Thursday, February 14, 2013

February 2013 Heroic Hottie

I greatly enjoy my job as a reporter with training by the great April O'Neil. I do my very best to bring you the important and hard hitting interviews that you have all come to know and love. The Heroic Hottie is that one special time of the month when the dorky community gets to learn all about the men that make us swoon. This month's Heroic Hottie may not make us swoon with lust (at least I hope he doesn't) but he is going to be a part of a new show that Diary of a Dorkette just had to learn more about! So embrace this month's Heroic Hottie: Pope Pinion!
February 2013 Heroic Hottie

Diary of a Dorkette: So you are going to be a contestant on the upcoming new reality show Earth's Next Top Pope. Can you set up the premise of this show?
Pope Pinion: Oh yes, I would be so happy to do that. Toyra Banks (the former model and television mogul) approached me and a few other Pope hopefuls to star in an all new reality show competition to become the next Pope. With all the negative press that the Church has been experiencing lately, Toyra thought it was a nice time to help re-brand Catholicism and what better way than to have the top Popefuls to compete.
Diary: Is this why the current Pope is stepping down?
PP: I can't comment on rumor, but I think the audience will be pleasantly surprised at who will be on the show
Diary: What kinds of competitions will be featured on the show?
PP: Oh Toyra and her crew really created some fun competitions. There will be musical numbers. A Pope-off. We also have a question and answer segment that turns ugly, I think that will be on the 6th episode. We even filmed an episode where we had to make our favorite churches as cakes. At the end of every episode, the contestant who doesn't receive a cross is crucified in oil and batter.
Diary: Sounds very... entertaining. So what will you do if you get to be the lucky one to don the hat?
PP: Oh I have big plans for the Church if I win Earth's Next Top Pope. There are three big things I want to do. First, I'm going to make sure that everyone can get married. With all the bad press the Church has been getting, I feel it important that we find a way to increase revenue. Weddings are expensive, and the Church needs to get in on that! Those beach front properties in Heaven aren't gonna build themselves, ya know what I mean?

Diary: Ok. What about your next goal?
PP: Oh yes, if I become the next Pope I will change things up: male priests will need to file for unemployment. Major studies have shown that there is a 50/50 chance that a male priest will be a sicko. That is why I will change things up and only warrior women will be allowed to be priests. And they must all carry swords. I want to bring a bit of the Crusades back into the spirit of things. Add some war paint and a menacing glare and you've got a show. Commoners will come back to the Church for the theatrics of it all, with no fear of being groped in the corner by a dude in a robe.

Diary: My goodness, you are going to mix it up. What else can you possibly do?
PP: Well I think one thing that the Church has really fallen behind on, is taking care of the homeless. The Church Headquarters resides in a country long known for its venerable Fashion Houses. So if I become the next Pope I will forgo any fancy Prada outfits for myself and make sure that the homeless are supplied with last year's couture. If people are going to live in an empty Castle Grayskull Classics box under a bridge, they should at least get to do it in style.

Diary: As Pope, I would imagine that you will have a great reach to help make the world a better place. But it just seems like everyone hates each other. What could you do to fix Earth?
PP: Oh Miss M, that is really simple. I'd get the leaders of the world to attend some Confession and I'd dole out a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers, and presto, World Peace. Confession works every time.
Diary: Ok so let's change things up. I want to know your thoughts on the mumblings from a few important sources that claim Jesus was a zombie...
PP: Excuse me?! Whatever would give you that idea?!
Diary: Well I mean where do you want me to start? According to Christianity's number one bestseller, Jesus was killed and then came back from the dead. I mean where I come from that is a zombie. So, thoughts?
PP: When you put it that way, yeah, I guess Jesus could have been a zombie. I mean, a high functioning zombie, but a zombie nonetheless.

Diary: So in other words, I think we all know what will be a popular costume for next Halloween.
PP: Well I just wonder how that could become a movie. A Church blockbuster would mean good revenue for Heaven. I'll have to bring this up to my team. If I become the next Pope of course.
Diary: If you win, will you go on a tour or anything?

PP: Oh probably! I will be on a world wide tour signing autographs and meeting my fans. It will be a merchandise dream come true. We'll be able to afford the best wines for Mass and probably be able to install actual golden gates for up above.

Diary: Ok, we're almost done with this interview, so I would like to do some word association. I say a word or phrase and you tell me what comes to mind. Ok, first up: Name something sinful?
PP: Riding with the top down.
Diary: Ok, something heavenly?
PP: Chocolate flavored oil.
Diary: Oh yummy! Ok, favorite Apostle?
PP: Hmm Peter. Or maybe Bjorn. Oh, it's gotta be John!
Diary: Guilty television pleasure?
PP: The Walking Dead. I mean who doesn't like that show?
Diary: Who knows, maybe Jesus will make a cameo?
PP: Oh I think that would just be far fetched.
Diary: Alright, I think that is about it. So how does it feel to be the Heroic Hottie for February?
PP: I want to say I'm flattered, but it does feel slightly strange. I'm trying to be the next Pope. Being a Heroic Hottie just never crossed my mind. It just feels strange.
Diary: Honey, that is the last thing that should be strange. I just interviewed a toy car. But I have to say, I think that your view of the world is magnificent. Or at least part of it. I want to hope that one day everyone can celebrate and honor each other instead of ripping each other apart for reasons that make no sense. Thank you for sitting down with me.
PP: No problem. Now if you don't mind, I need to get a viewing party prepared for the premier of Earth's Next Top Pope.
Diary: Have fun with that.

So that is about it for the all new Heroic Hottie! Enjoy and be sure to stop back by this weekend! She-Ra Saturday is going to rock!


  1. Well I'm sure this will offend a lot of people but I personally thought it was cute. I guess you do have some strong feelings about the Church!
    I also offended nearly everyone in my class today while doing a presentation about euphemisms. I asked my teacher if I could swear, (since it was all about making potentially offensive things sound better or worse by using different terminology) and when she said yes..well lets just say I ran with it.
    I must have said fuck like 400 times-in class during a presentation! I even got my teacher-(who is a 65 year old woman) to say fuck! Best Valentines day I've ever had!
    The only thing that really really offended everyone though was when I said "the C word" (which I will refrain from using here because you are a girl and 95% of women can't stand it) -and even though I only said it as an example, you could still feel the shudders coming from every female in the class, and one girl even said "don't say it again!" and I was amazed, you don't really get to feel that raw power that words carry that often on that kind of scale -but I guess if words didn't have the power to hurt people, then what power would we have as writers?
    But speaking of offending the Church and all the "good" decent nice people in the world I was just working on some Sateena Desade sketches, tonight. Something subversive about making a devil as a hero that I know will offend people. when I was a kid, I used to read Hot Stuff comics, and my grandpa suggested that if I liked Hot Stuff so much I should "have him blessed"! Haha! I don't think a priest would bless a stack of devil comics.
    One weird thing about your post tonight-you did a heroic hottie-on a Valentines Day, and didn't even reference valentines day! I thought you would go somewhere with the "heartthrob" valentine motif, but the pope thing was a surprise!

    1. Well it sounds like you had a very interesting class experience! I always love fun presentations that engage everyone in the room. I'm glad you had fun with it!

      And I am really looking forward to the next stuff you do with Sateena! And yeah, I don't think comics would be blessed much. lol I have always thought it was funny how comics were always seen as harmful to minds and stuff. So funny.

      Of course you are aware of the V-Day post. lol So I will go reply to that comment too! I hope you are doing well.

  2. People find their inspiration in the wildest of places. I have no way to express to you how much fun it was to read the adventures of the Pope Mobile, which should be on TV every week. I appreciate the effort. Some people like me give quantity but you give quality.

    1. Thank you Kal. I really am glad you enjoyed it. I always tend to think my cheesy stuff won't go over well with people, but I am glad you enjoyed! I hope you are doing well!