February 2013 Bodacious Baddie!

Oh what a whirlwind month this has been! I've just been a jet setting busy bee with my kick ass April O'Neil interviewing powers seeing me travel to the dreary Church Headquarters to talk with Popeful Pope Pinion, and I traveled to sunny Los Angeles to catch up with Jem. But now my journey is seeing me travel to a truly terrifying locale: Snake Mountain. That's right folks, I opened a space portal via my archival room and travelled across time and space to arrive on Eternia. He-Man and She-Ra both warned me against doing this, but I've never really been one for paying attention...

February 2013 Bodacious Baddie

Diary of a Dorkette: (looking around the dank confines of Snake Mountain) So Skeletor, I must say, I love what you have done with the place!
Skeletor: Yes well, ever since He-Man got the chance to get special upgrades and renovations to Grayskull, I thought I'd make Snake Mountain all new and menacingly fresh.

Diary: Hey, wait a minute, it still looks the same...
Skeletor: Quiet you! I don't need some female dork telling me about Snake Mountain!
Diary: Ok. I was just being observant... So you have been one of the most iconic villains of the past 30 years, what do you attribute to that dubious distinction?
Skeletor: Simple: my face. Or lack thereof.
Diary: Your face?

Skeletor: Must I explain everything to you? Nothing says bad ass villain like a skull for a face. Go ahead, ask anybody around and they'll tell you the same thing. A skull-face equals bad ass villain.

Diary: And here I thought you'd say it was your assortment of Evil Warriors.
Skeletor: Bah! I'd probably get the job done much faster if they weren't around.
Diary: Now that can't be true. You keep some pretty terrifying company.

Skeletor: I sure do, don't I? But make no mistake, I'm the true threat.
Diary: Does it ever get boring battling He-Man all the time and never quite making it out on top?
Skeletor: Oh that miserable He-Man is a fool. I am the one who controls my fate! He-Man only thinks he walks away the victor. I walk away on purpose, biding my time for a better plan...
Diary: Well I guess that makes sense.
Skeletor: Of course it does! Why wouldn't it? Don't you know anything about being a so-called bodacious baddie? You'd make a terrible Evil Warrior Miss M. Just terrible.

Diary: I will have you know, I could totally rock the shit out of being an Evil Warrior.
Skeletor: Oh really? Tell me something evil that you have ever done in your pathetic life!
Diary: Fine! Sure thing. Um. Well I once stole a Love-a-Lot Care Bear from this snotty girl in my pre-school class.
Skeletor: (horrified) A Care Bear? Yuck!
Diary: Yeah, I totally took it from her without her knowing! She was crying and everything once it was time for her to go home.
Skeletor: What did you do with the Care Bear? Rip its head off? Feed it to a pet monster?
Diary: Well, um, no... not really. I actually felt really bad and gave it back to her before she left.
Skeletor: You gave it back?! Hardly an act of a true villain. You are sad. And you hurt my eye sockets.

Diary: Ya know, I didn't come all this way to be treated like crap. You could be slightly nice to me. I am featuring you as the February 2013 Bodacious Baddie! That carries a lot of prestige!
Skeletor: Will it get me into Castle Grayskull?
Diary: I don't think so...
Skeletor: Oh you annoying wretched muscle-less version of She-Ra. This is the last time I have Trap Jaw book my appointments.
Diary: Ok let's shift gears. You mentioned pet monster earlier. I seem to recall hearing about a certain Manchine puppy named Relay that tugged on your heartstrings. Did you ever end up getting a pet of your own?
Skeletor: I do not know of any Manchine puppy. You must be making something up. (Skeletor fidgets uncomfortably.) I do not own any pets. I do not like pets.
Diary: What about Panthor? Isn't he sort of like a pet?
Skeletor: Ha! Panthor! He is a beast I use to travel across Eternia. Together we stomp out those infernal so-called Masters of the Universe. He is hardly a pet.
Diary: What do you feed Panthor?
Skeletor: Spare body parts here and there. He loves snake.
Diary: Oh. That sounds slightly grody.

Skeletor: Do you think I should have a pet?
Diary: I don't know. I'm just trying to make small talk.
Skeletor: Fine! Alright. I'll tell you the truth. I do own a pet. Ever since that bumbling stone face Hordak found his pet Imp, I have tried to find a suitable creature to help me out in times of need.

Diary: Wow, that is some dragon.
Skeletor: Yes, he is. I've trained him well. Not only does he play fetch superbly, he also makes a great weapon too. I can't wait to show off his abilities on my next round with He-Man. I have a feeling Grayskull will finally be mine!

Diary: (whispering) Don't hold your breath...
Skeletor: I heard that! You know something Miss M, I have a bone to pick with you.
Diary: I feel like that is the start of a bad joke.
Skeletor: Quiet! There's a reason why I wanted you here at Snake Mountain. You thought this was a mere interview for your boring blog, but no! I brought you here because I am angry!
Diary: Angry? At me? What for?
Skeletor: What for? I'll tell you what for! Does Adora's Search for Honor mean anything to you?
Diary: My She-Ra fan fiction? I didn't realize Snake Mountain got Internet service. What's wrong with my fan fiction story?
Skeletor: It sucks! You have done a bang up job portraying me! I am livid. I read those miserable chapters weekend after weekend, and I want to just scream with so much evil at you!
Diary: But why? What is wrong with it?
Skeletor: Where should I begin? You have me running around constantly losing. You have even managed to soften me up by putting me in some convoluted bizarre love triangle with Evil-Lyn and Shadow Weaver! You've managed to put me in a soapy melodrama titled with not He-Man's name nor the Masters of the Universe, but with Adora's name! Adora!? You have me in some second rate piece of fan fiction entitled Adora's Search for Honor. Where's the love? Huh Miss M? Where's the love? How 'bout calling it Skeletor's Appetite for Destruction! I like the sound of that.

Diary: Um, that would be a no. Besides, I happen to think you are portrayed rather well in this story.
Skeletor: I wish I'd never heard of it. If it hadn't been for my Evil Warriors being so addicted... my goodness they all wait on the edge of their seats for each new chapter! I've never seen such a thing! No wonder I can't get into Grayskull. This is all your fault Miss M. Had it not been for your miserable stories, I would have already taken over Castle Grayskull by now. I'm sure of it.
Diary: I am terribly sorry to hear that. Of course, the Evil Warriors will be glad to know, this She-Ra Saturday will mark the 50th Chapter, and it hopefully won't disappoint.
Skeletor: Ha. You think the 50th Chapter will debut this weekend? Come now Miss M, do you really think I'm going to let you leave Snake Mountain so that you can carry out your atrocious fan fiction on the universe? I think not! (At this point, Skeletor prepares a freeze spell to immobilize miss M.)

Diary: (Slightly nervous, Miss M points off in the distance) Oh look! Is that Frank Langella?
Skeletor: (Quickly turning around in excited fan boy charm) Wait, where!?
Diary: (Rushing off in a hurry) Gotta go!

...and while Skeletor was left to pick up the pieces of his shattered fan boy dreams, Miss M ran as fast as she could back to her portal to Earth. Upon arriving home, Miss M had a few missed calls from her mentor April O'Neil inquiring about the interview. Miss M wasn't sure what to say, but one thing was for certain, she had a chapter to write! So stick here, She-Ra Saturday is coming up with an all new chapter of Adora's Search for Honor!