In the After Life...
Ed: And I'm not disagreeing with you, I just think that the intricacies of Legacy of the Wizard make it a far better game.
Miss M: Legacy of the Wizard was so tough! I enjoyed the game immensely, but I just never could get far in that game.
Ed: (marvels at Miss M) Wow. I can't believe we've been spending so much time talking about old Nintendo games.
Miss M: I know! And you haven't even heard my thoughts on the original The Little Mermaid game. It was everything!
Ed: (laughs) You are so funny.
Miss M: I guess. I'm just being honest though. The Little Mermaid NES game was everything.
Ed: So, what was your first nerdy crush?
Miss M: Huh?
Ed: Haven't you ever had a nerdy crush before?
Miss M: (blushes) Sure. Lots. (laughs nervously) I mean, yeah. Who hasn't?
Ed: My first nerd crush was Princess Leia. Especially when she wore that slave outfit in Return of the Jedi. Totally blew my mind.
Miss M: That was an iconic outfit.
Ed: Yeah, so what about you? Who was your first nerd crush? Come on, I won't laugh.
Miss M: (changing the subject) Ya know, it's a shame you died in the mall food court a couple years ago. You totally missed the big news!
Ed: What news?
Miss M: Like, Disney totally bought Lucasfilms at the end of 2012 and then announced they'd be releasing a new Star Wars film.
Ed: (jumps up) No way! For real? Damn. I did die too soon. I wonder what it will be like?
Miss M: I know. Me too. I guess we'll just have to wait for some other dorky person to die after the movie has been released to find out how good it is. They don't have movie theaters in the After Life, do they?
Ed: (shakes his head) No. Death doesn't really work like that.
Miss M: That stinks. I'm gonna miss my shows. I mean, how will I know who April chooses on Grey's Anatomy?
Ed: Umm. You keep changing the subject. Who was your first nerd crush?
Miss M: Goodness. Does it matter? These topics are always just so silly! I mean what does it matter about who my first nerd crush was? Crushes are so silly anyway. They lead to trouble, ya know? (pauses as she notices Ed not buying a word of it.) Ok fine! Fine! My first nerd crush was a tie. I had a huge crush on Superman. I loved that curl. He was so dreamy. Like, Christopher Reeves/Super Powers Kenner Superman. I even would pretend that my Superman action figure was my boyfriend. Though my other old school nerd crush probably also would have to go to Howard the Duck.
Ed: Howard the Duck? Really? I guess it isn't much of a shock that you ended up falling for a Ninja Turtle.
Miss M: Well, I mean, I don't know. I guess crushing on Howard the Duck or Michelangelo has always been safer than having to deal with, ya know, human guys. I've never really been good with being with a guy in a close crush kinda way. Of course, I'm dead now so it's not like any of that matters now.
Ed: (looks slightly crestfallen) Yeah, I guess it wouldn't matter much being dead and all. At least I've made a new friend though. You'd think it'd be easy making friends with the dead, but they can be a bit clique-ish.
Miss M: (eyes wide) Really?
Ed: Yeah. Things get even crazier when it is a blue moon.
Miss M: Yeah. I've heard about that. What exactly does that all mean?
Ed: Oh, you can't really describe your first blue moon. It is something to be experienced. Don't worry though, it'll probably be a very long time before you have to deal with that.
Miss M: Yeah.
Miss M wonders just what a blue moon is and also trails her thoughts to her old job on Earth. She can't help but think, how is Diary of a Dorkette holding up?
Mila: (giving orders to some camera crew) Listen, I just need those sets put together quickly! Our Woman of Wonderosity is going to be here soon! Your jobs are on the line!
Mila: (buzzes into her BlueEar) Hello? Oh Renaldo I'm so happy to hear from you! Yes, fit me in as soon as possible. I've got to do this lame interview for work but after I'm done I am heading to you. My hair needs to be processed. My goodness I can smell my roots trying to grow out. Also, will Gina be there? I could really go for that Ecto-Plasm mani/pedi. (pauses) Great! See you then!
Guy Friday: (walks up to Mila) What are you doing?
Mila: Work. What does it look like?
Guy Friday: It looks like you were taking a personal call. April doesn't like that.
Mila: I don't really care what April thinks. Duh. Get a clue gladiator boot boy.
Guy Friday: These are braces.
Mila: (rolls eyes) O.M.G.Dawg! I thought those were Tom Ford. So sad. Anyways, our guest is almost here.
Guy Friday: Do you have the wardrobe for our guest?
Mila: (fiddling with her phone) Yeah. Sure. Whatev. The wardrobe is all set.
Guy Friday: Did you actually see to the wardrobe, or are you just trying to shut me up?
Mila: (continues fiddling with phone) Yeah. Sure. Whatev.
Guy Friday: I don't think I need to remind you, this is a very important interview. April will not tolerate any screw-ups Mila.
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg. Does anyone have any faith in me? I'm Mila Rosnovsky and I'm gonna rock this shit.
Guy Friday: (sighs) Sure. I think our guest is here, I'll lead her to the wardrobe room. Make this one count Mila!
Mila: (fires off a few texts and tweets) Yeah. Sure. Whatev.
January 2014 Woman of Wonderosity!
Leia: (steps out onto the set) Umm, hi. Excuse me, are you the one interviewing me?
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg! What are you wearing? What is this? Like, swimsuit couture circa 1983? Who was responsible for your wardrobe?
Leia: I believe you were. I was led to believe that I would be wearing my iconic outfits for this interview and all I had was this: the requisite slave bikini outfit. I can't wear only this.
Mila: Well, I don't know what to tell you. This is all we could provide. It's not like you're a princess or something. No need to get all hoity-toity with me.
Leia: I am a princess.
Mila: (looks dubious) Oh really? And who is your mother, the Queen of England?
Leia: Actually, my mother was a queen. She died giving birth to my brother and I. I am Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan and this interview hasn't gotten awkward at all!
Mila: Is that, like, a stab at sarcasm?
Leia: No. That wasn't sarcasm at all. This. Has. Gotten. Awkward.
Mila: Kay. Well, let's get this interview started!
Leia: (walks to the set mumbling) I could be at a Disney resort right now...
Leia stands around, awaiting direction.
Mila: Hold on! The set needs some more props.
Mila: (adjusts set prop) There, this should work.
Leia: Huh? This set isn't even movie accurate.
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg. Stop being so demanding. Pick up your weapon and pose pretty for the pictures!
Leia: I'm certainly glad I am a professional.
Mila: Yeah. That's, like, great. So, how is that chain around your neck?
Leia: It's a little heavy.
Mila: Leave it on for just a little longer!
Leia: I thought I'd be getting interviewed by a gal named Miss M? Is that what the M stands for, your name?
Mila: Oh. No, I'm not a dorkette. Yeah, Miss M. She, like, died and stuff.
Leia: (slips and falls with the news) Miss M is dead?
Mila: Yeah. Stuff happens. It's, like, life ya know Princess Organ?
Leia: It's Princess Organa and please, call me Leia.
Mila: Yeah. Sure. Whatev. Just don't get up right now. Stay in that pose. The camera is, like, loving it.
A quick set change later...
Leia: Where did you get this set from?
Mila: I don't know. Ask the crew.
Leia: Is it possible that I could change into something else? I just need a white sheet, I can fix something up.
Mila: Umm no. Just pose. Kay?
Leia: (poses) How does this look?
Mila: I guess it looks fab. Just be careful. That blaster thingy is real.
Leia: What?! This is supposed to be a prop!
Mila: Yeah, well, we couldn't find a prop.
Leia: Shouldn't you be asking me questions about what I've been up to?
Mila: Good idea. What have you been up to?
Leia: A great deal actually. (pauses as the blaster fires off hitting a camera crew member.)
Leia: Oh no! I am so sorry! Was that crew member hurt?
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg! He is totally bleeding everywhere! Oh wow. I think he needs to go to the emergency room...
Another set change later...
Leia: I don't know. In light of everything, shouldn't we cancel this interview? I'm worried about the crew member I shot.
Mila: Oh stop worrying. Guy Friday sent the crew member off in an ambulance. He'll make it. For sure. Now, let's get to posing! And give us some dish. Help me help you sound interesting.
Leia: There isn't much I can say. I will be appearing in a new Star Wars film, but I've been sworn to secrecy. That darn mouse means business... Han Solo and I are still happily in love, though we're a bit older now. Old love is tough... I suppose I sometimes get tired of wearing this metal bikini, but it is rather important. It's just that the metal gets so cold... I heard Hasbro just released a new figure based off me, but I haven't seen it yet. I've heard fans are complaining because they painted my face terribly. Either way, it's nice to be immortalized in plastic.
Mila: Yeah. Totes. I love love love plastic. So let's mix this photo shoot up. Give the camera some sass!
Leia: Like this?
Mila: Totes! Pop that hip! Flip that hair! Bend in snap! Pop in lock! Jingle, jangle, bangle, fangle!
Leia: (tries to follow all the poses) Huh? I can't keep up!
Mila: All right, let's keep it real. Get on the floor and make love to the camera.
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg! Just get on the floor.
Leia: Like this?
Leia: I feel a bit ridiculous.
Mila: No! You look, like, a star. (snickers)
Leia: Well, it's just that I feel silly.
Mila: Yeah. Sure. Why don't you lift your leg up and smolder those eyes to the camera! (snickers)
Leia stands up, annoyed.
Leia: What is this? What kind of interview is this? I'm not making love to the camera. What kind of toy journalist are you?
Mila: Sha! Yeah right! I don't need to show my credentials to you! I'm rich betch!
Leia: Excuse me? Was that a belch?
Mila: No. I was calling you a betch. Betch.
Leia: I'm done. I'm sorry, I don't know what April is trying to run here, but I want nothing to do with it. I'm done.
Leia storms off set.
Mila: Well that was just tacky.
Mila: (calls out to crew members) Careful with the set pieces! We wouldn't want anyone getting butt hurt about damaged items!
Guy Friday: This was a disaster. Why would you use a real blaster and not a prop? That crew member nearly lost an arm.
Mila: Well how was I supposed to know? I'm not some Star Wars geek that knows what's real and a prop.
Guy Friday: But that's part of the job of working here. You have to be dorky.
Mila: Look gladiator boot boy, I am having a really rough day. I lost my appointment with Renaldo because this interview ran over. I smell my roots coming up and it is driving me insane. I don't have time for this.
Guy Friday: You are going to have to get used to it. You'll lose your job!
Mila: Like I care? I'm from Swans Crossing. I don't even need this job. Totes.
Guy Friday: Why take this job then? I don't understand.
Mila: That is none of your business!
Guy Friday: You are very strange and slightly suspicious.
Mila: (rolls her eyes) That's right gladiator boot betch boy. (pokes Guy Friday in the chest) And don't you forget it. (whispers to herself) Once I've proven myself, I'll find a way to take over April's journalistic empire and the company will be mine! I've always wanted my own empire to strike back at that bore Sydney Rutledge.
Guy Friday: Did you just say something?
Mila: Oh no. Not at all.
Guy Friday: Well, you've got one more interview to prove yourself. Don't mess it up.
Mila: Yeah. Sure. Whatev.
January 2014 Woman of Wonderosity!