January 2013 Heroic Hottie

Oh how does it make sense that the January 2013 Heroic Hottie is finally arriving at the very end of... January. I know it seems just completely ass backwards, but in all fairness this all new Heroic Hottie has been taking me awhile to get together. I had an epic time sitting down with not one, but numerous, hot pieces of man meat. Interviewing hunks month after month is a tough job and this month was no different. When I was attending the April O'Neil University of Sound and Responsible Journalism I learned the importance of featuring prominent hot beefcake front and center no matter how dangerous the situation, though I never quite picked up the lesson on interviewing folks in post apocalyptic zombie settings. (Hence the major monthly delay.)

Either way, sit back and get ready to double the drool as I got the thrill of my life following along with an awesome group of scary little ugly guys that are totally hot and willing to get a deadly job done. The deadly job being to kick major zombie butt!

January 2013 Heroic Hottie

Diary of a Dorkette wanted to find out from Sawblade Sampson just how bad the zombie apocalypse

was, and even how it started...

Sawblade Sampson: The problem, you must understand, is that the outbreak wasn't from some T-Virus or an angry god. We all just woke up and realized there were zombies living among us. At first they were just a minor annoyance, but once those little bastards started eating folks...
Diary of a Dorkette: Is that how you lost your hand? (Sawblade Sampson is missing his right hand, a saw blade in its place. Hence the name.)
Sawblade: Nah. I lost my hand in the war. Though I added the saw blade after a zombie took off with my prosthetic. Bastards. All of 'em.
Diary: So what did you start doing when all the zombies got hungry?
Sawblade: I did the only thing I could do. I went to our Nation's Super Heroes. I just knew they would do something to stop this madness.

Diary: You actually went to the Hall of Justice?

Sawblade: Well wouldn't you if you found yourself in a zombie apocalypse?

Diary: Maybe. I've always been more partial to the X-Men over other heroes...

Sawblade: Miss M, we don't have time for super hero nerd debates. This is gonna be a long story.

Diary: Ok. Carry on.

Sawblade: So when I walked into the Hall of Justice I was expecting to find a gaggle of super heroes working hard at stomping out the zombie menace. Everything was just eerily quiet and dated. Seriously, everything looked like it was from 1984 or something.

Diary: Sounds really creepy.

Sawblade: The interior was nothing. After some snooping around, I found something truly terrifying.

Sawblade: Citizens of the world would not be getting rescued by super heroes. They had all been turned into zombies too! I had to take down Zero Hero!

Sawblade: Followed by the Brain Eatin' Barbarian!

Sawblade: Last, but not least, I had to take down the Macho Mangler.

Diary: My goodness! That must have been tough.

Sawblade: It was. To see such wonderful super heroes turned into savage zombies... well I knew then and there that I would have to become my own hero. Of course, I knew I couldn't do it all on my own, so I devised a team of other bland boring citizens wanting to be heroic, and that is how the Zombie Hunters were born! Pretty crazy huh?

Diary: Well, I've heard of worse. So is that why you insisted on the whole group getting in on this month's Heroic Hottie?

Sawblade: Yes ma'am. We may be little, but together we are mighty.

Diary: And don't forget the good looks. So, do you want to walk me through who makes up the team?

Sawblade: Sure thing Miss M.

Gator Jones

Sawblade: Gator Jones and I go way back. We had a mutual friend who was an archaeologist or something. He was always digging himself into trouble.

Gator Jones: He certainly was mate. One time Sawblade and I traveled to Egypt, searching for our friend, Trekker.

Diary: Did you find him?

Gator: Did we find him? We found more than just him. I had to contend with a pissed off Cleopatra!

Sawblade: She was commin' at ya.

Gator: Damn right she was.

Diary: Did you ever find your friend? 

Gator: We were too late. Our Trekker was more like a Grim Trekker.

Sawblade: I didn't think we'd get out of that one alive.

Diary: Well it looks like you put those rippling muscles to good work.

Gator: (Flexing his arm) Feel that Miss M.

Diary: (Feels his bicep) Oh my.

Buckskin Bill

Sawblade: All right Miss M, we have to be very careful with this next visit. Buckskin Bill is cut from a different cloth.

Diary: Oh, I'm sure he will be just fine.

Buckskin Bill: These damn zombies! Get outta my barn!

Diary: (looking at Sawblade) Does he have a live animal on his head?

Sawblade: Yep, that's his sidekick Rascal.

Diary: Oh my.

Buckskin: Y'all just wouldn't believe me! I told the colony that this would happen. It's why I traveled to the future to warn y'all of the comin zombie 'pocalypse.

Diary: Wait, you came from the past?

Buckskin: Sure did missy. I helped found this country and I won't see it eaten away by blasted zombies.

Diary: (whispering to Sawblade) Did he really come from the past?

Sawblade: Nah. Poor Bill. Ever since the zombie apocalypse, Buckskin hasn't been able to refill his prescription. His meds were keeping him grounded in the present, now his imagination truly runs wild on him.

Sawblade: But, he is a helluva shot.

Diary: Well, there's always that.

Buckskin: Hey Sawblade, what is the dame doin here?

Diary: Hi, I don't think we were properly introduced what with the zombie attack and all. I'm Miss M. I'm doing a piece on the heroic hotties that make up the Zombie Hunters for my blog.

Buckskin: What's a blog?

Diary: Oh you know, it is a place you can visit on the Internet.

Buckskin: Internet huh? Never heard of it. Does it have a zombie problem too?

Captain Payback

Captain Payback: I've fought in a lot of wars. That's how I met Sampson. But nothing could have prepared me for the zombie war. I tell ya M, the 'burbs have become the most dangerous battlefield ever. Would you look at this, who do these zombies think they are? The Brady Bunch?

Diary: You look so familiar.

Captain: I get that a lot. The small remaining survivors of this zombie mess tell me I look like an action movie star from the 80's.

Diary: Yeah, I can see it.

Diary: So do the Zombie Hunters have a hideout?

Sawblade: We scatter around to find resources and make sure areas are clear of any infestations. So far we haven't found an exact hideout yet.

Captain: Once this house is cleared, we should all be able to stay here for a little while.

Diary: With so many dreamy Zombie Hunter hunks, I have to ask, are there any females that kick zombie butt?

Sawblade: (throwing a look to Captain Payback) Not really. There are some girls that help us, but they are both sick right now.

Captain: Yeah, guess that means the spotlight can be on us, right?

Diary: Oh. Of course. I was just curious. I really appreciate you both having me tag along to see what the January Heroic Hottie has to go through. I am just trying to learn as much as I can.

Captain: Shit! We're being overrun! Time to fall back Sampson! Come on M, the Brady Bunch is getting too hungry.

Sawblade: I think that damn dog has my prosthetic!

Diary: Ok, we are on the run from a family of hungry zombies. Where are we going to run off too next? Surely there must be a safe place somewhere?

Sawblade: There is no safe place when you are living in the zombie apocalypse. But I know where there may be some other Zombie Hunters. Come on, we're going to Main Street.

Sawblade: Deposit this, zombie scum!

Johnny Two-Guns

Johnny Two-Guns: I used to shop at this market all the time Miss M. They had the best produce. It's where I met my ex girlfriend too. She was a level 8 vegan and she even got me to give up the stuff. I had an awful addiction to meat. She helped change my life. Everything went to hell in a hand basket though that fateful Monday morning when she tried eating my brains... I just knew something wasn't right with her.

Diary: Because she wanted to eat your meat huh?

Johnny: Hell no. Because she was all green and walkin' funny like a zombie.

Johnny: I've tried wrapping my head around it. I just don't understand how this zombie apocalypse started. I wanted to blame unhealthy eating habits and fried food at first. But extra crispy chicken from the local chicken joint couldn't have caused the world to descend into madness, could it?

Diary: I have no idea. Where I come from, the zombie apocalypse hasn't happened yet.

Johnny: Wait, you mean to tell me you've never come across a zombie till now?

Diary: Nope, this interview has been my introduction. Well, except that one time my ex boyfriend ate my Calgon bath salts. The police had to take him away...

Blazin' Basel

Blazin' Basel: Yeah Sawblade told me you'd be interviewing me soon. Nice to meet ya.

Diary: Nice to meet you too. Since you are a firefighter, I am sure you have had some experience posing for hunky hot things of the month and what not, right?

Blazin: Here's the thing Miss M. I used to actually be a stripper. My dream was to become a firefighter though. What can I say, I'm used to things getting hot. You should have seen my moves back in the day. (Blazin' Basel slides up real close to Miss M in a grinding kinda way.)

Diary: Oh. Oh my. As nice as this is, I must maintain my journalistic integrity. All in the name of April O'Neil.

Blazin: Right. Sorry for overstepping.

Diary: (flushed) Oh, I think I'll be all right. So if you aren't really a firefighter, how come you have access to the department's stuff?

Blazin: I was close to becoming a firefighter. I had finally made it into the academy and I was about to sit for my tests, but then the zombie nightmare happened.

Diary: Oh, I see.

Blazin: So I took over the job, and then some, for all my fallen brothers and sisters. I make sure that those of us still left on this crappy world can still have the best life possible.

Diary: I think that is nice.

Blazin: And if you ever need any extra entertainment...

Diary: Right. I know who to call.

Play-It-Safe Sammy

Sawblade: All right Miss M, Here is Play-It-Safe Sammy. He is a man of little words.

Sammy: ....

Sawblade: But he is an integral member of the group. His Hazmat Suit is super strong and he goes to fight in areas that are really toxic and dangerous.

Diary: Like nuclear plants or things like that?

Sawblade: (shrugging) Sure. I guess so.

Diary: So Sammy, what was your life like before the zombie apocalypse?

Sammy: ....

Diary: Do you have anything to say at all?

Sammy: ....

Diary: Ok. Do you at least read Diary of a Dorkette?

Sammy: (Nods his head emphatically)

Diary: Well that's a start!

Diary: Oh no, I think we are outnumbered.

Sammy: (shrugging and taking aim at the zombies)

Diary: Wow you really know how to dispatch some zombies. Say, when this interview is over, would you like to maybe get together at a soda fountain shop? Like a soda fountain shop run by actual living folks? I've always wanted to sip straws from the same glass.

Sammy: (high-fives Miss M)

Diary: I think I'm beginning to like this whole zombie apocalypse thing.

Riled-Up Riley

Sawblade: Now be careful with this one Miss M. He can be a bit touchy.

Diary: Sure thing.

Riled-Up Riley: I thought this whole zombie ordeal would finally be a dream come true. No more work. No more having to deal with people's insane and utter bullshit. I was ready to relax. You know what I mean?

Diary: I think so. What was your job before all this happened?

Riley: Ha! My job before this? I worked at the Post Office on Main Street. And let me tell you something, that job was a nightmare. In a way, you could say I have actually been dealing with zombies my whole life. The number of people that don't know how to write out an address on a package is just... I mean come on! It pisses me off!

Diary: (Stepping back slightly) Ok. Take it easy.

Riley: I've had one rough job, and it has only gotten rougher.

Diary: Well, do you have any easy skills to use when taking down zombies?

Riley: The zombies are not my problem...

Diary: What is then?

Riley: This is my damn problem! The world is all but over thanks to zombies, and yet there are still people that expect the Postal Service to be up and running! This is an apocalypse people! There is no mail going out! Who does that!? It just pisses me off! (Riley storms off.)

Diary: Wait! I wanted to know how you stay so ripped.

Sawblade: Don't worry about him Miss M. Me and the other guys like messin' with him, so we keep dropping mail off at the Post Office. He'll figure it out at some point.

Diary: Doesn't that seem mean spirited?

Sawblade: Nah. We live in a world crawling with zombies. You gotta laugh at some point. But enough of the fun and games, we gotta hurry. The gang is in trouble. Massive zombie attack at the Barber and Pet Shops.

Sawblade: Now you stay off to the side Miss M. Take notes and pictures, or whatever it is you need to do. The Zombie Hunters are gonna take care of everything.

Diary: (recording to herself) And that is just what the Zombie Hunters did. They attacked with all their might. I've never seen such a thing. I've grown up watching numerous zombie movies and shows. None of those types of media could prepare me for the mess unfolding all around me. Just when I thought it was all over, Sawblade Sampson called out for my next interview.

Sawblade: Hurry Miss M! Head back to the Post Office, for the next hottie... I can't believe I just said that...

Buck Wilde

Buck Wilde: The zombie problem is never ending. I used to be the sheriff in these parts and I thought I had it rough with cracked out meth heads and angry soccer moms, but these zombies really give us a run for our money. Know what I mean jelly bean?

Diary: Yeah, I keep hearing that. So where do you fit into this story? What do you think of the Zombie Hunters?

Buck: I think we make an excellent team. Look honey child, we're trying to save our little piece of the world. The rest of the planet is screwed, but we gotta find a way to survive.

Diary: But what happens next? What is the endgame? Fighting the rest of your lives to survive, it just sounds exhausting.

Buck: Darlin, everybody is gonna fight for something till they die. My brother was gay and had a real hard life dealin with redneck assholes at every turn. If he could have survived through this zombie mess, he would have gladly fought off these brain eatin' bastards for the rest of his life instead of having to deal with intolerance and bigotry.

Diary: Wow Buck Wilde, that was sort of profound.

Buck: Listen pretty slice, I'm world weary and pretty smart. Don't let the accent fool ya.

Diary: Well ok. Sooo let's not let this group of zombies eat us, yes?

Buck: No one is gettin eatin tonight popcorn pretty! (Taking aim at the zombies) I'm about to get buckwilde in here!

Diary: Oh wow. He really went there.

Buck: Get down missy, someone is shootin from the other side! (Miss M and Buck Wilde both duck as a shadowy figure stands behind a zombie.)

Diary: Who did that?

Buck: Oh shit. Sawblade! Come quick, we gotta problem.

Sawblade: What is it?

Buck: Look.

Sawblade: Oh shit.

Sawblade and Buck: Double-Barrel Carol and Johnson!

Johnson: Yeah boys. You've got some explaining to do.

Double-Barrel Carol: Yeah, when were you going to let us in on being interviewed by the Miss M of Diary of a Dorkette?

Johnson: Yeah. I totally live for her shit.

Diary: It is nice to meet you both. I am sorry you weren't made aware of this interview. I was told you were sick.

Carol: Ha! Sick of being left out of stuff is more like it!

Johnson: Yeah, the Zombie Hunters can be a bit of a boy's club. It has taken them awhile to get used to the idea that women can kick as much ass as them.

Sawblade: Now no one said anything about ya'll being less than.

Carol: You didn't have to jerkwad. You sent us off on some random ass mission for no reason.

Sawblade: Look, I was approached to be a part of the Heroic Hottie feature on Diary of a Dorkette. Do you know how much of an honor that is? And I guess I didn't want to share that with anyone.

Buck: Well then why have you had Miss M talking to all of us dudes?

Johnson: Yeah, I'm interested in that answer too.

Sawblade: Aww come on. Really? It is called Heroic Hottie! Miss M wants to feature the best looking men out there. I wanted to have my shot at being objectified. I'm tired of women always getting the chance to be objectified.

Carol: Please, you have no idea.

Sawblade: Look, I brought the other guys in on it because I knew they'd rat me out if they weren't included. I'm sorry. I should have made sure the whole team was featured.

Diary: Well this is all really getting a bit convoluted. There is room for everyone on Diary of a Dorkette. So come on Zombie Hunters, let's stick together, because I think we've drawn some more unwanted attention our way...

Carol: Crapola! We're in trouble now!

Buck: Zombie Hunters! Attack!

Diary: (Reporting the events) It was a bloodbath. I've never seen such a thing. The once quaint and peaceful Main Street that used to be busy with the hustle and bustle of life was now a different scene altogether. A band of Heroic Hotties calling themselves the Zombie Hunters were fighting to ensure the survival of the human race.

Diary: Zombies of all kinds were busy trying to make a meal out of anything they could get their rotted teeth on. From my vantage point I was seriously expecting a losing battle. We were all so outnumbered. But then I remembered who I was talking about.

Diary: All the Super Heroes we knew may have been undead, but there was new hope. These women and men parading around with their unique (and sometimes odd) personalities were going to be heroes for a new generation. They were going to fight and nothing was going to stop them...

Diary: Not even a mutated monkey zombie.

Diary: My time with the Zombie Heroes was quite an adventure. I have long been used to interviewing and photographing hunky men in loin clothes or tight spandex suits, but talking with the Zombie Hunters was a gritty and raw experience. They reminded me that life is a fight and if you aren't careful, some little bastard will try to take a bite out of you. So you better nip that shit at the brain real quick, because nobody wants to be the meal at a buffet for zombies. For real.

January 2013 Heroic Hottie

The Zombie Hunters

Whew! An all new Heroic Hottie is over and done! Enjoy the pictures and I hope you enjoyed getting to know this month's Heroic Hottie. There will be a whole new Heroic Hottie crowned next month, so be sure to stick around!

For the immediate future though, be sure to get your inner Princess of Power on as an all new She-Ra Saturday is coming up! Take care everyone!