All My Toys: All About Evil

While we take a break from our main hero Miss M, there are other stories going on among your favorite toys. Particularly with those considered evil, the villains of this sordid toy soap opera. Of course what really makes a villain a villain when everyone thinks their own perspective is cause for justice and honor? Read on and see what's new, for trouble like you...



The past...

Bruce Banner: Barbara, please understand, you are an incredible woman. You're a doctor. Smart as a whip. A stunning woman. You are the total package...

Barbara: So if I am all of those things, why are you breaking up with me? At Tres Bliss of all places. We just got our lava fondue for two. This is a romantic special. I can't eat it all alone!

Bruce Banner: I know, this is not the ideal place or time to be doing this. I just have not been feeling well lately. Let me refocus. You are too perfect. I feel like I can't measure up as a man. I am dealing with too many personal things right now, I just can't be the man you deserve. There is a man out there who is not going to be scared or intimidated by life or you, I know it. I just can't be that man.

Barbara: So I need to be flawed in some tragic way for you to be interested in me? Is my life that saccharine sweet that you have zero interest in me? This makes no sense.

Bruce Banner: I wish I could get you to understand, I really do. Ultimately this is just not going to work. I wish you the best though. I truly do.

Barbara: Well congratulations. You are the 80th man in line to wish me nothing but the best.

Bruce Banner: Sorry. (Bruce leaves)

Barbara: (fights back tears) It's fine. Take care.

Barbara: Oh Barbara you dolt, it isn't fine. It's never going to be fine. I don't understand. It's always the same thing. I am never quite good enough. Dr. Barbara Brite. Always a great friend. A great aunt. A great daughter. A great colleague. But never a great girlfriend. I have figured out so many aspects of my life but when it comes to love and finding that person... I just never measure up.

Barbara: Why is that? Maybe these men are right. Maybe I need an edge. I need to be a little more rough around the edges. Something to have them talking, to really remember who I am. Something to intrigue them.

Barbara: (looks at her piping hot lava fondue for two) I want to make sure I burn myself into their brains, so they'll never forget about me. I'm not gonna be that sweet perfect girl. No more. Never again...

Dr. Barbara Brite decides to burn. She throws her face into the burning hot lava fondue special at Tres Bliss. Her screams forever stay with the patrons who were there to witness such a horrifying experience.

The present...

Inside the prison kitchen,

Dr. Blight: And that's what I did. I burned my face. I was no longer that sweet Dr. Brite. I changed my name. Changed my perspective. I wanted to watch the world suffer. I used my smarts to exploit foolish men as well as this waste of a world we live on. I want to watch it all burn.

Birdo: I see why they have you locked up in prison for life. I get going after some asshole men, but trying to mess with the Earth is just not cool.

Dr. Blight: Be careful what you say to me, or I'll find some religious moron to find offense to you being locked up in here with the other women.

Birdo: I am a woman.

Dr. Blight: That's debatable. I read your bio in the prison manual. Your write up clearly stated, 'he thinks he is a girl and he spits eggs from his mouth.' Stealing eggs to increase your femininity because you believe you are a girl, some would say that is a mental problem.

Birdo: Or some would say I had the misfortune of having my bio taken down by a bigoted officer who did not care about my well being and my own right to live in my truth. And here I thought we were trying to be friends.

Dr. Blight: We are friends. You don't have many in here. I'm just being a bitch.

Birdo: Good job. Of course you don't have many friends here either. Now stop trying to tell me how I think and feel about myself. I am who I am. When you see a butterfly, you don't call it a caterpillar do you?

Dr. Blight: Transformations occur all around us. I get it Birdo. At least I am beginning to.

Birdo: I have to go, I have a visitor.
Dr. Blight: (sighs) Be sure to hurry back, for all we know the prison may be a whole new place when you come back. That demented Pythona woman swears she will be free to rule the world soon. Delusional.

Birdo: I doubt anything will change. I'll return and we will start serving the same nasty food to the same nasty people that we always do.

In other parts of the city...

Cobra Commander: The plan is going along well, even with the burden of these no named heroes being led by Oola. Luckily I destroyed their base and soon enough Cobra will find the remaining members of the no named team. I don't quite understand why people would band together and not give themselves some sort of team name. Pathetic.
Zartan as President Chocula: I don't get it either. I honestly don't care. I want to make sure this press conference goes off without a hitch. What I will be telling the American people might be a hard thing for some to swallow.

Cobra Commander: Really? After everything we have done with this presidency so far, how is it that our next step will be our undoing? You have created an atmosphere where nothing makes sense anymore. As the president you could say the most horrendous thing to the public and they would cheer for you harder than ever. You tell it like it is. The public has been begging for that. At least a segment of the public.

President Chocula: I just don't want to kiss the first lady anymore. It's beginning to get creepy.
Cobra Commander: Strawberry Shortcake is your wife! You have to look happy.

President Chocula: Seriously? She is my sister! (Zartan's sister Zarana is in disguise as Strawberry Shortcake)
Cobra Commander: See Zartan, this is how we are going to get caught. No one can ever know that Zarana is disguised as Strawberry Shortcake and that you are masquerading as Count Chocula. We all have parts to play in this mess, don't forget that.

President Chocula: I can kiss her on the cheek. But not again on the lips.

Cobra Commander: Very well. Just make it believable. Now, get going. Your press conference is about to begin...

At Snake Mountain,

All manner of snake people have converged for safety and new beginnings under the care of Jake the Snake.

Jake the Snake: Isn't this great? A true safe haven for snake folk the world over! They just keep slithering in day by day.

Cottonmouth: It is quite nice. I also enjoy your servants. Especially the warrior witch woman.

Evil Lyn: I am an evil warrior goddess you fool. Show some respect. Or you could just leave, I would much prefer that.

Jake the Snake: Careful wench or I will have you locked up with Beast Man.

Evil Lyn: (holds her tongue) Yes king of the mountain.

Jake the Snake: See what I mean? Ya gotta keep people in line. Come on Cottonmouth, there is something I want to show you. This place is full of interesting history. (they walk off)

Evil Lyn: I am going to find a way to overthrow that arrogant prick if it is the last thing I do...

Somewhere in the city,

Natalia: Any sightings of Geoffrey the Giraffe?

Foot Soldier No. 2014: No, not yet. We are working on it.

Natalia: Work harder. I didn't hire you from the deceased Shredder so you could just fail all the time. Now go.

Bane: Yes. Work harder. Because my rage is growing every moment that passes without that giraffe being in my hands.

Natalia: Bane, we will find him.

Bane: You don't understand. He was freed from our deal. He has people on his side. He has a chance at continuing to deliver magic to the young and old. I can't have that. Not after what he owes me.

Natalia: I understand but we are doing everything we can.

Bane: Do more. I want that giraffe back in my clutches so I can finally break his back. Hearing that neck snap is all I think about. His magic and joy will end soon.

Natalia: Yes Bane.

Bane: Now scatter about. We have work to do.

Back in the prison, in the visitor's section...

Yoshi: You look good.
Birdo: You think so? You're still gonna be there and love me when I finally get out?

Yoshi: Of course. You don't have much longer. You're my ladybird.

Birdo: No one understands me in here. I am so hated.

Yoshi: You are hated because you are different and most people don't get that.
Birdo: I am so thankful you do.

Yoshi: Of course silly goose.

Birdo: Umm...

Yoshi: Oh right, silly swan. I forget! Did they finally give you your medications?
Birdo: Yes they did. It took them long enough. I was almost going to have to start stealing eggs again. How is everyone back home?

Yoshi: They are doing well.
Birdo: That's good. I can't wait to see everyone.

Yoshi: Hey, the president is about to begin an emergency press conference.
Birdo: I wonder what he has to say this time...

President Chocula: My fellow Americans. I promised a great deal of things when I was running for office. Many of those things have come true, and then some! My latest executive action is going to involve what I spoke of frequently on the campaign trail and that was about this country's prison system. I told you all I would fight for prison reform. My opponents did not believe me. They thought I was in the business to privatize the prison system so my friends on Wall Street would get even more rich. But there will be no privatization because I don't believe we need a prison system.

Birdo: What is he saying?!

President Chocula: I am signing into law a roll out plan to empty all prisons of its prisoners. I like to think of this as thinning the herd. Because now those who have committed criminal acts will merely have to answer to those they harmed. I'll let the public do the rest. It follows the path that helped make this country so great and what will make it great again: the idea that as individuals we do not need the big government telling you how to handle your problems! You can solve them on your own. This will be a historic day as millions will be free from their boxes and will return to the real world...

Birdo: Yoshi, what does this mean?
Yoshi: I think it means you will be getting out earlier than expected.

Birdo: Yeah, but it also means that chaos is about to ensue. Sure some of us in here don't truly belong in prison for whatever reason but there are some who do need to be locked away.
Yoshi: I know. We can't think about that though. We just can't. You'll be free soon and back in my arms.

Birdo: Yoshi, I might be back in your arms, but what kind of world will we be living in? There are some evil monsters in here, like that Pythona chick. She was a part of the post apocalyptic world we were all living in a few years ago. If she goes free, there is no telling what she will do!

Yoshi: You are getting ahead of yourself. For all we know someone will step in and make some provisions. It will all be ok Birdo, I promise.

Birdo: I hope you are right.

In a far more sinister place...

Magica: Oh just look at you. I've molded you back into shape and I am just thrilled to have you here. Enjoying a snack?

Count Chocula: Yes. I am enjoying my third bowl of cereal for the day. You von't let me eat anything else.

Magica: Oh my handsome hunk bar. You are more than velcome to enjoy any foods you'd like. I don't know vhere you get these silly ideas from.
Count Chocula: You are right my dear. I guess I have merely had a slip of my mind.

Magica: I told you that vould happen. You just need to remember if things get fuzzy or you forget just ask me. I vill feel in the blanks. Sound semi sweet my milk dud?

Count Chocula: Yes of course.
Magica: Now give me a Hershey kiss and send me to the milky way!

Count Chocula: Of course my dear. (they smooch)

Magica: Ohhh that vas yummy.

Count Chocula: Yes it vas. Do you think ve could go outside to the park or something later on? It vould be nice to get some fresh air.

Magica: Oh don't be silly my almond joy! I have far too much to do and you know that it is dangerous out there. Vhich is vhy you must stay down here. I will return soon though my sweet. 

Count Chocula: Bleh. Thank General Mills she is gone. If I have to kiss her one more time I vill throw up. I must find my vay out of here. There is an impostor pretending to be me. I also miss my vife. Oh Strawberry Shortcake, I am coming for you!

Back at Snake Mountain...

Dragon Queen: You wanted to meet me? Why here?
Barbarocious: Snake Mountain has become quite the hot spot for those with devious intentions.

Dragon Queen: That very well may be, but what do you want?

Barbarocious: You know I have been looking for my pet. For months now. All of my leads have turned up nothing. 

Barbarocious: Except for one. Does Moth Lady still work for you?

Dragon Queen: I suppose she does, I just have not seen her in ages. She went rogue.
Barbarocious: Interesting. Any ideas where she would have run off to?

Dragon Queen: Her? No idea. She should resurface soon I'd imagine. She is more than likely on a binder and when she comes down she'll return. She likes a strong drink.
Barbarocious: I don't care. She has my pet. I know this because I found out that my pet is her daughter.

Dragon Queen: What?!

Barbarocious: Yes. I know she has worked with you for a long time, but our friendship has been much longer. I need you to help me find Moth Lady, where she is, so will be my pet. I want that little pet. Do you understand Dragon Queen?
Dragon Queen: I understand. I may even have an idea worth checking out.
Barbarocious: Fabulous.

Up next!

Miss M is finally ready to leave Dimension X!
Bruce Wayne continues to question his role as a father
The band of super heroes protecting Geoffrey the Giraffe settle in to their new base!