Thursday, January 23, 2014

January 2014 Heroic Hottie!

It's time for an all new toy interview with the hottest of the hot! Can the new toy journalist Mila Rosnovsky from Swans Crossing fill in Miss M's dead shoes? There is only one way to find out! Click below to find out who starts the year as the first Heroic Hottie of 2014!

April: Are you ready for your first interview for Diary of a Dorkette Mila?
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg! Of course I am. I'm ready to rock this interview like the concert I performed in for the re-election of Mayor Rutledge! Circa 1992 betch.
April: Did you just burp?
Mila: Ugh. No. I called you a betch. Betch.

April: (rubs her head) I'm regretting this hire already.
Mila: So like, who am I interviewing today?
April: Video game royalty.

Mila: Really? So if we are interviewing royalty, what's with the tacky diorama behind us?
April: It's a special backdrop that our guest requested.
Mila: Really? O.M.G.Dawg. I am, like, interviewing someone with no taste if they wanted this ugly thing in the background. 

April: Watch what you say. This background scene was built by the late Miss M, a personal friend and the reason you even have this job. She made it in Junior High and it was displayed in the school library even! Our guest prefers this display every time we talk.
Mila: But it is just the ugliest thing ever... 

April: (pauses) It has a certain sense of charm...
Mila: Like what the butt? It looks dirty. Is it made of old newspaper?
April: Well yes. That is part of the process of paper mâché
Mila: Eww. That's basically, like, chewed paper. This Miss M girl sounds like she was a hoarder.
April: Look chick. My dead friend wasn't the most talented of people and she had a few issues and subscriptions, but she is dead. And this is the background that our guest wanted, so just do your damn job!

April rushes off to attend to other work securing the spot for the month's Bodacious Baddie. Mila is left to her own devices. 

Mila: Oh I can't even deal with this. I could be on a yacht right now.

Soon it is time for the...

January 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Mila: Umm, excuse me, but this is a closed set. I'm gonna need you to flit around somewhere else. Kay?
Mario: But it's-a me! Mario!
Mila: Ok. Am I supposed to care?
Mario: I'm-a tha Italian plumber! Everybody knows who I am.
Mila: Gross. No one told me there was a toilet issue. Ugh. (whines) I wanna be on a yacht.

Mario: Too bad. You're supposed to interview-a me! Mario: the January 2014 Heroic Hottie!
Mila: (in shock) I'm interviewing you! I can't interview you! You wear overalls and work on toilets. How is that hot? (Editor's note: plumbers are totally hot, for reference, head over to the 2013 August Heroic Hottie for proof! You're welcome- April)
Mario: I'm-a the face of Nintendo! I wish-a Miss M were still alive.
Mila: Oh, the weird dork girl that was interested in paper mâché? Why does everyone keep talking about her? 

Mario: (looks sad) She made this-a for me. 
Mila: Was that blob of chewed paper supposed to be you?
Mario: (wipes tear from his eyes) Yes.
Mila: So you're the face of Nintendo. Would I know you from anything?

Mario: Of course! I've-a starred in numerous video games. I date-a the Princess Toadstool of-a the Mushroom Kingdom. 
Mila: Why haven't I heard of you before? What was one of your video games?
Mario: Uhh let's-a see. I was in-a Super Mario Bros. Super Mario Galaxy. Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars...
Mila: Wow, you're like really into yourself.
Mario: I don't-a understand?
Mila: That's a lot of self named titles. Duh. So you said Mario Bros. Do you have a brother?
Mario: Yes. His-a name Luigi.
Mila: (eyes widen) Stop! You're related to Luigi? As in the Luigi? Of Luigi's Mansion fame?
Mario: (shakes his head) Oh Mama Mia. 

Mila: (really excited) What's Luigi like? Is it true he can jump really high? Oh, he is just the cutest. Is he dating anyone?
Mario: I'm-a confused. 
Mila: Well do you, like, need me to fill in some more brain cells for you? Is your taller, more sexier, brother seeing anyone? Cuz I'm like, down for whatev. 
Mario: Ok.

Mila: Oh never mind. I don't think you get it. So can you jump high?
Mario: I'm-a the all star. Everybody love-a me.
Mila: Well you are sort of hot, like in a second rate poor girl's Luigi kinda way. Like, I guess your red hat is fashionable. So, what are you hoping to accomplish in 2014?
Mario: I don't know. Maybe find-a way to make the Wii U more profitable.
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg. Now I've heard of that thing! You might want to cut your losses. That machine is like obsolete.
Mario: No. I can't-a believe that.
Mila: Believe it Luigi's brother. No one cares for the Wii U. 
Mario: What would you do to save-a the Wii U?  

Mila: Me? Well, I would like hold a charity for the Wii U. I'm, like, a star at charity events. And it seems like the Wii U is in need of some charity. I have a friend who owns a yacht. All we'd need to do is invite some rich people. And since I'm rich, I only spend time with rich people who will pay for a nice cause.
Mario: I was-a thinking of more video games for the system. To make it better.
Mila: Uh... yeah right. No one buys those devices to play video games. Get with it Luigi's brother. Everyone knows that already. Trust me, I can find a way to raise the score on the Wii U. 
Mario: (unsure of what he is hearing, but soon realizes there isn't much else he can do) Ok!
Mila: Amazing. So, like, this interview is done. I'm going to get started on the Save the Wii U Charitable Gala event with silent and live auction because people really like fighting for stuff for a good cause. Bye Luigi's brother! Tell Luigi I said hi. Better yet, do you think he could make an appearance?
Mario: (sighs) Mama Mia.

Mila quickly walks off to plan her next event.

Mario sticks around and admires the crummy backdrop for his interview.

Mario: I miss-a you, Miss M.

He stands around to admire Miss M's crappy work for only a little longer. Only a little longer.

January 2014 Heroic Hottie!

But wait! There's more!

Find out what happens with the further ongoing adventures of Miss M in the After Life!

Miss M: Such a lovely day in the After Life! Or is it night? I can't really get the hang of time around here. Everything is so pretty though.

Miss M continues to admire the beauty of the After Life. She has been getting used to being dead and enjoying the perks of eternal living.

Miss M: I wonder who I will see today...

Miss M waves as she notices a familiar face.

Miss M: Charlene!

Charlene: Hey M! Girl, you look so pretty today!
Miss M: So do you!
Charlene: (waves her hand) Girl, we're dead. We look the same way every day.

They both laugh at Charlene's After Life humor. Soon another dinosaur approaches the gab-fest.

Miss M: T Rexanne! It's so nice to see you! You look darling!
T Rexanne: Hey ya'll! How are you Miss M, Charlene?

Charlene: Good honey bunch, just good. Lovely day out.
T Rexanne: I know! I just love the After Life. It does wonders for my skin.
Miss M: Yeah. What are you two up today?
T Rexanne: Not much. I'm plannin on bein a darlin' dino all day.
Charlene: I heard that. Come on Rexanne. Let's bask in our awesomeness. See ya Miss M!

Miss M watches them walk away.  

Miss M: One day I'm really going to muster the strength to ask what really made them extinct. I'll call it, "Dishing the T, with T Rexanne!" Oh if April could see me now!

Walking around some more, Miss M pauses as she hears lots of giggling.

Miss M: Wow. Really? Just when I thought it was safe to like my body, now even Victoria's Secret models are in the After Life? Their look must have been some secret bombshell bondage line. They're so tall. And nothing jiggles at all. Wow. I wonder what they talk about.

Angela: Have any of you slayed any demons in awhile?
Cosmic Angela: No. It's been so boring around here.
Tiffany: There's a blue moon coming soon. We should find ourselves busy then.
Cosmic Angela: Oh goodie! I love it when the doors open. All that evil pouring in, trying to do something. How pathetic.
Angela: Indeed. Evil just never stands a chance. Do either of you miss eating cheeseburgers? I've been feeling an old human craving for one lately.
Tiffany: Me too. I could go for a big bacon double with everything on it...

Miss M: (eavesdropping) I'm so jealous. A big bacon double? I'd die for one too. If I wasn't dead already.

Miss Elizabeth and Angelala soon approach the dorkette. 

Miss Elizabeth: Hi Miss M.
Miss M: Oh! Miss Elizabeth! (looks at the Zelf) Hi Angelala.
Angelala: (opens mouth as a heavenly tune pours out filling the space with music similar to that found in a Final Fantasy game.)
Miss M: Hey, who are those tall scantily clad women over there?

Miss Elizabeth: They are Angels.
Miss M: I knew it! Crap. Victoria's Secret models even in the After Life. I feel so... normal.
Miss Elizabeth: I don't know what that means. The Angels are a brave group of warrior women meant to protect the After Life from any would-be attempts at the hands of evil.
Miss M: They just keep sounding more and more awesome. Le sigh.
Miss Elizabeth: Don't worry. They look intimidating, but the Angels are actually very kind.
Miss M: Oh I know. They crave bacon double cheeseburgers. You can't be cruel and want to eat something like that.
Miss Elizabeth: (smiles) All right. Well Miss M, I have to do some more rounds. See you soon.

Miss M: (watches Miss Elizabeth walk away) I can't get over the fact that I get to talk to her all the time.

Lost in a daze at the new state of her life, M gets ready to walk away but bumps into someone in a panda suit.

Miss M: Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!
Panda suit guy: Hi. Sorry about that. Miss Elizabeth is cool huh?
Miss M: I know! I never thought I'd get the chance to ever meet her, but this has been a nice experience. Not the whole dead thing, that actually sucks...
Panda suit guy: I know. I used to watch Miss Elizabeth on TV back in the day. She is one class act.

Miss M: I watched her too on TV! I loved wrestling back then.
Panda suit guy: You used to watch wrestling?
Miss M: Well, yeah. I mean it was really the only way I could bond with my dad. He didn't really do tea parties and I could never get him to watch She-Ra.

Panda suit guy: Hold on a sec, you know who She-Ra is? What about He-Man?
Miss M: Umm, I not only know who they are, but I actually know them personally. I've interviewed them both numerous times and I've even hung out with She-Ra and her friends at the Crystal Castle.
Panda suit guy: No way! Who are you?
Miss M: I'm Miss M. Who the heck are you?

Panda suit guy: (removes his Panda head) I'm Ed. It's actually short for Edward, but after that whole Twilight craze I started going by Ed for short. I didn't make it much longer after that.
Miss M: Oh. So you've been here for awhile?
Ed: Yeah. Been in the After Life for a couple years now. It's not all that bad. I've actually gotten to meet all kinds of cool dead people. I saw James Dean napping the other day.
Miss M: Oh I know what you mean! I spoke to Bambi's mother earlier today. She looks amazing. You couldn't even really see the burns. I feel like I got to resolve a lot of my childhood issues after talking to her. That movie messed me up. 

Ed: That's really cool.
Miss M: So, if you don't mind my asking, what happened to you?
Ed: Oh no problem at all. I wish I could say I died doing something wild and crazy, but the truth is I was just some guy in his thirties working at the mall in the food court. It was a Panda Express knock off restaurant and I was the dude in the panda suit passing out free samples of food. One day a pack of rabid tweens thought they saw Justin Bieber at the Steak-fil-a. They rushed for him. I was in their way and ended up trampled to death. It's really hard to breathe in a panda suit with a mob of tweens on your windpipe. Damn tweens. What's your story?
Miss M: Have you got a minute?
Ed: Sure. I've got a lot of time on my hands. Wanna sit down?
Miss M: Ok.

Moments later...

Miss M: So I was killed by the wrestler Velvet Sky in an explosion in a sewer.
Ed: Are you sure you're not a Diva?
Miss M: No, I told you, I was a toy journalist. Did you ever read Diary of a Dorkette when you were alive?
Ed: Can't say that I did.
Miss M: Well, it makes no difference. They have probably shut the blog down after my passing. 

Ed: So, let me get this straight, you are a dorkette and you interviewed toys that you also collected? She-Ra and He-Man know you personally, and you may or may not have been a hoarder. You are my dream girl. Guys must have been pouring out of the woodwork to date you!
Miss M: No not really. Though I did have a bad ant problem pouring out of my woodwork once. Raspberry ants are a nuisance.
Ed: (shakes his head) I don't understand. You're like everything I could ever want in a girl. You write She-Ra fanfiction even! That is so cool.
Miss M: Eh. Where I came from guys weren't really jumping to date the girl that had her own toy store. I mean there were some guys. But I tended to date the worst guys possible. Guys that thought I'd stop collecting or guys that would lie about stuff. I mean, the only true love I ever ended up having was with a ninja turtle.

Ed: Wait. Hold the phone. When you say ninja turtle, do you mean a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Miss M: Yes.
Ed: Whoa. Who were you involved with?
Miss M: Michelangelo.
Ed: (highly impressed) Wow! That is awesome! I can't believe you were in a relationship with Michelangelo! I met him at a Con once. He's a really cool dude. I can't believe you were in a relationship with him. 

Miss M: Yeah. I was really happy with him, but as I have been getting used to being in the After Life, I feel differently now. I miss him, but I know I will see him again one day. I think. Turtles can live a very long time, especially the ninja kind, and I don't see him or his brothers going anywhere. So I think I'm going to be alone for awhile. 
Ed: I've been alone for awhile too. It's hard trying to find people you know up here.
Miss M: I know right!? I have been looking for my family members and not a single one of them are around.
Ed: Yeah. This place is pretty big. We can be friends though, if you'd like?
Miss M: Oh, I'd love to! It's nice to meet you Ed.

Ed: Oh, it's very nice to meet you Miss M. So did you play a lot of Nintendo as a kid?
Miss M: Umm, of course!
Ed: This is so awesome.

The two sit together and prepare to converse on the great Nintendo hits of yesteryear, for an eternity. 


  1. Mila just doesn't have your professionalism Miss M. I mean, she didn't even ask Mario how he felt about not being featured in Disney's "Wreck It Ralph" last year.

    I'm don't know how qualified I am to rate a plumber's attractiveness, but it is good to see that they're developing a sense of humor about their ... exposure issue.

    Looks like you passed by both dinosaurs and Rod Liefield drawings made manifest, then I think it safe to say that you're in the land of the dead alright. Whether its Heaven or not is still up for debate. I mean, being surrounded by nearly naked women is one thing, but you're telling me not one part of them jiggles or bounces? That sounds like Hell to me.

    1. lol Yeah, Mila is so not professional. And this is only the first interview! lol There's actually a lot she could have asked Mario too, but she only really seemed interested in Luigi. lol I actually would have liked to have seen Mario in Wreck It Ralph. I think that would have been so cool. Maybe with the sequel? Are they even working on a sequel? I really enjoyed that movie.

      And that link was too funny! lol How hilarious! It took me a second to get it, on account that I'm slow, but oh my goodness that was hilarious. lol

      lol Yeah, I'm in the land of the dead all right. lol And I'm glad you are more pro jiggle and bounce. lol Though I'm sure some of those Angels have a little bounce. Maybe. lol

    2. According to a June 2013 interview with director Rich Moore, there is a sequel "in talks" so we'll see what comes that.

      Since I'm not a gamer, I didn't care much for Wreck It Ralph at first, but after riding high on "Frozen" I picked these fantastic "Making of" coffee table books that Disney has made for each of their animated films (Its fascinating as both an artist and as a film buff!) and its given me a renewed appreciation for that film's quality. It was great to see the inspirations for the fairy tale worlds of something like Tangled and the aforementioned Frozen, but wow, the inspirational material for Wreck It Ralph is just so diverse! Not just the games, but how they looked at Fisher Price toys to get the look of the citizens in the Fix It Felix Jr game to capture their "simple" nature, they actually were allowed onto military bases to caricature real life weapons for the "Hero's Duty" segment, and attended these fancy German candy fairs to achieve the creative look of "Sugar Rush". That part of the book easily had the most photos and it may be the only text I could actually smell. And thats just what made it into the film, there were concept sketches of so many good ideas that had to be cut for time. I suspect the choices of what made it in were determined by back alley knife fights, because there was some unbelievable passion put into making this movie!

      Disney has been really hitting out of the park these last few years. Its a whole new Renaissance age out there. I'm eagerly anticipating some of their upcoming animated projects like "Big Hero Six" about a little boy who builds a robot to be his friend... and fight giant monsters from outer space. After that theres "Moana", which reunites "Little Mermaid" directors Ron Musker and Rob Clements to tell a Polynesian fairy tale about "The Navigator Princess" that is using new technology to create a look meant to emulate "a living painting". Sounds good, and I bet it'll look even better.

      As for Mario, he didn't make it in Ralph based no one could come up with a good joke for him, and they didn't want the biggest character in gaming to just be a walk-on cameo. Though in-universe I want to believe that after the Super Mario Brothers movie with Bob Hoskins that Mario said "Hollywood A-No More!", only to see how he missed a golden opportunity. Sort of like how in real life Mattel didn't want to risk putting Barbie in the original Toy Story but then was begging Pixar to use her in Toy Story 2 after the first's runaway success.

      As for jiggle and bounce (tugs on collar) Yeah... its weird saying this to another woman, but as long as they're healthy, I don't have any particular preference towards any shape or shade of a woman's body. Gracie was... I think the politically correct term is "pleasantly plump". So yeah, I'm not picky. I don't know what more I can say without digging a hole for myself even deeper!

    3. I hope they do a sequel. I really loved Wreck it Ralph. And it is interesting why Mario wasn't in it. I remember reading an interview in Nintendo Power I think and they discussed some of the same reasons as to why Mario wasn't in there. I also like all the work that went into that movie! I didn't know all those details and that makes the movie so much cooler. I knew there was a lot of love put into this movie, I just didn't realize how much!

      I still have yet to see Frozen. But the new Disney movies that you have mentioned sound very interesting. I am very interested in Moana, that sounds amazing. Completely amazing.

      I also think that Mattel made the right choice for Barbie to appear in the Toy Story films. I especially loved the whole piece with Barbie and Ken in Toy Story 3. I thought it was so funny.

      And I just have to say, your response in regards to jiggle and bounce, is very nice. I like when a man can say he does not have a particular preference. Nothing drives me more crazy than when a man is like stuck on a woman looking a particular way. It can be very annoying. I think it is wonderful when a man just finds the beauty in any size woman. But that's just me. Don't worry, you weren't digging a hole for yourself! lol

    4. Well I hate to be self-deprecating but I'm a beggar who can't be a chooser. Though as cliche as it sounds it really can just be a beautiful personality sometimes. She was very kind and compassionate, plus I think I've mentioned before how just was just as geeky if not more so than me.

    5. Well I know that as I have gotten older I have valued personality in a man more than anything. I mean looks are important, but they aren't everything. How I am treated is always going to be more important. I still think that is so cool that she was just as, if not more, geeky than you. I think that is so cool! I also hope that something wonderful can happen for you in every facet of life! You are a very great person.

    6. Awww. You're making me blush Michael! Thank you.

      As it so happens things have been coming up roses for me lately. I picked up a seasonal job shoveling snow in front of the local food pantry. Its good money, it helps out the community as well as people in need, its a great lesson in patience, a chance to get out of the house/out of my own head, not to mention a regular exercise routine that I really needed! Whew! As far as I'm concerned, I welcome the Groundhog's six more weeks of winter!

      In addition, (I don't know if you saw the big hubbub I posted on Facebook last week or not) I received a job offer to work on character design for Nickelodeon Studios. HOW COOL IS THAT?! All I have to do is wait until a bunch of paperwork is processed and I am looking at working in the big leagues. (Oh Bureaucracy!)

      That same day, I also landed I dig doing illustrations for a metropolitan magazine. I can't remember the last time I had so much work coming my way!

      I owe you a big thanks for all the encouragement you have provided in sending so many helpful comments here and on my own blog. Its been fantastic getting to know you bit by bit over the internet.

  2. Great. Now I'm going to be spending the rest of the day hoping for some opportunity to come along to use the phrase "What the butt?"

    Thanks a lot MIss M.

    Poor Mario. He has to be feeling so down after the seemingly endless "Year of Luigi". He just needs some love. LOL

    Someone get Mila a clue though. Seriously.

    1. You are most certainly welcome Tony! lol

      Yeah, I don't know that Mario has been feeling the whole "Year of Luigi" lol He'll bounce back, I'm sure. lol

      And Mila does need a clue doesn't she? Too bad she will only be needing more in the coming interviews. lol Thank you for the comment!

  3. poor mario he was the first to experiance Mila who lacks the skills toy miss m has doing interviews and has a crush on Lugi. hoping Mila does not last long working for april. plus love seeing that charlene figure from dinosaurs. and poor ed the lego panda worker killed by biebers fans. at least now toy miss m and him can kill time in the after life.

    1. Yeah, Mila won't be lasting for much longer. lol I can't say more than that. I had to put Charlene in this! I love that figure. And Ed is an interesting character. I wanted toy Miss M to have a fellow dirky friend to kill time with in the After Life. lol

  4. OK-first off, the last episode of "Dinosaurs" may have actually been the saddest last episode in the history of TV. The ice age! Fuck! It was a good statement about environmental stuff I suppose, but it was disturbing. It was nice to see Charlene here.
    Next, I kinda liked the Wii U bashing here, I am a Nintendo boy all around (even though I recently downloaded the Sega Classics Altered Beast and Sonic the Hedgehog) but they really need to focus more on the 3ds than the Wii U. Nintendo owns handheld consoles, A link Between Worlds is probably the best Nintendo game out right now, but they are criminally ignoring the 3ds. 3ds is the best thing they have going for them , but they won't even put anything worth looking at on the 3ds virtual console. HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN WAITING FOR MARIO 3!!!!?? Fuck, the 3ds virtual console can handle any old school game-if it can handle Sega games-it can handle SNES games! put them on there! I at least they put Simon's Quest on there the other day-and one good thing is, thanx to the 3ds virtual console -I have finally beaten both Castlevania and Castlevania 2 Simon's Quest! yay for me!

    1. The last episode of Dinosaurs was pretty sad. I loved that show so much. It was so good, but the thing that is always rough on me is the realization that any show or movie about dinosaurs is always going to be depressing to me because we all know how it ends in the long run. Just so sad.

      And yes, I had to mention the Wii U. I am actually debating if I want to do a photo story with the Save the Wii U fundraiser. I feel like they had a good thing going with the Wii, why try to drastically change it. And you are right, Nintendo does own the console war. It isn't even a war at this point. Nintendo has the best consoles. I love my 3DS so much. It is a very good device. I wish they would beef up the virtual console. I think that is the best thing going. I want to see more games, especially older licensed games like The Little Mermaid, Friday the 13th, and Willow. Getting the chance to play those games again would be amazing. I just think they have so much to offer people but I don't know what is the hold up. Sounds like you have been playing some fun stuff too! I haven't really played much as of late, but I need to. I love the 3DS so much.

  5. I think the problem with the games you love, is that they are licensed games. That's gonna be tough for them to get the rights to release. Like Disney games like Lil' Mermaid? Yeah, sad as it is, you are pretty much doomed if you are holding out for that one. Friday the 13th-was a terrible game-but, just like you,I like it, for nostalgic reasons. Still , I doubt we'll get it.
    But seriously, why not Mario 3? -they have been teasing Mario 3 on the 3ds eshop for months!!And they keep insulting us! Like when they put up the game boy color version of Mario Tennis, or like this last week, when they put up THE ORIGINAL MARIO BRO'S ARCADE GAME!! That made me mad. that meant they were just toying with us.And who would download that for $4.99? ,OK I did download the NES version of Donkey Kong for that price, so,yeah maybe I would download it for that price. Hell, I bought Ice Climbers" for that price!!-but, if they aren't gonna give us Mario 3,at least give us Castlevania 3!! -also, Nintendo, you are the best, but, please, dear god already, give us Super Princess Peach 2!?-even if it's just for download or something!! Here is my idea for a new game: "Peach vs. Daisy" -oh and the sequel to that? "Peach and Daisy Vs. Pauline" from Donkey Kong"!!! And Mario and Luigi and Donkey Kong would be kidnapped. You know you want that game.

    1. Exactly. Those games are licensed and I don't ever see them getting their chance at release. Which really sucks because I enjoyed those games so much. I'm really surprised that they have yet to release SMB 3 on 3DS. It is like one of the greatest games ever made. Though I have to tell you before I forget, they have the Zelda game Four Swords for free on the 3DS eShop right now! You should go and download it if you haven't already. I was so sad that I missed out on it the first time, but to have it now is really cool!

      I would also be all about a Peach vs. Daisy game with the sequel including Pauline. I would go nuts. Nintendo needs to hop on that now.

    2. I saw the four swords for free-but I have a lot of block space taken up at the moment so I couldn't get it while it was free. Have been playing the new Zelda though and it's rad! Also playing Batman Blackgate for 3ds which has some great characters in it! Now lets hope they make an Arrow game just like that!