Ridiculous and unnecessary merchandise!
I'm so glad I get to take part in this because I was really lazy last week! Read on dear reader, read on!
So here's the thing: I am a lover not a fighter. There are so many things I love. I rationalize with all my might to include all kinds of random artifacts into my life. "Oh, they have miniature X-Men toys? Perfect!" Or, "My goodness, of course! I totally want this 600th version of Barbie!" I am in love with just about anything that has a UPC code. But, there are some pieces of merchandise that I truly have no desire for.
Before I jump into it, let me first paint a picture for you. A long long time ago I was young and pretty. Those two points have nothing to do with this story, but it was the holidays and I was thrilled because I was getting invited to all of these holiday parties. (I've always been the kinda person that does not get invited to parties all that much.) At the time I had a lot of friends, most of whom were gay. And there is nothing better than being a single young woman with a troupe of gay men to hang out with. Nothing is better. I felt like I was part of this world where the drama had nothing to do with me and if someone bought me drinks and squeezed my boobs at a club I didn't feel obligated to sleep with them at the end of the night because that wasn't gonna happen anyway. I was a party girl, life was fun.
One of my friends was super excited for the holidays, he kept telling me, "M! M! I have the perfect gift for you! It is so you. You are going to just die." Well color me intrigued! Keep in mind I was not expecting anything from my friends. We were all young and working crazy jobs, barely getting by. (Shit, I'm old as dirt and still barely getting by.) Anyways, I thought it was so sweet that someone was thinking of me.
So the day arrived and my friend and I exchanged gifts. I truly was not expecting much, maybe something geeky and fun. What I got made me do a double take. It was a Chia Pet. As in, Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia. That Chia Pet. I didn't understand. I was lost and confused, "What made you think of me?" I've never been one to turn down a gift, but when someone says they have picked something out for me that is "so me" I have to wonder, "Does this outfit make me look like a Chia Pet?"
He could only laugh, "Don't you remember? We were laughing about how ugly and strange Chia Pets are! I thought you'd like one as part of our inside joke!" I was at a loss, but I am a southern belle so I smiled and said thank you. And while most people would have re-gifted the Chia Pet or at the very least returned it with the hopes that a store would accept it, I loved the Chia Pet like it was one of my own. After all, what would Perfuma do in this situation? She'd grin and grow the damn plant.
Of course, Perfuma never had to deal with the nasty Chia funk that you spread on the clay animal. She was lucky: plant life grew out from her finger tips. I was beyond grossed out by the Chia Pet funk spread. To make matters worse, the damn thing grew for a little while and then died. It just shriveled up and died. The aftermath of a Chia Pet death is even worse than the Chia Pet funk spread. I just couldn't keep it alive to save my life. I failed. Miserably.
Needless to say I was not a fan of Chia Pets. Especially the other types of Chia merchandise. Like does the world really need a Homer Simpson Chia Pet? Or a Scooby Doo Chia Pet? Or even a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet? For me that stuff is all completely ridiculous and unnecessary. But trust this much, if they somehow made a She-Ra Chia Pet or a Jem and the Holograms Chia Pet, I'd probably bite and try to get the damn thing to grow. I think Perfuma and Pizzazz would make excellent Chia Pets. There would be just the tiniest part of me that would be screaming, "This is so wrong! Stop this insanity!"
So I have no pictures to really show. The Chia Pet is long gone. The poor ceramic pet was broken during a house party gone wrong. But on a side sort-of-related note, one of my best friends and I always try to get each other completely ridiculous and unnecessary gifts each year for our birthdays. One year he got me a bag full of cat food (I don't own a cat), a bootleg She-Ra doll, and a purse he found in a tree. One of the best though was a few years ago, when he got me this:
A Rainbow Brite Snuggie! Underneath that smile is genuine concern mixed with fear. The Snuggie was super big and smelled of gasoline.
So tell me folks, what is more ridiculous, a Chia Pet or a Rainbow Brite Snuggie? Don't worry dear readers, I'm getting him back big time this year. Big time. So be sure to check out more from the Blog Collective!
I go dream shopping!