Sunday, May 31, 2015

Miss M Presents: Toys and Troma! Part 1

Every now and then a movie studio comes along and touches you in all the wrong places, so wrong that it feels right. My very first Troma film (technically distributed by Troma) to ever fully watch and absorb was Blood Sucking Freaks; a campy gross out gory romp from the '70s that a friend and I watched when we were in high school in the '90s. That was my gateway into the mad colorful world of Troma films. In the last few months I've revisited some of the Troma films that I enjoyed watching throughout my life and it got me thinking... how could I tell a toy story that would celebrate my joy for the fun I have had with these movies as well as the beloved toy line from the Toxic Crusaders cartoon? Well dear reader, click the link and find out what I have in mind, but be warned, there is a lot of dorkiness going on...

The Present
April: Ya know M, it's so nice to just take some time and do nothing. We've been so busy lately that we have not gotten around to just hanging out.
Miss M: I know. I've really needed a break. It's not easy being made of plastic, especially when the dust settles in. My lungs just burn and that's when the nose bleeding starts...

April: Yeah. Ok. That doesn't happen to me. Anyways, we should look through old year books. I want to make fun of my hair, and by my hair, I just mean making fun of everyone else.

Miss M: Oh cool! We should totally do that. Although I am missing the yearbook from our junior year, that is kinda odd.

April: We don't have one. Remember?

Miss M: Oh my goodness yes! How could I forget junior year? I had those brown contacts to try and be the brown eyed girl for bad boy rocker Fritz! That's also the year we moved to Tromaville and enrolled in Tromaville High!
April: What a messy time.

Miss M: Totally. Wait, why did we move to Tromaville again?

April: We were trying to find answers about my dad's disappearance, but ended up finding far more than we bargained for...


Lady Life: All right guys, are you ready for the scripture readings for tonight's youth group?

Heaven: Totally! Let's discuss the evils of fornicating before, during, and after marriage!

Good Ernie: Do we have the Holy Water to mix with our Kool-Aid so we can drink the real blood of our savior?

Lady Life: Hmm. Oh snippets! We are out of the Holy Water.

Lady Angel: How ever will we join the body of our savior? I want to witness the joys of my savior's body! In a non psycho sexual way of course! Oh, here comes Sister Areala. Maybe we can ask her for guidance.

Sister Areala: Hello my dears. Is everything all right this evening?

Lady Angel: Sister Areala, we have a problem with our group tonight. We are out of Holy Water.

Sister Areala: Never fear my dears, I shall ask Father Frollo if we have anymore.

Lady Life: Oh thank you sister!

Inside the chambers of the eternal father, Father Frollo!

Father Frollo: Where did I leave my unmentionables at?

Sister Areala: Excuse me, Father Frollo? The teens for the youth group are out of Holy Water. Do we have anymore in stock?
Father Frollo: Sigh. No. I didn't get a chance to bulk buy when I was at Sams. Just get some water from the sink.

Sister Areala: Father, we can't use the tap water. There was a report on the news about a leak at the nuclear power plant. I don't believe the water from the tap is safe. You recall what happened to those teens at the high school all those years ago? They were dubbed the Nuke 'em High class!

Father Frollo: Ridiculous! Those wild teens were high on drugs, sex, and loud rock music. Just fill a pitcher up and give it to them already.

Sister Areala: But...

Father Frollo: No! No more buts! I've got money to swindle from the collection tray and I need those meddling teens to hurry with their youth group so they can go home!

Sister Areala: All right Father Frollo. I'll get the Holy Water from the tap. What's the worst that could possibly happen?

Moments later...

The groans of popular puritanical teens in severe pain and mutation echo throughout the church.

Lady Life: My insides are burning!!!

Heaven: Is this what the devil tastes like? Is it? (voice screeches in pure evil) I want more! MORE!

Good Ernie: Ugh. My stomach. I feel it leaking through my clothes.

Lady Angel: I've been touched. All over. Come, let us be reborn again! Reborn in a whole new image! Holy mother it burns!!!!

And then the bell rings...

Miss M Presents
Toys and Troma!
Part 1

Miss M: I can't believe we are at a new school. Do you think we'll make new friends? Is it weird that we transferred with just a few weeks of the school year left? Would it be wrong if we left to get donuts for breakfast and rolled in fashionably late?

April: My, you sure are full of questions. We can get donuts later. Remember, we had to move schools to get information on my father's whereabouts. Thankfully my cousin is letting us stay with him at my aunt and uncle's house. So we will have at least one friend in school.

Miss M: Is he cute?

April: That's the question you feel compelled to follow up with? I don't know. He's my cousin. I don't think of him like that.

Miss M: Well it really makes no difference. I just hope I can find a boyfriend in this new school. I've given up on Fritz back home. I put these brown contacts in with the hope that he'd finally pay attention to me and maybe write a love ballad dedicated to me, but alas he writes music for every other girl in school. Can you believe that? Like, don't I deserve a song written about me?

April: I think you need a bigger life goal. High school doesn't have to be about finding a boyfriend. Especially scummy musician boyfriends. I wish you'd learn this.
Miss M: I mean I've only fallen for three.

(they head inside)

Miss M: And you're one to talk. You're the girl that is dating a total dream boat hunk who wears a hockey mask.
April: Casey is not like other guys. Look, what do you even see yourself doing in ten years? Who do you want to be?

Miss M: I want to be me, Miss M! With a fabulous boyfriend and a fabulous life. And maybe I'll be a cashier at Contempo Casuals.
April: Even when you're 42?

Miss M: Eww grody. I'll never be 42. Once I turn 29 I plan on being that age forever. Face it April, it's 199? and it just won't get any better than this.
April: You have the weirdest logic.

Miss M: Eh. What can ya do?

April: Oh, here comes my cousin! Hi Wheeler!

Wheeler: Hey April!

Miss M: Holy goodness and gum drops, he is a hunk!

April: Calm down girly. Wheeler, this is my best friend Miss M.

Wheeler: Hey M.

Miss M: (notices her chin getting wet) I have a problem drooling. It's because I really wanted donuts for breakfast. And, I mean, you are cute. Please ignore that. I don't know what I am talking about. Haha. Thank you for letting us stay with you. Do you stay alone in your room?
Wheeler: Uhh, yeah, why are you asking?
April: Don't entertain her. Thanks for setting a room up for us.
Wheeler: It's no problem April. My mom and dad are happy to have you both with us, even if it is an unexpected surprise. Why are you at a new school anyway?
April: Yeah. About that... We just needed to be at a new school. These things happen.

Miss M: What do we need to know about this new school? Is it like 90210? I'm a brunette like Brenda, but I totally relate to Kelly.
Wheeler: Umm, that's cool. I think. Well what's your schedule?
Miss M: I think we have music class with Mr. Packer...

Wheeler: Oh no! That's not a good one. Skip that class at all costs unless you want to be eaten. Also, if you see a mysterious van parked outside by the school from time to time, avoid it at all costs. There are some scary blood sucking freaks in this town. They know how to use a drill.

Miss M: (crinkles her nose in confusion) What?

Wheeler: (gets sweaty) What?

Suddenly the intercom buzzes...

???: Good morning students. This is your principal Dr. Killemoff. A friendly reminder, locker checks are mandatory. This is a drug free school and Mayor Max Grody is pushing for Tromaville High to be an exemplary school. Our lone Radiation Ranger will be providing the searches. There is a ban on all computer use since most have crashed from infected viruses due to the high volume of pornographic searches. Also, be sure to eat up. Mayor Max Grody has provided free school lunches for the students of Tromaville High. It'd be terribly rude to let all that good food go to waste. Have a great day students...

Miss M: There's a porn problem at this school? They don't tackle that on 90210. Wait. You guys have computers? I have some floppy discs that have some amazing fan fiction on them that I need to edit.
Wheeler: Yeah. That sounds weird. I'm gonna need you to not be so weird. We do have some nice amenities though. By the way, don't eat the school lunch. It tastes like garbage and will make you glow.
Miss M: Oh that's fine, I brought a Lunchable. Wanna share it with me? (bats her eyelashes)
Wheeler: Maybe some other time?
Miss M: That's fine. More deli meat for me! That's what I always say. It's a great silver lining actually.

A sound rattles down the hall as the terrific trio turn to look at a motley crew of students walking towards them...

Cue mean-teens-walking-through-a-school music.

April: Wow, the girls sure are well developed at this school.

Miss M: I don't think they sell those outfits at Contempo. Who are they?

Wheeler: They are a part of a youth church group. They didn't always look like that though. They've recently... changed.

Lady Death: Eww. What is this? New girls. They look like fun. I bet their panties are made of itchy cotton.

Purgatori: Maybe they have the days of the week on them. I totally like to eat on Sundays.

Lady Demon: They look like the pathetic kinds of girls that would wear boner killing panties. (yells) Boner killers! Hahaha.

April: Hey, you don't know us so back off!

Evil Ernie: Wow, this one has a tongue on her.

Purgatori: I like tongues.

Wheeler: Hey guys, enough with the put upon innuendo. That's my cousin April.

Evil Ernie: And who is this ravishing girlie?
Miss M: Oh, I don't know that I'm ravishing. (sniffs the air) You smell like rot gut.
Evil Ernie: That's my musk and of course you are ravishing. Are you single? I think you are really hot.

Miss M: I'm single. But I don't know that you're my type...

Evil Ernie: Of course I am your type girlie. I even wrote a love song for you, it starts out, "I want you to be the bubble in my gut, so I can feel you slide out my butt."

Gurgle, gurgle.

Miss M: No thank you! I don't want to be your fart.

Evil Ernie: Ah hahaha! HaHa! That's a shame.

Lady Death: Total losers these two. We should do something about that.

Purgatori: Let's roll 'em up and smoke them like the best atomic reefer in town.

April: You guys are sick.

Lady Demon: Sick of you. Careful you little piss ants, we'll find a way to break you in nicely in these halls.

Lady Death: Yeah. We aren't done with you. Later chicks.

Evil Ernie: XOXO, girlie.

April: They are foul.

Miss M: How could they say we are boner killers? I'm not a boner killer. Am I?
Brandon: Some questions are better left unanswered M.

Miss M: Gee, thanks. Goodness, what kind of school is this anyway?

Wheeler: Well the accurate name is Tromaville High, but as the natives tend to say: welcome to Nuke 'Em High.

Elsewhere in the school...

Psycho: Hmm, the food is in the cafeteria for the day Killemoff.
Dr. Killemoff: Very well. That's Dr. Killemoff by the way! Don't you dare forget it!

Psycho: Of course. Ahem. Dr. Killemoff. We have a problem. A most unique problem.

Dr. Killemoff: Are we running out of radioactive poisoning for the school meals?

Psycho: No. That is fine. I am referring to one of my visions. From the future.

Dr. Killemoff: Oh. Those never come true. I am not concerned.

Psycho: You never listen! Your plans are going to fail! All due to the presence of a dork girl and her friend, and the one who is toxic...

Dr. Killemoff: The one who is toxic huh? Look around you Psycho, have you ever seen so much plastic? We're all toxic. Now make sure the students eat their food.

Psycho: Of course. (whispers to himself) I'll just look into these future visions myself and find out where these girls are...

In History Class...

Major Disaster: So you see class, I've been through war. I know what this world is capable of, and I'm telling you, you ain't seen nothin yet. I didn't drag my sorry carcass out of a radioactive swamp to just be some land wart. Heck no. Have you seen my feet? Look at my feet! I see what the world is telling me, and the world is pissed.

Miss M: Wow. His feet look like moldy pancakes. Yum. Pancakes sound so good right now. I really should have eaten some breakfast.

Major Disaster: What if the plants are trying to kill us? They can do that ya know. Ya got yer allergies. And yer clogged throats. Wake up people! It's Mother's Day and Mother Nature is pissed.

Miss M: He does have a point. Maybe I should start shopping at Earth Alert now...

 Lady Death: Just look at that pathetic scag over there.

Purgatori: Yeah, she looks like a turd stain.
Lady Death: We need to wipe her out. I hate dorks. And turd stains.

Major Disaster: Excuse me!

Major Disaster: Something interesting you'd like to share ladies?

Purgatori: Yeah. We were just saying that new girl looks like a turd stain.

The class laughs.

Major Disaster: That's enough class. Quiet down. No one is a turd stain in here.
Lady Death: (mouths something to Miss M) We're coming for you dork girl.

Miss M: O.M.G. I can't be a turd stain can I? Maybe I need to dye my hair. Or just die. Kelly never has to deal with this on 90210...

Meanwhile across the hall, April and Wheeler are in Science Class...

April: What is going on with this teacher...

Dr. Bender: Students, we must open our text books to page 33 and try to find a way to understand astro-molecular physics.

Fender: Aww come on doc. This, like, blows.

Dr. Bender: This being your third time to go over this lesson, maybe you will finally get it.
Fender: Man, I'm never going to graduate. Scat this.

Dr. Bender: Language Fender.

April: Wheeler, what is up with the teacher?

Wheeler: You get used to these mutated sights in Tromaville...

Dr. Bender: New girl! I can only assume that the topic you are discussing involves my conjoined appearance with this obnoxious surfer student, yes?

April: (lies) Oh, I was only asking for a pencil.

Dr. Bender: Since you are new I'll only say this once, I used to be a brilliantly mad scientist. My wife decided to leave me one day for the town sheep herder. Who was a woman. My wife left me for a woman. There. I said it. Everyone now knows that I could not fulfill my wife's needs and that she found solace in the arms of a sheep herding woman with arms that were much bigger and stronger than mine. She ended our love via a telegram from this boob you see stuck to me. I was already in a rather foul mood that day as my homemade atom-smasher machine was acting up in the living room. In a series of freak accidents, Fender and myself were fused together. I developed this nasty shade of green while he is essentially the same dumb ass he was before, only now we piss from one giant...
Fender: Dude! How am I ever going to score with hot chicks when you talk like such a boring nerd? Seriously dude! It's all good though, the school board says I am only a few credits from graduating high school early and I'll even have some credits to be a teacher too. Isn't that gnarly Bender? We can like totally teach together.

Dr. Bender: (rolls the one big eye) I'm beyond thrilled.

The bell rings and soon it is time for everyone's favorite subject, lunch...

Miss M: I'm very serious. I think those mean holy rollers are going to kill me.
April: Don't be ridiculous. M, come on. Why would they try to kill you? They are just bullies.
Wheeler: Actually, M might have a valid concern. Lady Death and her posse of you-know-what are the real deal.

Miss M: See! Wheeler has been going to this school for awhile! He knows things!

April: How come no one eats the school lunch?
Wheeler: Because it's the school lunch. People go crazy when they eat the cafeteria food here.

April: Interesting. Well, we have some time left before lunch is over with, so I'm going to sneak off and see what I can find out about my father. Someone here has to know what happened to him.

Miss M: Don't leave me here alone!

April: You're not alone, Wheeler is here. While you're at it M, grab some of the cafeteria food. I want to inspect it when I get back.

Miss M: I brought my own Lunchable though! Great. We're a regular pair of Nancy Drews.

April: Thanks M. You win best friend of all time.

Miss M: Yeah. I'll just be here with Wheeler alone with my problems you clearly do not care about! (smiles) Be careful April.

April walks off as Miss M heads to the cafeteria line.

Miss M: Oh wow, hottie surfer guy at five o'clock!

Miss M: Would you look at him? Gosh he has such a muscular arm, and I see such a big foot. He could be the one!

Miss M: Hey, what grade are you in?

Fender: Woah, you're like a kinda hot chick. Wanna make out under the bleachers? Or by the water? I surf.

Miss M: (looks on in a stupor) You have... Did you try to eat your twin when you were a zygote?

Fender: What? Oh no, this is my science teacher.
Dr. Bender: Just grab your lunch and sit down new girl!

Miss M: I have to go. I... I... I have a Lunchable.

Fender: Call me!

Dr. Bender: Stop with the incessant flirting. Just make sure we keep placing the toxic waste in the food.

Fender: Do you ever wonder why we keep poisoning the school?
Dr. Bender: Not my place to know or care. I want that extra money. You want a new surfboard right?

Fender: Ya, totally.
Dr. Bender: Well, help me feed these kid's brains with toxic goodness...

Miss M: What is happening in this town? What kind of world is this? I just want a boyfriend. One who doesn't want me to be a fart or hasn't eaten his twin and now the twin is trying to grow out of a shoulder. I mean, right?

Miss M: Are you even listening to me Wheeler? I'm having a crisis.

Wheeler: Sorry, I just noticed Lady Death coming in. I'm a bit nervous for you.

Purgatori: I see that dumb ass turd stain dork girl. She is so boring and basic.

Evil Ernie: What are we going to do ladies?

Lady Demon: I say we sacrifice her. No one that looks so basic should be allowed to live unless it's to help summon evil in death.

Miss M: I'm just going to ignore them. I have more pressing concerns. I really want a boyfriend. It's becoming borderline obsessive. I wanted Fritz to like me, but he plays in a band, so he already has like eight girlfriends.
Wheeler: Maybe you should find a really nice hobby?

Evil Ernie: Taking drugs could be a really nice hobby. Haha.
Lady Demon: I have a motto. While on drugs, when I open my legs... I open my heart.

Miss M: Oh no. Not you guys again.

Evil Ernie: Heard you want a boyfriend. I'll be your huckleberry boyfriend. Do you like kinky things? I've been thinking of you and me doing nasty stuff all day.

Miss M: I'm trying to give up bad boys, I swear.

Evil Ernie: You've wounded my pride twerp!

Miss M: Look, like, I'm not wanting to get involved with any sort of trouble. I am really sweet. I collect toys and write fan fiction.

Lady Death: Fan fiction? Ha! How scatty and lame! Someone steal this bitch's Lunchable already.

Evil Ernie: I know that's right. Now come here and let me show you how to clean a turd stain off your teeth...

Miss M: Eww! Stop! Oh goodness, please don't steal my Lunchable. 
???: (from above) Leave the miss alone!

Lady Death: Hiss!

Purgatori: Watch out, he's here!

Miss M: Who?


Evil Ernie: You!!

Toxie: Why don't you bully someone who can bully back?

Miss M: I actually can handle myself... I think.

Toxie: Lady Death, your posse of you-know-what needs to leave the cafeteria at once.

Lady Death: Or what?

Toxie: Hmm, let's see... Mop? Are you ready?

Mop: I was made ready!

 Toxie and Mop go in for a messy fight!

 The dirty toilet soaked Mop assaults Lady Demon's mouth, trying to make it clean.

She can't scream, or she'll risk a mouthful of restroom sludge.

Collapsing to the ground, Toxie pokes her to make sure Lady Demon stays down!

Purgatori puts up the next fight!

Toxie refuses to back down.

Hurling vicious insults, Purgatori feels confident in her ways of torture.

Soon she gets a kick to the cooter.
Purgatori: That's my Pandora's Box! You'll pay for that!

Toxie: Nah. Taste some Mop!
Purgatori: Ah! No!

Miss M: He's incredible...

Toxie checks on M briefly, to make sure the lovely dork girl is safe.

In that moment Toxie realizes he'd do anything for her. This is a love written in the stars, that can only be seen in Tromaville when the smog is cleared once in a blue moon.

Mop infects the bubbles in Ernie's gut as Toxie stares on, bewitched and bewildered.

 This is all topped off with more taste of the Mop.

The smell is rancid.
Evil Ernie: Gurgle. Gurgle.

Next up, a quick gut punch...
Lady Death: How dare you! I won't let filth touch me!

They all fall down... Only to get back up!

Evil Ernie: Come on, I've got her Lunchable! Let's blow this joint!
Lady Demon: Gah! My mouth tastes like toilet water.

Lady Demon: This isn't over!

Lady Death: That's right! You think you can stop us?! We're practically eternal and we will get you yet turd stain!

Miss M: Holy moly. Who are you?
Toxie: I am Toxie, pleased to meet you.

Miss M: I'm Miss M. I really could have handled that.

Toxie: On one hand I sort of believe you, but on the other... well... you have shiny silver boots on. You don't strike me as a decent fighter in those. No offense.
Miss M: I can handle a fight! I once was at a Toysrus and I fought off three bloodthirsty toy collectors for a new line of Power Ranger toys. True story.
Toxie: What did those clowns want with you?
Miss M: I don't know. They've been on my behind since I got here. Who are you exactly?

Wheeler: M, you don't know who this is?
Miss M: Umm, I just transferred here ok?

Toxie: I was like you once Miss M. I was a dork. A loser. Though my looks were not as lovely. Lots of cystic acne. We're talking puss and gunk oozing out of my face. I too had to deal with a bully who humiliated me in front of my peers. I was then dropped in a vat of toxic waste and soon the bumbling dork changed into the muscular monster you see before you. I now work as a janitor at the high school during the day while I finish my senior year with classes at night so as not to interact with others. It's hard to show my face around people. I had to step in though when I saw you were in trouble.
Miss M: I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and honestly you shouldn't be worried about your face. I don't know if it's the vapors or the radioactive waste from the water fountain, but I think you are a total dream boat hunk!
Toxie: What? Me?

Wheeler: Oh brother, you really are boy crazy.

Miss M: No seriously, I don't know what it is, but I feel like we're destined to be star crossed lovers. Like all I want to do is graduate and move to Connecticut and live in the suburbs where we have little mutant babies. This is a really big revelation for me because before now my biggest life goal was to work at Contempo Casuals forever.

Toxie: I don't know what to say. You aren't really my type. I tend to go for busty blondes. But... I do feel a strange yearning in my heart for you. Almost as if I'd do anything to protect you at all costs. Usually I just want to beat people to a bloody pulp. There is a kindness in you though.
Miss M: Thank you...


Psycho: Students of Tromaville High! No one leaves this cafeteria until two students report to me. I'm looking for...

Psycho scans the room.

Toxie: I wonder what he wants...
Miss M: Who is he?

Toxie: That's Psycho. He is big trouble who has never heard of a face wipe.

Psycho: Ah! There she is! Radiation Ranger! After the new girl!

Miss M: Oh crapola from Shinola, he means me!

Radiation Ranger: Student! Halt!

Toxie: Come on, I'll get you out of here.
Miss M: What about Wheeler?

Wheeler: Don't worry about me, I'll go find April!

Radiation Ranger: Halt student! You are under detention.

In a flash they run away.

Psycho: Blast it! How can I get anything done with just one Radiation Ranger? Friggin school budget cuts.

Moments later...

Miss M: What just happened? What did that heavy set man want with me?

Toxie: I am not too clear on that. Why did you come to this school?

Miss M: To help my friend April find clues about her missing father. He was like some kind of genius with science and behavior or something.

Toxie: Psycho must have seen a vision from the future. Come on, we can regroup here. This is my home.

Toxie: This way.

Miss M: You live under a bridge?

Toxie: Yes.

Miss M: Wow. I hope I never have to live under a bridge.

Toxie: Come on, it's unlike any other bridge.

 They walk into Toxie's humble abode...

Miss M: Holy crapola, you live in a palace!

Toxie: Life is what you make of it my dear dorkette.

Miss M: You even have a pet dog!

Junkyard: Who you callin a pet toots? I'm no pet.

Miss M: A talking dog? Have I taken LSD and not realized it?

Junkyard: Where'd you get this chick Toxie? She makes my fur feel funny. It could also be the fleas. Probably the fleas.

Toxie: This is Miss M. We go to the same school. She is in danger. M, this is Junkyard. He's my faithful friend and ally.

Junkyard: Ya, I used to be a homeless man until I snuck into a dog's kennel and merged with the mut thanks to an electric storm and some radioactive waste that dripped on us from the roof.

Junkyard: I'm good at three things: sniffin, lickin, and drinkin hooch. I'm all outta hooch. Care for a sniff?

Junkyard: Woof!

Miss M: Oh. Down boy!

Junkyard: (howls)

Toxie: Calm down Junkyard. This one's special.

Junkyard: Meh. Bo-ring.

Junkyard: If ya need me I'll be at the bowl drowning my sorrows.

Miss M: He seems pleasant.
Toxie: Pay no attention to him. Would you like to sit?

Miss M: I can't.
Toxie: Why? Does this place gross you out?

Miss M: No, I physically can't sit. Have you seen my articulation?

Toxie: Yes. I could study it all day.

Miss M: Tee hee. Oh Toxie, you make a girl feel so special.


Dr. Killemoff: The waste was disposed of in the school lunches?

Dr. Bender: Yes Dr. Killemoff.

Dr. Killemoff: Wonderful. That is all.

Dr. Bender: Dr. Killemoff, if I may, why are we adding high fructose waste goop to the school lunches?

Dr. Killemoff: None of your concern Dr. Bender. Now take your dumber half with you and be on your way.

Fender: No way bro, I'm not dumb.

Dr. Bender: Quiet Fender. Let's just leave.
Fender: Dude, you realize that principal dude is a douchebag right?

Dr. Bender: Yes. I do. Have you any plans on what we could do about that?
Fender: I was hoping you'd have an answer teacher dude.

Dr. Killemoff: Those two are fools. Now, where is my Psycho?

In other parts of the school...

Psycho: No one believes me when I say I have visions. But my visions are very real. They have told me that you and the two girls will usher in a new change. Now tell me, where are they? Where did they come from? What do they want?

Wheeler: I told you, I don't know. It's just my cousin and her weird friend.

Psycho: Why are they here?

Wheeler: I have told you, my cousin transferred here for a new change and she brought her friend along. They are harmless. My cousin is spunky and her friend is socially awkward. I don't know how else to say it.

Psycho: Unacceptable. I don't like these games. You must be taught a lesson. Dr. Killemoff is a little low on help. We should change that. Radiation Ranger, hand me my blade.

Radiation Ranger: As you wish Psycho.

Wheeler: What are you going to do to me?

Psycho: I'm going to make you look so much better. This will only hurt. For an eternity...

Wheeler: What?! No!! Help!!! Help!!! Someone please help me!!!!

Psycho: HahahaHAHAHAhaHaAhAhAHA!

The blade spins and cuts through flesh, hitting down to the bone. Blood flies as it begins to spill everywhere.

Wheeler goes into shock as the spinning blade travels around the lines of his face.

He begins to feel the skin slide off as blood spews out across the cafeteria table, staining deep into the wood grain.

The procedure nearly complete, Wheeler recoils as he relates the pain to being like that of butter melting in the sun. Everything is sliding off exposing nothing but the bone underneath.

Back to Toxie...

Miss M: I really need to find my friend.
Toxie: I know, and we will, but we first must come up with a plan. You don't understand Miss M, there is something foul occurring in this city.

Miss M: Like what?

Toxie: Six months ago the previous regime at the school was mysteriously let go. The principal and assistant were taken out of the school. The Mayor soon appointed a new staff, head off by Dr. Killemoff who none of us have seen. We've only heard his voice through the announcements. Strange things have begun to happen now and I must help to save the school and the city.

Miss M: Maybe the grody Mayor is also behind my friend's missing father?
Toxie: It is possible. We must do something, which is why I have formulated a team. A rag tag team!

Miss M: That sounds good. Where is this team?

Toxie: Thought you'd never ask! Come on in guys!

Toxie: Up first is No-Zone, a test pilot with the deadliest sneeze!

Miss M: Oh wow. He has a really big nose.

No-Zone: I keep asking daddy for a nose job, but he says I have to wait for my Sweet 16. Har har!

Toxie: Next we have a major threat: Major Disaster!

Major Disaster: I talk to bush. And it talks back. There's a war coming!

Miss M: Hey, you're my history teacher!

Major Disaster: That's right little lady. We're in a war though, so for now we are soldiers, together in this shit show!

Toxie: Of course you recall Junkyard.

Junkyard: Ta-da!

Junkyard: Yep. Wanna be partners in grime?

Miss M: Umm, I'm not a very dirty girl.

Toxie: We also have Mop. Say hello Mop.

Mop: Sup.

Toxie: He really kicks ass. So that's it, we are the Toxic...

Dr. Bender: Wait! Hold the phone!

Toxie: What are you doing here?
Fender: Bro, this is like a palace.
Toxie: I'll ask again, what are you doing here?

Dr. Bender: Fender told me you guys could help us. We've been doing something wrong. We were paid to put toxic waste in the school lunches...
Fender: We don't know why, but it just doesn't feel right. Chicks don't want to date shady guys. Right chick?

Miss M: Umm yeah I guess so. I mean I like dating good guys now. Though I have liked bad boys before. And sometimes there's a guy that comes around who is a mix of both. It gets confusing...

Toxie: How do I know you can be trusted Dr. Bender?

Dr. Bender: Because. There is something strange about Killemoff.
Fender: Dude, that's Dr. Killemoff!

Dr. Bender: (rolls the big eye) Either way, the school has not been the same. I want to help find out what his true motives are.
Fender: And I just want to date some hot chicks.

Toxie: Very well, you can join us. But we need a new conjoined name because I don't have time to call out both.

Fender: Oh I know! Call us Headbanger! Cuz we rock!
Dr. Bender: You rock. I try to be more zen. I prefer another name...

Toxie: Headbanger it is!

Dr. Bender: Le sigh.

Toxie: All right, what say you Miss M? Are you up for joining us?

Miss M: I don't know. I am not sure I am capable of doing much with this limited articulation...
Toxie: I've told you, I will always be looking out for you. And you are capable of a great deal, don't sell yourself short. Come on, say you'll join us. Say you'll be a Toxic Crusader! Well?

Miss M: Yes! I'll be a Toxic Crusader! Now let's go and save Nuke 'Em High!


Dr. Killemoff: Where have you been Psycho?

Psycho: I was busy. Are you ready to finally listen to me? My visions, they are starting to come true.

Dr. Killemoff: Your visions won't be coming true because our plans are finally falling into place. The toxic waste that has been poured into the student's diet has been working perfectly. We will have our new world. It will be our moment at long last!

Suddenly, a noise!

Dr. Killemoff: Who goes there!?

Radiation Ranger: I found this girl sneaking around the school grounds.

Psycho: The girl!

April: Let me go!

Dr. Killemoff: Let her go Radiation Ranger. She won't be going far.

April: Where is my father?!

Dr. Killemoff: Your father?

April: Kirby O'Neil. He is a scientist of psychology. His study of human behavior takes him to various places, places that see an increase in odd and macabre behavior. I have reason to believe he is here, in Tromaville, and that something bad has happened to him.

Dr. Killemoff: Look at you, with all your concern. Sorry princess, but your father is in another castle. I've never heard of this Kirby O'Neil.

April: This is not true! You lie! You all lie! Something evil is going on here.

Dr. Killemoff: What do you know of evil?

April: I know that you are poisoning the students in this school with food from the cafeteria. I also know that there is no record of you ever existing in this world. You are not really a principal. Killemoff you are a fake!

Dr. Killemoff: (enraged) That's Dr. Killemoff and no one calls me a fake!

April: (recoils at his four arms) What are you?

Dr. Killemoff: You won't live to tell anyone what I am.

April: No!

Psycho: Don't let her get away!

April: I must escape this madness!

She can hear the sounds of evil chasing her...

April: How will I get out of this?

???: Don't worry, I can help you cousin.

April: (sighs) Oh Wheeler! Am I glad to see you.

April turns and screams...

A metal guitar solo blares across the loudspeaker.

April: What happened to you?! Your face! Oh Wheeler, your face!

???: I'm no longer Wheeler. You can call me... Bonehead!

April: What did they do to you?

Bonehead: They've liberated me. I've been through some Tromatic things and now I can see very clearly. Come on April, join me. Join me with assisting Dr. Killemoff in taking over Tromaville and then the world.

April: No. Never.

Bonehead: Wrong answer.

Dr. Killemoff: If she isn't with us, than she's against us. Take her away, and for crying out loud, get her something to eat. From the cafeteria.

April: No! No! NOOOO!

To be continued!

All your questions and fears will be put to rest and then mutated in Part 2 of Toys and Troma!

For more information on how you can save Nuke 'Em High, please go and support the Return to Nuke 'Em High Kickstarter page and donate to help finish and release the grodiest movie in the 40 years of Troma ever!


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks John!! I just finished writing the second part so I hope it will be just as great. Hope you are doing well!

  2. Miss M, you are messed up girl. And I mean that in the best way possible. I love that Toxie isn't too noble that he can't toss a cooter-kick into the fray. Can't wait to see what happens next!

    1. Well this being for the love of Troma, it needed to be a little messed up. lol I think the word cooter just sounds funny so it needed to be used. i hope the second part will be just as good.

  3. OK-first thought, you have watched BLOOD SUCKING FREAKS!!!? That movie was banned by like every feminist in the world, was protested by women's groups and ...I personally loved it! Haha! So did Joe Bob Briggs, another fine Texan. ( Though, he is not as cute as you) But I have a staunch, strong-stomached friend, who was so bothered by that movie, when we watched it in high school, that he had to look away from the screen!
    Troma didn't really make that movie though, they just distributed it and released it on video. (I think it was originally called "the Incredible Torture show" when in grindhouse theaters, but don't quote me on that, I could be wrong.)
    Still, one of my big first memories of seeing gore is the Toxic Avenger! As crazy as it is that they made Aliens and Rambo toys, Toxic Crusaders was even more sick! Cuz it was based on Troma! Those movies destroy any R rated competition, as the vilest films that anyone ever made an action figure out of!! After we watched Avengers 2 the other day a friend of mine and I were talking movie experiences, he is STILL bothered by the kids head getting smooshed by the car in the first Toxie movie!
    But as me and some similarly afflicted friends have always said, "You HATE the bad guys, but you LOOOVE TOXIE!!! That is why we love to see him smash those baddies! It's a great excuse for gore! Cuz we all want to see gore, but if it's gore from a bad guy getting killed, we don't feel so bad about enjoying it!
    Glad you didn't use No-zone's action feature! I can handle blood, guts etc. but snot grosses me out!! Actually, he was the only one of the Crusaders toys I did not own. My Junkyard's tongue was actually bitten off by it's own mouth! (not intentionally, it just wore down on it)
    And even though I don't want Miss M (that new toy of Miss M is really cute BTW!) get snotted on by No-Zone I still, would love to see her get slimed in the slime pit!! ( Kickstarter: Buy M a Slime Pit! We need to make it happen!)

    1. I did indeed see Blood Sucking Freaks, and while I will use the F word to describe myself, I'm not uptight about some of the things I watch. The movie is twisted and strange but there is an odd charm to it. Look, I do not condone women being tortured and I love me a strong willed female character anyday, but I have a lot of memories from watching that movie.

      It is really crazy that this toy line ever made it. However it is such a cool toy line. Like, it has such a nice Troma feel to it while being aimed for a younger set. I have enjoyed collecting these toys. I wanted to add more gore to this story to really make it feel more fitting as a Troma tribute, but I feel like the gore aspect is not the only aspect that makes Troma so cool.

      Toxic Avengers is just a fun movie. I really have a fondness for Troma. I'm not going to lie and say they are my favorites, but I am fond of them. There is a connection there.

      I could not really do snot pictures for No-Zone, but I do have some plans for pictures in the second part. It won't be snot exactly, but I will utilize his feature somehow.

      I do hope the second part will be good and still maintain a nice tribute to Troma. I'm still working on getting a Slime Pit and even a Fright Zone place set. lol Those things will happen. I do not know if Kickstarter will help me because I can't imagine anyone donating for that "cause" but it makes me giggle and smile to think of something so outrageous. I hope you are doing well!

    2. I would have no problem with the "F word" tribe-as far as female empowerment goes, I love that! -my only problem with feminists is that a lot of what I love seems to make them mad. (I.E skimpy outfits on girl characters, girl characters with big boobies etc.) I am totally cool with a woman kicking the crap out of a man! I love me some She-Ra, Sailor Moon, Buffy etc. ! My beef is with the people who complain about the way fictional characters are dressed. I draw girls in skimpy outfits sure, but I draw guys in skimpy outfits too! Everyone is equally objectified!
      I am not liberal or conservative by any means, I count myself as "chaotic neutral" so when I draw a character, it's never being done as a political statement . It's all in fun!

      BTW-I was at a used bookstore this weekend, and I found this manga I have never read before called "Wedding Peach" I bought the first volume, and it looks awesome in the Sailor Moon vein! It's like, a magical girl story about girls being these love angels from Aphrodite. You should google it, evidently there is an anime and several video games about it too! Looks like some cool/cute stuff!

  4. nice new story miss. m. for big fan of troma and the toxi crusader. poor wheeler hope some how pycho work is reversable and he will be back to his old self.and dr. killeoff never heard of the character. and would not be surprised if he turns out in a twisted way to be aprils long lost pop.

    1. I'm glad you are a big fan of Troma demoncat! I have a soft spot for Troma films because the bring me back to being in high school. Dr. Killemoff was one of the main villains from the Toxic Crusaders cartoon. He is essentially a roach. lol I hope you are doing well, and I will talk to ya later!

  5. Troma is something I need to get into. My knowledge of them go as far as the toys and the Sega Genesis Toxic Avenger game. How awesome is Playmates toys though?!