All My Toys: 325

 A brand new All My Toys is here, and it's a family affair!

Here's Cheers Bar, picking up right after the events of Episode 324!

Miss M: Call the police. 

Steve: Excuse me?

Miss M: That's my mother. Cruella de Vil. Call the police.

Steve: Uhh, I don't like getting involved in family disputes.

Cruella: Bartender, be a dear and fetch me another drink. And the restroom, it's just filthy.

Steve: Lady, we're about to close. You still have drinks to finish. 

Cruella: (throws hands in the air) Oh whatever. Miss M. That's my daughter. 

Cruella: You've got some gray hairs that make the Miss title a little silly no? Perhaps a name change? Ms. Can't be a Mrs. (whispers to the bartender) She can't keep a man.

Miss M: As lovely as this is, I'm calling the police. 

Cruella: Oh it's only been a few drinks. I'm not getting behind the wheel of a car.

Miss M: You tried to kill me. What was it? Six years or so ago? 

Cruella: Oh that? You're still upset about that? You really need to let things go. So I'm not winning any Lifetime Achievement in Motherhood awards, but you turned out alright.

Miss M: You've lost your mind. And for the record, half of your head is gray. So don't nitpick my grays. Ok?

Cruella: Silly, silly girl. This is half white. On purpose. My hair is chic. I tried to teach you. You just wouldn't listen.

Miss M: What is this even about? Why did you call me? Couldn't get ahold of one of your rich fashion friends?

Cruella: They're gone. They're all gone. I've lost everything.

Miss M: (sarcastic) Couldn't have happened to a nicer woman.

Cruella: Oh look at you. So high and mighty with that big head! I'm still your mother! Show some respect.

Miss M: And I'll remind you again, you tried to kill me! You lost my respect!

Itchy: Hey, hey! You two are causin a commotion. Come on.

Miss M: Will someone please call the police? 

Itchy: You know that can't happen kid. How about we all leave together?

Cruella: Hey wait a minute. Isn't that one of your father's goons? Say, I heard what happened to your dad in the paper. (shrugs) He had it coming.

Miss M: You both are going to be the death of me. 

Itchy: Hey, play nice you two. We need to get outta here.

Cruella: Fine by me. It's why I called.

Miss M: I can't believe you thought you could just call me and I'd come pick you up. 

Cruella: You're still that bratty teen that drove me crazy in the nineties. I told you darling, I had no one else to call. 

Steve: Look, I like my Jerry Springer on the tv, not in real life. If you all don't take this squabble somewhere else I will call the police like the young lady asked.

Miss M: Do it! (throws hands in the air and twirls) What are you waiting for huh?

Itchy: Come on kid, nice I Know What You Did Last Summer impression, but we're leaving.

Miss M: (sighs) This is ridiculous!!

Moments later, Miss M's apartment.

Itchy: We're back Big Boy.

Miss M: Let me tell him.

Itchy: Fine by me.

Big Boy Caprice: Sorry baby, I had Itchy follow you. I was worried. Everything ok with your friends?

Miss M: Yeah, about that. Turns out my friends didn't need my help. 

Itchy: Hold on to your suspenders boss.

Big Boy Caprice: Wha-

Cruella: (bursts in) Ugh. I much preferred when you were living in a mansion.

Miss M: Well mother, this is where I live now.

Cruella: (eyes set on Big Boy with a glare) Ugh. What is your father doing here?

Itchy: Here we go.

Big Boy Caprice: (angry) What am I doing here? I need to ask you that question. Your culo needs to be in prison!

Cruella: Ha! That's rich coming from the Godfather himself. I have every right to be here.

Miss M: Umm, no.

Cruella: I have no where else to go!

Miss M: You all need to leave. Straight to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Jail!

Cruella: You don't mean that. We're your parents. Besides, what did he do aside from his normal mafia antics?

Itchy: Careful dame.

Cruella: (brushes Itchy off) Oh go scratch yourself. Well Big Boy? I saw the news. What did you do to be on the run?

Big Boy Caprice: Whatever I did pales in comparison to your crimes. You tried to kill our daughter!

Cruella: And you tried to kill our daughter's fiancé! No need to admit it, I already knew. I have my pulse on these streets. You should be ashamed of yourself. Bruce Wayne was a perfect man.

Big Boy Caprice: Oh marone! You only liked him because he was rich.

Cruella: (shrugs) I like nice things. What's so wrong with my daughter having nice things too?

Big Boy Caprice: Your a damn leech!

Cruella: Oh Al, you just couldn't keep up. 

Miss M: Milky Way help me.

Big Boy Caprice: Keep up? I have my pulse on the streets too Cruella. I heard about you. And your failed fashion house. Vecchia!

Cruella: Oh don't you call me an old woman! You smelly old louse of a man! I'm not a failure! I was at the top of my game in Milan. How was I to know these younger twits would stop wearing fur! I'm the laughing stock of the fashion world. I have nothing. (visibly shaken) Are you happy now Al?

Big Boy Caprice: Maybe a little. (pauses) Ah you know I'm not. You gave up a lot for your dreams.

Cruella: (sighs) I did. A lot a good it did me. I have no friends. I burned any chance I had at being a decent mother. It's why I'm here. I want to start over.

Miss M: What is happening right now?

Cruella: I want to start over with my daughter. Don't get my words twisted, I want nothing to do with you. (glares at Big Boy) You've been a nuisance since the day we met.

Miss M: (rolls eyes) Round two. Fight!

Big Boy Caprice: Nuisance? You want nothing to do with me? I want nothing to do with you! You got that? I loathe you woman! You're a snake! A skunk with that hair!

Miss M: Le sigh.

Cruella: Skunk hair?! I seem to recall you being rather dazzled by my hair when we first met!

Big Boy Caprice: I was young, dumb, and full of-

Miss M: (covers ears and sings loudly) La la la la, please stop this!

Cruella: Oh that's right. You didn't get any brain cells until you went to prison and learned a thing or two. Too bad nothing stuck. Still a two bit criminal. You can't even crime correctly!

Big Boy Caprice: And you can? 

Cruella: (marvels at her gloved fingers) I've evaded the police this long.

Big Boy Caprice: And yet here you are! Couldn't stay gone for too long because the only person who even gives a damn about you, you tried to kill!

Cruella: Oh let me guess, you must think you are her favorite! 

Big Boy Caprice: I am her favorite!

Miss M: (shouts) Stop it! My goodness you're both like two kids! Stop! What is even happening here?! Why are you both like this?

Big Boy Caprice: That damn woman makes my blood boil!

Miss M: Yeah, well I need you to reign it in. It's really late and all this hootin and hollerin is going to bring too much attention. I've already crossed the line having you here!

Cruella: That's right darling, he's a wanted man. You really should be protecting yourself. It's not safe for him to be here.

Miss M: Oh can it mother. It's not safe for you to be here either. You both have done terrible things to me. I don't even know why I am entertaining this. It's insanity. It's always been that way with the two of you.

Cruella: What do you want from me? We got married young. We're intense people.

Miss M: Yes, and I am the one that has to pay for that intensity.

Cruella: Oh believe me, I've paid too.

Miss M: Mother, why are you here? Why did you call me? I have nothing to my name, so round two of attempted murder is not going to work out well for you.

Cruella: Ugh. Are you going to always hang that over my head? I made a horrible mistake ok? I was not really myself at that time.

Miss M: Oh lordy. The mental anguish defense?

Cruella: No. I was desperate. And a drunk. My issues with drinking have taken a toll. So much so that I did one of the worst things a mother could do. 

Cruella: I'm truly sorry. I know I'll never receive your forgiveness. But tonight was my last hoorah. I'm giving up alcohol. I've lost my business. I'm giving up design. I truly have nothing. One minute I'm on a yacht with Donatella and the next I'm living on the street. (begins to sob) I'm so ashamed of myself.

Itchy: She knew a Ninja Turtle?

Cruella: (pauses between sobs) I. Would. Never. Be on a yacht. With a Ninja Turtle. 

Miss M: (eyes widen) I've never seen you cry.

Miss M: I didn't know you had it in you. 

Cruella: And why would you? I'm a terrible mother. You have every right to call the police on me. Lock me away. (pauses with a sigh) We've had our problems, but could you just let me stay here for just a little while. Allow me to make it up to you in some way? Before you turn me in.

Miss M: (shakes head) I don't know if it's being super tired or if I'm just sentimental, but, ok. You can stay. I'm already housing one criminal parent, why not the other? But if this is a ruse, so help me, you will regret this.

Cruella: I'm serious. You'll see.

Cruella: Thank you darling. Do you have any bubble bath? I could really use a nice soak.

Miss M: I have very modest accommodations mother.

Cruella: (sighs) Fine. I'll find a way to survive.

Big Boy Caprice: I think this is a bad idea baby. That woman is a monster.

Miss M: Dad, you have no room to talk.

Big Boy Caprice: Heh. Maybe you're right. (pauses, watching Cruella saunter off) Ya know, your mother is still a Dana 60. (shakes head as if out of a stupor) I'll be in the kitchen.

Miss M: What am I doing? What is my life right now?

Itchy: I don't know kid. But what made you say yes? To the both of them under one roof?

Miss M: Aside from my own penchant for punishment? I don't really know.

Itchy: I think you do.

Miss M: Itchy, I grew up in a crazy household with those two. Big highs and even bigger lows. But when things were good, it was pure magic. Family has always been the most important thing to me. I know they need to be locked up, but they're my parents. My own code tells me I can't turn my back on them, even though they have racked up a lifetime of therapy bills for me.

Itchy: I got ya. On the bright side, the two of them under the same roof is like gasoline and fire. They might kill each other and then you wouldn't have to worry about calling the police, eh?

Miss M: Itchy, let's not put that out into the universe ok?

Itchy: Yeah kid, you're right.

The next day. Police station.

Arcee: You're in early. I thought you were going out last night?

Dick Tracy: I did, but it was an early night.

Arcee: Oh. Care to talk about it?

Dick Tracy: No.

Arcee: As you wish. Still no updates on my end involving Charlotte. However, there may be a lead with this Betty Merriweather.

Dick Tracy: (ignores the conversation and goes into his own worries) The thing I don't understand is that M tells me she is fine. That we're good. But we hardly see each other as of late. I think she is holding onto a grudge that I was investigating her dad.

Arcee: Oh dear. Have you tried talking to her?

Dick Tracy: That's the thing, we don't even have the chance to talk because we've barely seen each other.

Arcee: You might want to make the time Tracy. 

Dick Tracy: Maybe. I don't know. I just have a funny feeling that something is not ok. Like she is keeping her feelings from me. Ah I don't know. Maybe I'm being paranoid.

Arcee: That could be a valid possibility. It still makes sense to just talk to her.

Dick Tracy: Perhaps. Anyway, we've got work to do Arcee. These cases aren't going to solve themselves. Any word on Big Boy's whereabouts?

Arcee: No Tracy. At this point I think it's safe to assume he's skipped town. Could be in another state or even out of the country by this point.

Across town, Miss M's apartment.

The sound of laughter startles Miss M awake.

Miss M: What the heck?

Miss M: That laughter is either the calm before a major shit storm, or there's legit funny happenings happening in my home.

Itchy: Good morning. You sleep well?

Miss M: As well as can be expected. (pauses) Do you hear that?

Itchy: I do believe there is laughter in the air. I should warn you, it is the Twilight Zone.

Miss M: Do I wanna know?

Itchy: Go look for yourself.

Big Boy and Cruella are cutting a rug in the kitchen, laughing as they become familiar with each other again. Diana Ross' The Boss is playing.

Cruella: Remember when we used to go dancing at that local disco in the old neighborhood? We'd dream of going to New York and getting into Studio 54. We were such crazy kids!

Big Boy Caprice: I know. We loved to dance. You can still move.

Cruella: Of course I can. I've only gotten better with age.

Big Boy Caprice: How did we get here? Back to this place?

Cruella: Oh Al, I have no idea but let's not ruin it. We've always been either madly in love or at each other's throats. Just dance with me while the cinnamon rolls bake. (laughs in pure happiness)

Miss M: (in shock) What in the Hades is this?

Cruella: Oh darling, we're dancing! Cinnamon rolls will be done in a few minutes. Are you hungry?

Miss M: You cooked?

Cruella: (laughs) Isn't she just a tart? No. That would be Itchy.

Big Boy Caprice: Did we ever tell you the story of when Diana Ross kissed your mother on the cheek? We were at her concert and she sang to us, kneeled down and kissed her on the cheek.

Cruella: It was fabulous!

Miss M: What is happening? You two were ready to kill each other last night, but now you're dancing and laughing... and there's going to be breakfast?! I don't understand.

Big Boy Caprice: Doesn't your mother look good? I love a woman in mink. Around me, if a woman don't wear mink, she don't wear nothin.

Miss M: Please keep your mink on mom.

Cruella: I do love a fur. Diamonds too. Oh cheer up my dear daughter, this is a happy occasion!

Miss M: I fail to understand. I'm looking at two fugitives in my kitchen without a care in the world.

Cruella: We are more than fugitives. We're your parents. And last night after Itchy and you went to bed, I was craving a late night snack. A sweet treat. Your father was in here eating some spinach dip, and we called a truce. Started thinking back to the old days. The good old days. Before our aspirations gathered us in a chokehold.

Big Boy Caprice: Yeah, and we lost sight of what was important. We've both done terrible things. Horrible things. But we wanna get it right this time. Our last chance. We can be happy together.

Miss M: Oh no. No. Nope. Not even the smell of those cinnamon rolls is going to cloud my vision. You all need to leave. (storms off)

Miss M: Come on! Here's the door! Y'all gotta go. I'm not dealing with this!

Big Boy Caprice: Baby, don't be like this.

Cruella: Come on M, don't you miss this?

Miss M: Miss this? Are you serious? You two were always galavanting off to places unknown when I was little. And when we were together as a family, it was a roll of the dice on it being a screaming match or something resembling some kind of normal. Then dad went to jail and mother, well, you went off and created a fashion empire. Grandmother was more my parent than either of you ever were, and you want me to believe you two have just buried the hatchet? And not in each other's backs? Well, I'm not buying it. And more importantly, one of you tried to kill me and the other has tried to kill not one, but two of the men in my life!

Cruella: Darling, I'm sorry. What more do you want from me? I was not myself then. In my defense you had died before. I thought your new body wasn't even real! I needed the life insurance policy. It's not right, but it just was what it was. I want to be a better mother. I wasn't always so bad.

Big Boy Caprice: Neither was I. Remember all those times I'd take you to get a Happy Meal on my runs to the border? There was a time where we were a family. Don't focus on the bad. There's some good there.

Miss M: You are both insane!

Cruella: Maybe. I know it hasn't been easy having villains for parents, but M, look at you. Your turned out just right. I can't even see your grays in this lighting. And your home is rather charming. 

Big Boy Caprice: Look, our time is limited, you understand? We can't be on the run forever.

Cruella: He's right. At some point we will have to pay for our crimes. But darling, can't you just enjoy this moment. Live in the now. Let's really try to be a family again. 

Big Boy Caprice: I know how important family is to you baby. You used to have those little dolls with you everywhere you went, they were always a family. Even when fighting dragons and that one toy with the skeleton face. They always came back together. What do ya say eh? Can you join us for a moment? Before it all crumbles?

Miss M: (finds herself wanting to cry) Are you two being serious?

Cruella: Of course we are. (raises hand like a pledge) Gucci honor darling.

Big Boy Caprice: Come on, let's maybe eat a little breakfast eh? 

Miss M: Ok.

Cruella: Oh darling! Come here!

Cruella: (hugs M tightly) We'll get it right this time, you'll see. I'm proud of you. 

Miss M: (in shock) Really?

Cruella: Of course. For putting up with us for parents, you deserve a medal. Or some diamonds.

Cruella: Oh, and your father told me about Chewie. I'm so sorry you lost him. Did you happen to keep his fur?

Big Boy Caprice: Marone!

Cruella: What? He had beautiful fur.

Miss M: (nods) He did. But I don't have his fur. So you can't turn him into a coat or handbag. 

Cruella: (waves hands in the air) I wasn't thinking about that. I saw this thing on FaceBook where people keep clippings of their fur baby's fur and bottle them up in decorative bottles. Like an urn or something. So you can always have a piece of him with you. I know how much you loved him.

Miss M: That's really sweet. And a good idea.

Big Boy Caprice: You'll see baby. We're gonna do right by you. No more issues from here on out, capisce? 

Miss M: We'll see about that dad.

Big Boy Caprice: We'll prove it to you.

Miss M: That sounds good, but I am reminding you both, Yvie will not be here for this. So do not even ask about seeing your granddaughter. This is already out of control.

Cruella: Absolutely. I can respect your boundary. Look at me Al, I can talk like a Millennial!

Big Boy Caprice: Thank you baby. 

Itchy: Breakfast is ready, come get it while it's hot.

Cruella: Oh how divine! And now that I'm no longer in the fashion world I can start enjoying carbs again!

Big Boy Caprice: You ok?

Miss M: (nods with a chuckle) Yeah. Just thinking. I knew you had a secret. I just thought you were gay and Itchy was your partner. Turns out my parents are just villains.

Big Boy Caprice: (laughs) You hear that Itch? My daughter thought we were futti. 

Itchy: Nah kid. Your old man had me around to look out for you in case something happened to him. 

Big Boy Caprice: Yeah, you need a man like Itch in your life. If you two dated, I wouldn't try to hill him.

Itchy: Thanks Big Boy.

Miss M: (rolls eyes) This is a lot process. I need a moment.

M watches her parents and Itchy walk off in laughter at the situation. She isn't used to seeing this. A sight she thought was more a remnant from your youth and is now very much alive again. Though she knows it's incredibly wrong, she feels warmth in her heart.

Miss M: Le sigh. What have I gotten myself into?

Up Next! 

All My Toys builds towards one spooky October!