The Bodacious Baddie is the final interview this month and is it ever an extravaganza in dorkiness! It's cold outside, so click the link below to warm up for the interview that sets the rest of the year up for some total mayhem...
Sea Hawk: You dastardly morbid freak, you do realize that I will be getting out of here soon, don't you?
Rat King: I can't believe my pets have yet to turn your brain into mush.
Sea Hawk: My brain has been pickled from all the finest beverages of Etheria. Some of Eternia. Your rats will do nothing to my brain. I would advise you to free me at once or suffer the consequences.
Rat King: No one will save you pirate. No one. I must go though. There is a section of the sewage system that exploded recently and I might be able to find all kinds of interesting things. Don't go anywhere... pirate. (hisses in laughter)
Sea Hawk: Great. She-Ra, where are you?
Meanwhile at April O'Neil's office...
April: (looks over at Mila) You look brighter than usual.
Mila: Oh, it's my Ecto-Plasm mani/pedi. It just gives me this radiant glow. What's the dish betch?
April: Ok, remember what we said? No more 'betch' and no more 'O.M.G.Dawg.' It's annoying.
Mila: (rolls her eyes) Yeah. Sure. Whatev.
April: Look Mila, your last two interviews have bombed. Both interviews have garnered the lowest ratings for the Diary ever. Our sponsors are threatening to drop us if we can't bring people in. Now I need you to stop being an annoying pain and do your damn job.
Mila: (scrunches nose) Totes.
April: That's what I like to hear. Now follow me, we've got a special interview for the January Bodacious Baddie. I must warn you now, this will not be for the faint of heart.
A quick walk to the set later...
Mila: (looks at the Bodacious Baddie) O.M.G.Dawg. (looks to April) Sorry.
April: (sighs) Mila, be professional.
Mila: I'm, like, sorry. But. I. Just. Can't.
January 2014 Bodacious Baddie
April: Mila, hold your tongue.
Mila: No way! I am not interviewing a Siamese twin with a bad skin rash!
April: What is the matter with you?! You can't be offensive!
Mila: Whatev. I don't even know which head to look at.
April: (sighs) That is Two Bad. They were once two different bounty hunters and they were fused together by a force of evil. Now stop being ignorant and go interview him. Or them. Or whatever. I don't know what is what anymore. I'm late for a lunch meeting. Do your job or else!
April quickly leaves.
Mila: So, like, hi?
Two Bad: Hello.
Mila: Ok, like, I need you both to not speak at the same time. It gets totes confusing.
Two: If it helps, I am Tuvar.
Bad: And I go by Badra.
Mila: Umm, ok. I'm so confused. Is your purple skin a rash?
Bad: No. It is my skin.
Mila: That sucks. I'm sorry.
Bad: It's fine. It's just my skin.
Mila: Anyways, I'm having, like, the worst day ever. I really hate my boss. She's like so old. I heard she hangs with turtles. The only thing she does that I think is sort of cool is that she pumps her face with toxins to stay young. And even that feels a little lame. Like, I'm just having a rough day.
Two: What else is rough about it?
Mila: Like, I just want my boss to move out of my way. I totes want to take over her empire so I can suck it to my arch nemesis. Have you ever heard of Sydney Rutledge?
Two Bad: No.
Mila: I so can't get used to you both talking at the same time. Anyway, so Sydney is this real betch. My mom is a countess so we're like really, really, really rich. Like I could buy my own country kinda rich. Do you know how rich that is?
Two: I don't understand.
Bad: Come on Tuvar, she is very rich. Like Nene Leakes.
Mila: Yeah. So like I moved to Swans Crossing when I was in high school and I was dating Garrett Booth this total Baldwin. And like Sydney supposedly loved him first, but whatev, she was just a grotsky betch. I mean Garrett was my one true love. Do you know what I mean?
Two: I don't understand. Who is Garrett?
Bad: Quiet Tuvar. She is telling us the epic story of her broken heart!
Two: But I don't care. She shouldn't let a man destroy her world.
Mila: Ugh, no one said my world was destroyed. I'm just trying to tell you what a betch Sydney is. She took Garrett from me but then he got all bloated in college and now runs his father's business. I just want to see Sydney destroyed because she was a bad friend.
Bad: Friendships can be so tough.
Two: Badra, you're doing it again. Don't go into vocal fry.
Mila: I mean you two must know about love. Do you know how hard it is to find someone to share a life with?
Two: We aren't lovers my dear.
Mila: Like, what? You're practically joined at the hip.
Bad: We were fused by magic.
Mila: Can't you two just go see a surgeon? Or something?
Two: (sighs) No. We are stuck like this forever.
Mila: (nearly cries) That is, like, so sad.
Bad: Sort of. If there was ever anyone I'd want to be joined with in life forever, it would be Tuvar. His evil strategic skills compliment mine so well.
Mila: See, that's what I'm looking for in a boyfriend.
Bad: You'll find love Mila. Don't worry.
Mila: Thanks. Listen though, like, if my plans to take over April's company and financially shatter Sydney Rutledge fall to pieces, can I like hire you both to, like, break a kneecap or elbow on Sydney?
Bad: Sure. We are bounty hunters.
Mila: Great. Sounds great. But, like, since you are both like in one body, can it be for the price of one bounty hunter?
Two: Umm, well, we usually charge a larger fee since two heads are better than one.
Mila: Yeah, but like, my heart was broken by Garrett. So...
Bad: Sure. We can agree on a lesser fee.
Bad: Come on Tuvar, we'll only be breaking a kneecap. Or an elbow at the very least.
Two: (sighs) Fine.
Mila: Thanks guys. You're the best. This was a really great interview! I totally misjudged you both and that is, like, not cool. We'll be in touch!
Mila rushes off to do other things.
Bad: She seems like a nice girl.
Two: I can't believe you. We can't always get involved in other people's dramas. Didn't Skeletor teach us anything?
Bad: I guess. Let's get out of here.
Two: Agreed. I thought this was going to be an interview.
January 2014 Bodacious Baddie!
Meanwhile, in the After Life...
Miss M: Does it ever get old?
Miss M: I'm talking about trying to grow a garden that will never grow?
Aerith: Oh Miss M, it isn't about trying to grow a garden, it is more about creating one out of the items around you. I do miss real flowers though.
Miss M: Can I just say, your death still haunts me to this day. I knew it was coming, but darn it if I didn't cry like a hot mess!
Aerith: I get that a lot. I am glad we have gotten to become friends though. You seem like such a nice young woman.
Miss M: Well thank you!
Aerith: You are welcome.
Miss M: (notices the landscape changing slightly around them) Hey, is it me or is the fake After Life sky really getting bluer?
Aerith: Oh no, it can't be...
Just then Angelala plays out a loud heavenly siren call that is slightly spooky from high atop a mountain of glass.
Angelala: (plays the song even louder)
Miss M: What is going on? That music sounds creepy.
Aerith: It's a warning song. A Blue Moon is coming.
Miss M: Oh, wait. I've heard of that. That's not a good thing, right?
Aerith: (looks haunted) I have to get home. Before he finds me.
Aerith walks away.
Miss M: Wait, Aerith, don't just leave me alone! What is going on?
As if on cue, Miss Elizabeth appears.
Miss Elizabeth: A Blue Moon is coming. I wasn't expecting this so soon, but you should go to your home for shelter.
Miss M: Go to my home? I don't have a home.
Miss Elizabeth: You never settled into building a home yet?
Miss M: No, not really. I've just been wandering around the After Life and having conversations about old Nintendo games. I didn't know I needed to build a house. I'm dead!
Miss Elizabeth: This is true, but in a matter of mere moments the doorway to the evil portion of the After Life is going to open. The spirits of the greatest evils ever will unleash themselves across the After Life.
Miss M: What's the big deal? It's not like something worse could happen to us. We're all dead. Dead is dead.
Miss Elizabeth: Believe me when I say this M, but there is something worse than death. And though most of the evil that will be running rampant won't be able to do much, there are no guarantees. Now hurry, find a place to hide. The Angels will try to keep the evil in check.
Miss M: Gulp. This is getting to be too much for me.
As Miss M tries to find a place to hide, the doors begin to open...
Evil pours out...
Ready to shake up the After Life...
Chaos unfolds in the After Life as the Angels try to deter evil from making a mess of things.
Angela: Gross. Why can't these things just stay on their side, I was daydreaming about double bacon burgers.
Tiffany: Stop complaining Angela. Or I'll start singing.
Hades: Hey, how you doin? It's good to see you. I'm ready to party.
Girl Ghost: Come on! Let's make some mischief...
Jabba the Hutt: Please, I need a dancer. Can you be my private dancer? A dancer for money?
Cosmic Angela: No. Are you a slug?
Jabba the Hutt: (shakes his head in confusion) I don't think so.
Cosmic Angela: What I wouldn't do for some salt...
Tiffany: Angela, I'm in trouble. I need some help! (sighs) Stop stabbing me Merle. It isn't doing anything.
Angela: I'm a bit busy Tiffany. (whispers to the Alien Queen) Sorry dear, but Ripley isn't here yet.
Miss M: This is madness.
Miss M rushes away from the fray.
Miss M: (looks back at the madness) I have to be far away from that! Why didn't I build a safe home?
Beetlejuice: Hey! Surprise. Pull my fingers.
Miss M: Oh. No thank you!
Beetlejuice: Come on babe, let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Miss M: I just want to find a home.
Beetlejuice: Hey, hey, that sounds like fun. I want you to find me a house too. We could live together!
Miss M: Nah, I think I need to go. Far away.
Beetlejuice: Aw come on babe, I'm a ghost with the most!
Miss M runs to the next problem...
Sephiroth: Excuse me, but have you seen mother?
Miss M: Huh?
Sephiroth: I'm looking for mother.
Miss M: Oh I really hope Aerith made it home all right.
Miss M continues to run even further, hoping for a safe haven.
Miss M: Oh no! You?!
Ursula: My babies! My poor sweet babies...
Miss M: I'm sorry, could you move your tentacles. I really need to be somewhere.
Ursula: My poor Flotsam and Jetsam. I haven't seen them. I need my babies. Would you be my daughter? We could sing songs together and hunt mermaids...
Miss M: I'm sorry. I'm a real brat. I'd make the worst daughter ever. But there is a guy with really long hair just over there that would love for you to be his mother.
Miss M keeps on searching for a safe place.
Miss M: (looks over at Elsa) Oh good grief.
Elsa: Where do you think you are going?
Miss M: (lies) I'm tired. Ya know. Just looking for a place to rest.
Elsa: Care for a drink?
Miss M: (shakes head) Oh no. Not at all. You party on though.
Miss M looks around hoping that the Blue Moon will end soon. When suddenly, someone catches her attention.
Ed: Hey, over here.
Miss M: Ed! Oh I'm happy to see you!
Ed: Come on, I know a safe place.
Miss M follows her dead nerdy friend.
Ed: Pardon the mess. I haven't had a real chance to build something grand, but this is my home.
Miss M: Wow, it looks really nice.
Ed: (takes off Panda head) Yeah. It does the trick. I can't believe it's a Blue Moon. I was looking for you once I heard the warning song.
Miss M: Really?
Ed: Well of course. You've never been in one of these before. Blue Moons can be messy.
Miss M: (looks around Ed's home) Wow, this is really pretty.
Ed: Yeah. I made it. One of the things I miss about being alive is looking at the stars at night.
Miss M: I miss looking at the stars too. Thanks for finding me.
Ed: No problem.
Miss M: (looks down at Ed) How long does a Blue Moon last?
Ed: The doors start closing once they open. Since they are so large though it takes awhile to shut. You'll know when it is safe to go back out. Did you not make it to your house in time?
Miss M: I don't have a house.
Ed: You haven't built a base of operations yet?
Miss M: No. I guess I've just been distracted. I didn't even know we needed one.
Ed: Oh yeah. No one messes with you in your own personal space. It's important around here.
Miss M: Oh. I guess I need to work on that.
Ed: Well... I can help you if you'd like. And in the mean time, you can stay with me. For as long as you'd need.
Miss M: (smiles warmly) That's very sweet of you Ed.
Ed: Hey, you're like the first girl that has ever stayed here with me. It's an honor.
Miss M: Thanks. We can talk more about Nintendo!
Ed: I'm down.
Miss M: Yeah. Me too.
Suddenly, loud shrieks and scary evil sounds can be heard outside.
Miss M: Oh goodness! What is going on out there?!
Ed: Don't pay any attention. Nothing can get us in here. It's safe here, I promise you.
Miss M: Can you hold my hand? I just feel really alone right now, and I don't want to be alone.
They sit together holding hands as a Blue Moon rages on across the After Life. The glass walls rattle and nearly shatter with so much evil on the outside trying to get in, but Miss M is not worried. Soon the Blue Moon will be over.
Meanwhile, back to the sewer...
Sea Hawk: I just need to find a way to get free. Where is my blasted pet mouse when I need him. (pauses as he hears someone approaching) Hey, over here! If you can hear me, head over here!
Two Bad approaches from out of the sewer drain.
Two: What is this?
Sea Hawk: Hey. Nice to meet ya, I need your help.
Bad: We heard there was an exploded part of the sewer around here. We were searching for fun artifacts.
Two: Careful Badra, he looks confined.
Sea Hawk: I am. Listen, you seem nice. I think the two heads are a great touch. Could you please set me free? I've been held captive here for awhile.
Two: Let me confer with my other half.
Two: Should we let him go Badra?
Bad: He seems like a nice person.
Two: I feel as if we should know who he is.
Bad: Maybe Skeletor would know.
Both whisper inaudibly.
Two: Fine. We will remove you from this prison.
Bad: For a price.
Sea Hawk: Fine, name it.
Two Bad: You must come with us.
Sea Hawk: Where to?
Two: You'll see.
With Sea Hawk finally free, Two Bad follows him through the sewer and onto a whole other adventure.
Back in the After Life...
With the Blue Moon over and evil returned to its place, something wicked secretly lurks behind.
Mysterious voice: Foolish villains. Always looking for a good time and never planning for the future. Is it any wonder they have to wait for a Blue Moon?
Jafar greets this mystery guest.
Jafar: Yes, well, no one has the brains like you or I. It is so brazen of us to meet up like this. It has been awhile.
The mystery guest reveals herself...
Maleficent: Of course. Just look at me. I'm so dusty after being locked up for so long.
Jafar: We were nearly caught the last time.
Maleficent: Which won't happen again. This time our plan is going to work. I need you to find me the dork girl Jafar. She owes me.
Jafar: Are you sure? The last time you got wrapped up with a young woman, a prince swooped in and killed you.
Maleficent: Ha! This dork girl is not a princess. There is no prince that will be saving her. Find her. Bring her to me so that our plans can finally become real.
Jafar: Yes Maleficent.
Jafar leaves quietly to begin his search for Miss M in the After Life.
Maleficent: (looks around the After Life) This silly place thinks it can bar me from my plans! Nothing will stand in my way, not when I have Miss M to help me! (laughs with every bit of evil in her body)