February 2013 Heroic Hottie
Diary of a Dorkette: So you are going to be a contestant on the upcoming new reality show Earth's Next Top Pope. Can you set up the premise of this show?
Pope Pinion: Oh yes, I would be so happy to do that. Toyra Banks (the former model and television mogul) approached me and a few other Pope hopefuls to star in an all new reality show competition to become the next Pope. With all the negative press that the Church has been experiencing lately, Toyra thought it was a nice time to help re-brand Catholicism and what better way than to have the top Popefuls to compete.
Diary: Is this why the current Pope is stepping down?
PP: I can't comment on rumor, but I think the audience will be pleasantly surprised at who will be on the show
Diary: What kinds of competitions will be featured on the show?
PP: Oh Toyra and her crew really created some fun competitions. There will be musical numbers. A Pope-off. We also have a question and answer segment that turns ugly, I think that will be on the 6th episode. We even filmed an episode where we had to make our favorite churches as cakes. At the end of every episode, the contestant who doesn't receive a cross is crucified in oil and batter.
Diary: Sounds very... entertaining. So what will you do if you get to be the lucky one to don the hat?
PP: Oh I have big plans for the Church if I win Earth's Next Top Pope. There are three big things I want to do. First, I'm going to make sure that everyone can get married. With all the bad press the Church has been getting, I feel it important that we find a way to increase revenue. Weddings are expensive, and the Church needs to get in on that! Those beach front properties in Heaven aren't gonna build themselves, ya know what I mean?
Diary: Ok. What about your next goal?
PP: Oh yes, if I become the next Pope I will change things up: male priests will need to file for unemployment. Major studies have shown that there is a 50/50 chance that a male priest will be a sicko. That is why I will change things up and only warrior women will be allowed to be priests. And they must all carry swords. I want to bring a bit of the Crusades back into the spirit of things. Add some war paint and a menacing glare and you've got a show. Commoners will come back to the Church for the theatrics of it all, with no fear of being groped in the corner by a dude in a robe.
Diary: My goodness, you are going to mix it up. What else can you possibly do?
PP: Well I think one thing that the Church has really fallen behind on, is taking care of the homeless. The Church Headquarters resides in a country long known for its venerable Fashion Houses. So if I become the next Pope I will forgo any fancy Prada outfits for myself and make sure that the homeless are supplied with last year's couture. If people are going to live in an empty Castle Grayskull Classics box under a bridge, they should at least get to do it in style.
Diary: As Pope, I would imagine that you will have a great reach to help make the world a better place. But it just seems like everyone hates each other. What could you do to fix Earth?
PP: Oh Miss M, that is really simple. I'd get the leaders of the world to attend some Confession and I'd dole out a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers, and presto, World Peace. Confession works every time.
Diary: Ok so let's change things up. I want to know your thoughts on the mumblings from a few important sources that claim Jesus was a zombie...
PP: Excuse me?! Whatever would give you that idea?!
Diary: Well I mean where do you want me to start? According to Christianity's number one bestseller, Jesus was killed and then came back from the dead. I mean where I come from that is a zombie. So, thoughts?
PP: When you put it that way, yeah, I guess Jesus could have been a zombie. I mean, a high functioning zombie, but a zombie nonetheless.
Diary: So in other words, I think we all know what will be a popular costume for next Halloween.
PP: Well I just wonder how that could become a movie. A Church blockbuster would mean good revenue for Heaven. I'll have to bring this up to my team. If I become the next Pope of course.
Diary: If you win, will you go on a tour or anything?
PP: Oh probably! I will be on a world wide tour signing autographs and meeting my fans. It will be a merchandise dream come true. We'll be able to afford the best wines for Mass and probably be able to install actual golden gates for up above.
Diary: Ok, we're almost done with this interview, so I would like to do some word association. I say a word or phrase and you tell me what comes to mind. Ok, first up: Name something sinful?
PP: Riding with the top down.
Diary: Ok, something heavenly?
PP: Chocolate flavored oil.
Diary: Oh yummy! Ok, favorite Apostle?
PP: Hmm Peter. Or maybe Bjorn. Oh, it's gotta be John!
Diary: Guilty television pleasure?
PP: The Walking Dead. I mean who doesn't like that show?
Diary: Who knows, maybe Jesus will make a cameo?
PP: Oh I think that would just be far fetched.
Diary: Alright, I think that is about it. So how does it feel to be the Heroic Hottie for February?
PP: I want to say I'm flattered, but it does feel slightly strange. I'm trying to be the next Pope. Being a Heroic Hottie just never crossed my mind. It just feels strange.
Diary: Honey, that is the last thing that should be strange. I just interviewed a toy car. But I have to say, I think that your view of the world is magnificent. Or at least part of it. I want to hope that one day everyone can celebrate and honor each other instead of ripping each other apart for reasons that make no sense. Thank you for sitting down with me.
PP: No problem. Now if you don't mind, I need to get a viewing party prepared for the premier of Earth's Next Top Pope.
Diary: Have fun with that.
So that is about it for the all new Heroic Hottie! Enjoy and be sure to stop back by this weekend! She-Ra Saturday is going to rock!