March 2015 Heroic Hottie!

Dear Diary,

So let's see. A great deal is going on right now. I've begun the arduous process of dating. It has been brought to my attention that online dating is the quickest way to meet quality men. So I've done that. I have a profile. My fingers are ready to swipe. More importantly though there will be new office space for Diary of a Dorkette! After the original offices were burned to the ground, April O'Neil has been busy getting a new office up and running! To celebrate there will also be a huge ball. A ball! I love balls. It's just the perfect... Wait. Damn it Diary I hope you know what I mean when I say I love balls. I'm talking about huge grand balls, the kind you dress up for. And you do a little dancing. Crap. I'm just going to shut up.

-Miss M

Editor's note: What you are about to read is based off of partially true events. Miss M recently began the process of dating and putting herself back on the market months ago. Some of her more disastrous dates will be played out in toy form for the world to see. And judge.



Once upon the present, in Ponyville...

Miss M: So it's been awhile Pinkie Pie. I love your new house.

Pinkie Pie: Oh I know! Try not to eat the walls though, kay? I did that once and then it rained. I was drenched for days.
Miss M: Oh, I don't eat people's homes. Your place is safe. Either way I wanted to stop by because I haven't seen you in awhile. You are my guardian angel pony!

Pinkie Pie: I know M! I've just been so busy. Throwing parties is a lot of work!
Miss M: I can imagine.
Pinkie Pie: Have you been ok?

Miss M: Oh yeah. I've been fine. I went to space in January. She-Ra is missing as a result. I also put myself on a dating site.
Pinkie Pie: You did what?!
Miss M: Yes. I put myself on a dating site. In fact, I have a date later on today.

Pinkie Pie: Oh M! Dish!
Miss M: Well he's a really great guy. We haven't met in person but we have been texting and talking on the phone. He is really handsome too. He works on boats so he has tan skin and dirty blond hair, but he isn't weathered by the elements.
Pinkie Pie: Sounds like a dream boat hunk!

Miss M: I know. It's a bit weird because he is younger than me. Like a lot younger. As in I'm a grown mature woman in my thirties and he is still in his twenties.
Pinkie Pie: So. Age is only but a number. Besides, you're talking to a pony in a house made of candy. Your maturity is not totally on point.

Miss M: True. Either way, I just really like getting to know him. He thinks I'm really pretty and super funny. I just see great things coming out of this date. Like really great things.
Pinkie Pie: Well I'm super excited for you! I can't wait to hear all about it!

Miss M: I'll tell you everything for sure!

Later on, the night unfolds as Miss M goes to meet her online date at fancy French restaurant Tres Bliss!

Miss M: Oh I'm so nervous.

Waiter: Hello, how many?

Miss M: Hi, I'm actually looking for my party in the bar.

Waiter: Very well miss.

Waiter: The bar is that way.

Miss M: Hmm. Where could he be?

Miss M: Oh look at all the love around here. I can't wait for my own real true love.

Miss M continues to walk around the bar to look for her handsome date. She turns when she hears her name called...

Miss M: Oh my. It's you. You look so different!

Captain McCallister: Yarr miss, how so?

Miss M: Well, you just look... really tan. Like more tan than in your pictures. (thinks to herself) Like so tan you look like you've been elementally weathered.

Captain McCallister: I just finished my shift from working on the boats. The sun does crazy things. You look different too. You have legs. I thought you were a mermaid.
Miss M: (smiles, remembering her joke about being a mermaid) Ah yes, I do have legs. Since I am part mermaid and all, I do have to keep those fins under wraps.

Captain McCallister: Yarr, I was hoping for the fins. You also have a very large head. You look smaller in your pictures.
Miss M: Gee. Thanks.

Captain McCallister: Let's sit and eat. I'm starving.
Miss M: Ok.

 Waiter: Your table is here.

Waiter: Enjoy your... date. (snickers)

Miss M: So, it must be fascinating to work on boats. What is it you do exactly?
Captain McCallister: Yarr, thy it is. I make sure that the boats are delivering the correct supplies to the correct destinations. It is only sort of fascinating. My actual job is only as interesting as the company I keep lass. I look over a rather motley crew. The Poles are hard workers while the Russians on the trip stick to themselves and I fear they can't be trusted. As for the Islanders, they might be lazy from time to time but they can cook. So can the Asians, those crazy bastards.

Miss M: What are you talking about? That all sounds offensive.

Captain McCallister: My dear miss, that is the nature of being a captain. I have seen the world and know of its people. Yarr.

Miss M: Right. Sounds like it. So, you're how old again?
Captain McCallister: I'm 27.
Miss M: Are you sure? Is this real life? You have a very older feeling type of spirit. Or whatever.

Captain McCallister: Do you mind if I smoke my pipe?

Miss M: You smoke a pipe? Are you from the '50s? Is this some sort of time warp I walked into?
Captain McCallister: Yarr. Of course I smoke a pipe. I'm rather fond of it.
Miss M: My grandfather smoked a pipe. I didn't realize it had come back in vogue.

Captain McCallister: Why not? I think they are cool.
Miss M: Yeah. I guess so.
Captain McCallister: What do you do again? Something about talking to toys?

Miss M: Yes, I interview toys for a leading online publication. We bring hard hitting toy journalism to the forefront of all the other types of journalism.
Captain McCallister: You're weird.
Miss M: Wow, really? You are calling me weird?

Captain McCallister: You know what I hate in life? Rude people. I have a coworker, his name is Ricky. He is the biggest douche bag I've ever met. We were at work on the boats and he tried to actually tell me what to do. I think he has an issue with my age. He's older than me and doesn't like that I am his superior.

Miss M: I can't imagine there being any other reason...

Captain McCallister: (loses his pirate/captain voice to reveal the voice of a younger voice) Oh shit. He's here.

Miss M: Who?

Captain McCallister: Don't look now, but I think Ricky is here at the table next to us.

Miss M: Your co-worker? Why would he be here? And why would he be next to us? That doesn't make any sense.

Captain McCallister: I don't know, but I swear that's him! Do you think he heard me? Oh shit, I think he heard me.

Captain McCallister: I have to go to the restroom, I'll be right back.

Miss M: Is this real life? What is happening on this date? This guy is too weird and what's with his voice changing? 

Soon the food arrives, and the date is still gone...

Miss M: Oh my goodness.What if this is a trick? What if he left and he is planning on stealing my car? If I freakin leave and my car is gone I am going to be so mad.

Miss M: Oh this online dating thing is a damn mess.

Miss M: But the food looks good.

Suddenly, a voice calls out from behind...

???: May I sit with you?
Miss M: Actually, someone already... Spock!?

Spock: Hello Miss M.
Miss M: How do you know my name?

Spock: Believe me, that is not the question you want to ask me right now.
Miss M: Wait. This can't be real. You aren't here, you have passed on...
Spock: Please. No need to go there. Clearly there is enough of me to live on in the hearts of many. I also do not wish to know my fate at this present time as I am coming to you from the future by way of the past.

Miss M: Oh my goodness. My date slipped something in my drink didn't he? I'm hallucinating.
Spock: No. You are not. I am from the past and in my past I got my hands on a time traveling device that projected me to the future. In this future I was told to come to this present time to see you.
Miss M: Why me? I don't even really know you.

Spock: I'm here to warn you. Something grave happens in the future that is directly tied to you and the events surrounding your return from the dead.
Miss M: Whaa?

Spock: Follow along with me Miss M. An evil force is searching for you. This presence will alter the lives of many and I am here to warn you. You must stop this evil force from carrying out events that will destroy the universe as you know it.
Miss M: What evil force?

Spock: Her name is, bubba wubba clute.

Miss M: Say that again?

Spock: Her name is, bibbity bobbity boo.
Miss M: I don't understand.
Spock: Blast it. Her powers have far reaching effects. I cannot say her name. Just know that you must be careful. Do not allow your world to end Miss M.
Miss M: Umm, thank you? I guess? I am so confused.

Spock: I must be going. I'm sorry for ruining your date. From the looks of it though, this one is not the one for you.
Miss M: Thanks for that. Oh, and Spock?
Spock: Yes?

Miss M: I know I maybe didn't pay attention to your adventures in space or follow along too closely to your particular brand of fandom, but you did mean something to me.
Spock: Thank you. I would say to live long and prosper, however, just live. It's the one gift we should never take for granted.

Miss M: Good bye.

Spock: Farewell.

March 2015 Heroic Hottie!

Miss M: My head is spinning.

Captain McCallister: Hey, I'm back. Did you get my text message?
Miss M: Huh?

Captain McCallister: My text message. I didn't really need to use the restroom, I just wanted to send you a text. Go ahead, read it.

Miss M: (reads her text aloud) Hey, I really think my co-worker is sitting next to us, this is freaky.

Captain McCallister: Yeah. Really freaky.
Miss M: Ok. Well. I think I'm done.

Captain McCallister: Yeah, me too. I'll walk you out.

As they get up to leave, the Captain purposefully bumps into the next table...

Miss M: Oh my Gawd! What is he doing?!

Captain McCallister: Excuse me! My apologies for not paying attention to where I am going.

Patron: No problem.

Captain McCallister: Hey Ricky, is that you?
Patron: Umm, no. My name is Brad.

Captain McCallister: Oh, my mistake.

Miss M: Is everything ok?
Captain McCallister: Totally fine. That was not my co-worker. Whew. That was close.

Miss M: Yeah. Wow. Well. This was a nice evening. Thank you for dinner.

Captain McCallister: Yeah no problem. So my schedule is kinda busy, what with working on boats for long periods of time, but I'll call you. Have a good night.

Miss M: Please, please, please, I hope he never calls me. Ever. I need to go visit Pinkie Pie. This date was terrible. Just awful.

Later on...

Pinkie Pie: La, la, la. I'm going to throw a totally cool party!

Pinkie turns at the sound of a knock on her door.

Pinkie Pie: One second!

Pinkie Pie: Hello?

Bebop: We were wondering if you could throw us a special party.

Rocksteady: Yeah. We like to have a good time.

Pinkie Pie: Oh ok! Come on in, we'll plan the perfect party!

Bebop: Awesome.

Pinkie Pie trots off upstairs to find her planner.

Rocksteady: Check it out Bebop. We finally found a little pony.
Bebop: Shredder is going to be so pleased with us. We did something right. Now come on, let's bag her and send her to get melted down into the drug Plastic!

Bebop: Just remember, we aren't supposed to hurt her.

Rocksteady: We were told not to hurt her too much.

Bebop: Whatever, let's just follow Shredder's orders.

Rocksteady: What's so special about turning little ponies into Plastic anyway?

Bebop: Who knows? Maybe the high is really good. It doesn't matter. Once the stupid pink pony comes downstairs, we'll grab her and take her away.

Pinkie Pie: Umm. You're taking me away? 

Bebop: Yep.

Pinkie Pie: So... I'm not planning a party?

Rocksteady: No. This is a toynapping.

Pinkie Pie: Umm, gulp?

They slam the door shut and enact their diabolical plan to kidnap Pinkie Pie. All she can do is scream.

Later on...

April: Hey M, what are you doing here?
Miss M: I just wanted to see what you were doing. I had actually wanted to stop by and talk with Pinkie Pie, but she wasn't home. I went on a really bad date tonight. Like, the worst.

April: Oh hon, don't let it get you down. That's part of the game. You'll meet a nice guy. Now, what do you think of the new office space?

Miss M: Why is Barbie's name on the wall?

April: She's letting us use her space for free in exchange for her logo being on the wall. It's all about product placement. We still have some more work to do, but the offices are turning out quite nicely!
Miss M: That's great April.

April: Hey, cheer up sweetie. It's gonna be ok.

Miss M: Yeah. There was also this other thing though about the date tonight...
April: Yeah?

Miss M: (Nearly discusses her moment with Spock) It doesn't matter. You probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

April: M, at this point I'd believe just about anything.

Miss M: Yeah. It's nothing though. Now, let's look at who I'm dating next.

April: Sounds like a blast. Show me your prospects while we get this work done.

Up next!

It's a wild night out at Arkham Asylum: the Club!
Helspont reaches the After Life!
Will She-Ra escape the clutches of the omnipotent Lady Kale?
Miss M continues to go on more treacherous dates!

All this and more unfolds as the build up to the 500th post continues!