April: Are you ready for your first interview for Diary of a Dorkette Mila?
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg! Of course I am. I'm ready to rock this interview like the concert I performed in for the re-election of Mayor Rutledge! Circa 1992 betch.
April: Did you just burp?
Mila: Ugh. No. I called you a betch. Betch.
April: (rubs her head) I'm regretting this hire already.
Mila: So like, who am I interviewing today?
April: Video game royalty.
Mila: Really? So if we are interviewing royalty, what's with the tacky diorama behind us?
April: It's a special backdrop that our guest requested.
Mila: Really? O.M.G.Dawg. I am, like, interviewing someone with no taste if they wanted this ugly thing in the background.
April: Watch what you say. This background scene was built by the late Miss M, a personal friend and the reason you even have this job. She made it in Junior High and it was displayed in the school library even! Our guest prefers this display every time we talk.
Mila: But it is just the ugliest thing ever...
April: (pauses) It has a certain sense of charm...
Mila: Like what the butt? It looks dirty. Is it made of old newspaper?
April: Well yes. That is part of the process of paper mâché.
Mila: Eww. That's basically, like, chewed paper. This Miss M girl sounds like she was a hoarder.
April: Look chick. My dead friend wasn't the most talented of people and she had a few issues and subscriptions, but she is dead. And this is the background that our guest wanted, so just do your damn job!
April rushes off to attend to other work securing the spot for the month's Bodacious Baddie. Mila is left to her own devices.
Mila: Oh I can't even deal with this. I could be on a yacht right now.
Soon it is time for the...
January 2014 Heroic Hottie!
Mila: Umm, excuse me, but this is a closed set. I'm gonna need you to flit around somewhere else. Kay?
Mario: But it's-a me! Mario!
Mila: Ok. Am I supposed to care?
Mario: I'm-a tha Italian plumber! Everybody knows who I am.
Mila: Gross. No one told me there was a toilet issue. Ugh. (whines) I wanna be on a yacht.
Mario: Too bad. You're supposed to interview-a me! Mario: the January 2014 Heroic Hottie!
Mila: (in shock) I'm interviewing you! I can't interview you! You wear overalls and work on toilets. How is that hot? (Editor's note: plumbers are totally hot, for reference, head over to the 2013 August Heroic Hottie for proof! You're welcome- April)
Mario: I'm-a the face of Nintendo! I wish-a Miss M were still alive.
Mila: Oh, the weird dork girl that was interested in paper mâché? Why does everyone keep talking about her?
Mario: (looks sad) She made this-a for me.
Mila: Was that blob of chewed paper supposed to be you?
Mario: (wipes tear from his eyes) Yes.
Mila: So you're the face of Nintendo. Would I know you from anything?
Mario: Of course! I've-a starred in numerous video games. I date-a the Princess Toadstool of-a the Mushroom Kingdom.
Mila: Why haven't I heard of you before? What was one of your video games?
Mario: Uhh let's-a see. I was in-a Super Mario Bros. Super Mario Galaxy. Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars...
Mila: Wow, you're like really into yourself.
Mario: I don't-a understand?
Mila: That's a lot of self named titles. Duh. So you said Mario Bros. Do you have a brother?
Mario: Yes. His-a name Luigi.
Mila: (eyes widen) Stop! You're related to Luigi? As in the Luigi? Of Luigi's Mansion fame?
Mario: (shakes his head) Oh Mama Mia.
Mila: (really excited) What's Luigi like? Is it true he can jump really high? Oh, he is just the cutest. Is he dating anyone?
Mario: I'm-a confused.
Mila: Well do you, like, need me to fill in some more brain cells for you? Is your taller, more sexier, brother seeing anyone? Cuz I'm like, down for whatev.
Mila: Oh never mind. I don't think you get it. So can you jump high?
Mario: I'm-a the all star. Everybody love-a me.
Mila: Well you are sort of hot, like in a second rate poor girl's Luigi kinda way. Like, I guess your red hat is fashionable. So, what are you hoping to accomplish in 2014?
Mario: I don't know. Maybe find-a way to make the Wii U more profitable.
Mila: O.M.G.Dawg. Now I've heard of that thing! You might want to cut your losses. That machine is like obsolete.
Mario: No. I can't-a believe that.
Mila: Believe it Luigi's brother. No one cares for the Wii U.
Mario: What would you do to save-a the Wii U?
Mila: Me? Well, I would like hold a charity for the Wii U. I'm, like, a star at charity events. And it seems like the Wii U is in need of some charity. I have a friend who owns a yacht. All we'd need to do is invite some rich people. And since I'm rich, I only spend time with rich people who will pay for a nice cause.
Mario: I was-a thinking of more video games for the system. To make it better.
Mila: Uh... yeah right. No one buys those devices to play video games. Get with it Luigi's brother. Everyone knows that already. Trust me, I can find a way to raise the score on the Wii U.
Mario: (unsure of what he is hearing, but soon realizes there isn't much else he can do) Ok!
Mila: Amazing. So, like, this interview is done. I'm going to get started on the Save the Wii U Charitable Gala event with silent and live auction because people really like fighting for stuff for a good cause. Bye Luigi's brother! Tell Luigi I said hi. Better yet, do you think he could make an appearance?
Mario: (sighs) Mama Mia.
Mila quickly walks off to plan her next event.
Mario sticks around and admires the crummy backdrop for his interview.
Mario: I miss-a you, Miss M.
He stands around to admire Miss M's crappy work for only a little longer. Only a little longer.
January 2014 Heroic Hottie!
But wait! There's more!
Find out what happens with the further ongoing adventures of Miss M in the After Life!
Miss M: Such a lovely day in the After Life! Or is it night? I can't really get the hang of time around here. Everything is so pretty though.
Miss M continues to admire the beauty of the After Life. She has been getting used to being dead and enjoying the perks of eternal living.
Miss M: I wonder who I will see today...
Miss M waves as she notices a familiar face.
Miss M: Charlene!
Charlene: Hey M! Girl, you look so pretty today!
Miss M: So do you!
Charlene: (waves her hand) Girl, we're dead. We look the same way every day.
They both laugh at Charlene's After Life humor. Soon another dinosaur approaches the gab-fest.
Miss M: T Rexanne! It's so nice to see you! You look darling!
T Rexanne: Hey ya'll! How are you Miss M, Charlene?
Charlene: Good honey bunch, just good. Lovely day out.
T Rexanne: I know! I just love the After Life. It does wonders for my skin.
Miss M: Yeah. What are you two up today?
T Rexanne: Not much. I'm plannin on bein a darlin' dino all day.
Charlene: I heard that. Come on Rexanne. Let's bask in our awesomeness. See ya Miss M!
Miss M watches them walk away.
Miss M: One day I'm really going to muster the strength to ask what really made them extinct. I'll call it, "Dishing the T, with T Rexanne!" Oh if April could see me now!
Walking around some more, Miss M pauses as she hears lots of giggling.
Miss M: Wow. Really? Just when I thought it was safe to like my body, now even Victoria's Secret models are in the After Life? Their look must have been some secret bombshell bondage line. They're so tall. And nothing jiggles at all. Wow. I wonder what they talk about.
Angela: Have any of you slayed any demons in awhile?
Cosmic Angela: No. It's been so boring around here.
Tiffany: There's a blue moon coming soon. We should find ourselves busy then.
Cosmic Angela: Oh goodie! I love it when the doors open. All that evil pouring in, trying to do something. How pathetic.
Angela: Indeed. Evil just never stands a chance. Do either of you miss eating cheeseburgers? I've been feeling an old human craving for one lately.
Tiffany: Me too. I could go for a big bacon double with everything on it...
Miss M: (eavesdropping) I'm so jealous. A big bacon double? I'd die for one too. If I wasn't dead already.
Miss Elizabeth and Angelala soon approach the dorkette.
Miss Elizabeth: Hi Miss M.
Miss M: Oh! Miss Elizabeth! (looks at the Zelf) Hi Angelala.
Angelala: (opens mouth as a heavenly tune pours out filling the space with music similar to that found in a Final Fantasy game.)
Miss M: Hey, who are those tall scantily clad women over there?
Miss Elizabeth: They are Angels.
Miss M: I knew it! Crap. Victoria's Secret models even in the After Life. I feel so... normal.
Miss Elizabeth: I don't know what that means. The Angels are a brave group of warrior women meant to protect the After Life from any would-be attempts at the hands of evil.
Miss M: They just keep sounding more and more awesome. Le sigh.
Miss Elizabeth: Don't worry. They look intimidating, but the Angels are actually very kind.
Miss M: Oh I know. They crave bacon double cheeseburgers. You can't be cruel and want to eat something like that.
Miss Elizabeth: (smiles) All right. Well Miss M, I have to do some more rounds. See you soon.
Miss M: (watches Miss Elizabeth walk away) I can't get over the fact that I get to talk to her all the time.
Lost in a daze at the new state of her life, M gets ready to walk away but bumps into someone in a panda suit.
Miss M: Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!
Panda suit guy: Hi. Sorry about that. Miss Elizabeth is cool huh?
Miss M: I know! I never thought I'd get the chance to ever meet her, but this has been a nice experience. Not the whole dead thing, that actually sucks...
Panda suit guy: I know. I used to watch Miss Elizabeth on TV back in the day. She is one class act.
Miss M: I watched her too on TV! I loved wrestling back then.
Panda suit guy: You used to watch wrestling?
Miss M: Well, yeah. I mean it was really the only way I could bond with my dad. He didn't really do tea parties and I could never get him to watch She-Ra.
Panda suit guy: Hold on a sec, you know who She-Ra is? What about He-Man?
Miss M: Umm, I not only know who they are, but I actually know them personally. I've interviewed them both numerous times and I've even hung out with She-Ra and her friends at the Crystal Castle.
Panda suit guy: No way! Who are you?
Miss M: I'm Miss M. Who the heck are you?
Panda suit guy: (removes his Panda head) I'm Ed. It's actually short for Edward, but after that whole Twilight craze I started going by Ed for short. I didn't make it much longer after that.
Miss M: Oh. So you've been here for awhile?
Ed: Yeah. Been in the After Life for a couple years now. It's not all that bad. I've actually gotten to meet all kinds of cool dead people. I saw James Dean napping the other day.
Miss M: Oh I know what you mean! I spoke to Bambi's mother earlier today. She looks amazing. You couldn't even really see the burns. I feel like I got to resolve a lot of my childhood issues after talking to her. That movie messed me up.
Ed: That's really cool.
Miss M: So, if you don't mind my asking, what happened to you?
Ed: Oh no problem at all. I wish I could say I died doing something wild and crazy, but the truth is I was just some guy in his thirties working at the mall in the food court. It was a Panda Express knock off restaurant and I was the dude in the panda suit passing out free samples of food. One day a pack of rabid tweens thought they saw Justin Bieber at the Steak-fil-a. They rushed for him. I was in their way and ended up trampled to death. It's really hard to breathe in a panda suit with a mob of tweens on your windpipe. Damn tweens. What's your story?
Miss M: Have you got a minute?
Ed: Sure. I've got a lot of time on my hands. Wanna sit down?
Miss M: Ok.
Miss M: So I was killed by the wrestler Velvet Sky in an explosion in a sewer.
Ed: Are you sure you're not a Diva?
Miss M: No, I told you, I was a toy journalist. Did you ever read Diary of a Dorkette when you were alive?
Ed: Can't say that I did.
Miss M: Well, it makes no difference. They have probably shut the blog down after my passing.
Ed: So, let me get this straight, you are a dorkette and you interviewed toys that you also collected? She-Ra and He-Man know you personally, and you may or may not have been a hoarder. You are my dream girl. Guys must have been pouring out of the woodwork to date you!
Miss M: No not really. Though I did have a bad ant problem pouring out of my woodwork once. Raspberry ants are a nuisance.
Ed: (shakes his head) I don't understand. You're like everything I could ever want in a girl. You write She-Ra fanfiction even! That is so cool.
Miss M: Eh. Where I came from guys weren't really jumping to date the girl that had her own toy store. I mean there were some guys. But I tended to date the worst guys possible. Guys that thought I'd stop collecting or guys that would lie about stuff. I mean, the only true love I ever ended up having was with a ninja turtle.
Ed: Wait. Hold the phone. When you say ninja turtle, do you mean a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Miss M: Yes.
Ed: Whoa. Who were you involved with?
Miss M: Michelangelo.
Ed: (highly impressed) Wow! That is awesome! I can't believe you were in a relationship with Michelangelo! I met him at a Con once. He's a really cool dude. I can't believe you were in a relationship with him.
Miss M: Yeah. I was really happy with him, but as I have been getting used to being in the After Life, I feel differently now. I miss him, but I know I will see him again one day. I think. Turtles can live a very long time, especially the ninja kind, and I don't see him or his brothers going anywhere. So I think I'm going to be alone for awhile.
Ed: I've been alone for awhile too. It's hard trying to find people you know up here.
Miss M: I know right!? I have been looking for my family members and not a single one of them are around.
Ed: Yeah. This place is pretty big. We can be friends though, if you'd like?
Miss M: Oh, I'd love to! It's nice to meet you Ed.
Ed: Oh, it's very nice to meet you Miss M. So did you play a lot of Nintendo as a kid?
Miss M: Umm, of course!
Ed: This is so awesome.
The two sit together and prepare to converse on the great Nintendo hits of yesteryear, for an eternity.