Saturday, April 2, 2016

All My Toys: Showdown!

Dear Diary,

I'm not meant for this world. I don't understand it. Sure I look like I belong, but looks are deceiving. I have a smile as big as Texas. I'm also a fan of M.A.S.K. so read into that what you can. I just don't get it. None of it. I have to return the key to my house I shared with my husband. Well I guess he is now my ex-husband. How in the hell does that happen? I was always scared the marriage would end but I hoped that was just my anxiety, ya know, nothing based in reality. I sort of knew though that it was not going to work. One knows. You just know. It's how it is. I tend to love too much while hoping for someone to love me just as much in return. It's never really worked. I bare my soul, things like secrets and lies are catnip to my anxiety. I have to confront him. I really want to just leave the key in the mailbox. Why not? He won't care. But he has to know. He has to know what he did to me. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Before that though, I will do some toy shopping. If only to clear my mind. Yeah. That's it. Totally.

-Miss M

David: How is your co-worker, the one who got cut up in her car?
Michael: Oh Alice, yes. She's still in the hospital. I visited her the other day. Her wounds are extensive. So sad and so scary.

David: Did they ever catch the guy?

Michael: No and what's even scarier is that there have been two more instances of people getting cut up in the parking lot.

David: You should really find another job.

Michael: I know. Who would have thought retail would be so killer?

David: You've been waiting to say that huh?

Michael: Yes. I have. That message was brought to you by Frito's Corn Chips.

David: We should stop and get food later on, we can see if Patrick can join us. Anyways, what are you looking for?

Michael: I don't know. I haven't been doing much toy shopping lately. Work has just been all consuming.
David: Yeah. I'm glad you asked me to hang out though. I'm in the mood to buy something fun.

Michael: Too bad there aren't anymore Lego mini-figures right now. That might actually be a good thing, I can't go groping all these bags in the store like I'm some thirsty chick on a first date. Which reminds me, I need to tell you about the girls at work and a special trip to the ICU.

David: What?

Michael: So like this one girl I work with was talking and showing this picture of a guy's junk, it was like scary big, and the other girl kept saying that's an ICU.
David: I don't get it.

Michael: She said it's a ding dong so big it will send you to the ICU.

David: Ha. Gross.

Another toy patron walks by.

Parent: Think of the children! You two shouldn't be talking like that! Horrifying! You must not have kids of your own.

Michael: No ma'am. My carton is busted.
David: Children terrify me. 

Parent: Ugh. Why are you even here?

Michael: Umm grown adult toy collector here!
David: I am too. We were talking a bit much. Sorry.

Michael: I know, I know. I forgot where we are at. No more ding dong talk.

David: It's ok. Hey, I remember this version of Candy Land.

Michael: I know! This is my favorite version! Guess they are reissuing it. That makes me feel so old. I'm buying it.

David: There ya go. Capitalism and nostalgia. Gets us every time.
Michael: I wish they had made a movie or toy line from the look of this game. I want a Queen Frostine damn it!
Michael: (turns to upset parent) I'm sorry for being such a foul mouthed hussy! I'm really a sweet person!

David: I don't think she cares. How have other things been?

Michael: Eh. Ok I guess. Just mostly busy with work. Trying to get my mind on a healthier track. I just haven't felt like myself. (pauses) David! Shut the freakin front door!

Michael: Look at this! A doll house on sale! I could use this for my toy stories! Damn that Barbie and her perfect life.

David: You should get it.

Michael: I love a good play set. I'm totally getting it. Consequences be damned.

Daivd: You'll probably have to smuggle it in huh?

Michael: Yeah, my mom would not be thrilled with me bringing in anything else. I mean whatever though, I could actually be smuggling in drugs or human organs like on the news. It could always be worse! This dollhouse is just a lovely play set that needs to house my dolls who have been displaced through divorce.

David: Speaking of that, have you given Joel the key to the house?

Michael: Umm...

Michael: Not yet. I was actually going to do that later on today.

David: Need me to go with you and wait in the car?

Michael: Oh no. I'll be fine. You and Patrick both have already done way more than enough.

David: I know, but we're here for you. It's gotta be hard to leave the place you built as a home for you two. You had such high hopes it would be better.
Michael: I know. Life doesn't run on hopes though. However, ya think I could just live in this thing for the rest of my life? It comes with a pink roof and fold out closet. What more do you need?

Later on at Joel's house...

Michael: (sighs to herself) You can do this. You just have to give the rotten turd his key back and be done with it.

Joel: Hey Michael, want something to drink?
Michael: No, I'm totally good.
Joel: I saw you through the window. You look good. You're working two jobs now? Seems like you've lost some weight.

Michael: Yes. It's always nice to be reminded of weight. It's like, "Hi, you may have found the cure for assholism, but who cares, you've slimmed down!" You look nice and tan. How was your cruise?

Joel: Oh my cruises were great. It's so nice to be able to get away on all these trips. I've really needed it with the stress of divorce and all.

Michael: Wow. Glad to see you handling stress so well. I can't sleep at night and there is a stalker at Lacy's. I also can't seem to keep my big toe bruise free. (speaks seriously) I fear I'm going to lose it. Oh, and I brought your key back. I won't keep you.
Joel: No, stay for awhile. I actually wanted to talk to you.

Michael: Really? (whispers to herself) What does he want to talk about?

Joel: Do you mind? I've had some time to think after being on all these cruises. One of them was a family cruise and my cousin brought her friend along who was this 19 year old girl who had just had a baby. It really got me thinking about some things and the future.

Michael: (continues to whisper to herself) Oh what in the world is he going to say? Could it be that he wants to actually be a better person and finally treat me with the love and respect I deserve?

Joel: I spent a lot of time with this girl. She was giving me a lot of attention and you know how I am when someone gives me attention.

Michael: (she nods thinking to herself) Oh, he couldn't care less about me.

Joel: Everyone kept telling us we needed to get a room.

Michael: (feels her voice rising in anger) Is there a point to this? I'm trying to understand why I need to know this?

Joel: Oh right, sorry. Anyways, this girl just had a son and I was learning all these things from her and it... it... it made me realize that I want to be a better man. I am starting to understand my identity more and what I want. I want to have a child.

Michael: Are you serious right now? Seriously, is this real life or am I about to be on some third rate reality show?

Joel: What do you mean?

Michael: When we were together I would try to talk about children and you'd be completely against the idea. It all boiled down to you trying to figure out who you wanted to be or who you were attracted to or if there needed to be any transitions in your life. Now all of a sudden you spend some time with some 19 year old and now your life path is suddenly Crystal Pepsi.

Joel: Michael, come on now, you aren't getting it. I know we talked adoption, but when I say I want a child, I mean one of my very own.

Michael: Right. And I can't have children on account of my fugly egg carton. So I'm pretty useless huh? Luckily some 19 year old girl got you to see what your priorities are. Unbelievable.

Joel: I thought you'd be happy for me that I was figuring out what I want.

Michael: You have got to be the biggest most selfish ass hat I have ever met. Why did you ever marry me? Why? I don't understand. Why marry me when you knew you had no business marrying me in the first place?! You lied to me!

Joel: Maybe so, but more importantly I was lying to myself. I don't know why I married you. I guess you just seemed so good on paper. You are really pretty. You had this kind and loving personality. You were working on a career. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

Michael: Let me share a sweet secret with you. Never ask a woman to marry you if you think it seems like the right thing to do. For the love of Etheria how could you do this to me? All the lies. All the double lives and secrets you had. You lied so much that I thought I was going crazy. I can't believe this.

Joel: What do you want from me Michael? I know I was wrong in how I went about things, but you weren't an innocent in all this. I've been talking to my therapist and he got me to see that we both contributed to this marriage not working.

Michael: Ha. Is that so? What did I do wrong? What? I didn't cook enough? I couldn't produce a baby for you? What?

Joel: I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Michael: Oh that ship has sailed. That ship sailed so fast it backed into a polar ice cap and somehow ended up stuck in a volcano with Kimber. It's a little late for trying to spare my feelings.

Joel: Fine. You want to know the truth all right! You have a problem. You collect far too much stuff. I didn't know I was going to marry someone who would continue to collect so much stuff. I didn't think my grown adult wife would have action figures in our bedroom. When you lost your therapy job and couldn't find work, I'd come home from working all day and I'd find you sitting in the dining room setting up toys for your useless blog. Snapping pictures. You needed to be finding a job. Damn it Michael, you gave up.

Michael: Screw you for even saying that. I fought tooth and nail to find work. I was up all night sending out resumes and filling out online applications. I was going on interviews during the day. I could not find anything! You sorry bastard! Those toys and my writing was the only thing that kept me fucking sane! I'd have some moments in the afternoon to just go to a place that helped me be able to breathe, because I sure as hell could not turn to you. I couldn't dare ask my husband to be my rock and to be there for me. You were too busy trying to fit into my clothes when I wasn't around. Do you have any idea what it was like for me to lose my career uncertain of what I would do next? All the hard work I put in, it was all gone. The only thing I could get was the cosmetics job until I was able to complete a training and now I am working two jobs to live. And you have the audacity to say I gave up?! Fuck you. You gave up on me.

Joel: I didn't know you had tried to find so much work. You never told me.

Michael: You never asked! You'd just come home with an attitude. I needed you. You were not there for me. Instead you were busy lying and having a double life online. I would have supported you with whatever decision you could have made. If you wanted to be a woman or be a man or be whatever, I would have been your friend and supported you. Why you would decide to marry me and put me through those lies... that's the real reason this marriage failed. All that other bullshit with my collecting and being jobless for six months, those are things a couple can work through. But you, you shattered the trust in this marriage and I told you years ago that there would only be so much I could take. And now after all the shit you put me through you decide that you want to be a dad? A fucking father? I deserved so much more. You are a horrible person.

Joel: I don't know what you want from me.

Michael: Nothing.

Michael: Actually an apology would be nice. Some sort of accountability but it doesn't matter. I don't want anything from you. Here is your key. I'm done.

Joel: Michael wait. Was there ever a good time we had together, or was I just always an asshole?

Michael: I don't even know. (fights back tears) How have we gotten here? There were good times. You know there were.

Michael: I loved that morning when we were in Florida last spring. You never just stayed in bed with me in our day to day lives. You'd always be up early on the weekends so you could explore your secret life, but that one morning in Florida...

Michael: We were so tired from the flight, but there we were, both wide eyed in bed at six in the morning. And we just talked. We laughed. I really felt like everything was going to be ok. It was one of the happiest moments. I really felt like we were something special.

Michael: Now look at us. Have a good life Joel.

Joel: You too.

Sometimes in the original moment we can't say what needs to be said. Instead we have to wait for just the right time. Now is that time.

Back home...

Michael: Hey mom.

Mom: Oh. Hi.

Michael: Are you ok?

Mom: (ignores the question) What is that?

Michael: Just a dollhouse.

Mom: You really think you need to be spending your money on toys right now? You are working two jobs.
Michael: I know. I don't really mind though. I work hard. I pay my bills. I don't have a drinking or drug habit that would drain me of my money.

Mom: You do have a habit though. Michael, there's too much stuff in this house.

Michael: Mom, I really can't have this conversation right now. I just left Joel's to return his key and it's just been a really stressful time right now. He told me some things that were just hard to hear.

Mom: (continues to press) When are you going to stop? I think you need to get a storage facility.

Michael: I'm not going to do that. I will figure this out.

Mom: Ever since you moved back here with all your stuff, I've been getting these bites on me at night. I think you brought bed bugs to this house. We have bed bugs.

Michael: What? We do not have bed bugs mom. Come on. (looks closely at her mom and sighs) Mom, that's adult acne.
Mom: What?!

Michael: Adult acne. I might not be a dermatologist, but I've worked with enough customers at the cosmetics counter to know adult acne when I see it.

Mom: Shit. How do I get rid of it? I'm too old to be a teenager.

Michael: I don't know mom.

Mom: Ok. Adult acne. Shit. Fine. Let's talk about all your stuff. I'm serious Michael, I am worried about you. I think there might be a mental issue here...

Michael: No. Don't say that. I am not crazy.
Mom: I don't know. You have a problem! Start admitting this!

Michael: (snaps) Stop! I'm not going there. Just leave it alone. I can't right now. I can't go toe to toe with you. I know you just see a mess. I know you look around and see all my stuff as a burden, but this is my life. All this crap is my life! Why can't you understand? I've lost everything. I had a husband. I had someone I trusted to build a life with, a home with. It's all gone. He never loved me! He never truly cared about my well being. I am alone. I work two jobs that do their best to tear me down but I still stand tall with a smile on my face. I can't sleep at night. There's a freakin lunatic cutting women up in the parking lot at Lacy's! I'm doing the best I can to put my life back together.

A black hole opens up and she breaks down.

Michael: (screams) I just can't take it anymore! I can't!

Mom: You're crazy. I can't take it either with these outbursts. You need to calm down. Act like a grown woman. I was taking care of two children and a household at your age.

Michael: (fights back tears) Please, can you just leave me alone.

Mom: Gladly. Michael, this is too much. Your father and I love you but this is just too much.

Michael: (nods head) Yeah. Ok. Like I said, I'll figure it out.

Michael: What's wrong with me? I'm losing my mind. This was never supposed to happen. I shouldn't be here.

Suddenly she hears a noise.

Michael: Hello? Is someone there?

Michael: Oh my. Someone is here. This window looks like it was open. Please don't let it be the stalker at work.

Michael: (hears footsteps behind her) Hello?

???: Hello M.

Michael: Bruce.

Michael: Wow. You look different. What are you doing here?

Batman: I'm always here for you when you
are at your lowest.

Michael: Like when I was on the cliff...

Batman: Exactly.

Michael: (tears up) I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I never meant to write you out of the story.
Batman: It's ok.

Michael: No it's not. I really screwed things up. I wrote you out. Our baby girl was destroyed. Our whole happiness was wiped away.
Batman: You can write something different.

Michael: How? You know the rules of a story. What's done has been done. I don't know what to do.

Batman: You can go back. It might be a whole new world, but it's your world. They need you. 
Michael: Can it just be us? Can we just stay here in my kitchen for an eternity? There's food in the fridge. I've got a cherry chip cake mix in the pantry. I'll make a lasagna.

Batman: No M. You have to go back alone. 

Michael: Why? Ya know the X-Men had it right. Working as a team is far better than ever being truly alone. 

Batman: Come on, you know you aren't truly alone.

Michael: I feel it. I'm scared. Bruce, what if this is it? 

Michael: What if I become the old woman who lived in an attic with her toys? I don't want to be alone. 

Michael: Can you hold me?

Batman: Always. 

Michael: Ya know, some would say you're being just a bit too soft right now.

Batman: Oh really? I'm still a bad ass vigilante. It's just different with you.

Michael: I know. 

Batman: Now come on. It's time to make a decision.

Michael: The decision. Going back to the toy world... how different will it be?
Batman: It will be very different. You are different. However I know and believe that you will make it right.

Michael: Ok. I'm ready. I think I can do this.

Batman: I know. I love you Miss M.
Michael: I love you too Bruce...

Michael: Wait! If I make it right again will that mean you'll be there, Yvie too?

He is gone.
Michael: He left too soon.

Michael: How do I go back?

Michael: I just want to live in this house. That's all I want.

Michael: Maybe they're right, maybe I am crazy. Maybe I need help.

She begins to shed tears silently. She is tired of crying but it can't be helped.

The decision has been made. She can feel herself feeling light and airy. Like a special kind of treat, the kind of treat that has a hollow inside.

On some level she knows she deserves all that is happening to her.

She could have done more. She could have sacrificed more. Instead she ran. She ran away from it all.

But where is the dorkette running to? That dear readers will be revealed next time with a brand new All My Toys!

Miss M will be back!
Can she make both of her worlds right again?
And what will happen to all her friends?

Thank you for taking the time to read and continuing to be a part of the soapy fun. Take care everyone!


  1. whoa nice and a little intense story there miss. m including willing sharing some more of your personal life espically the bit about your ex. not to mention the doll your using for your mother looks like its from the dynssty barbie line . and love seeing david again.

    1. Yes. This was intense and it was also very intense to write. I wasn't sure I wanted to share this, I was also worried it would all come off sounding like a whiny sad rag issue, but there's a point to all this. That was a rough moment for sure and I was certainly blamed for a lot of things, but I just felt it was important to say some things that I always wanted to say but never could.

      That is indeed a Dynasty doll. I just felt it would be a funny fit. I loved David being in here too! It's fun to write for my friends. I try to capture things how they would phrase or say them. It's fun.

    2. A Dynasty doll huh? That would explain why your mother looks like a glamour model. Then again, she'd have to be in order to produce someone as radiant as you!

    3. you have a gift for dialogue and it won't come off as a sad whinny rag for you are not that type of lady miss. m. and glad to know that the doll used for your mother is in deed from the dynasty line joan van arc it looks like. still props for willing to share what had to be a brutal and real personal time for you miss m.

    4. Oh my goodness you are very kind to say that Erik. That's just very sweet.

      and demoncat, thank you very much. You would know I would have some Dynasty dolls. lol One of the best shows ever! This was also from a very painful time in my life and what I can hope from this is that it can entertain and have people relate to it in some way.

  2. That was amazing to be honest with you. I totally felt your pain. The pictures with the words is such a bonus too. You have a gift my friend.

    1. Thank you Cal. This was incredibly difficult to write. I went back and forth so much on if I should write this. I had to though. I was also really thrilled with how the pictures turned out. I had been planning and plotting them out for weeks now. I hope you have been doing well!

  3. Wow. This is RAW right here! I'm feeling anxious just by reading this post, I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Getting a hug from Batman feels like its the only way to even begin to counter all this stress! If you ever need anything friend, don't hesitate to let us know, because we all love you so much!

    I do like the silvery top you're wearing, though thats mostly because I've always imagined that its so hot in Texas that the locals have to wear heat reflective clothing all the time.

    Again, you have a good ear for dialogue with these bits of conversation that involve changing the subject and then rapid changing back. It feels like something straight out of a Coen Brothers movie.

    1. Erik, I can't imagine this getting anymore raw. I was anxious writing it, posting it, reading it, all of it. Luckily these events happened awhile ago, a little over two years ago to be exact. There are moments where I might find myself getting emotional, but I am in a far better place now. Thank you for the kind comment.

      I also love that silvery top! I had been eyeing it at the Toysrus so I was thrilled to be able to finally get it. It does get hot in Texas so there are a lot of sleeveless, halter, tank top type tops worn a lot.

      Thank you for the dialogue comment. Sometimes I feel when I'm writing these things that I am just rambling too much but I try to make it entertaining. I hope all is well and thanks again for offering your support!

    2. Then again, maybe I'm just intrigued by this tank top because we just got another 5 inches of snow overnight here in Michigan. Doesn't look like I'll be seeing anything sleeveless for quite some time.

    3. I saw that! 5 inches of snow! I can't even imagine.

    4. Its something that even caught us locals by surprise. It seems the seasons are on a completely different cycle. Mild winters followed by a surly spring.

  4. Thank you. Just thanks. So much, M.

  5. Wow, your husband had ALL THOSE ISSUES WITH YOU!? Racking my brain, the ONLY bad thing about you that would make me not want to marry you for any reason would be that you don't drink coffee!!
    but that is the only negative I can think of!!
    And I would probably have coffee breath so much if we were married you'd end up drinking it anyway just cuz you'd be used to tasting it on my lips!
    -Well, I guess you don't drink booze either, but I can totally fill that quota for the both of us!
    The not having kids thing is no issue with me because I probably shouldn't have kids anyway, since I have a congenital heart problem that could be passed on to them. The toy collecting thing you do, I would count as a PLUS if I was marrying you! Hell, I would probably marry a butt-ugly girl if she had your toy collection JUST to be around the toys!! You happen to be a hottie AND have an amazing collection!
    TOTAL WIN all around!!
    I think it is awesome that you are using the toy blog to work out these feelings! It really makes us fans feel closer to you also, because you are willing to let us in on this kind of stuff!
    And is that a Bat-ffleck doll!? I certainly hope you go to see BVS soon cuz Wonder Woman may only be in it briefly, but she is just THE BEST when she is there! I did tear up when I saw her in costume on screen for the first time!
    Oh and BTW-the Moose Comics site is up! The first half of Rock N' Roll Porpoise Man issue one is up! -I changed some stuff from the original version that was on my old blog, like, I took out the naked breasts and some of the excessive swearing, but the new version is definitely better looking! Check it out when you get a chance at !

    1. Hey Nick! I will be totally checking out the new site! This is so exciting! I am very happy for you that you have it up and running.

      That is a Ben Affleck Batman doll. I had to get one. I also got a Wonder Woman doll as well. The Superman one looks really really odd.

      I am also glad you like reading about these personal issues. I have been told from time to time that people would like to know more about me on a personal level so I am trying to do that in ways that I can. You also have quite the list for why it would not be bad to marry me. lol I find that to be very funny. I hope you are doing well and I am going to check your new site out this weekend! I can't wait! (I'm going to reply to your comments and probably go to bed!)