March 2014 Woman of Wonderosity

Previously on All My Toys...

Miss M finally found love with Michelangelo, the party Turtle. Her love was cut short though as her life ended in a sewer explosion courtesy of the wrestler Velvet Sky. Bent on revenge for an article written a few years ago on the extreme blog Diary of a Dorkette, Velvet Sky sought the ultimate revenge from Miss M's quick wit.

Dead with nothing to do in the After Life, Miss M made a twisted deal with the vile Maleficent and returned to Earth... in the body of Golden Girl villain Moth Lady. Now living under a bridge with a pet Roach for a friend, Miss M must find a way to find someone to believe her before the real Moth Lady regains control of her conscience. Struggling with a war in her mind, Miss M merely wants to find a way back to her old life.

Meanwhile, April O'Neil, reporter and journalist extraordinaire and ruler of Diary of a Dorkette has tried her best to continue the fine journalism of the Diary after the grave loss of Miss M. With the help of old friend Irma Langinstein, April can only hope that the Diary will be saved before it is shut down for good...

Click below to find out what happens next!

Miss M's Life is So Square...

It's time for an all new topic for the League of Extraordinary Bloggers! This week's topic is a lovely photo assignment!

My life in one square foot.

Now this sounds like a fun topic! Click below to check out my life in a square foot.

I'm Falling For Geeks

Or rather, I'm falling for the Geek Fall Out Podcast that is! Click below to read more!

March 2014 Heroic Hottie!

Dear Diary,

I've been waiting for what feels like ages for my companion the Roach (I need to find a name for him) to come back with food. I am so hungry! My home is under a bridge. I died months ago only to make a deal with Maleficent in the After Life and now I've been returned to Earth in an all new body. There are wings on my back that I have no idea how to use. Insects communicate with me telepathically. It's grody. I just want my old life back. I want my love, Michelangelo, to realize that I'm back. Most of all I just want Roach to bring back some food. I am starving. Maybe I should venture out into the real world. I can't keep living under the bridge talking to a roach. This is my new life. Better start getting used to it.

-Miss M

I want you to hear my confession...

... I want to be your obsession, this time, this time...

Ok I have that Sky Ferreira song Obsession in my head because I've been thinking about an all new topic for the League of Extraordinary Bloggers! The League has returned better than ever and the latest topic is all about "My Latest Obsession."

For those just tuning in, the League of Extraordinary Bloggers is a group of bloggers that get together and write about a weekly topic that is posted by Brian over at Cool and Collected. The League went on a brief hiatus during the holidays and now that it feels like we've all settled into the new year (are we ever really settled?) I thought it would be super fun to add to the list of everyone's obsessions. Click the link below to find out what my obsessions is, this time, this time...

March 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

Previously on Diary of a Dorkette...

A deal made with Maleficent turned tragic for our lovely heroine as Miss M returned from the After Life into a body that was not her own. (Instead she was found to be inside the body of Moth Lady from Galoob's Golden Girl!) Doing her best to reunite with her lover Michelangelo, Miss M was jolted by the reality that her love did not believe she was actually back from the dead. Homeless and adrift with uncertainty of her future, Miss M plotted her next steps...

Meanwhile, the pirate Sea Hawk was held captive by the Rat King, only to be taken by Two Bad and brought to... Snake Mountain?!

The Cat Ladies (a team up of all the ferocious feline women of pop culture lore) decided that they needed to investigate the details about Miss M's murky death.

Finding a way to save the Diary, April O'Neil called upon old friend Irma Langinstein to try and find a way to save the beloved periodical before having to file Chapter 11!

And now, click below to find out who makes the spot for the March 2014 Bodacious Baddie!

Writing. It Never Ends.

While we wait for our regularly scheduled toy interview, I wanted to share a bit of stuff with those who were interested. In the last few months I mentioned a few projects here and there that I was a part of. One of them turned out to be my guest spot on Nerd Lunch. For those who gave it a listen I greatly thank you. I am truly proud of having that opportunity and I hope it was a fun experience for you all.

Part of that podcast involved the writing of some fan fiction. Without giving away any spoiler alerts, I did write a fan fiction story that was a bit of a sequel to Adora's Search for Honor. For those just tuning in, Adora's Search for Honor was that epic three part She-Ra story I wrote with a new chapter being posted on every Saturday (dubbed She-Ra Saturdays.)

Since that story ended with one big cliffhanger, it was only natural that I would revisit that story. And revisit it I did! More like a light short story between larger stories, this piece I wrote for the podcast was entitled Adora and the Golden Book and it picks up right where the last story ended. It is of course filled with references to various forms of She-Ra lore as well as my own spin for how I feel a She-Ra story should go. It also melds not only the world of She-Ra, but also the world of Golden Girl, the toy line that shared many similarities with the princess of power. I have the first few chapters already posted, and you can read them here. Or, you can also wait as I am debating about posting them here and bringing back She-Ra Saturdays for those who enjoyed it. I don't know that it will be every Saturday as I have been incredibly swamped lately. Being swamped is a good thing though because without all my busy-bodiness I'd be in a world of 'ugh' and 'eff my life.' So check it out if you are interested and/or bored and need something to glaze over at. The link is right here.

There were other things I was involved with too! Some of you may recall that last year in the spring I lost my job. I was jobless for a scary stretch of time. Really scary. I was applying and interviewing like crazy, trying my hand at all kinds of jobs. One thing I also ended up doing was joining a site called Elance, which is a very interesting site for freelance writers looking to get hired for a variety of writing skills. So after applying and providing work for a few people (and having that work get turned down) I did manage to get hired for a job writing a short fiction story. This story was short! And I only had about a week to get it together.

So I used an idea I had when I was younger to craft a murder mystery story and I typed it up as fast as I could. I don't know how I was able to do that. The story is not one of my favorites and I wish there had been a longer amount of time to really create a lovely piece, but I just did not have that kind of time.

After the story was finished, turned in, and I was paid for my work I figured that would be the last I'd hear of the person who hired me. Until a couple months ago when the contractor contacted me to tell me that the website was up and my story was currently ranked at number one and that the contractor was interested in other possible work. Needless to say I was freaking out, only one must remember: being ranked as number one is all relative. I was thinking there was some chatter about my story, but there wasn't much. There were only six views on the story and I am not even sure people had read it. (Which isn't a bad thing because I feel like I could have done much better on the story.)

Either way I am unsure what to make of this creative writing web site that contracted me. I created a profile but I am never able to log in. (The login process says I am not a member when I know I am.) The name of the website is Newbbay, which sounds like newbie when said really fast, so I just have no clue how legitimate this site actually is. I can't tell if the site is being a celebration for new writers or if it is being snarky towards "newb" writers. Or maybe I'm just a touch cynical and mistrustful of the world around me. I will try to work on something better though to submit and see if people have anything to say about it. At the very least, I don't mind getting hired for something else.

One last thing I wanted to share with you all involves the short short story contest I entered back in the fall. Some of you wanted me to keep things up to date. Well... I did not win the short short story contest. However I am very thrilled that I got the chance to participate in this contest. I got to send something for consideration and now that I know the fate of that item, I can now share it for those who were interested in reading!

So let me set up the premise for this short short story. (It had to be less than 1500 words.) I have mentioned that before the Diary I had a whole other blog ages ago called I Know Something. It was a hodge podge blog that saw me sharing my rants about the world, my distressed love lives (seriously, I always say the only difference between Elizabeth Taylor and me was that she got all the jewels) and there was plenty of dorky talk what with my views on She-Ra and those chilling Night of the Living Roach stories. So this short short story I submitted was from that old blog and I just touched it up a little for the contest. It is super short and I hope you enjoy!

The Path to Love

            “Get off my car!” I’m talking loudly and fairly certain that I’m expressing ‘ugly’ face. My screams continue, “This damn bastard is on my window shield! Who in the hell does this grasshopper think he is?” The creep was already on my door. I had to carefully open the driver’s door so as not to have the thing hop into my car. I loathe bugs with a passion. Especially bugs that refuse to get off my car.

            Now this little turd grasshopper has moved from the door and is on my window shield and I am having problems driving. This lime green grasshopper is the size of a giant’s finger. “Get off my car, you sorry ragamuffin! Of all the cars, you had to hop onto mine.” I can see his big bug eyes looking at me through the window. It is all enough to unearth my inner bitch, “I know you can hear me. Don’t give me that look!” This damn thing has got to be a male, because like any male I have dealt with in my life, he is just not listening to me.

            There is only one thing that must be done in this situation; I merely need to speed up. My little yellow Volkswagen flies down the road and this creep grasshopper is going to have no other choice but to find someone else to annoy. He does not budge. I moan to myself, "Oh come on, I’m going 60 in a 50. How is he even able to hold on? Why am I even freaking out about this? Shouldn't I live and let live?" No. I am not a monk. This bothersome grasshopper must find another ride.

            He will. I’m finally in the Mega-Mart parking lot ready to do my grocery shopping and now that the car is at a stop, this grasshopper will realize that in order to survive, he has to go. It is all rather simple, and as I step out of my car and lock the doors, I can’t help but look down over the bright lime green grasshopper. The sun is beating down on me. I twitch as the grasshopper looks up at me. He still refuses to move. I glare with the harshest death stare I can muster before whispering, “Listen up asshole: if you aren’t gone by the time I get back, I will kill you myself.”

            I realize I must sound insane and fortunately enough no one is in the parking lot. There’s a long walk to the store, but the coast is clear. No one is aware that a silly white girl from the suburbs just threatened the life of a grasshopper. “Is this really what it has come to? When did I become that person?” Shaking my neurosis off, I pull out my grocery list and embrace the nice cool climate of a super large all-consuming consumer store with cheap affordable prices on semi nice items.

            As I walk in I am immediately summoned by the smell of French fries at the greasy Happy Burger located right at the entrance. My heart is beating fast, I’m almost ready to forgo the grocery list and just order some fries. What would be the harm in that? It would certainly cost less. Alas, I keep walking. No reason to cave into temptation. With my track record, caving into temptation is usually a tremendous mistake. Lord knows I have the list of exes to prove it.

            Grocery shopping is interesting. There is a great deal of “people” watching for sure. There are also the little observations, like, “Wow, someone tried to siphon the bath wash out of that bottle.” Or, “Wow, someone literally shit on the floor.” Grocery shopping is classy.

            On my mission to find the perfect cheese, I find that young love is growing like a mold on brie. Two young lovebirds are entwined in the dairy aisle. He is wearing gym shorts that outline his package in the most vulgar of ways and she is a clueless halfwit in low rise jeans and crunchy hair. All I want is some cheese.

            Full of smiles, I interrupt the wide eyed couple, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to cut in, but I need some cheese.” They look at me with fear and sadness, as if I am some old crone bent on destroying love and feelings and rainbows. I want to tell them that I was in love once upon a time, and that it turned sour; like most things in this dairy aisle from the looks of it. Maybe I don’t need the cheese after all.

            Instead I grin, “Get it? I’m cutting in for cheese?” They clearly are not prepared for my humor, which only makes me feel more like a crone. I apologize for invading their space, even though I know they are the ones invading my space by blocking the cheese. Who does that? Why am I so bitter? Oh I know why, my ex decided to leave me so he could wear diapers and be spanked by a dominatrix.

            I am all too aware of this personal bitterness, sadly. Maybe I’m just hungry though. That’s it. I’m hungry. The French fries at Happy Burger are calling me from afar. I must heed the Siren’s call. I deserve a break. After all, I’ve been grocery shopping at Mega-Mart. Surely the trials and tribulations of this experience merit a reward of salty fried potatoes? I say potato and my ass says you’ll never work in this town again.  

            After checking out with the kind cashier, I look over my cart of single lady groceries: soap opera magazines because they are amazing, clearance lipstick from three seasons ago, bubblegum ice cream for solo movie night, and cheese for frozen taquitos. My grocery cart really sucks. I stare longingly one last time at the golden archway into the Happy Burger. The greasy fast food restaurant is casting an intimidating glare as I make my way to the exit. The French fries are still calling, singing their praises. I glide by though. There is no reason to order something that will make me feel bad about myself, no matter how seductive they may be. Or smell. God fries smell so good. 

            Back in the parking lot I find myself busy with my bags of food. Regret over the fries lingers in the air like the smell of cologne from a bad boy. Oh that smell is so good. I almost cave in to my desires. Ignoring this is difficult, because damn it, I desperately want a life. I want love. I want to canoodle with a guy in gym shorts on aisle three. I think. What is it that I am supposed to want? I don’t know anymore.

            Inside the safety of my little round Volkswagen, I get ready to back out of the parking space, when suddenly I see something disturbing. That obnoxious grasshopper is still on my car. “Look at this jerk, still on the hood of my car catching a breeze while I try to drive.” The nerve! I was grocery shopping for over an hour, and this grasshopper is still here, he did not go to another car, nor did he hop into some grassy field like he was supposed to. He stuck around. No one sticks around. I have a long list of men who left as fast as they could.

            “Oh no, what in the world…” In this moment as I try to get out of the Mega-Mart parking lot with a grasshopper staring at me through my window shield, I realize that this disgusting insect is more reliable than most of my past loves. This grasshopper waited for me. He sat in the heat while I went shopping. Why can’t this grasshopper turn into a prince? I think I have just found the perfect man, except he is lime green and hops a lot. On the other hand, he is a vegetarian, so he’d get me into shape. Holy hell, is it possible that shopping at Mega-Mart gives me super Zen powers where all problems in life begin to make sense? The ride home suddenly isn’t so bad. Possibilities of the future abound and I feel hopeful. I’m going to be all right, with or without a man. I’m working towards the path to the greatest love with someone: myself. 

       

And then the Dorkette spoke...

...and I can only hope that you are not all running for the hills.

Ok everyone the time has finally come! As some of you may know, I was invited to be a guest on the Nerd Lunch podcast. This is the 121st episode of the podcast and it is finally up for your listening pleasure! Here is the link to the actual site- 121st episode of Nerd Lunch.

Or you can also listen right here:



But I highly suggest listening to both. There is a really fun picture on the Nerd Lunch link that teases just a glimpse of the fun on the podcast and it is everything! A big thanks again to CT, Pax, and CW. I had a blast on this podcast and I hope that everyone is doing well!

Nerds Who Lunch

Hey everybody. So remember when I said I was a part of an exciting project awhile ago? Well I am now finally ready to sort of give away what that project was. I finally got to be on my very first podcast experience and it was with the always fun Nerd Lunch podcast. For those who are not aware, Nerd Lunch is a part of the Atomic Geeks Podcasting Network and the Nerd Lunch podcast is hosted by a trio of really cool guys, CT, Jeeg, and Paxton Holley.

I've listened to Nerd Lunch every so often for awhile now. It is a really great podcast. One of the first episodes I heard was when the group was talking with the Sexy Armpit about Saved By the Bell and all I could think of was, "This is the coolest freakin' thing ever." I highly suggest that if you haven't yet, head over to the Nerd Lunch podcast. It is so worth it. CT and the guys put a lot of work into each episode and the guests they invite are always people I imagine would be a blast to hang out with.

Anyways, so last night I joined the podcast with CT, CW (Claymation Werewolf of the Retroist awesomeness) and Paxton Holley. Only, I almost didn't make it. So while we wait for the new episode to go up this coming week, I thought I'd share my huge misadventure and how I almost missed the call to join in and be a part of Nerd Lunch.

I was originally meant to leave work yesterday at 4:30 pm. It was the perfect schedule. I was going to have plenty of time to go home and shake off the stress from the day and get ready for the podcast recording. I was super thrilled. I have been since I was first asked. Last Spring CT had emailed me in regards to joining in on an episode, but I couldn't due to some personal stuff. Cut to a couple months ago and I was asked again and nothing, I mean nothing, was going to stop me from being a part of this.

As the clock struck 4 at work I was eagerly awaiting the countdown until 4:30 pm. Only that didn't happen. The cosmetics and fragrance department where I work has been seriously understaffed lately. A wave of people were let go and the store has been a bit behind in finding people to fill those spots, so I noticed that things were very hectic and crazy. I didn't want to be that girl that just abandons the ship while the other few are freaking out with all the customers.

So I stayed, but I knew I had to leave at a certain time because I was expecting the call at 8:30 from the podcast. It was no problem. Until it became a problem as things so often do. The cosmos really love throwing whatever they can at me, I think to see how I will respond. But since I have She-Ra, Wonder Woman, and Storm on my side, there is nothing that will keep me down for long.

A customer had called earlier in the day asking if we could do a full-on makeover for her because she had a splashy event to get to that night. I explained that we were incredibly busy but that someone would more than likely be able to help her. I didn't want that person to be me. Like I've said before, I know how to apply my own makeup, but I am very nervous at applying my hand to someone else's face. Unless it is an Erica Kane situation and my enemy deserves it. Joking. Sort of.

Anyways, the lady arrived and no one wanted to do her makeup. No one. I was freaking out. My new co-workers were still trying to learn the ropes of the department so I was helping them while trying to also help a growing number of agitated customers. (One lady stormed off saying, "I'm going across the street, that other store is much faster than this.") Can I just say, I have totally forgotten how crazy retail is. I don't know what it is, but some people tend to think that retail workers are half wits. I was trying to help multiple people and my co-workers all at once. It was just not going to work out for everyone.

Then there was the case of the lady who wanted her face to be flawless for her evening event. It was up to me, and me alone. She wasn't sure I was the woman for the job. I really wasn't. I am a marriage and family therapist, not a makeup artist. I was shaking. The lady was a lawyer. All I could think was, "Can I be sued if I make her face look busted?" I can't be sued. Right? You can't be sued for applying makeup in the wrong way. I mean what would I even be sued for? I'm practically poor. I'm rich in She-Ra toys, but a court wouldn't take that away from me? Right? I'll hide those toys if I have to.

The process was terrifying. I've applied makeup before to other people, but not like this. She got the works. I prepped her face with some toner to remove any excess dirt and grease. I then applied a nice primer to create the perfect canvas for her makeup. Next I brushed on foundation over her entire face. The eyes were the next to get beat as I filled in her eyebrows, shimmied a nice highlighter below her brows, dusted the prettiest shade over her lids before swiping a darker shadow in the creases of her eyes while topping that all off with a thin line of deep sparkly shadow that made her eyes snap crackle and pop. To complete the whole look I then added some subtle blush to her cheeks while lining and filling in her lips with a sultry shade of lipstick that I knew her husband would flip to see her in. She loved it.

She wasn't really a makeup girl. We were talking while I was fixing her up and she was like, "I'm a lawyer. I don't do much with my every day look, but I like feeling special every now and then." I was relieved that she felt special when she left with her products. Once that was all done I cleaned the station, fixed all the brushes and everything. Time was of the essence and I felt like I was in Adventures in Babysitting or Ferris Bueller's Day Off, like when the characters from those two movies are rushing to get everything done in just enough time.

I was clocked out and everything was good to go. I stepped out of the store at 6:50 pm and could only sigh, "I made it out. I will be home in plenty of time to sit back, gather my thoughts, and await the recording for the episode at 8:30 pm." That's when I heard CT's voice looming over head, as if he was floating in the clouds, "Remember, we'll start recording at 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time."

I slapped my head harder than Homer. I don't live in Eastern Standard Time. I live in the Central Standard Time Zone. Curse the cosmos! I had to be ready for the call at 7:30! It was 6:50-ish! Blasted Central Time! I screwed up. I felt my heart leave my body and flop around on the pavement in the parking lot. I never ran so fast in my life. My feet were swollen, they looked nothing like my regular semi-cute feet, but they got me to my car and it was time to go. I kicked the car into automatic high gear and I was off!

When it comes to laws, I do tend to mostly follow them, but I may have been speeding 5 miles over the speed limit to try and make it home in time. I had Beyoncé blaring in my car. My eyes kept twitching to the clock radio in fear that I wasn't going to make it in time. I could not miss this. I had been looking forward to being a guest on Nerd Lunch for awhile now and this was really important to me.

So this of course means that the cosmos had one other trick up their sleeve: I got stopped by a train. Screams of really bad words flew out of my mouth so fast. The clock was still ticking and time was not on my side.

Somehow I made it home though with just a sliver of time left to spare. My parents and brother were going out to dinner with my aunt and uncle, so I did my best to usher them out. I live with a very loud family and I needed a quiet space. My dog got nervous with all the commotion of my family leaving and he went number one all over the freshly cleaned carpet in my parent's living room. I was just two seconds away from having a nervous break down. I had no idea how I was going to be ready.

I made it though. There were five minutes left until 7:30. I had some water so that my voice wasn't crappy sounding since I'd been talking all day. (Side note: I really hate my voice. So not only was I barely going to make it in time, I also had to deal with the fear of sounding like a total moron.)

However, once we were recording it all went away. I had a really great time. It was nice to talk to these guys. CT, CW, and Pax are really cool. They all have their own projects that they are working on and once the podcast is up I will share more with you all about where to hear it and how to catch up with them all. It was a wild and hectic Saturday, but it was totally worth it. A big thanks goes out to Nerd Lunch for asking me to be on an episode. It was a very fun experience.

I just wanted to share that with you all. I am off though, I've got some fun articles to come up with in regards to some reviews on Modulok and Glimmer. I also plan on catching up on all the comments I am behind with. Take care everyone!  

February 2014 Woman of Wonderosity!

Dear Diary,

Love is the most important thing. All kinds of stories exist about love and the pursuit of that one person that is going to "get" you. I found that person. He is a Ninja Turtle. And not even the confines of the After Life can stop me from reuniting with Michelangelo. True, I had to make a dreadful deal with Maleficent, but that's ok. I doubt I'll ever find her silly dragon figurine. I have just one problem though. I'm not in my old body. I have a new body. It's a bit haggard. I have these slimy insect wings. I smell like moth balls. I feel like this body once belonged to a villain from Golden Girl. My hair is in desperate need of a wash and set. I look like a villain. However none of that matters, because I am trying to fly to my old house to reunite with my love. At least I'm trying to fly. Having wings now from never having them before is, like, way weird. Flying is hard.

-Miss M