Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Miss M Presents: Countdown to Evil!

Dear Diary:

The world has gone mad. No truly, it has. I can't make sense of anything. The Conference of Evil is merely a few days away. I don't think I'll be attending. Last year was a mess since so many bad guys wanted me dead. The funny thing is that they totally got their wish. I'm here though, alive and trying to find my way back into my old body. My biggest goal is to break into Bruce Wayne's Archival Room and borrow the dragon figurine in there. Notice Diary, I am using the word borrow. I don't plan on stealing. Just a simple borrow. That can't be that bad of a thing, right?

Miss M

And now...

Miss M Presents:
Countdown to Evil!

Miss M: Bruce? Are you busy?
Bruce Wayne: Oh, not at all. How are you doing M?
Miss M: I'm totally fine. Completely fine. Listen, I wanted to ask you something...
Bruce Wayne: Sure.
Miss M: Could I... borrow something from your Archival Room?

Bruce Wayne: What do you know about that room?
Miss M: (looks nervous) Ok... so... I may or may not have used your high tech cameras to spy on the innards of your Archival Room. Ya know, you've got a lot of stuff and I couldn't help but notice that you have what looks to be a dragon figurine.
Bruce Wayne: I can't believe you searched through my Archival Room with my camera system.

Miss M: I know. I'm a total snoop and I totally understand that you are angry, but I have good reason. I know you know about Maleficent and how she needs this dragon figurine of hers, and if I can deliver the goods she'll put me back into my original body. She's like magical and stuff.
Bruce Wayne: How do you even know you can trust her?
Miss M: I don't. But I'll do anything to return to my body.
Bruce Wayne: M, the body you are in is perfectly fine.

Miss M: Excuse me? Have you seen these thighs? And while my psyche might be free from the real Moth Lady, I can't trust that I'll always be in control of this body. I have access to Moth Lady's memories and feelings. She's deadly! I just want to go back to my old life.
Bruce Wayne: Your old life will no longer be here with me though.
Miss M: So? I don't understand.

Bruce Wayne: I like you here. If you go back, you'll leave.
Miss M: It's not like I'll never speak to you again. Bruce, I need your help.
Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry M. I can't. I won't give you access to my Archival Room.
Miss M: (in shock) How can you be like this? You are a cruel man! Incorrigible! Why I never!
Bruce Wayne: (looks away) I can't help you. I refuse.

Miss M: Ya know, for a super hero, you sure are dumb.

Miss M storms off leaving Bruce alone.

Bruce Wayne: What am I doing?


Megan Fox: Soo, you have traveled back in time with the Ninja Turtles?
April: It was the early 90's. We were still coming down from the 80's.

Megan Fox: No shit. Goodness, they need to make that story into a movie. Could you imagine the costumes?
April: I can actually.
Megan Fox: Wow. I've learned so much about you April. It's been a good day. I've gotta get going though. Mel is planning on shooting more extra scenes for the movie. I'll see you later.

April: Wait! Before you go, I want to give you a gift. Follow me.

Megan Fox: I love gifts.

April: (smiles with a gleam in her eye) I knew you would!

Moments later...

Megan Fox: Hey! Let me out of here! What are you doing!?

April: Sorry Megan. You're a sweet girl. You really are. But let's be real. There can only be one person to play April O'Neil, and that's me.

Megan Fox: You can't just leave me down here! I'm in a pit!

April: Oh put the lotion on your skin and shut it. I've got a show to do!

April O'Neil rushes off for her close up.


Brandine: Ban the Conference of Evil!

Cletus: Evil is a joke! Not even a funny one!

Gung Ho: Yo Joe!

Sideshow Mel: (shouts at April) Where is Megan? We are supposed to be filming today.
April: (lies) I am so sorry. She left town, something about leaving for a 90210 Convention. Apparently she's a big fan. Who knew?

Sideshow Mel: Who the hell are you?
April: I'm April O'Neil, Megan's understudy.
Sideshow Mel: There are no understudies in film! What sort of joke is this?

April: The kind of joke that brings in the big bucks. No one wants to see a pouty twenty something play an intrepid reporter with a great yellow jumpsuit. I have 60 of these in my closet. I was born to play me in a movie. I won't let you down.
Sideshow Mel: None of this makes any sense.
April: I know. But just go with me on this journey. Let's make some art!

As they prepare for their work, a shiny beacon of light streaks through the sky...

The light crashes in a burst of glittery magic as terror arrives in the form of Maleficent disguised as Superwoman!!!

Superwoman: Stupid mortals!

Brandine: Hey Cletus, look at that funny lookin lady. She ain't got no pants.

Cletus: I think that's Lady Gaga.

Brandine: Sign my belly shug!

Superwoman: Bah! Stupid fools with your protests! Nothing is stopping the Conference of Evil!

April: Sideshow Mel, are you getting this?

Sideshow Mel: Of course. It's not in the script, but who cares at this point.

April: Send a copy to the news. This doesn't look good.

Superwoman: I know the cameras are on me. I know you are all watching. So hear me. The Conference of Evil is going to continue. In but a few days this city will be overrun with the greatest evil minds the world has ever seen. Cities across the world, take part in this dastardly delicious Con! Let the Conference of Evil be a world wide event! Calling all villains! Converge upon this doomed city and the world we shall soon claim as our own. And for those who try to stop us, curses for all! (laughs maniacally before flying off)

April: Mel, forget the movie. We need to be broadcasting this for the news.
Sideshow Mel: That's not what I signed up for.
April: Whatever! This is news. Edit it down for your stupid movie, but we have to keep the public informed. Now, focus the camera on me.

April: Ladies and gentlemen, this is April O'Neil with Channel 6 News, bringing to you live the mayhem that is unfolding on Main Street when just a few moments ago Superwoman from the evil Crime Syndicate announced an open invitation for villains across the world to converge upon the Conference of Evil. Protesters of the conference are even further up in arms demonstrating their fear and concern with the upcoming events.

April: Ma'am, could you tell us what happened?

Helen Lovejoy: Can someone please think of the children? Hide! Everyone must hide. Evil is coming. Run. The city is no longer safe. We're all going to die.

April: Ok, wrong person to talk to. That's all for now. For more news on this breaking event, stick to Channel 6.

Sideshow Mel: You realize I was only recording you on tape. This hasn't been broadcast at all.

April: But it will. Trust me. Just get it together. I'll be right back. (heads towards a payphone)

April: Irma, are you there?

Irma: Yeah, what's up?
April: Listen, forget the interviews, we have a bigger story unfolding. Superwoman just crashed the protesters for the Conference of Evil. She is sending out a public plea for all evil to descend upon the city.
Irma: Oh wow. That sounds like a headache.

April: It is. Which is why I need you here now. The Conference of Evil is approaching and I'm getting us in.
Irma: I don't really want to go.
April: Too bad. We're going in to report behind the scenes at the biggest event of the year.

Irma: Why couldn't we go to San Diego Comic Con instead?
April: Because this is better. Trust me. I know how we are going to save the Diary. We'll be the only ones reporting behind the scenes. We could end up saving the city.

Irma: (sighs) Fine. I'll be there in a sec.

April: Great.

The two hang up. Another meanwhile, Miss M has a secret meeting with a Cat Lady...

Catwoman: Bruce must be slumming it, he let you stay in his mansion?
Miss M: Yes. And if you had any idea who I really was you wouldn't be saying such things.
Catwoman: Oh really? Just who are you?

Miss M: (twists her lips) My name is Moth Lady and I heard you are the best cat burglar in town.
Catwoman: Yeah, I'm one of the best.
Miss M: I need help getting into an Archival Room.
Catwoman: You want inside Bruce Wayne's Archival Room?
Miss M: Yes.
Catwoman: You're a brave woman tracking me down and asking me to help you break into my ex boyfriend's mansion. How is Bruce doing?
Miss M: He's healing from an attack by a giant roach.

Catwoman: What? A rich bachelor is attacked by a measly roach? That sounds pathetic. You're making that up.
Miss M: Look, let's both cut the crap. It smells. You and I both know who Bruce really is and I know who you are Selina.
Catwoman: Back up Crimpy. How do you know this?
Miss M: It doesn't matter. Let's just say I'm an old friend and once I have taken what I need from that Archival Room, everything will be revealed. It will all make sense.

Catwoman: You sound crazy. But I'll help you. Bruce, or rather, the Bat, broke my heart. No one gets away with that. Here, I'll tell you everything you need to know.

Miss M listens to the details while in the After Life another set of listening ears are being put to the test.

Angela: You know where Miss Elizabeth is and how we can get to her?

Ed: Yep. She told me the scoop. The fate of the After Life and Earth are in trouble. Some lady named Maleficent left the After Life and is planning something bad, like really bad.

Tiffany: There's no way we can save Miss Elizabeth. Maleficent has unleashed her army of Dark Ponies in the After Life. We won't stand a chance.

Cosmic Angela: There's always a chance. We have to help Miss Elizabeth. Thanks to this nerdy block head, we now have the chance to do this. We can't let Maleficent win.

Angela: Ok, that settles it. Ed, you're helping us.

Ed: Cool. Do I get to be an Angel?

Angela: If you don't mind wearing a metal bikini and bondage wear.

Ed: Nah, I'm cool with the panda suit.

Angela: Let's go!

Meanwhile at Bruce Wayne's Archival Room...

Miss M: I can't believe Catwoman gave me the code to his Archival Room. This was just too easy.

Miss M turns at the sound of a voice...

Miss M: (in fear) I haven't done anything wrong!

Sherry: You don't have access to this room.

Miss M: Oh, hello little girl. You must be lost. How bout I buy you a Happy Meal when I'm done with my important grown up business, ok?

Sherry: Master Wayne has told me who has access and who does not. You are not on the list.
Miss M: Aren't there things against child labor laws? Why does he have you in here?
Sherry: I am not a child. I am a computer security program designed to look like something sweet and innocent. I am rather quite deadly.

Miss M: No offense, but you look like a silly kid. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find something.

Sherry: Suit yourself, but if you step further into the Archival Room, you will die.
Miss M: (laughs with a shrug) Been there done that. You don't scare me.

Miss M walks off.

Sherry: Computer override, initiate program Over Kill. Code input- Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, START!

Up Next!

This weekend there is only one place to be: the Conference of Evil!!! As Diary of a Dorkette nears its third year entertaining the world over, sit back with a snack and prepare for the madness to unfold when all your favorite villains show up for the conference to end all conferences. Be there or be Lo Pan's bride!    


  1. "Have you seen these thighs? The World Cup has been over for weeks, but I'm still instinctively kicking things!"

    I can see how Cletus would think Superwoman is Lady Gaga.

    Not sure I'm fond of an After Life that has mirrored floors. Full length mirrors can be hazardous enough to my self image.

    Oh, Sherry from Resident Evil. It took me a while to figure that out since I never played the games and only had her name to go on for a Google search, but I finally deduced her identity. I feel on top of the world!

  2. Well,I dunno if Diary of Dorkette has achieved global popularity or not-but you have certainly rocked MY world for three years pretty girl!

    Now, I have a confession, just as you don't drink coffee,and that is a thing everybody does-well here is mine: I don't watch the Simpsons. Well, I never have regularly watched it.I've watched it in reruns, and I think it's funny, but, when I was a kid back in 89, my dad was dead, my mom probably thought it was too "adult"for me to watch, so I never really got into it! It's the one thing from 80's 90's pop culture that I couldn't answer trivia questions about! haha!
    I'm gonna start a chant now, "ed-Ed-ED!-ED!" -said it before, and I'll say it again, I LOVE ED!!!! -main hero of the Diary!!

  3. This is that vampire Moth lady movie I was telling you about!

  4. Nice figured toy miss m after proably asking and being turned down by bruce would resort to the best burglar around catwoman . and love the little homage to resident evil with the security system.