February 2015 Heroic Hottie!

Dear Diary,

I'm packing for Vegas. So follow along with the scoop. I joined a therapy group for the broken hearted, and in the group is the one and only Sour Grapes. She's an old broad that made a deal with this guy that once she turned 50 she'd meet him in Vegas and if all went well, they'd get married. So the crazy thing is that she has never met this guy! Like, never. They "met" in a cooking chat room and that's all she wrote. Of course, this is where the rest of the group comes in. We are all going to Vegas to support her. And I might be getting some. By 'some' I mean the good old bump and grind. Billy the blue Power Ranger and I have gotten to know each other and he is so much fun to be around. He also asked me to share a room with him. Now I'm just packing with my girl friends and making sure I am beyond prepared for this Vegas trip!

-Miss M

Miss M: So, have I brought enough stuff?
Irma: I'd say so, you're only going to Vegas for a few days.
April: This is true, but you can never be too prepared!

Miss M: I'm just glad you are here April, I've needed to talk to you.

April: Sure, what's up? Do you need a quick review on gambling?
Miss M: No. This is more about romance. I've been getting to know this guy, and we are sharing a room together in Vegas. And I'm thinking of sleeping with him.

April: Really? This is not like you.

Miss M: I know, but it's Vegas! And this guy is perfect. I feel like I need this experience to move on with my life.
Irma: Why not just take up a new hobby?
Miss M: Have you seen my toy collection? The last thing I need is a new hobby.
April: Who is this guy anyway?

Miss M: (smiles in dreamy bliss) His name is Billy. And he is also a blue Power Ranger!
April: Which season?
Miss M: Mighty Morphin. Why?

April: Oh honey. That man is gay.
Miss M: What? No. No. Why would you say that?
April: Because it's the truth. You do realize my job is in the news industry, right? That man is gay. He's not going to sleep with you.

Miss M: Umm, I think you have it wrong. Why would a guy who is attracted to men ask me to share a room with him? That makes no sense.
April: Ok. Let's break this down. Has he tried to kiss you?
Miss M: No. But he is dorky, like me. Dorky folk can be awkward.

Irma: This is true. Guy Friday and I took forever to actually kiss. In fact, it still takes awhile for us to kiss. Something about getting nervous with banging our teeth together. He has this phobia that he is going to lose his teeth. (whispers) I kinda think that way too.

April: Irma, Guy Friday and you have a fascinatingly strange relationship. Ok M, let's pretend like the whole dorky trait could mean something. Has he talked with you about being in a relationship?

Miss M: No. We've really just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. Which is fine! It's what grown adult relationships look like.
April: Sweetie, a grown relationship would have already progressed into something more by now.

Miss M: Well that is going to all change, because in just a short moment's time I will be in Vegas and Billy and I are going to totally morph into something adult rated!
April: Ok. I'm sure you will keep us posted.

Miss M: Totally. This is going to be the best trip ever.

A day later with just a quick layover flight in the middle of no where, Miss M and her group therapy friends arrive in the city of sin! Las Vegas!

The city is alive and larger than life with all kinds of people living it up in the other city that doesn't sleep; for when it does, it is usually with the fishes. Or a stranger. Or a bottle of tears and empty bank accounts. Or with acid reflux from a buffet. There are many wonderful things to see!

American Gladiators flex and strut on the strip.

While waiting for her role in a Marvel movie, Arachne takes in the sights.

All manner of curious creatures cruise around looking for trouble. And dino-riders.

Even a sweet Chipmunk gets down and wild in the Vegas air.

Mobsters mingle with glow in the dark spiders who like to knit tangled webs.

Celebrities abound! If you aren't careful you might miss your favorite!

Walk like an Egyptian down to the new fancy Sphinxor hotel!

All kinds of people are welcome in this city. If you are quiet for a moment you can hear the sounds of coins jingling and hearts breaking mixed with a funky disco beat!

Where is this woman's arms and legs!?

 
The fashionable elite arrive to shop the stores. 

Even brave pilots of Gundam require brief respite before their missions take them to parts far off.

Yep, it's a great destination this mysterious and sinfully fun Las Vegas. What ever will our dear heroes make of this place?

Miss M: Wow. This place looks magical. And oddly familiar. Almost as if I've seen these places before, yet they are all together in one spot.

Sour Grapes: It's so hot here. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Miss M: You think it's nerves?

Sour Grapes: Probably. I hope.

Miss M: Either way it is hot. I probably should not have worn a scarf.

Frankenberry: I heard the buffets are epic here.

Billy: My good man, everything is epic here.

Frankenberry: I'm ready to find a date.

Billy: (laughs) All right Frankenberry.

Frankenberry: My iCoffin is fully charged, so text me the plans as they unfold.
Miss M: Bye.

Billy: I'm gonna get everything checked in. You girls gonna be ok?
Miss M: Sure.

Billy: Cool. Good luck meeting this guy Sour Grapes. Let me know how it goes.
Sour Grapes: Yes. of course.

Billy walks off.

Miss M: Why does he have to be so cute? I really hope he isn't gay.

Miss M: So, what is the plan?

Sour Grapes: The plan is... I'm not sure what the plan is. I know he and I had talked about meeting at this dessert shop. I'll text him and see if he will show up.

Miss M: Sounds like a good enough plan.

Moments later...

Sour Grapes: I'm not sure I can do this.
Miss M: Of course you can. Sour Grapes, you've been waiting for this moment for awhile now.

Sour Grapes: I know, but what if he doesn't like me? What if he doesn't find me attractive?

Miss M: That won't happen, and you know it. You both have yet to meet, but you have shared pictures. He knows what you look like.

Sour Grapes: Yes, but pictures can be deceiving! I'm an old woman Miss M. No amount of proper lighting or the tilt of a head can last forever in the raw moments of the flesh. There is nothing to hide behind when our eyes meet.
Miss M: I think you are thinking too much on this. Look, if you guys meet and it seems disastrous, than you both go your separate ways. No harm no foul.

Sour Grapes: But I don't want that to happen. I want to finally have my chance at happiness.

Miss M: That's the thing about happiness Sour Grapes, it might not look the way you wanted it to, but it is always something attainable for everyone. Even the most sour of people.
Sour Grapes: My head is spinning.

Miss M: Look, it's getting close to the time. I'm going to go over there and watch from a distance. If it looks like it is going to bomb, I'll help you out. If you two look like star crossed lovers, then I'll go. Just let us know when the wedding is going to be! Haha! Good luck.

Sour Grapes: Thank you.

Sour Grapes: (waits for her meeting) Where is he? I fear he won't be showing up.

Sour Grapes: (looks around the room for him) Oh this is all so silly. I'm a grown woman. I don't have time for such silly games.

Mystery Man: Hello princess.

Sour Grapes: Oh my. It's you.

February 2015 Heroic Hottie!

Purple Pie Man: Were you expecting anyone else?

Sour Grapes: No. (sighs dreamily) Hi.

Purple Pie Man: Hi princess.
Sour Grapes: I'm a little too old to be considered a princess.

Purple Pie Man: Never too old to me. You look amazing. And you smell ravishing.

Sour Grapes: I was hoping you'd think I smell good. You're really here.

Purple Pie Man: Of course. I told you I'd meet you here when you tuned 50. Do you like my pet bird? His name is Berry Bird.

Berry Bird: Squawk! 

Sour Grapes: What is happening right now? I feel like this is a dream.

Purple Pie Man: This is most certainly real. I hope you don't mind Berry Bird.

Sour Grapes: I don't care, as long as you don't mind my affinity for pet snakes. Either way, just hug me. Hold onto me. I don't want this to end.

Purple Pie Man: It's not going to end. Our story has just begun.

Purple Pie Man: Now, do you want to get married?

Sour Grapes: Of course.

Purple Pie Man: Well come on princess, spread the word! We're gettin married!

Sour Grapes sends out a mass text message to all her friends. The wedding 50 years in the making is about to start...

Inside Billy and M's fancy hotel suite...

Miss M: Billy! Billy! Are you here?
Billy: Hey M, what's up?

Miss M: The wedding is on! The wedding is totally on.
Billy: No way! They met?
Miss M: Yes, and it was so sweet. Old crotchety villains from a bygone era that smell like fruit are soo cute! It was like love at first scent!

Billy: Awesome. So when is the wedding?
Miss M: They are getting things together now. We are supposed to meet at the chapel in an hour.
Billy: All right cool. Well let's get ready.

Miss M: I know! I'm so excited.
Billy: Me too doll.

Miss M: Oh, and Billy?

Billy: Yeah?

Miss M: There's something I need to do. (kisses Billy the blue Power Ranger with all her muster!)

Else where on the strip...

Frankenberry: Wow. Vegas is intense. So many interesting people. Surely I can find a date to this impromptu wedding...

Olive Oyl: Hey handsome, welcome to Vegas!

Frankenberry: Uh hi. You look really fancy. Would you like to be my date to this wedding I'm going to? There will be a buffet.

Olive Oyl: Sorry handsome, my boyfriend wouldn't like that. He eats his veggies and you look like you'd give me the sugars.

Frankenberry: (hangs his head) Oh. Ok. 

Frankenberry: Hi. Would you like to be my date to a wedding? Please.

Barbie: Ugh. What year are your clothes from? You are so not fashionable. And why is your head so big?

Frankenberry: I have a big brain. It's not as big as my heart though.

Barbie: Sorry. I just don't think so. Like, never. Ever. I'd rather eat at McDonald's.

Frankenberry: I'll take you there. (Barbies walks off) Wait! I'll order you whatever you want!

Frankenberry: Hi! Would you like...

Rhonda: Can't talk in a hurry!

Frankenberry: But it's just a quick question...

Rhonda: Enjoy Vegas!

Frankenberry: How am I supposed to enjoy Vegas? It's the city of love. Or so it said in that brochure with the bunnies and the ranch that didn't really look like a ranch at all come to think of it...

Frankenberry: Oh what am I going to do? The wedding is in a few hours and I must find someone to be my date.

Frankenberry looks around at the busy city streets and he wonders why he even decided to go to Las Vegas. He has never felt more alone. Until...

Jasmine: Umm, excuse me.

Frankenberry: Yes?

Jasmine: You look really familiar. I've seen you before.

Frankenberry: I've probably been in your mouth. (gasps) I mean, not me personally but my cereal. I'm heir to a monster cereal.

Jasmine: That's right! The sugary sweet crunchy strawberry cereal! Oh my goodness, I love that cereal!

Frankenberry: You do?

Jasmine: Of course. Who doesn't like monster cereals? I just wish they were in stores for the rest of the year and not just Halloween.

Frankenberry: I get that a lot.

Jasmine: What brings you to Vegas?

Frankenberry: The therapy group I lead was getting together here to support a friend. She was meeting this guy she has known online for decades, and they met in person a little while ago. He wasn't a psycho killer and now they are getting married. 

Jasmine: That sounds wild and carefree.

Frankenberry: It is. How much would it cost to buy you for the night? I don't know that I could afford the naked stuff, but what's the basic rate for being someone's date to a wedding?

Jasmine: (laughs) I'm sorry, but I'm not a prostitute. I'm a Disney princess. I know prostitution is legal here and all, but I'm just here on vacation. Actually, it's more like I've been trying to get away from my life.

Frankenberry: Oh please accept my apologies. I just noticed your style of attire and assumed. Please forgive me. I'll send a lifetime supply of monster cereal to you for my supreme error in...

Jasmine: It's ok. You must not follow up much on how women dress these days huh? Cropped tops have come back full circle. They'll probably be out by next week though.

Frankenberry: Right. Fashion makes me dizzy. Soo... would you like to be my date? For free? No strings attached?

Jasmine: Ya know, why not? I came here to experience something new and fun. I'd enjoy it very much to accompany you to your friend's wedding!

Frankenberry: Awesome! Everything is going to be awesome tonight...

15 hours later...

Miss M: Oh my goodness. My head. What happened last night? How did I get back to the hotel room?

Billy: Wow. What time is it? Why is everything pink? Was the room always pink?

Miss M: Oh. My. Gawd. We're in the same bed together!

Billy: Hey. Good morning. Or afternoon. What time is it?

Miss M: Billy! Why are you so calm! We are in the same bed! What happened last night?

Billy: I don't know. You kissed me. There was a wedding. I feel like there were wedding crashers? I don't remember making it back to the room.

Miss M: Me either! Oh no. I'm in my nightgown. Did we have the sex? What is happening?!

Frankenberry: I think I can help.

Miss M: (screams) What are you doing in here!

Billy: Did we all three sleep together?

Miss M: (shudders) Please no. Please tell me that did not happen. I can't go to Vegas. Ever again. Wait. Is that a..

Frankenberry: Ahh! TIGER!!! Wait. Easy tiger. Friendly tiger. 

Tiger: Cheetah rawr!

All three: AHHHH!

Miss M: Oh my goodness this is worse than that one movie that got progressively worse with the sequels. What are we going to do?!

Billy: I'm not sure, I just want to understand how you can sleep with that giant bow on your night gown.

Miss M: It's soft. And shiny. I love a shiny bow.

Frankenberry: Now is not the time to discuss your nightly attire. We have more pressing concerns!

Sara Pezzini: Nobody move. And who let this tiger even in the building?

Miss M: Oh my goodness, Frankenberry! Why did you let a hooker into our hotel room?! Now we are going to get robbed by a Vegas hussy!

Frankenberry: I mistake a woman for a prostitute once and now it's going to haunt me every time. I don't even know this woman.

Sara Pezzini: I'm not a prostitute. I'm a cop. Originally from New York but currently working the mean streets of Las Vegas. 

Billy: She's a cop?

Miss M: I guess everyone dresses like a lady of the night in this town.

Sara Pezzini: Enough! No one says another word. You're all under arrest for the disappearance and possible murder of Princess Jasmine.

Billy: What?

Miss M: Umm guys, what happened last night? Please tell me we did not kill a Disney princess! There's no coming back from that!

Frankenberry: Oh dear. Jasmine seemed like such a nice girl. 

Miss M: This place isn't fabulous like the sign told me it would be...

To be continued!

All will be revealed as well as the fate of Jasmine next time with the February 2015 Woman of Wonderosity! Don't miss it.