Like I've said before, no one says no to April, especially when she is one's mentor. After doing my best to figure out the special coordinates for this month's Heroic Hottie, I went on my way to interview a Real Plastic American Hero!
March 2013 Heroic Hottie
Diary of a Dorkette: Hello Joe Colton. It is nice to finally meet you.Joe Colton: Yeah kid, nice to meet you too.
Diary: It is very interesting, I've talked to a few other Joes, and they all say that you are the original G.I. Joe. I thought you would be much taller...
Joe: I get that a lot.
Diary: Well let's talk the new G.I. Joe movie. Ya know, last June I interviewed your co-star Roadblock, and it was a bittersweet interview. He had been so pumped for the new G.I. Joe movie, but it got pushed back. A Cobra conspiracy quickly followed, so what can you tell us? Will G.I. Joe Retaliation actually make it to theaters this week?
Joe: I can say with all sincerity, that G.I. Joe Retaliation will be in theaters on March 29th. Cobra will not be interfering at all.
Diary: How is Roadblock doing? That had been an unpredictable interview, I hope he is ok.
Joe: He is fine. The Joes never let Cobra win.
Diary: That makes sense. What kind of world would it be if Cobra actually won? Anyways, I am just thrilled that you are the March Heroic Hottie. I normally interview young buff super heroes or guys from other planets, but Joe Colton, you are a cat daddy!
Joe: Yeah, about all that, why am I taking pictures with these?
Diary: Oh! The lollipops. Yes. Well, earlier in the month I interviewed the Wicked Witch of the West, and while taking a tour of Oz, the Lollipop Guild sent me home with some treats. I thought it would be a gas to show you using candy by way of a weapon instead of all those cumbersome guns.
Joe: But I came here with an assortment of guns and missiles. I thought I would be posing with my guns.
Diary: Well... there was just a change in plans. I mean Dum-Dums pack a powerful punch.
Joe: This is pink.
Diary: Hey now! Don't be disgusted. There is nothing wrong with the color pink. Don't make me call Zarana on you.
Joe: Do you work for Cobra?
Diary: Oh God no. They wouldn't hire me if I wanted to. Rumor has it that the Baroness destroys all applications from female Cobra applicants. Something about protecting Destro's wandering eye or something. Besides, I'm not much for being a villain.
Joe: Right. I thought this interview was going to be about me?
Diary: Well of course it is! Who else would it be about? Ya know... I can't help but think I've seen you in other things before?
Joe: Aside from my extensive work in the field, I have also lent my dashing good looks to film.
Diary: I don't really watch a lot of action films, so I don't think I've seen you in movies.
Joe: Kid, I'm sure you've seen me in films. I'm not just an action movie star though. I've been in all kinds of films.
Diary: You don't really strike me as someone who would star in other genres.
Joe: Let me school you on something kid, I've done plenty of films. I've starred in romances...
Joe: I was a romantic leading man long before I ever blasted my way through an exploding building.
Diary: Some would say it isn't much of a stretch to act in a romance or an action flick.
Joe: True, they can both be a living hell. But how about this, I've appeared in a few period pieces...
Diary: Yuck. I really hate period pieces. I mean what makes someone think they know what life was like hundreds of years ago? I mean I'm fairly certain that implants, injectables, muscles, and old people weren't hanging around in 1642, ya know what I mean?
Joe: No, not really. Has anyone ever told you that you talk a terrible lot?
Diary: Yes. Yes. Yes. They also say I hardly ever make any sense too.
Joe: I can see that. But, I've also been in westerns...
Joe: Err, it was more like a southwestern trip on acid.
Diary: Now I'd see that! But preposterous stories aside, you aren't really a movie star until you've appeared in some good science fiction. Have you ever been in anything sci-fi?
Joe: It's entirely possible...
Joe: Am I going to get the chance to pose with my guns?
Diary: Why are you so obsessed with wanting to pose with your obnoxiously large guns? Don't you know how that makes you look?
Joe: Bad ass? A real winner?
Diary: No. Hardly. It makes you look like you aren't packing anything in other areas. If you can catch my drift.
Joe: Please. People don't think that.
Diary: Well maybe not other members in your team, but I can guarantee you, I think that way. And if I think that way, I highly doubt I am alone.
Joe: Oh kid, I need to fire my agent. I keep getting involved with the shittiest interviews.
Diary: Ok, so maybe I am slightly annoying. But you have to admit, this is a far better interview than the one I did with Roadblock. So far there hasn't even been a peep from Cobra!
Joe: That isn't a really great form of measurement.
Diary: Anyways, what do you think people will come to expect from G.I. Joe Retaliation?
Joe: A lot of explosions. Great action. The eternal struggle between good and evil. And ninjas. Lots of ninjas. 2012 was supposed to be the year of the ninja, but it just got moved back to 2013.
Diary: Such a strange time to be a part of pop culture.
Joe: Your tellin me. Listen kid, this interview has been really... well it was really something for sure. Anyways, I'm getting a call that Cobra is up to something bothersome. So we need to cut this short.
Diary: Oh. Of course. I understand. I really appreciate you wanting to be interviewed. I'll be sure to let you know when the interview is posted!
Joe: Nah, don't bother with that. I'll be in an area where I won't, um, have Internet access or something.
Diary: Oh. I understand. Well be careful!
Joe: Yeah. Sure thing kid. Say, can I take some of these Dum-Dums with me?
Diary: Sure, I don't see why not.
Joe: Perfect. Let's see if these bad boys can do some damage.
In a flash, Joe Colton zoomed off to supposedly take care of the Cobra menace. With the interview officially over, I went off to eat some Dum-Dums and listen to a new, rather lengthy, voice mail from April, "M. I just got off the phone with Joe Colton. He hated meeting you. Just hated you from head to toe. He firmly believes you are either dead or a vampire. He doesn't trust your pale skin and he is planning on suing if the Dum-Dums mess up his plans against Cobra or the outcome of the box office for the new G.I. Joe movie. I'm not sure what that exactly means, but you better hope he doesn't sue. I don't know what we are going to do, you keep going into these interviews, and I just never know what people are going to say after you are done with them. Listen he said all will be forgiven if you can at least try to get him a date with Jem. I know, I know, Jem would never go for a guy that barely comes up to her knee, but just humor the man. And while you are at it, let's have a girl's night. I know where we can get some good pizza. This month has been rough, let me tell you..." The voice mail ended with a beep.
So with an all new Heroic Hottie officially over and done with, I have just one thing left to say. Be sure to check out G.I. Joe Retaliation this Friday, March 29th. Hopefully it will be entertaining. If not, I might be sued. That job with Cobra is looking better and better.
March 2013 Heroic Hottie
March isn't over yet. We've got one more interview left, and it is going to be truly wonderful! Hope everyone is doing well.