Total Darkness: August 2014 Heroic Hottie!

While the After Life and Earth struggle with the chaos of Total Darkness, what of the rest of the universe? Have the events of Total Darkness reached out across time and space? Maybe they have and maybe they haven't. One thing is for certain: the evil that is Skeletor skirted off to space with his Evil Warriors in an attempt to escape questioning at the hands of She-Ra and the Cat Ladies. Now, flying around on a stolen Enterprise, Skeletor faces a new chapter in his life. Read on for more!

Skeletor: Ah. I once heard that in space, no one can hear you scream. Those weaklings on this ship sure screamed when I locked them up! Ha, ha, ha! I'm beginning to like space. There is no miserable He-Man and his annoying sister She-Ra to mess with my plans. Why, I think I need a new name. I could be called: Skeletor, the Star-Lord of Space! What do you think Beast Man?

Beast Man: Of course mighty Skeletor. I think referring to you as Star-Lord Skeletor would be menacing.

Skeletor: Yeah! It would be menacing. The muscle bound He-Man and his half twit sister She-Ra would be positively terrified.

Evil-Lyn: Skeletor, we have visitors. Permission to call them aboard?

Skeletor: Who would dare to board my... what is this thing called again Beast Man?

Beast Man: I believe the Enterprise.

Skeletor: Ah yes. Who would dare board my Enterprise?! Well Evil-Lyn, let them in! Let us see who would dare mess with Skeletor: the Star-Lord of Space!

Back on Earth...

Miss M: (to Miss Elizabeth and Ed) I can't believe you guys are here. I can only hope the other Angels are able to stop Widow Maker.

Miss Elizabeth: As do I. I knew we would cross paths with the right people though. It was kismet.
Ed: It's something. I can't believe you are in a different body M.
Miss M: I know. It has been insane. But, it is really nice to see you.

Ed: You too. We need to catch up. Like, how did you end up friends with Batman? You've got to be the coolest chick ever.
Miss M: Yeah. (rolls her eyes) I'm just the coolest.
Ed: Oh, by the way, if you end up back in the After Life, I built you a house. It's a Crystal Castle replica.

Miss M: (stops in her steps) You built me a Crystal Castle replica? To actually live in? Oh my goodness, no one has ever done that for me...

Ed: Well you are a pretty cool chick M.
Miss Elizabeth: Hey you two, Batman is trying to tell us something.

Batman: I can't get the generators going. There's some sort of electric creature blocking the path.

Miss M: Huh? Let me see. (looks down at their common enemy)

Miss M: Oh, that's an electric Gremlin. Does anybody have a phone?

Ed: I just came back from the After Life, sooo, no.
Batman: Here, take this.

Miss M: Thanks.

Batman: What are you going to do with it?

Miss M: Haven't you seen a Gremlins movie before?
Batman: No.
Miss M: Oh Batman. Watch and learn.

Miss M rushes off.

Ed: She's amazing.

Batman: I know.

Miss M: Ok Gremlin. Make this easy on all of us.

Electric Gremlin: Moth Lady caca!

Miss M: Grody.

The electric Gremlin tries to strike Miss M, but her knowledge of pop culture is truly the only weapon that heroes of the Earth need! In no time the Gremlin is gone!

Miss M: All right guys, come on down! Let's get these generators up and running!

Meanwhile...

Megan Fox: I can't deal with this anymore. We really need to find a way out of here! Can't you two think of something?

Irma: Sorry Megan. I really didn't mean to fall down here. The lotion in your basket is really fancy stuff though.

Megan Fox: I am going insane. This is ridiculous.

Guy Friday: Yeah. We've been down here for awhile now. I don't think anyone is going to save us.

Irma: We could always save ourselves.
Megan Fox: How? None of us can climb out of here.

Irma: This is beyond factual, but there is a way out. These pits and dungeons always have a secret exit. This is common knowledge.

Megan Fox: How long were you planning on holding this information to yourself!?

Irma: I kinda thought we'd be found by now.

Megan Fox: Well don't hold out on us hippy girl. Get us out!
Irma: Ok. If memory serves, it should be this way.

Guy Friday: Way to go Irma.

Back in space...

Skeletor: Well look at this! A band of misfit weirdos stowing away on my ship! Who are you?

Star-Lord: I'm Star-Lord.

Skeletor: Impossible! I am Star-Lord.

Star-Lord: Dude. I'm Star-Lord. I'm known throughout the galaxy as the...

August 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Skeletor: No. I am Star-Lord.

Star-Lord: No offense, but you look like some villain that wrestles up against oily muscle dudes in loin clothes.

Beast Man: That sounds fitting...

Skeletor: Shut up Beast Man! (looks towards Star-Lord) If you are also named Star-Lord, than what are you doing on my ship?
Star-Lord: I'm pretty sure this is not your ship. We saw the crew you have locked up in the broom closet.
Skeletor: What do you want!?

Star-Lord: Ok, so here's the thing roided out Smurf guy. My friends and I are trying to get back to Earth. We heard there was this movie about us in theaters and we wanted to catch the premier.
Skeletor: You like having friends? That sounds disgusting.

Star-Lord: Dude, my friends are cooler than yours. That's Gamora.

Gamora: (looks at Beast Man) I'll kill you if you breathe on me.

Star-Lord: (smiles) Looks like we both have a thing for ladies with colorful personalities.

Evil-Lyn: She looks sick in the gills.

Skeletor: Go on strange man who took my name.

Star-Lord: No way. That's totally my name. Anyways, also joining me is Groot.

Groot: I am Groot.

Star-Lord: And over there we have...

Star-Lord: Whoa, that's not our raccoon.
Skeletor: Enough of these games! You are not flying this ship back to Earth. It is my ship! And I will fly it wherever I want!
Star-Lord: Come on bone faced dude, let's be adults about this. What can I do to get you to reason with me?

Gamora: I could cut him in half and see which side he'd fall on...

Evil-Lyn: Touch him and die sick looking girl.

Star-Lord: No offense lady in yellow, but where I come from you'd have a serious liver issue on your hands. Just sayin.
Skeletor: I'm not heading to Earth!

Star-Lord: What if we made a trade? You let us fly this ship back to Earth and I give you something that will help unlock the secrets to the universe?

Skeletor: (perks up) Secrets to the universe? I'm listening.

Star-Lord: (pulls out a cassette) See this right here?
Skeletor: Yes, what is it?
Star-Lord: It's a special key that contains the best kept secrets of the universe. And it can be yours if you let us fly this ship to Earth.

Skeletor: I've always wanted the secrets to the universe, and now they can finally be mine! Yes Star-Dork, I will take you up on this offer.
Star-Lord: Awesome. So, do you have another name besides mine?

Skeletor: I am Skeletor! The Evil Lord of Destruction! And with this key in my hand, I will finally be able to destroy He-Man and the Masters of the Universe!

Skeletor walks off with his Evil Warriors to plot.

Gamora: You'd actually hand him your tape? You love that tape.

Star-Lord: Yeah, but that was just a blank cassette. He probably doesn't even really know how to use one of those things anyway.

Gamora: That sounds probable. So, what do we do next?

Star-Lord: (flashes a devilish smirk) We just dance.

August 2014 Heroic Hottie

Meanwhile, back on Earth...

Batman: Curse this device! Nothing works!

Miss M: I was scared of that.

Miss Elizabeth: We should be getting out of here before Widow Maker finds us.

Ed: Wait, did you guys hear something?

Batman: I heard it too.

Miss M: Oh no, it can't be that Widow Maker lady!

Megatron soon descends upon the heroes.

Megatron: Look at the pathetic insects around me. Looking for energy?

Batman: This is none of your business Megatron.

Megatron: But I am in the business of making pathetic humans my slaves. Now surrender to me or die.

Miss Elizabeth: How are we escaping this?

Ed: Holy cow, it's Megatron! How is this happening? Someone pinch me.

Megatron turns his arm into a gun, ready to blast the heroes to smithereens.

Ed: Oh crap, I'm gonna die again.

Miss Elizabeth: Miss M, do something!

Miss M: (thinks quickly) I hope this will work like it did in the movies!

Miss M unleashes the electric Gremlin from the cell phone. The heroes turn away from the bright light as Megatron is electrocuted. Sizzled and charred, both villains are down for the count and surprisingly the generators turn on!

Miss M: Holy cow! Check this out! Two birds with one stone!
Batman: The city is going to get power again.
Miss Elizabeth: This is lovely, but M, we need to find a place of refuge.

Ed: And some food. I forgot what it was like to be hungry again.

Miss M: (turns to Batman) Maybe we could take them to your cave...

Batman: No. We can't do that. Identity issues and everything.
Miss M: Oh, right. Well, let's see. (thinks quickly) We can go to my old house. The Ninja Turtles live there now and we'll totally be protected.

Miss Elizabeth: Sounds great, just lead the way!

Miss M: All right, let's go!

In the After Life...

Maleficent: When I look at this massive curse I have placed on the worlds around me, I can't help but smile at the darkness unfolding. So much evil is in the world and it is flourishing. All due to me!

Dark Fluttershy: Mistress Maleficent, the light is growing.
Maleficent: What?

Dark Fluttershy: Can't you feel it?

Maleficent: (narrows her eyes) No, but I can see it! Who is responsible for bringing power back to the city! They think they have won, but this is far from over!

Maleficent: Dark ponies! Bring me my chariot. We return to Earth to finish this and destroy those who stand in my way. Total darkness will last for an eternity!

To be concluded next time!