I've been waiting for what feels like ages for my companion the Roach (I need to find a name for him) to come back with food. I am so hungry! My home is under a bridge. I died months ago only to make a deal with Maleficent in the After Life and now I've been returned to Earth in an all new body. There are wings on my back that I have no idea how to use. Insects communicate with me telepathically. It's grody. I just want my old life back. I want my love, Michelangelo, to realize that I'm back. Most of all I just want Roach to bring back some food. I am starving. Maybe I should venture out into the real world. I can't keep living under the bridge talking to a roach. This is my new life. Better start getting used to it.
Stepping out into the real world, Miss M feels uncomfortable...
Miss M: Everyone looks so normal. I mean look over there, that guy from Jurassic Park is going to the Post Office. I bet he gets cool dinosaur mail, like Dino-DNA samples and stuff. He's practically contributing to society in ways that are far better than anything I could ever do. I can't even get these wings to work. I could be flying into forest fires and saving animals and people who walk on dangerous hiking trails alone.
She continues walking, trying to find her footing in a familiar place that is entirely new to her.
Miss M: (Walks past Minnie Mouse) Minnie looked happy. She's got a new dress. Maybe she'll marry Mickey and they'll live happily ever after. In other news, why does that sundae shop have to be closed? I am so hungry. My stomach is making strange noises.
Suddenly, her sights rest upon something truly triumphant in taste, texture, and smell.
Miss M: A trifecta of goodness! What were they injected with? I've never seen fruit this big!
Miss M: This is my lucky day! I can feed off those grapes for days! And goodness, it feels like I haven't had a strawberry in ages! Not counting that half chewed piece of strawberry Bubblicious on the street last night.
Going in for a heavenly bite, Miss M can only grin.
Miss M: This is going to be awesome!
Something goes awry though, the grapes fight back!
Miss M: (gasps at her hunger hallucination) What? I thought you were both fruits.
Minotaur Mel: Did you hear that Scott? She just insulted us.
One Eyed Scott: We are fruits. At least that's what an uninformed breeder would call us! Not only have you insulted us, a fabulous gay couple, but you also tried to eat me!
Miss M: I don't understand. I was looking at real life fruit just now.
Minotaur Mel: Just listen to this ignorant old woman! She won't stop!
One Eyed Scott: My partner and I may be different from you, but we have feelings too! Our love is no more disturbing than your inability to use a flat iron.
Minotaur Mel: Quiet Scott! She might be on bath salts.
Miss M: I'm so confused. What's happening to me?
Minotaur Mel: How long do you have? I suppose you'll tell us next that we can be changed with only minimal repairs.
Miss M: Oh no! Not at all. I love gay men! I'm good friends with Vanity Smurf. I would never try to insult you. I'm practically a gay icon! Please, you must understand. I've been through a lot. This isn't even my body.
One Eyed Scott: She thinks she is a gay icon? I've never heard of her.
Minotaur Mel: Yeah, she just looks like a deranged old woman that smells like moth balls.
One Eyed Scott: She is delusional.
Minotaur Mel: Come on Scott. Let's get to the comic convention center.
Miss M: Wait! Don't go! I can explain all of this. I never meant to offend! I'm really sweet! Honest.
One Eyed Scott: How can she be sweet with slimy wings and bad hair?
Minotaur Mel: It takes all kinds hon. Let's hurry.
Miss M: But gay men do love me! I'm certain of it. I'm fun, a real party girl. If the gays hate me now, I might as well just jump off a bridge.
As Miss M sighs over her fall from social grace, a familiar scent of an all beef patty and yummy melted cheese wafts towards her.
A divine cheeseburger heads towards her, trying to get her attention.
Getting ever closer, the cheeseburger soon captures the attention of Miss M.
Miss M: Well who are you? Don't you look cute!
Miss M: Are you trying to say something to me? I haven't had a cheeseburger in such a long time. My goodness you smell so good. I want you in my stomach.
Miss M: You even come with french fries! How sweet are you?! I'll heed your call and take a much needed bite. Thank you for finding me giant cheeseburger.
Lifting the burger up, Miss M struggles with the weight and grease.
Miss M: Goodness, you are so heavy.
Miss M: Bottoms up!
A piercing scream cuts through the air, pausing Miss M from her first bite.
Jessica: (of Filmation's Ghostbusters fame) What do you think you are doing?! Are you deranged! You can't eat that!
Miss M: (looks down in horror) What? It's happening again...
Pony: Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie. Please don't eat me. Though I bet I'd taste positively scrumptious! Like confetti and balloons! A real party. I love parties! I bet you taste like dust!
Jessica: How dare you try to eat some poor defenseless pony! In the middle of the street no less! What do you think this is, Sochi? Who are you? Give me your name.
Miss M: Oh you were always a noisy reporter. No wonder April never wanted to work with you.
Jessica: What are you talking about? I'm calling the police.
Miss M can only run.
Jessica: Someone stop the crazy crone with the slimy wings! Hurry! Stop her, she's a crazed lunatic!
Pinkie Pie: Run moth lady! Run! Yay, this is so exciting!
Miss M: I just want some food!
Roach: Where is the lady of the manor? I brought back brioche.
Catching her breath from running down the street, Miss M finds herself in a place she simply needed to be in.
Miss M: O. M. G.
Apu: Hello, and welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart!
Miss M: Oh snap. This just got even weirder.
Apu: How can I help you?
Miss M walks around the store.
Miss M: Apu, I'm not gonna even lie, I need some food. But I only have 35 cents. What can I get for that?
Apu: What in the world time do you think this is? 1936? You can't buy anything for 35 cents, not even a small squishee.
Miss M: What about a fair trade? Like a barter. I could provide you with a service and you could provide me with food.
Apu: I don't like what you are trying to say. This is not Barter Town. Tina Turner will not be jumping into a metal dome.
Miss M: But I could offer you something you've never experienced before. Fame. People from all over the world would find out who you are. I'm a writer and I could feature you as a Heroic Hottie for the month of March.
Apu: What does that even mean?
Miss M: It means that I'd interview you and you'd appear in a diary.
Apu: Oh Vishnu, save me now with all your glorious limbs...
March 2014 Heroic Hottie!
Miss M: Oh Apu, it will be wonderful! I'll interview you (whispers to herself) for a job that I no longer have (speaks loudly again) and it will just be fantastic! I'm just going to need something to eat first.
Apu: Here are some Cinnamon sticks straight from my home land. They'll bring you good luck.
Miss M: Yeah. I bet those are really good, but I was thinking more along the lines of this...
Miss M: Mmm, a cheap burger and hot dog sound so good. What do you say? Is that a deal or what? Throw in a Squishee and I'll see about getting a reality show based on you and all those kids. We'll call it Apu Plus Eight.
Apu: I think that sounds very dumb. I'm terribly sorry, but I cannot give you free food from the Kwik-E-Mart.
Miss M: Apu, please. I just need some food. You've always been such a kind man to me. You used to specially order Soap Opera Digest magazines for me.
Apu: I do not understand what you are talking about. That was a young girl with skin as white as snow.
Miss M: I'm that girl! I'm the dork girl that would buy the soap digest magazines!
Apu: How is that possible?
Miss M: It's a long story. I died and came back to life in this new body. I mean, don't you believe in reincarnation and things like that?
Apu: I'm sorry crazy old lady, but that is not how reincarnation works. I think you are crazy and should leave.
Miss M: I just need to get something to eat. Please!
Apu: I can't believe you won't shut up!
Fed up with her hunger pains, Miss M won't take much more...
Miss M: (screams) Now listen here Apu! I am not leaving until I have gotten something to eat! I've got crimped hair, an empty stomach, and a single roach for a friend. I need something to eat! (sighs to herself) What has gotten into me?
Apu: This day gets more and more disturbing.
Miss M: Forget this! I want a Squishee!
Jumping off the counter, Miss M opens wide and turns on the Squishee machine. The cold frozen slush pours into her mouth. The cold liquid tastes amazing.
Apu: What are you doing? You crazy old moth ball lady! You're going to give yourself a brain freeze!
Miss M indeed ends up giving herself a severe brain freeze.
Apu: Help! Somebody help this crazy old moth lady. Her brain is frozen by Squishee Shiva!
Apu: You silly young boys with your scowls, quit looking out the door and call an ambulance! This crazy old lady with the smell of dust won't wake up!
As Apu tries to find a way to thaw Miss M out, a strange situation unfolds inside the mind of Miss M's new body...
Miss M: Hello? Is anyone here? My goodness, it feels so cold. Where am I? Did I die again? Crap.
Miss M: Gosh, it's really cold. Although I do look like my old self, so that's good. Right?
Moth Lady: Riiight.
Miss M: Hey! It's you! I'm in your body. But what are you doing here?
Moth Lady: You're in my mind idiot.
Miss M: Huh?
Moth Lady: I know you've read an X-Men comic or two, so you should be able to follow along. We are both inside my mind. Emphasis on my mind, you body snatching bitch!
Miss M: But you were dead, right?
Moth Lady: Wrong. True, I may have had a bit too much to drink and I may or may not have fallen down some stairs hitting my head rather hard before falling into a brief coma, but I never died! Now I've lost all control of my body and what do I find next? Your conscious in my mind, controlling my precious body! I never thought I'd have to one day share space with a dork. I wish I could drink myself into an oblivion.
Miss M: Oh wow. So what happens now? We just share a body together? I don't want that, I want my old body back.
Moth Lady: I want my old body back as well. Which is why I wouldn't get to comfortable in my body. I'm getting stronger from my bender. And soon I'm going to reclaim my brain and be in charge of my body again.
Miss M: What will happen to me?
Moth Lady: Who cares? It doesn't matter! You'll cease to exist for all I care. All you'll feel will be my memories and my life dripping into your mind and soon you'll be consumed by my conscience. You'll fade into my life.
Miss M: But won't I be doing the same thing? If we are sharing these traits, won't you know everything about me?
Moth Lady: I know everything I never wanted to know about you already. After I've regained control of my body again, I'll simply drink to forget all about your pathetic memories and thoughts that are burning a hole through me, like the worst stomach acids.
Miss M: It doesn't have to be that way though. We could simply meld, ya know? Become the ultimate person. I'm not all that bad. What do you say?
They reach out to hold each other's hands, two unlikely partners in the most strangest of circumstances.
Moth Lady: We could be as one?
Miss M: If it means I can still live my life, I'd get used to it.
Moth Lady: Too bad I never will!
Moth Lady: (grunts loudly with her foot over Miss M's neck) I should just wipe you out now! I want my body back in my control!
Miss M: (chokes) P-p-lease. N-n-no.
Pinkie Pie: Oh gosh, that looks painful! Don't mind me though, I thought I'd stop by for a visit. I think we should throw a party. Parties always have a way of making things better. We could have cupcakes and confetti! Or even Confetti Cupcakes! I love Confetti Cupcakes! Don't you?
Miss M: Help me. Make this stop.
Pinkie Pie: Oh, I can't make any of this stop. You're imagining me right now. We can still throw a super fun party though! I'll even invite the other ponies!
Miss M's eyes flutter open as she feels the pressing of lips and air into her system...
Apu struggles to provide CPR to a non-responsive Miss M.
Miss M: (jumps up gasping for breath) Oh my goodness! What happened?!
Apu: You had a brain freeze from the stolen Squishee you drank.
Miss M: Oh yeah. I forgot.
Apu: I think you should leave, and never return. You have caused enough trouble for four reincarnations.
Miss M: I'm so sorry Apu. I never meant to cause so many problems. I just wanted some food.
Apu: I am truly sorry crazy old moth lady. This is not a shelter though. Nothing in life is for free.
Miss M: You got that right.
Apu: Take some Cinnamon sticks for your karmic alignment!
Miss M: No thanks. I don't deserve your help. I did this all to myself. Have a nice day Apu.
Apu: Thank you, and come again!
March 2014 Heroic Hottie!
Miss M walks away from the Kwik-E-Mart with much on her mind.
Miss M: What got into me back there? I acted so rude. Is it the Moth Lady? Is she fighting to come back into power over this body? Do I want to stop the world and melt with her and become one? What am I going to do? I'm so lost. I never should have made that deal with Maleficent. This is all my fault. There is only one person that will understand and find a way to help though. I need to talk to April O'Neil. My best friend and the one who will make this all right...
To be continued!
The new Miss M crosses paths with her friend and mentor April O'Neil!
Also, find out what Velvet Sky has been up to!
An all new Woman of Wonderosity is up next!