Countdown to Halloween Edition: October 2013 Woman of Wonderosity!

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling electric. Positively electric. Or is it eclectic? Crap. I don't know which word I'm trying to use and it doesn't really matter. I've been running around like a fool for love. As Madonna once said, I believe in the power of love. As a result I've been trying to play match maker to quite a few folks. Everyone deserves a special Halloween romance, and with the holiday almost here, I fear I might fail in my efforts. Enough of my problems though, I'm sporting a possible contender for the perfect Halloween costume ever, and I need to settle in with a meeting with my mentor and friend: April O'Neil. Someone has been sending her bedazzled black roses and buckets of Halloween candy. I smell romance, and it is sweet!

-Miss M


Miss M: Hey April.

April: What are you wearing?
Miss M: Oh, this is what I was thinking of wearing for Halloween this year. I'm going as Belle. We both love books, we're both brunettes so I won't have to wear a cheap wig. It all works out.
April: Where did you get this costume? The dress looks... small.
Miss M: About that. Apparently adult Belle costumes are slightly, how do I say this, trampy? I don't recall Belle wearing a corset bralette with mini skirt and thigh highs. Although, the adult costume did come with a book and tea cup. So it was kinda Disney accurate. Either way, I wiggled my way into a Belle costume from the children's department.
April: You look ridiculous.
Miss M: Well I'm not done yet. I just need to add some more fabric at the bottom.
April: Get a better costume. Every year you fail miserably at your costume. M! We're having a huge Halloween party this year, the biggest one ever. You have to bring it.
Miss M: No, I totally get it. I will bring it in spades with bells on. I promise.
April: Now where are we with the Woman of Wonderosity piece? Readers are wondering what the deal is.

Miss M: I'm working on it. I've just been a bit behind. I've been trying to find a love match for Franken Berry, and it has proven to be beyond difficult.
April: Who have you tried?
Miss M: Let's see, I've been everywhere looking for a good love mate...

Strawberry Land

Miss M: So that's why I think you both would make the perfect couple! I mean all that strawberry food everywhere! Can you just imagine?
Strawberry Shortcake: No, I really can't. Honestly M, I love that you were thinking of me, but I don't want to date Franken Berry.
Miss M: Why not? You've both been around for ages, and you love strawberries! Why wouldn't you want to make this connection work?

SS: Honestly? I can't deal with the competition. All that strawberry stuff would just be too much, ya know what I mean? Now if you can get me date with Count Chocula... Goodness he is berry handsome, isn't he? And so rich. In flavor! I mean he's rich in flavor. (Strawberry Shortcake shifts her eyes)
Miss M: Ok, well I think you are making a mistake.

SS: Whatever you say M. Now are you gonna scoot? I've got a cake burning.
Miss M: All right. I'm out.

A posh apartment in New York City

Miss M: So this is what I'm thinking. You've had some major let downs with men, I know how it feels. You need someone who is sensitive to your needs, someone who will bring you breakfast in bed. That's why I think you should really consider going on a date with Franken Berry. (Miss M pauses) Dana? Are you listening to me? Would you like to go on a date with Franken Berry? Dana?

Dana: There is no Dana, only Zuul.
Miss M: Oh honey, you drank some tap water again didn't you? Crap. I hope you still have the number to poison control on your fridge.

House of mirrors

Vanity: Tell me something good. Have you found me a lovah yet Miss M?
Miss M: Oh Vanity, I'm so sorry. I have just been trying to find love for everyone. My latest attempt for Franken Berry has just consumed all my time.
Vanity: Ohhh, Franken Berry? Who is he? He sounds scrumptious.

Miss M: I don't think you are his type. Come to think of it, I don't think he'd be your type either. You tend to fall for short blue guys with plenty of muscles.
Vanity: So true M, so true. If only there was a Gym Rat Smurf. Oh well. Visiting has been fun, but you must be leaving. You're interrupting my face time.

Vanity: See yourself out.
Miss M: Sigh. Bye Vanity.

Back in the office...

Miss M: Do you understand now how busy I've been April? It has just been too much.

April: Goodness M. These are all your friends. You see them on a regular basis. Give me a break. Get on with the interview. We need to fulfill our quota for the month. But while we're on the subject of your friends, be sure to invite them to the party. Especially Dana. She just seems fascinating.
Miss M: Sure thing. Listen April, before I go, who sent you that bouquet of bedazzled black roses and all that Halloween candy? Did they come from Casey Jones by any chance?
April: Here we go, yet again. Casey Jones did not send me the Halloween flowers and treats. Ok? Get it through that pretty little head of yours, Casey and I are divorced. Tammy Wynette divorced. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Got it?
Miss M: But you two still hook up...
April: Welcome to the real world M. Sometimes it is nice to just scratch a familiar itch, ya know?
Miss M: I guess.
April: Don't fret M. I'm fine. Now why don't you get out of that silly costume and get on with this month's Woman of Wonderosity, hm?

Miss M: Sure. Whatever you say. (Miss M leaves for the interview)

October 2013 Woman of Wonderosity!

The Bride of Frankenstein gracefully enters into the interview ready to shake the hands of Miss M.

Miss M: Oh wow, this is a bit much. Even for me.
Bride of Frankenstein: Welcome to my home. Please, call me Elsa.

Miss M: Ok. You have a lovely place.
Elsa: Thank you. Being a Universal Monster has afforded me the finer things in life.

Miss M: Speaking of the finer things in life, could we maybe turn some lights on? I look much better in Technicolor.
Elsa: Of course.

Clapping her hands, Elsa lets the color in.

Miss M: Much better. It's one thing to enjoy a good old black and white movie on screen, but I just feel so washed out when I'm in one.
Elsa: If that is what you wish to believe.
Miss M: It is nice to meet you again.
Elsa: I agree. We actually can talk more this time.
Miss M: That is true. You have only ever appeared on Diary of a Dorkette for a photo spread. It's nice to finally talk. I've always been curious, were you always able to talk or was it something you learned?
Elsa: Oh my sweet dear, I could always talk. I merely had to perfect my hiss. I based it off of swans. They sound so haunting. It was perfect for my role.
Miss M: Speaking of your role, I must say, The Bride of Frankenstein is my favorite of the Universal Monster movies. Of course, this is all due to you.
Elsa: Why thank you. It was the role of a lifetime.

Miss M: It's true. From an early age I have always thought your image has been simply iconic. You have hair that RuPaul would be jealous of. Your face is pure perfection. The whole look is simple yet striking. It was you that made me fall in love with monsters in the first place. Well, maybe the Creature from the Black Lagoon also had something to do with it, but you are just amazing.
Elsa: I am so thrilled to hear you say that. I don't get too many interviews anymore, so this is special.
Miss M: Ok, so let's go back. You starred in the Bride of Frankenstein, the sequel to Frankenstein. Some say that the sequel was better than the original. What was it like to work on the Bride of Frankenstein?

Elsa: It was wonderful. We just wanted to make a movie, and the director James Whale by all accounts created something magical. We were censored in parts of the world! You know something magical is happening when the Horde Empire refuses to show the film.
Miss M: Now, in the movie the Monster and you don't really mesh well, but in real life there was quite the romance correct?
Elsa: Of course. I married the Monster. There were so many parts to love. Of course our marriage ended on a rather sour note. Love doesn't always last.

Miss M: Would you care to comment on the rumors that you are Frankie Stein's mother?
Elsa: Well I suppose parts of me could be, but I can't really comment on rumors. I will say though, I am thrilled that the ghouls from Monster High are continuing to keep the tradition of creepy monsters alive and fresh for new generations.
Miss M: I think you are doing a good job of keeping the monster spirit alive for future generations. This Friday The Bride of Frankenstein is scheduled to appear on Turner Classic Movies. This is of course a perfect opportunity for people to see this movie again, or for the first time!
Elsa: Yes, that sounds like a wonderful time.

At this moment in the interview, Elsa's arm falls off. Miss M screams in total shock.

Miss M: You're arm! It just fell off!
Elsa: As arms tend to do on me. My maker did the best to make me into the perfect mate, but, I sometimes fall to pieces at the drop of a dime. For more questions or concerns on the mad plastic surgeon that made me, please head to Diamond Select.
Miss M: Ok. Let me help you put it back.

Elsa: Can I ask you something Miss M?
Miss M: Sure.
Elsa: What are you doing?
Miss M: I beg your pardon?
Elsa: With your life, what are you doing with it? Are you in a good place?
Miss M: I guess I am. I mean, I'm here talking with you. It doesn't get much better than that.
Elsa: But it could. It really could. Promise me something, whatever you do, don't give up.

Miss M: Ok, are you going to start hissing at me now? Is this place going to collapse around us?
Elsa: No. I just have a funny feeling that something awful is going to happen to you, and I want to make sure that no matter what, you don't give up.
Miss M: Umm, ok. Weird. Well, what about you? Do you ever wonder if you are in a good place?
Elsa: I think so. I have to admit, I sometimes wish I was young and in love. I just feel so old. Sometimes all a girl has with her at night is her status as an iconic relic.
Miss M: Oh no! You aren't a relic! You're still young! You don't look like you've aged a day since 1935! (Miss M pauses as her mind-gears start turning to the inevitable conclusion) I think I might know someone that is perfect for you!
Elsa: Really? Someone for me to date?

Miss M: Yes! Come on, let's go back to my office. I'll introduce you to each other! He is just perfect. Before we go though, do you like disco?
Elsa: It was a little after my time, but I can swing it.
Miss M: Great! Let's go!

A few moments later...

Miss M: So Franken Berry, meet Elsa! Elsa, meet Franken Berry!
Elsa: (to Franken Berry) I've heard of you.
Franken Berry: The pleasure is all mine. I never thought I'd be introduced to an icon!
Miss M: Well you are both icons in your own right. So I figured, who better to date an icon than with another icon! Score 47 and a half for Miss M! I haven't messed up a love match yet! (looks at the two) Well, I'll leave you two alone. Get to know each other, talk, laugh! Have fun!

Miss M leaves.

Franken Berry: Do you like cereal?
Elsa: Yes, I guess so.
Franken Berry: Me too.
Elsa: (pauses from the conversation to sniff the air) Do you smell artificial strawberry in the air? Or do I need a new nose?
Franken Berry: It's actually me.

In the next room...

April: M, who is in that room?
Miss M: Just my latest love match duo!
April: Oh no. Not again. M, you are horrible at making love matches.
Miss M: I am not! Just listen, if you are quiet, you can hear the laughter and happiness of a new romance!
April: All I can hear is a disaster forming. Are you seriously trying to make a love match between Franken Berry and the Bride of Frankenstein? Did you not watch the movie?

Miss M: Of course I did. It was a movie though April. Movies aren't real. And her name isn't the Bride of Frankenstein. She goes by Elsa.
April: Whatever. You don't fake an on-screen hiss like that. M, I'm telling you, this plan you have devised is stupid and it reeks of cliché.
Miss M: Oh look at you with the big words. I happen to think that Franken Berry and Elsa make a cute couple! Just listen to them! They are laughing and talking.

April: (shakes her head) That or one of them is plotting something evil.
Miss M: You're just old and bitter.
April: If you want to keep your job I'd zip it. Now get back to workin' on a killer costume for Halloween. I'm done with this mess.

April walks off as Miss M looks back towards her latest love match.

Miss M: This was a good idea. It just has to be a good idea, right?

Miss M ponders the question to herself as she listens to the sounds of new love blossoming. She can only smile. It's Halloween time. Love is in the air. April has a ton of candy on her desk that looks really good. And Miss M needs to get her costume together. She'll find her way through it all. She always does.

October 2013 Woman of Wonderosity!