Diary of a Dorkette: May 2015 Woman of Wonderosity!

Dear Diary,

Some stuff is about to go down Diary! Shredder and a nasty assortment of villains have been trying to control the city by means of crime and mayhem. The Foot Clan have been murdering mutants and turning their remains into a drug called Plastic. (No one really knows this bit yet. Technically I'm not supposed to know this either, but I'm just trying to catch the readers all up.) This new drug is all the rage and is causing the city to melt into a panic. Oh, and Shredder has some of my dear friends prisoner. So something must be done before anyone else gets hurt.

-Miss M

Storm: Beast, you called me in? Any news on the test results from the sample of Plastic?
Beast: Yes Ororo. There is news and it is most troubling.

Storm: What is it?

Beast: It would appear that Plastic is people. More importantly, homo superior.

Storm: By the Goddess...

Beast: The missing mutants from the city, they've been murdered. Citizens of this city are taking a drug that is being harvested from the bodies of mutants.
Storm: We need to gather the X-Men.

Beast: Where will we go Storm? Who is our enemy?

Storm: We'll go to the night club. Surely there are answers there...

Meanwhile in the belly of the beast...

April: I need to pee. Why aren't there toilets in here?
Pinkie Pie: You learn to hold it and eventually the pain goes away. Just don't stand in the far back corner...

Mystique: Are we ever going to get out of here?

Magneto: I'm now no longer sure.

Mystique: Great. As long as I don't have to stand in that far back corner I'll be good.

Raphael: You ok Donnie?

Donatello: No. I can't believe that She-Dragon double crossed us.

Raphael: You really think so?

Donatello: It doesn't matter. How are we getting out of here?

Leonardo: I'm not sure. What is that smell back here?

April: There's got to be a way out!

Pinkie Pie: We could throw a party? And I'm pretty sure that smell back there is just old confetti.
April: I don't think throwing a party will be the way out of here.

Michelangelo: What if like, we die here dudes?

Pinkie Pie: I'm not a dude.

Mona Lisa: It's just how he talks. Mikey, we aren't going to die.

They all jump as Dr. Blight enters...

Dr. Blight: My dear prisoners, who would like to have some fun with me?

Pinkie Pie: I love fun!

Dr. Blight: I figured you would. Care to join me for something special?

Pinkie Pie: Will there be confetti?

April: Something tells me no.

Dr. Blight: There can be anything you want. Now come along, I've got something to show you.

Mona Lisa: Mikey, we have to do something! That poor pony is in danger.

Michelangelo: We're helpless here wifette.

Dr. Blight: Now listen my little pony, I have to give you a special shot.

Pinkie Pie: Like with a needle?

Dr. Blight: Yes. but a needle with confetti in it.

Pinkie Pie: Kay! Sounds fun.

Dr. Blight: (messages into Dr. Badvibes) Ready the Pony Growth Hormone. We are finally going to create one hell of a magical dose of Plastic...

Back at the X-Mansion...

Storm: Where is everyone!? I know there is a shortage of mutants, but we have to save the day!

WoW: Don't worry, I've got that covered.

Storm: By the goddess! What are you doing here? You're that hero from the news...

WoW: Yes. And I need your help. Shredder and the Foot Clan are responsible for the mutants disappearing.

Storm: They are also killing the mutants and turning them into the club drug called Plastic.

WoW: I kinda figured. I'm planning on stopping this insanity tonight. But I can't do it alone. I need your help.

WoW: I need the X-Men to cause a... distraction...

Back at that belly of the beast again...

Shredder: Did you really think you'd get away with this?

Shredder: Did you She-Dragon? How were you planning on getting away with being a filthy undercover pig?

She-Dragon: I will get away with it. Soon this place will be swarming with police once they realize I'm MIA.

Shredder: Once your pathetic pig friends find you, you'll be pulled pork, ripped and shredded into nothing but bad meat.

She-Dragon: What's your end game Shredder? What is this all about?

Shredder: This is what it's always been about, taking control of this city.

A soft knock breaks things apart...

Shredder: Who is it?

Jasmine: Uncle Shredder, are you busy?

Shredder: (whispers) Damn it. Hold on Jasmine. I'll be out there in just a second.

Shredder: Can I help you my dear niece?
Jasmine: Sure. I was just wanting to talk to you. Umm, what exactly is it you have me doing here?

Shredder: This is suddenly strange. Why are you asking? You know exactly what you do, you help with organizing supplies for my night club.

Jasmine: I know, but it's just that, I didn't realize that so many people feared you. A lot of people think you are a murderer and a... and a... drug lord.

Shredder: Haters are always going to hate Jasmine. But I just love, love, love.

Jasmine: Wasn't that from the Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Shredder: I don't know. Now run along. I'm in the middle of an important meeting.

A buzz goes off calling for Shredder to head to a meeting in another part of the lab.

Shredder: Blast it! Don't these people know I am busy?

Jasmine: Umm. I guess we can talk later?
Shredder: Yes. I'll try. Now run along. And don't go into that room through the yellow doors.

Jasmine: Ok.

Jasmine: I won't.

Shredder walks off as Jasmine stares at the door, feeling an itch to open it...

Outside the doors to the Arkham Asylum nightclub.

WoW: Thank you for the cover Storm. It made it real quick to take out the Foot Soldiers.
Storm: No problem. What are you going to do next?

WoW: I am going inside.

Storm: On your own?

WoW: I can handle this. Just make sure that you can rush in if things get crazy.

Storm: Of course. I sure hope you know what you are doing.

WoW: Always.

Inside the lair of crime and other bad things...

Dr. Blight: Feeling comfortable? I think the Pony Growth Hormone is working.

Pinkie Pie: I feel a little funny. Is my head ok?

Dr. Blight: Of course. Now just sit still. Once the Growth Hormone has fully plumped you up, we'll begin the party. Ok?

Pinkie Pie: Umm ok...

Bebop: Look at this Rocksteady. Our enemies are finally locked up.

Rocksteady: I know. I can't wait to start crackin some skulls.

Leonardo: Don't hold your breath. Seriously though, don't hold your breath. It really reeks back there.

Michelangelo: Yeah, we'll totally be getting out of here! For pizza and toilets!

Bebop: Good luck with that! Freakin losers. All of you.

Suddenly!

WoW: Now that's no way to talk to someone. Just really rude actually.

Bebop: Who the hell are you?

WoW: I'm the one that's going to set them free.

Rockstady: Come on Bebop. It's fresh meat.

WoW: You are correct on one thing: I'm totally fresh.

WoW: Smell ya later.

WoW: How am I doing with this funny crime fighting attitude? I'm trying to be a boss ass bee with an itch.

Raphael: Whoa. Check her out.

WoW: All right. Who wants to be set free?

April: Me!

WoW: There you go. Now who can save the rest of the mutants?

Maganeto: Mystique and I can do that.

WoW: Great. I've got to stop the main person behind this mess.

April: Who are you?

WoW: I can't share that information. It's confidential and stuff. Where is Shredder?

Leonardo: Don't worry about Shredder, we'll take care of him.

WoW: As long as he is stopped, I don't care.

Mona Lisa: Wait. Before we all split up, you must save the pony.

WoW: Pony?

Michelangelo: Yeah, there was some cheerful pony that was taken away by one of the evil doctors.
WoW: Cheerful... What does this pony look like?

Raphael: Pink and all about partying. What was her name again?

Donatello: Pinkie Pie.

WoW: Oh no. (whispers to herself) They're going to kill my guardian angel pony. I have to go.

April: What did she say? Guardian angel pony? What does that even mean?

Leonardo: Who cares, let's get this mess over with.

Elsewhere...

Dr. Blight: That's right. We're almost done.

Pinkie Pie: I really don't feel right.

Dr. Blight: And you won't my silly pony. I hate to say this, but you've fallen into my trap.

Pinkie Pie: What? I don't like traps.

Dr. Blight: Prepare to become the latest in designer drugs.

Pinkie Pie: Nooo!

WoW: Not going to happen!

Dr. Blight: Ugh. How dare you interfere!
WoW: Ya know what, you bad guys are all the same. Well I've got something for you, and this has been a long time coming!

The struggle between good and evil is very real!

Dr. Blight: Who are you?
WoW: I'm WoW.

Dr. Blight: That's the dumbest name ever. What does that even mean?

WoW: Google it.

Dr. Blight: How about I just kick your sorry ass instead?!

Dr. Blight: You've exposed my face!

WoW: It wouldn't be the first time. (Editor's note- see That's Amore Part 2!)

WoW: Now give it up!
Dr. Blight: I can't breathe!
WoW: Oh I'm sorry!

Dr. Blight: You idiot! What crime fighter seriously falls for that! I wasn't choking.

WoW: That's it!

WoW: Lights out for you. When you wake up you will be under arrest.

WoW: Oh wait! I need to save Pinkie Pie from becoming Plastic!

WoW: You're safe Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie: Oh thank you! I feel myself getting back to normal!

Pinkie Pie: Wow, you're the best Miss M.

WoW: Hey, hold on! How did you know?
Pinkie Pie: I'm your guardian angel pony, remember?
WoW: Well I couldn't let anything bad happen to you.

Pinkie Pie: Thanks M. I'm confused though. Why are you dressed as a super hero?
WoW: Because I am a super hero.
Pinkie Pie: But what happened to your head? It looks so small.

WoW: It's the costume. Now come on, we have to get out!

At the same time, Magneto and Mystique head to the mutant prison...

Magneto: Would you look at this?

Popeye: Help us out! We've been down here for ages.

Magneto: My fellow mutants, you shall be free!

Magneto: No one will ever be locked up again.

Mutants: Yay! Where's the restroom!

Mystique: Come on mutants, you're free! Run along. No one is going to hurt you anymore.

Penance: Oh Bessie, you are so malnourished.

Bessie: Please, kill me...

Magneto: (short circuits Bessie's brain with a magnetic wave) We can't save everyone.

Mystique: But we did what we could.

Dr. Badvibes: My subjects! What is this!? Where is everyone going?! You!

Magneto: Yes, me. It's time to pay.

Dr. Badvibes: You can't do anything to me! We're all made of plastic!

Magneto: Maybe so. However, those screws in your joints, those taste like metal.

Dr. Badvibes: What are you doing? Stop moving my arms!

Dr. Badvibes: What? Wait. No. No!

Magneto: No one gets away with experimenting on mutants.

Dr. Badvibes: Nooo!!!

Mystique: Good job Magneto. What happens next?

Magneto: Who knows. Something tells me though that the world will be ours for the taking.

And now we're in the home stretch!

Jasmine: I feel like such a fool. Did he hurt you?

She-Dragon: Only a little. Thankfully I've been tortured before, so this wasn't totally new.

Jasmine: Oh my goodness that sounds awful. All of this sounds awful. I can't believe my uncle is truly evil.

She-Dragon: It's ok. Just help me out of here.

Jasmine: Sure.

She-Dragon: We have to hurry before...

Shredder: What is this?

Jasmine: Uncle Shredder! How could you be so evil? I just don't understand...

Shredder: You don't need to understand. Now get out of my way and let me deal with this pig before you.

Jasmine: No. I'm not letting you hurt anyone!
Shredder: Not your call. I knew I'd regret having you here. I should have forced you into my sex trade business as soon as your whiny behind arrived in this country.

Jasmine: What has happened to you? My father was such a good friend to you. How can you be so evil?

Shredder: You have no idea the things I have done to become who I am. No one will stop me from ruling this city. No one...

Donatello: Excuse me, is this the way to the bathroom?

Shredder: Who invited...
Donatello: (punches Shredder quickly) Spoke too soon douche bag.

Donatello: You two ok?

Jasmine: Yes, thank you.

She-Dragon: Donatello! You're ok. I thought for sure you would have been killed by now.

Donatello: Nah. It takes a lot to kill a dorky ninja turtle. How are you? Are you fine?

She-Dragon: I will be. Listen, I was never working for him, please believe me...

Donatello: I do. I really do...

Shredder: Ugh.

Shredder: (sighs) Enough of this.

Shredder: You insignificant fools! Why does everyone look up to you pathetic Ninja Turtles? You are just in my way!

Shredder flings Donatello across the room!

Donatello: Ouch.

Donatello: That will leave a mark.

Shredder: Time for you all to perish at the hands of the Foot!

Jasmine: That makes no sense!

Suddenly!

WoW: This tale is old and stale. Just like your feet!

WoW: Evil is not winning today. Or like ever.

WoW: Come on everyone. It's going to be ok. The Foot Clan is finished.

There is a flurry of activity outside the night club...

April: Give me a camera! The news is happening right now people!

Leonardo: You ok Raphael?

Raphael: Yep. This was just a regular day for a turtle.

Michelangelo: Hey babe. We made it.

Mona Lisa: I know. I'm so happy Mikey. I love you. I just hope that pony made it out alive.

Michelangelo: I'm sure she did. Let's order some pizza.

Donatello: I'm really glad you are ok. I'm also sorry I doubted you before. I'm glad you are one of the good guys.
She-Dragon: Of course. I always fight the good fight.

Donatello: Yep. The streets should be safer. And umm... about us... you wanna come over for pizza?

She-Dragon: Sure. Like I said, I have a thing for dorky guys.

Jasmine: Holy crap. I have no idea where I'm going to live now...

Leonardo: Don't worry, we'll look after you.

April: This is April O'Neil with Channel 6 News and it has been pandemonium at the Arkham Asylum Nightclub as the Foot Clan has been taken down by the help of an assortment of heroes, most notably led by the new mysterious crime fighter simply known as WoW. No one has seen her, but authorities have already taken Shredder and his associates away. On top of that numerous mutants have been set free as they were being experimented on and turned into the popular club drug Plastic...

Pinkie Pie: You should go out there and claim your fame. You helped save the city.

WoW: No. I really didn't. I just got tired of what was happening. I did what I needed to do. And I will continue to help protect this city.

Pinkie Pie: Do you think you'll tell anyone who you are?

WoW: I doubt it. I don't think they'd believe me anyway.

WoW: Who would ever think that dorky old Miss M would also be a crime fighter? It's just weird Pinkie Pie. Ever since I died and came back into my original body... I've just felt different. Like I have the power to do anything.