks on the beach. To tell you the truth I haven't done much dating. The women in my day were tough as nails. If I were to date someone in this new and strange century, I'd want her to be a tough cookie.
Irma: Well that makes sense! I'm tough and I totally like cookies.
Captain America: Cool. I like cookies too. Be right back. I see some more Hydra Soldiers.
Irma: Did you hear that April? We both like cookies.
April: There is so much wrong with this conversation I wouldn't even know where to start.
Irma: Hush April. I want to watch him in action.
Captain America: (calls out to Irma and April while thrashing some Hydra) Some people think there's something brewing between Black Widow and myself. She's a great gal, though a bit complicated. Tony Stark has told me that complicated women are the best kind to get to know, something about the challenge leading to fireworks in the bedroom, but I don't know. Fireworks in the bedroom seems like a dangerous scenario. I'm just trying to make sure the world is safe, not putting out a fire in my bedroom. Ya know?
Irma: He's such a hero.
April: A hero who is still needing to learn more about lingo in the 21st Century. Even you would be running circles around him in the romance department. Ok enough of the lusting about. Let's focus. It doesn't have to always be about love and romance. Ask him about his documentary.
Irma: Oh yeah! But can I just look at those arms a little longer?
April: No Irma! Focus!
Irma: Oh all right. Cap, your docu-action drama about the Winter Soldier played well and made a ton of money proving that documentaries are the best. What's it like to have your action filled life taped and played at the movies?
Captain America: (sizes up his competition) It's interesting. I'm glad to know that people want to see stories involving freedom and the spirit of the super hero that is in every one of us. This looks like a lot of work, but really, anyone can do it. We're all heroes in our own way. No matter what we do. We're all in this together; to stop Hydra!
An epic battle commences that Irma tries to capture in photo...
April: Damn it Irma! Take the pictures! We have to share this with the readers!
Irma: I'm trying April! But the button is stuck.
April: Crap! Your camera is busted. (gets mesmerized in all the action) Oh wow, if I were Hydra, I'd never try to act up again.
Irma: Goodness, he is so hot.
April: Quiet Irma, he is approaching!
Captain America walks up to the journalists with his helmet off.
April: (speechless) Oh. My. He is really dreamy.
Irma: Told you April.
Captain America: Sorry about that. Hydra cells have been popping out from every which way. We live in strange times.
Irma: Strange times indeed, but it's nice that some things can always stay the same. Like Heroic Hotties.
Captain America: Ah yes. The interview. What exactly does a 'Heroic Hottie' mean?
Irma: Go ahead April. Explain it to Captain America.
April: (sighs) I wish Miss M were here. She could just take on all this foolishness.
Captain America: Ok. I'm not understanding this.
April: The Heroic Hottie is a designation given to the heroes that make us swoon. Every month they are posted with an accompanying interview. You were picked for April, for your bravery and ideals that work to make the world a better place.
Irma: You're also way dreamy. Way.
April: Feel free to ignore her.
Captain America: It's ok. I like it. This new world I live in has taken some getting used to, but I don't mind it.
April: Ok, so what are your plans for the future Cap?
Captain America: I will be appearing with the Avengers soon for another team up. The world is begging to see us go up against Ultron. It should be interesting. I might also try to actually go on a date.
Irma: Oh, I'm currently sing...
April: (quickly interrupts) Pay no attention to her! I thank you for taking the time to be interviewed and to clean up some Hydra.
Captain America: It was my pleasure.
Irma: (sighs dreamily) Bye Captain America.
Captain America: Farewell Irma. And please, call me Steve.
April 2014 Heroic Hottie
Irma: Did you hear that April? He told me to call him Steve.
April: Yes, I heard.
Irma: (sighs) Steve Rogers. Irma and Steve. Steve and Irma. Mrs. Captain America. Mrs. Irma Rogers. Mr. Steve Langinstein... oh the possibilities!
April: Calm down hon. I'm going back to the office, I suggest you... find a tub with some ice in it.
Irma: He'd make for the perfect super hero themed wedding!
April: Good bye Irma!
April walks off and heads to her office...
April: I'm glad you could meet me. I know it took a lot for you to get here, but I've just been really worried about you.
Michelangelo: I'm fine April. Totally gnarly.
April: I don't believe it. You have been locked up in the house ever since M died. Your brothers have been worried about you. They've had to find recruits to help them fight against Shredder and the Foot. You can't keep yourself locked up forever Mikey.
Michelangelo: Maybe I want to stay locked up. Why leave? What's the point of going out and doing anything anymore, huh dudette?
April: There's plenty! Miss M would not want you wasting your life in her old bedroom listening to Morrissey. You gotta snap out of it! And I know just the thing.
Michelangelo: Really? And what's that?
April: You are going with me to a charity event.
Michelangelo: No way dudette.
April: Come on Mikey. I need you there with me. It'd be a great chance for you to get out of the house and mingle with other people. Plus, I need your party spirit for this event. Big time.
Michelangelo: What's the charity for?
April: Ok so this annoying girl named Mila used to work for me. She was tiresome. Anyways, she left and decided to get an event together about saving the Wii U from extinction. I thought she was a rich crack pot, but she actually went and did it. She is having a gala event to help save the Wii U! Everyone who is everyone is going to be there and since I took a journalistic oath to report all news to the public, I have to go. And I need you with me. Please.
Michelangelo: (thinks about it for a sec) Will there be good food?
April: I'm sure. Probably even pizza.
Michelangelo: Cowabunga! I'll go. But only because M would want me to get out.
As the two continue to talk, neither notice Miss M (trapped in Moth Lady's body) peeking through the window.
Miss M: (sighs) Oh there he is. My love. Oh Michelangelo, I miss you so much.
Miss M: So it's settled. I'm going to find a way to attend that Wii U charity and I will get Michelangelo to finally see that I am here, right in front of him. It really pays to stalk him. Soon I'll be reunited with my love... it'll just have to be in this rickety body.
Moth Lady: (screams from inside their shared minds) Not so fast girly! I'm clawing my way through this brain mush and I'm going to be free! You hear me! Free! I'll be in control of my body once more and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
Miss M: (mentally slaps Moth Lady with words) Oh yes I will. Love will save the day Moth Lady. Love always saves the day.
Happy with her new plan, Miss M rushes off back to her home under the bridge with her pet Roach for company. And a nightly brawl at the local discotheque.
Well, do I really have to say it? Oh, and Batman jumps into the story in April! Don't go anywhere!