As I am typing this out loud I am imagining a cool electronic robot voice reading it out loud. But only for a little bit, because that would just get annoying after awhile. Click below for the topic!
I hate robots. I say that knowing full well that there are exceptions. Everyone loves C-3PO and R2-D2. Who couldn't love them? They were cute and pet like. However not everything robot related is cute and fun. Some of that stuff is downright scary. So I know that what I am about to share with you all may not be exactly robot related, but trust me, it is going somewhere. You see, the reason I have issues with robots can totally be traced back to a poor gal named Vera. Poor sweet Vera. I couldn't handle this scene from Superman 3:
Now I don't pretend to know everything in this world, especially when I was younger. I didn't know the difference between a robot, android, cyborg, Gobot, or Fem-Bot. I've always known about other stuff, like having good flirty hair or the pros and cons of glossy lips versus a good matte lip. Basically I know important stuff that will get me killed in the first five seconds of an evil robot apocalypse. Growing up I refused to watch Superman 3 without parental supervision. I couldn't take it. I was 4 and my imagination was just out of control.
One Saturday morning while I was lounging around in my over sized Esprit sleep shirt watching the last of my cartoons, I decided to watch something else. Low and behold that damn Superman 3 was on and I was fine as long as my mom was in the house with me. Well she decided that she needed to work in the flower beds and that she'd be just outside. "But mom! You have to be in here when that scary scene comes on!" She nodded like moms so often do and said, "Of course. I'll pull the blinds up and you can just come and get me when the ending starts." I nodded feeling as if all would be right with that particular Saturday morning.
Nothing would ever be all right. As I watched dreamy Superman save the day, I noticed that the end of the movie was slowly approaching. I had seen it enough to know when that dreaded Vera scene was coming up, but for some reason that couch was just too comfy to get up from. This was in the days when we didn't have the ability to pause television to stop the madness from ensuing. Oh no. Poor Vera's fate was about to be sealed in that killer computer and I was going to have no other choice but to watch it all alone. I screamed for my mom, for anyone, to hurry inside. No one heard me. I screamed again. I don't know who I was expecting to show up. Realizing that I was going to have to get my lazy ass off the couch, lest I be scared to death, I did the only reasonable thing.
I bolted to the door to get my mom. Screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing myself for being so short (thus unable to open the door) I did the next best desperate thing I could think of. I threw myself at the window banging against the glass with all my might. I continued to scream, matching Vera's shrill terror as various computer parts melded onto her skin. I saw her eyes change and I couldn't help but look transfixed at the screen while being utterly terrified. I just knew at any moment that damn Vera was going to step out of the television set and blast me with those rays of evil energy. I could feel those beams zapping out at me.
Finally after what felt like forever, my mom finally heard my piercing screams. Rushing inside under a false assumption that I was in real danger, my mom could only look at me with a sense of shock, "I thought you were dead! What is this? You aren't watching that damn movie ever again! Screaming like some wild banshee! You could have broken that window and gotten hurt!" I was shocked. How was it that I was somehow getting into trouble? I was the scared and injured party over here! That blasted Vera. From then on I had a grudge against anything robot related. Don't even get me started on that Vickie creepoid kid from Small Wonder. Robot or android, I don't care, it freaked me out too much. Even though I watched it every week. Some of us are gluttons for punishment.
Things got worse though. I can't seem to recall exactly which cartoon it was, it may have been Transformers or maybe Voltron. Either way there was another ill fated day where I was watching television and there was this scene in a cartoon where a robot was piloting a ship or something, and in order to save his friends he had to sacrifice his own life. His death scene was traumatic and beyond creepy. I wish I could recall which cartoon this was, but it certainly left a bad taste in my mouth for all things robot. Not even the lovable C-3PO or R2-D2 could rescue me from my fear and revulsion.
Change takes time, and eventually my heart opened up to accepting robots in my life. I thought Arcee was cool from Transformers. If I were to be a robot I would totally be a pink and white one. Of course I even ended up having dreamy eyes and a slight crush on Johnny Five. (I always had crushes on weird things growing up like robots, Howard the Duck, Tom Cruise from Top Gun...) But there would be one movie that really changed my perception of robots from fear to all out love with a little movie called Batteries Not Included.
Oh how I loved this movie! It was everything. Jessica Tandy was a revelation. Every time I watched it I would dissolve into a hot blubbering mess. I loved the Fix-It robots, though now that I think about it, I don't even know if they should be classified as robots. Crap. Don't tell me this whole topic has been in vain. They were robots right? Crap. One of them was preggers. I don't think robots can get pregnant. I honestly don't know now. They were kinda like aliens because they came from space. Well you can still be a robot that travels through space. I'm just going to go with the premise that Kilowatt, Carmen, Wheems, Jetsam and Flotsam were robots. They were extraterrestrial robots that could give birth. I mean stranger things have happened. After all, I had a crush on Tom Cruise from Top Gun. It was the 80's ok?
Anyways, the point of this long winded story is that I am no longer disturbed by robots. Or androids. Or cyborgs. Or Gobots. Or even Fem-Bots. Hell, if becoming a Fem-Bot is what will keep me living for hundreds of years so that I may see the inevitable She-Ra movie in the Summer of 3079 it will all be worth it.
Here's what other folks have to say about robots. (Trust me, they know their robots!)
*The Nerd Nook gives us a Top Ten List of Pop Culture Robots!
*Remember when I talked about the Turbo Cone? Well the Goodwill Geek gives a sneak peek at his beyond amazing collection of McDonald's Changeables that goes beyond soft serve. He also has other cool robot toys as well.
*Charles talks about a Rascally Robot from his youth.
*Victoria talks about her favorite Super Sentai.
*Jamie discusses a robot that Gets Smart.
*Shawn took me to a world where I learned of the ultimate robot love child.
*Paxton recalls a cool cartoon that is Robonic.
*Dex recounts his robot friends.
*The Trash Man talks about Red Baron. The robot, not the pizza.
*Chris knows his 'bots and has compiled a cool list.
*GI Jigsaw looks at some cool female robots.
Be sure to also check back at Cool and Collected for more updates on this week's topic!
I am off folks. I must be getting ready for a really big event this week, quite possibly the biggest event of the year. I'm talking about the Conference of Evil! Let's hope I survive!