Miss M Presents:
You Better Work!
April: (on the phone with her husband Casey Jones) I'm going to be home soon. I just need to conduct a few more interviews to find Miss M's replacement. (pauses as her husband speaks) Casey, I know Miss M can't be replaced. That whole Beyoncé song was written about her... well... maybe not really, but she totally jammed out to it for months. Anyways, I have a News Empire to still run. I can't shut down my business just because M was blown to bits in the Sewer Lair. I honestly have no idea how I am going to hire someone. (pauses again) The Turtles are having a hard time. Not only have they been displaced from their home, but Mikey is just beside himself over the loss of his love. It is so sad. He won't even eat pizza. All he does now is sit around watching M's soaps cuddled up with her favorite blanket. It'd be pathetic if it weren't so darn sad. Anyways Casey, I have to go. I need to finish the day and then I'll be home. I'm thinking I'll pick up take-out or something. (pauses some more) Now listen up well Casey, you didn't marry me for my cooking prowess. I use my oven as extra closet space. You knew what you were getting into during our first marriage. Now I have got to go! (whispers quickly) I love you too.
April hangs up and turns as Guy Friday enters her inner office sanctum.
April: (sighs) No, not really. I just want to get home is all.
Guy Friday: Well, the rest of the applicants are here for the interviews.
April: I know that! Of course I know that. This whole thing sucks. My best friend is damn dead. Not even damn-near dead. She's straight up dead. How in the world am I going to work with someone so closely again?
Guy Friday: Hopefully you will find someone that you can moderately tolerate.
April waits patiently for the interview to start. She stands in shock when she sees who she will be interviewing.
Vanity Smurf: (strides in with a sing song voice) Hello!! I'm here!!!
April: Vanity, I don't have time for this. I need to interview people who are taking this position seriously.
Vanity Smurf: I am so offended April! I am taking this interview seriously. I have a lot of wonderful ideas to bring to the table! Why, if I get this job I am going to change the face all over again for toy journalism!
April: I'm gonna have to stop you right there. This is not going to work. At. All.
Vanity Smurf: Geez. Who threw up in your Pop Rocks?
April: Vanity, get out of my office.
Vanity Smurf: All right! I'm going! But you will be so sorry about this. I think I'll start my own journalistic empire. I'll start my own news channel where it'll be Vanity all day every day!
April: Go for it!
Vanity Smurf: I will!
Stinkor walks in with a cloud of grody.
Stinkor: Hello April-friend. Stinkor has come for new job.
April: No. Not before you bathe in a pool of tomatoe juice.
Stinkor: Stinkor never been in pool.
April: Listen, I know times must be tough, even for Skeletor's crew, but I can't hire you with that smell.
April: I don't know that she had you in mind when she wrote that song.
After patiently escorting Stinkor off the premises, April turns to see her next applicant.
April: Your W-2 must be insane.
She-Ra: Yeah. It is. Forget Hordak's mess, taxes on the Crystal Castle alone are killing me. Sorry, that must be rude in light of our loss.
April: Yeah. Miss M is gone and things just suck around here. Why are you here?
She-Ra: I wanted to ask for your help. I haven't been able to find Sea Hawk anywhere, and I know he was interviewed recently...
April: Did you check the nearby bars?
She-Ra: Yes. Numerous times. I can't find him.
April: That's odd.
She-Ra: It is. We had plans for dinner and I never heard from him.
April: Oh goodness, don't tell me you're getting involved in that tired old love triangle again. Bow must be beside himself.
She-Ra: I wouldn't know. He ran off to play background harp with the Misfits.
(melodramatic soap opera music goes off on cue)
She-Ra: What was that?
April: That damn Miss M. She rigged a music box to play melodramatic soap music whenever certain words or names were expressed.
Fully on annoyed mode now, April prepares to leave for the day. Guy Friday walks in with one last applicant.
Guy Friday: But April, this last applicant seems legit. She has a pedigree and a degree. That's two 'grees.'
April: All right, I'm listening.
Guy Friday: Her networking skills are top notch. She has a lot of great contacts that would maybe even get us in the door for all kinds of bigger and newer interviews. I think she is the real deal.
April: Fine. Bring her in. I better not regret this!
April waits and is soon rewarded with the final applicant.
April: You're last name, is that Eastern European?
Mila: I don't know. I, like, borrowed my mom's last name so I'd seem more interesting. And I wanted to model for a year in Capri.
April: I don't know if I should throw up or ask for Bravo to give you a show.
Mila: Yeah, like, I could totally hurl right now too. No offense, but your office smells like dooky and dirty hippy.
Mila: O.M.G. Dawg. Why wouldn't I? I mean, I'd get to meet, like, Superman. He's such a hottie buttered biscuit. I also want to, like, meet Jem so I can get her to autograph stuff.
April: Have you ever interviewed anyone before?
Mila: Umm, who hasn't? I once had a dinner party with Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, and one of America's Presidents. I can't say who, but shit got awkward. Like, real, awkward. But after I interviewed them, I made some fun cocktails with Tom Cruise and we rocked that dinner party. Like, totes.
April: Excuse me?
April: I don't have any totes. Why did you change the subject to tote bags? This interview will not have any swag. It's an interview.
Mila: O.M.G. Dawg! You are so old. Totes is, like, saying totally. Or something.
April: I really miss my dead friend.
Mila: What are you even talking about? You are so goth. You're, like, old and goth. So, can I like, get this job or what?
April: I don't know. I have one more question for you. What do you think of Megan Fox? Honestly. I want to know. She is picked to play me in a movie based off my life and some ninjas I know, and I need your honest opinion of her.
April: I think you have gotten your realities slightly confused, but for some strange reason I want to give you a chance.
Mila: No. Way. Like. O.M.G. (flips hair)
Mila: Umm yeah? I was like a Pantene model in Capri.
April: Ok. Whatever. Just show up to work this week and we'll have your first interview ready to go. You better be ready to work.
Mila: I'll be there.
In the After Life...
A voice calls out to her.
Voice: You get used to that feeling.
Expecting a warm embrace from an old friend, Miss M shouts in shock as Mog knocks her to the ground.
Mog: That was for getting me killed in 1994!
Miss M: Oh. You're still bitter about that?
Mog: You bet your sweet behind I am! You couldn't even use a Life spell to bring me back!
Miss M: It was such a hectic time. It was the final battle against Kefka, and he was so difficult!
Miss M: You didn't need to push me. That was rude and it hurt!
Miss M: Oh yeah. It didn't really hurt at all. Crap. (Mog turns to leave) Wait, where are you going?
Mog: To let the others here know of your existence in the After Life. There's a lot of folks around here who have a thing or two to say to you.
Miss M: Gulp. Well, it better not be Aerith! I wasn't responsible for her demise. You better remember that!
Standing up while dusting her knees, Miss M stands around wondering what to do next.
Miss M walks around some more.
Miss M: Huh?
The Troll-looking character quickly jumps up to a new location of the area as Miss M finds herself with company!
Miss Elizabeth: I see you've met the After Life's mascot: Angelala. So, what do you think of the After Life so far?
Miss M: Well, the music is nice. I just really miss Michelangelo. Is it wrong that I kinda want him here? Like, maybe he'll choke on an anchovy or fall in an epic two part battle against Shredder?
Miss Elizabeth: Miss M! You can't say something like that! Take it all back. Don't throw that aura out around here. (whispers) Someone could make it come true.
Miss M: (rolls eyes) Oh goodness, I am not being serious! I wouldn't want something to happen to my love. I just miss him. By the by, where is everyone around here? I thought there'd be like a parade of people up here.
Miss Elizabeth: You were expecting those lost before you to greet you with open arms?
Miss Elizabeth: The After Life doesn't quite work like that. This entire space is Infinite. People spread out. They explore. They start new lives, new adventures. Those loved ones who were gone before you, they don't sit around waiting for everyone to show up. They have an afterlife to get to.
Miss Elizabeth: I hate to break it to you sweetie, but you kinda have forever.
Miss M: I don't know that I'm cut out for this. (suddenly begins to panic) Oh my goodness! What if I have to pee? Where is the restroom?
Miss M: (grossed out) Oh grody. What if I need to do a number 2? Not that I ever did those anyway, but still! I mean, this whole After Life business is not going to work out for me!
Miss Elizabeth: Miss M, you need to calm down. You are dead. Going to the restroom is a more 'living' kinda thing. It will feel funny for awhile, you will still expect your body to do the things that you did when you were alive, but you are something else altogether now.
Miss M: This sounds so boring. What am I supposed to do now?
At this point, Angelala zips through the glass walls and pops up into a new space.
Miss Elizabeth: This isn't a Marvel comic M. You're as good as dead. There is no going back.
Miss M: (sighs) Fine. (looks around and rests her eyes on some strange scary doors. She points towards the striking image) What's over there?
Miss M: How terrifying. You don't have any idea what's in there?
Miss Elizabeth: Of course I do. If you must know, all the deceased evil of the universe is behind those doors.
Miss M: No way! We all share the same After Life? How does that work? I thought evil would be rotting in hell or something.
Miss M: Could that actually happen?
Miss Elizabeth: Who knows. Time doesn't really exist here. At least not conventionally. Don't worry about those doors though. Just enjoy your afterlife Miss M.
Miss M: Yeah. I guess I need to start figuring things.
Not even close to the end...